Volume 9 - The Dissociation of Suzumiya Haruhi

by Tanigawa Nagaru

  You should tell this to the sports clubs. After all, this is only an average high school; every club is bound to be anxious due to the lack of talent.

  “You are right. I will go talk to them later. Before I leave, I still have one last question to ask. Even if I ignore your recruitment of members for the Literature Club, what do you all plan to do after the end of the recruitment exercise? Hand over the room to them?”

  “I believe that is not of your concern.”

  The talk about a lack of respect in the tone of high school students is so true. The president turned his head and looked at Haruhi after hearing this. “Hmph.”, though it seems he cannot be bothered with that.

  “Oh. This is all I wanted to ask. In that case, see you people next time.”

  After completing his sentence, he admired the costumes of Haruhi and Asahina for a moment before going off to chase after Kimidori-senpai.

  What exactly was he here for? Doesn’t he realize the more you tell Haruhi not to do something, the more she would desire to attempt it? Just look at her now, she is happily laughing over nothing in particular.

  “It seems we were quite successful. It’s perfect, really perfect.”

  Haruhi, upon confirming that the president was finally out of sight, planted the sign into the ground and tore off the thin layer of wooden foil with the words ‘Literature Club’ to reveal ‘SOS Brigade’.

  I am not too sure which day, but back in May last year, this club named the “Spreading Excitement All Over the World with Suzumiya Haruhi’s Brigade” was set up. The name hasn’t been changed since then; it’s been largely smooth-sailing.

  There are more than handmade signboards inside the cardboard box Haruhi brought along.

  After forcing the signboard into the hands of Asahina, she continued taking things out of the cardboard box while the skirt of the cheongsam flitted along with her movements.

  First an LCD monitor, then a DVD player, various cables and their connectors, as well as the newly-bought notebook and stationery.

  “We have to get this set up quickly.”

  Haruhi turned towards me.

  “Get them installed and play this.”

  There are no electrical outlets in the courtyard, but Haruhi had already anticipated that. Refusing to obey her instructions now wouldn’t do any good, so I dragged the cables towards the direction of the computer research society according to her demands.

  “Excuse me, could we borrow your power source for a moment?”

  “Of course.”

  The person replying to me is the president of the computer research society. My suspicions are confirmed. Seems that he is still the president of the society, at least according to the official pass hung in front of his chest.

  “My members refuse to let me go.” The president seemed pretty proud of that fact. “So I decided to stay as the president for the first term. But I have planned for the future as well. In fact, I am thinking of nurturing…”

  If what you are going to say is going to be any longer, please keep it for the next time. Your members may be motivated by what you said and decide to let you step down early.

  “Ah, actually…”

  The president lowered his voice somewhat, and covered his mouth

  The president lowered his voice somewhat, and covered his mouth while saying the following as if he was doing a tongue twister.

  “I hope Nagato-san can join our society, and maybe become the president as well. From all the people I have seen, her knowledge of computers seems to be the best, she’s definitely a genius. No matter what happens, if any bug or system errors occur, the magical touch of Nagato-san is able to solve the problem. Although she only drops by once in a while, she never fails to surprise us every time. There is a DIY-ed computer for her exclusive use in our club room, and she managed to develop a new operating system within moments that managed to shock even the best software developers. But no matter how we look at the source, we just can’t comprehend it, it seems that only she has the ability to do so. All our software and hardware worked perfectly with the operating system. It is a real gem. As for what exactly the code is based on…”

  No matter how much you tell me, all I can tell you is that Nagato does possess such an ability. You should approach her yourself for any other matters, for I believe she will teach you. But I personally feel that what she would say could probably be incomprehensible to earthlings like you and me.

  I swung the connector of the extension cable while thinking about the fact that this third-year president actually allowed us to borrow their power source just because of this.

  I continued swinging the end of the extension cable around. Noticing this, the third year president willingly handed me the socket of their extension cable. Haruhi’s project to assimilate the Computer Research Society into the SOS brigade as a branch office has so far been successful and is gradually developing. If we don’t put a stop to it, the project will grow into the “All Humans are Members of the SOS Brigade” project, and she might even complete it before desertification spreads throughout the world. I trust Homo Sapiens aren’t foolish enough to allow such a plan to be carried out.

  It would be better if it is this way, especially for Koizumi, and so I turned my gaze towards him, but that esper boy did not seem as happy as I had expected. He revealed a pensive look, crossing his fingers together and using that to support his head on the table. What trouble is it this time? He squinted as he watched Nagato, increasing my worry.

  What is it? It couldn’t be that the moods of each of the members of the SOS Brigade take turns to become melancholic could it? Stop scaring me. Never mind Nagato and Asahina-san, I originally had 100% confidence that there would not be a day where this could happen to you too…

  I do not know if it is because Koizumi saw my shocked face, but he slowly adjusted his gaze towards me and flashed me a smile. Although this decreased my worry, I somehow think there is something fake about this expression.

  This guy who entered class 2-9, as if conveyed with a gondola, had the entire class of 1-9 enter alongside him. This should exclude the possibility of any arch-nemeses entering the same class as well, so what exactly is he worrying about?

  The current Haruhi is also in a very good emotional state, so it should not be causing Koizumi any headaches either. Or did he catch wind of a pay cut in the “Organization”? If that was the case then it would be great, for you would be as free as me. If Koizumi was already disturbed by some love letters in his shoe locker from first-year girls at the very beginning of the new semester, my sympathy would become as unnecessary as Shamisen’s molts. After all, he has as good a face as Haruhi, and if they stood silently, would unconditionally attract attention from people of the opposite sex.

  “Kyon, start playing the DVD now!”

  Winner of Miss Universe Haruhi waved the signboard while ordering me around, forcing me to get busy again. Koizumi also stood up to help me out. While arranging the various cables for the DVD player and the LCD monitor, Koizumi showed his usual smile, but the impression he gives me is still very odd.

  Why do you cast me such a subtle glance? Eye contact from Asahina-san or Nagato is perfectly acceptable due to the implications behind such actions, but unfortunately the feeling is lost when the glance originates from a guy like you.

  After much hard work, I finally got the cables in order. I had a feeling that I had enough and ran over to report to Haruhi. Upon hearing that, Haruhi nodded her head happily like a fisherman discovering a school of fish.

  “So we shall begin!”

  She took out a DVD from the cardboard box and stuffed it into the unwilling mouth of the DVD player before hitting the play button like it was the doorbell of one’s own house.

  The monitor showed some blurry footage and some familiar music could be heard leaking out of the speakers, floating about in the air.

  Asahina-san shivered.

  “Ah~”

  She let out a deep sigh, and turne
d her face away from the display with a look of helplessness. The look on her face ignited the masculinity within me.

  “Haruhi, turn down the volume! If the president of the student council hears this he will come running back!”

  “I’m not afraid of him; in fact I don’t even give two hoots about him!”

  Would it kill you to give a hoot?

  “I don’t even mind having an open debate here.”

  Stop doing such stuff!

  “Shut up, stupid Kyon!”

  Haruhi quickly squeezed her eyes and mouth into the shape of an inverted triangle.

  “You and Koizumi just wait here. I will settle the rest with Mikuru-chan.”

  Haruhi stretched her hands out, grabbed Asahina-san’s waist, and pulled her towards herself, maintaining her bright smiling face.

  “Kyaa~!”

  Asahina-san jumped as Haruhi placed her hand on her waist.

  And so Haruhi and the third-year student in the maid costume stuck their faces close and stared at us together as if trying to show off something.

  “Listen carefully. If anybody interesting comes by, remember to record their names and classes down and convince them to join us. We are not the movie research society; if anybody runs to us and thinks that we are such a club, chase them away. Understand?”

  Haruhi mentioned this before dragging Asahina-san along like a forced parolee around the courtyard to advertise.

  “My, my.”

  I loosened my shoulders, took out the SOS Brigade sign, hid it behind the chair, and turned to look at the images on the monitor with brightness adjusted to the maximum.

  Needless to say, this is the film shot a few months back that, when watched by others, would give them the impression of a waste of electricity and equipment.

  “The Revenge of Nagato Yuki Episode 00 - Trailer”.

  Before the new school term there is a break that is neither too long nor too short. According to Suzumiya Haruhi’s usual practice, she would obviously not wait for the new school year to come obediently.

  I am afraid she has probably been planning for this since the incident with Sakanaka-san’s pet dog, Rousseau. Spring break, compared to the summer and winter break, has much less homework and life could be much more peaceful. But we, as members of the SOS Brigade, are being ordered around nearly daily, and then flying around like a torpedo going to Haruhi’s scheduled destinations.

  2 The Japanese traditional custom of enjoying the beauty of flowers, “flower” in this case almost always meaning cherry blossoms. In modern-day Japan, hanami mostly consists of having an outdoor party beneath the sakura during daytime or at night.

  Thinking back now, it seems we went to a lot of places. The antique shop, the flea market, visiting Sakanaka-san’s house to take a look at Rousseau to see if he has become better, as well as being invited to Tsuruya-san’s house for Hanami[2], where we sat in her huge garden. My, my, the last one was really interesting. At the snap of the fingers or the clap of a hand, the servants came out of the house with a banquet that had enough food to feed a middle sized African village. That really awed me a little.

  No matter what, as long as Haruhi is invited, she will surely be present. Even if she is uninvited, she would not hesitate to join anyway. While inhaling the smell of the fresh air of spring in deep breaths, she continued ordering us about. It is really strange why she doesn’t feel breathless.

  Haruhi was particularly interested in filming the sequel to “The Adventures of Asahina Mikuru Episode 00” which we produced for the North High cultural festival last year. Although I am shocked that something which will not even become the main concern of the year becoming one, what is more devastating is that Haruhi, who wasn’t even officially a second-year student, was planning to prepare for the cultural festival of the coming year!

  Haruhi once again picked up the loudspeaker and wore the Ultra Director armband, stuffed the video camera which has been hibernating in the corner of the club room somewhere into my hands and proceeded to take off Asahina-san’s clothes herself, prompting Koizumi and me to make a dash for the door.

  Although the title has Nagato’s name on it, the protagonist of the story is still Asahina Mikuru. (Eh? Isn’t the protagonist supposed to be Koizumi Itsuki instead?) Because Asahina Mikuru’s real identity is a battle waitress from the future, Asahina-san is forced to wear that revealing costume again. This is the arrangement of the Ultra Director Suzumiya Haruhi. Nagato continues to wear her school uniform with a witch’s hat, black cloak, and a magic wand with a star at one end. Koizumi is still ordered to carry that light reflector board.

  What is more convenient is that it is now spring and cherry blossoms are blooming everywhere, allowing us to connect to the previous story easily. I can’t help but feel sympathy for the trees along the coastal area of that river that have already bloomed twice in a year.

  But why is it a “trailer”? Haruhi gathered us at the club room and said:

  “Haven’t you guys ever been cheated by a trailer?”

  What do you mean by “cheated”? I asked her.

  “Like movie trailers. Aren’t they run in television commercials before the actual movie starts screening in the cinemas? After watching that, you will go like ‘Wow~ very interesting~’ right? And then you go watch the movie with great anticipation only to find that it is perfect rubbish? For example…”

  Although I feel there is no need to give examples, Haruhi still mentioned the name of an English movie that I have heard before in the past.

  “Back when I was watching its trailer I thought it was a funny and interesting movie. In fact, I laughed quite a few times just watching its trailer. The most interesting parts of the movie are already made known even before the movie is screened, and these are the only parts that will attract others’ attention. Don’t you all agree?”

  Even if you tell me all this I still have no idea how to reply. For such complaints, I think it is better if you made a call to the company that produced the movie instead. There is definitely a department that focuses on marketing, and they must surely have very good people there.

  “No matter what form of advertising it is, dishing out all the interesting parts before even watching the real thing is really despicable in my opinion. That’s why, Kyon!”

  Haruhi looked at me with eyes shining as if all the stars in the Milky Way were stuffed inside.

  “We must produce the trailer first before considering the actual movie! If it is the trailer, there are no problems making the entire thing exciting because we don’t have to worry about the climax at all. We just need to provide more fan-service.”

  Because of this, before the film was started, the trailer was already being produced. Haruhi hasn’t really thought of what to include in the sequel herself. Despite this, she has already planned to make it a film that would attract newcomers into the club. But the all-important script is still not ready yet. How? Yes, let’s make a trailer first!

  Her thought process is always so straightforward. It seems she still has not given up hope on burning “The Adventures of Asahina Mikuru Episode 00” onto DVDs and selling them for a huge profit. We could have cut part of the original for this purpose, but she was worried that people could not get enough of it. Or how about those who wanted to watch more will have to join the SOS Brigade? Watching such stuff would only give people a headache, though if this was a PV of Asahina it could probably score 120%…

  I glanced at the monitor, which continued playing the video, before returning to my seat. Calling that video a parody is a nicer way to put it, as it simply entails going back to the same places and putting everyone in this time around.

  For example, Nagato telling Koizumi, who happened to be carrying a tube looking suspiciously similar to a night light, “I am your mother”, or Nagato being a normal human while her spectacles are on, but becoming one who can fly like a bird, or stroll in the middle of the wilderness dragging a black coffin along once they are removed. Once out of i
deas, Haruhi even forced Shamisen and Asahina-san’s character to interchange, forcing her to meow like a cat while she dubbed Shamisen’s voice herself, the result of which is obviously unsynchronized lip movements, or even parts with Shamisen not opening his mouth at all. All of these are seemingly hopeful at first glance, though in actuality they are incapable of being coherently joined, and the result is a series of stories which give the impression of having arranged all the camera scenes randomly, like dominoes. The constantly changing scene and cast and the poorly linked story are all by-products of poor editing. The last straw, however, was the blurry video which seemed as if it was deliberately added in, as well as the senselessly-inserted music that had successfully become indistinguishable from noise pollution.

  Tsuruya-san, who did not even have to appear in the first place, can be seen in a kimono standing in front of a Japanese-styled garden laughing loudly, not to forget my sister and Shamisen playing around in the background. In fact, it looks no different from a home-made family video. Actually, these scenes were filmed by Haruhi’s shaky hands during hanami at Tsuruya-san’s place. This film is made up of rubbish scenes forming something briefly resembling a video book that would never even enter the lousiest movie awards. I doubt it could even make it through the first draft, much less be improved in any way. While Asahina-san in waitress costume flying and jumping around should be very successful in marketing the alternative Asahina Mikuru, how many who watched this would actually have believed it was a movie trailer if not for the “The Revenge of Nagato Yuki will open during the cultural festival this fall!” that Haruhi screamed at the end?

  Can I add something here? Last time around, didn’t Nagato fly into outer space after being shot? What method did you use to bring her back to Earth?

  “That will be thought of later. I will consider new villains too!”