Until We Touch

by Susan Mallery

  “Would you have stayed with him?” she asked. “If you hadn’t lost the baby?”

  “I have no idea. Probably not. One of us would have gotten restless. I was still in shock about being pregnant and then married. I hadn’t figured any of it out. Before I could, the baby was gone.”

  “That must have been hard,” Larissa said, thinking she would be crushed. No matter how her mother made her crazy, the other woman was right about one thing. Larissa did want to get married and have kids. The problem was she couldn’t see a way to get from where she was to there.

  “It was,” Taryn murmured. “I felt so guilty for getting pregnant in the first place. Then to lose the baby.... I filed for divorce the same day.”

  Larissa knew the rest of the story. Taryn had been a junior PR person for the L.A. Stallions. When management found out that their star quarterback was getting a divorce, they did everything they could to make the situation easier. That meant firing Taryn so she wasn’t around to make Jack uncomfortable. Jack had protested. The last thing he’d wanted was for Taryn to lose her job. But the team had stood firm.

  Not knowing how else to help, Jack had given Taryn the money to start her own firm. He’d been a silent partner and had thrown plenty of business her way. She’d thrived and had reached the point where she was going to buy him out when Kenny had taken that last hit. Jack had decided it was a good time to retire, as had Sam. Suddenly Jack and his friends had lots of free time on their hands. Then Jack had remembered he was half owner of a PR firm. They’d joined Score and the rest was history.

  “I would love to have been a fly on the wall when Jack came to tell you he and Kenny and Sam were joining Score,” she said.

  Taryn groaned. “There was a lot of swearing. I felt invaded and manipulated. I was not happy.”

  “Still, it worked out.”

  “It did. But you can’t tell Jack.”

  Larissa chuckled. “I think he already knows.”

  She wondered how things would have been different if there had been a baby. Imagining that made her chest tight, which was strange. Jack would be a good dad, she thought wistfully. Despite the fact that he pretended not to care, she knew things touched him deeply. His goal was to keep the world at bay and he mostly succeeded.

  He’d lost so much already. His brother. After his brother’s death, his parents had gone away. Both physically and emotionally. Then his child with Taryn. She understood why he protected himself. She enabled that, she knew. Her causes became his causes. He could be a part of things without ever truly being touched by the circumstances.

  They were a team. Maybe one that could do with a little therapy, but a team all the same. She counted on that. Needed it. As far as she was concerned, nothing was going to get in the way of their connection. Not her mother’s crazy statements or a kiss she still couldn’t quite explain.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  JACK HOVERED IN the hallway. Taryn’s massage had ended ten minutes ago and now it was his turn. He liked his turn. He liked knowing that in ninety minutes, his shoulder wouldn’t hurt and that he would sleep better that night because of it. He liked that he could completely relax because Larissa knew what she was doing and she always took care of him.

  Except relaxing today seemed impossible. He and Larissa hadn’t spoken since that kiss. If he didn’t know better, he would say they’d been avoiding each other. Which meant they were going to have to talk now and he didn’t want to. Talking about kissing would remind him of the act, and going down that road was dangerous. Not to mention humiliating.

  He was determined to keep things under control, so to speak. Which meant vigilance. He couldn’t allow his mind to wander. He had to stay focused on the pain. On staying ahead of his body. Because if he wasn’t careful, he would start to think about her hands on his body. Or worse, that damned kiss. And they all knew what would happen then.

  The door opened and Taryn stepped out. She smiled at him. “Larissa’s on her A game today, big guy. Enjoy.”

  He nodded and waited for her to walk past him. Then he started toward the half-open door, only to stop. He was naked, he thought suddenly. Buck-naked, except for the robe he would take off as soon as he got into the room. Naked and alone with a beautiful woman. Under what circumstances was that a good idea?

  He swore under his breath. Why hadn’t they hired some guy to do the massages? It would have made all their lives easier, especially his. But it was too late now. Everyone liked Larissa and there was no way he wanted to replace her. It was just, dammit all to hell, why couldn’t he shut off his brain?

  He walked purposefully toward the door and flung it open. Larissa looked up and smiled at him.

  “You are not my last massage of the day,” she said. “A couple of days ago I was trying out some techniques on Dyna and she loved them. Now I get feline requests in the evening. I give her a kitty massage, then brush her. It’s becoming a ritual.”

  Jack nodded because he couldn’t seem to speak. Had the massage table always looked so suggestive—with the top sheet pulled back? And what was up with the soft, sexy music? He glanced around the room, half looking for an escape, then told himself to suck it up. As long as he stayed focused, everything would be fine.

  She looked at him, then away. Her shoulders rose and fell with a sigh. “It doesn’t mean anything. It just happened. I’m going to ignore it and I think you should, too.”

  At first he thought she meant his erection. While ignoring it made the most sense, a part of him felt a little snubbed. Only then he realized she was talking about the kiss.

  The one that had rocked his world and left him hard for the rest of the night. Kissing Larissa had been an impulse—one he couldn’t regret. Not that he would repeat it. Because that led to yet another dangerous place.

  “You’re right,” he said. “Ignoring it would be best.”

  “Good. Then let’s get on with it.”

  She politely turned her back, as she always did. He shrugged out of his robe and hung it on the back of the door, stepped out of his shower shoes, then walked to the table. He stared at it for a second.

  “I want to start on my back,” he said.

  “Sure.”

  He figured he would have a better shot at staying in control during the first half of the massage, when he wasn’t so relaxed.

  “I want you to really dig in on my shoulder.”

  “Is it bothering you more than usual?”

  “Yes,” he lied, hoping the pain she inflicted would help.

  He got on the table, faceup, and draped the sheet over himself. Larissa moved next to him. She already had the moist pack out of the hot water. She draped it across his shoulder, then tucked it under. The warmth immediately went to work. He began to relax.

  “Should I leave the sheet on or put on a towel?” she asked.

  Because she always draped a towel across his groin, he thought. “The towel is fine.”

  She crossed to the cabinet and pulled out a towel. He closed his eyes and thought about the last offensive play of the regular season game during the 2010 season. The Stallions had been on the twenty yard line with fifteen seconds left. They’d been down by three and—

  She pulled off the sheet. Truly pulled it so that yards and yards of warm, soft linen rode against his penis. It was like silk, he thought, enjoying the sensation. Not as good as Larissa touching him, but still nice. What would make it better was if she was pulling it away to crawl in next to him. Then they would—

  He swore silently and opened his eyes. Larissa draped the towel across him, then turned away. She pumped oil onto her hands, as if she hadn’t felt anything. Which she hadn’t, he reminded himself. He was the only idiot in the room.

  He forced his brain back to the game, reliving the entire play. He’d thrown a perfect pass to Kenny who had caught it, scoring
the winning points. As he remembered the elation of the moment, Larissa slid her hands across his chest.

  She’d done it a thousand times before, to stay connected as she moved from one side to the other. It was normal and expected and not in the least bit sexy. The only problem was the light touch was just enough to get his blood pumping a little too fast.

  No way, he thought, grinding his teeth together. He would not be controlled by his dick. He was a bigger man than that. Only thinking the word bigger wasn’t his smartest idea.

  Sports, he thought frantically, as his blood heated and the familiar growing ache began. Ah, a game they’d lost. Right. Against Dallas. He’d been intercepted in the third quarter and it had all gone to shit after that. He relived the play and the subsequent disaster. It seemed to be enough to cool himself down. He breathed a little easier.

  She massaged both arms. She would do his right shoulder before he turned over, so it made sense that her next move was his legs. She walked around the table and put her hands on his left thigh. As her thumbs dug in, her fingers slid along his skin and by the time she got to his knee, he was hard as steel. He had to give Larissa points. She never faltered in her work. Even though his dick formed a good-size tent in the towel. Heat burned in him—half from arousal, half from humiliation.

  “I’m ignoring it,” he said at last.

  “Me, too.”

  He couldn’t tell for sure, but it seemed like her voice was a little strangled. Humor or mortification? He wasn’t sure he wanted to know which.

  She continued to work her way down his leg before circling the table and starting on his other leg. She half turned to reach the oil. As she moved, the towel got caught or something because he suddenly felt it sliding off. He opened his eyes and started to sit up. Instinctively he reached for it, just as she did the same. He grabbed and she stretched and their hands met, right on his erect penis, her hand trapped beneath his, his long, hard shaft below that.

  For the first time ever, Jack got the real appeal of a “happy ending.” In that split second, all he could think was how much he wanted her to touch him there. With her hands or her mouth—he didn’t much care which. As long as they stopped before he came so he could please her as much and then they would finish the whole thing with some old-fashioned intercourse.

  Which was not to be, he thought, instantly releasing her hand and half expecting her to jump back and shriek. She didn’t jump or yell, instead she studied him.

  “If you want to go take care of that, I can wait,” she said.

  It took a second for the meaning of her words to sink in and when they did, he deflated like a popped balloon.

  “Excuse me?”

  She shrugged. “It would solve the problem.”

  She expected him to go masturbate? Like some kid? “No,” he said firmly, gathering the towel and his dignity as best he could and sliding off the table. “No.”

  He crossed to his robe and pulled it on. Only then did he let the towel drop to the floor. He slid into his shoes and stalked out of the massage room.

  It was only when he was back in the relative safety of the locker room that he realized she probably thought he’d retreated to do just what she’d suggested. And there didn’t seem to be a way to tell her otherwise.

  * * *

  LARISSA FINISHED CLEANING up her massage room, then turned off the lights and walked toward her office. Jack’s inexplicable behavior still had her shaking her head. She didn’t like that he was making a habit of running out on her. Plus, she hadn’t finished her massage, so she knew he would be in pain. Her job was to prevent that. They had a really big problem—all penis puns aside—and she didn’t know how to fix it.

  Yes, the whole erection thing had been a bit awkward. Personally, she’d found it difficult to think about anything else and she would guess he’d had the same problem. While she wanted to take credit for his aroused state, she had a feeling it was a lot more about circumstances than any allure on her part. She also knew exactly who was to blame.

  She walked into her small office only to find her cell phone ringing. A single glance at the screen warned her the caller was the person who had started all this mess.

  “Hi, Mom,” she said when she answered.

  “Larissa, dear, I’m checking in. How are things?”

  Complicated. Embarrassing. Confusing. There were so many words, she thought, not sure if the situation was comical or tragic. Probably a little of both, she thought.

  “Things are good,” she said, taking the easy way out. “How about with you?”

  “The usual. Your sister is finally admitting she’s pregnant.”

  “The baby’s due in a couple of months.”

  “You know that and I know that, but she’s been avoiding the truth. Your stepfather and I are going over this weekend to help with the nursery. A little paint, some new bedding and they’ll be ready.”

  Larissa settled in her chair. “I’m sure they appreciate your help.”

  “I’m sure they do. How are things with Jack?”

  Larissa caught her breath. “That was subtle.”

  “I wasn’t trying to be. He told you I talked to him.”

  “Yes, and what you said.”

  “I’m not wrong.”

  Larissa drew in a deep breath and told herself to stay calm. “Mom, I’m not in love with Jack.”

  “Really? When was the last time you went on a date?”

  “I haven’t met any single guys here, yet. I’ve only been in town a few weeks.” It was more like months, but why say that. “I’ve made lots of girlfriends and that’s more important right now. I want a support network.”

  “Why? You have a loving family, but fine. Have your girlfriends.”

  “Gee, thanks.”

  “Oh, Larissa, I’m not trying to be difficult.”

  “Maybe not, but you embarrassed me, Mom. You shouldn’t have said what you did to Jack. He’s my boss.”

  There was a pause. “All right. You might be right about that, but I only did it for your own good.”

  “Trying to get me fired so I can move back to L.A.? How does that help me?”

  “You need more than your feelings for Jack and your causes. You’re so busy trying to save the world, you never have any time for yourself. Jack exacerbates the problem. You’re so close that you’re getting most of your emotional needs met, but you’re not actually in a relationship. It’s a dangerous situation. You’re not thinking about your future. Don’t you want to get married and have children?”

  Talk about blunt, Larissa thought, telling herself that her mother was wrong about all of it. She had to be. “Eventually. What I don’t want is to do it on your timetable.”

  “I know, honey, but I’m terrified you’re making choices for the wrong reasons. That you’re hiding behind your so-called good works. Yes, saving animals is important, but so is saving yourself. You don’t have to say anything, just promise me you’ll think about it.”

  “Only if you promise to never pull anything like that again.”

  “I promise.”

  “Me, too.”

  “Good. Now let me know when you plan to come for a visit. Your stepfather recently hired a couple of very nice, single accountants in his office. I think you’d like them both very much.”

  And the conversation was going to end the way it started, Larissa thought, not sure if she should laugh or scream.

  “I’ll talk to you soon, Mom.”

  “All right. I love you.”

  “I love you, too. Bye.”

  * * *

  JACK WALKED TO the break room. He needed coffee. Actually what he needed was a drink, but it was too early in the day. He had plenty of vices without going down that particular path. But even without drinking, he was a mess. He couldn�
�t focus and he knew the cause. But what was he supposed to say to make things right?

  He poured himself a large cup of coffee then rummaged around in the cabinet. There were plenty of cookies and chips, along with protein bars and other healthy alternatives. But he wasn’t hungry.

  “Hey,” Sam said as he walked into the break room. “What’s going on?”

  “Not much,” Jack said with a silent wince.

  For a second he thought about asking Sam to tell Larissa that he didn’t masturbate, but he stopped himself. Seriously, how was that going to work? First, he could never have that conversation with anyone and second, Sam would never pass the news on to Larissa. Even worse, Jack would hear about it for the rest of his life. No, better to suffer in silence.

  “Taryn has some campaign ideas she wants feedback on,” Sam told him. “Stop by her office when you get a chance.”

  “Sure thing,” Jack said.

  He went to see Taryn and faked his way through a conversation on which colors popped more on a new rum campaign, then wandered back to his own desk. He was both hoping to see and dreading running in to Larissa. They had to get their problem worked out. Of course, that would first require him knowing what the problem was and then fixing it.

  By four he was ready to be done for the day. He’d accomplished little and there didn’t seem to be much hope for improvement. He was going to go home, have some quality time with a merlot and a few highlight reels, then come up with a plan to fix things with Larissa. He had plenty of women he could call. Maybe a wild weekend with one of them would cure what ailed him.

  He turned to shut down his computer just as Larissa walked into his office. Her shoulders were slumped and tears filled her eyes. He was instantly on his feet.

  “What?” he asked, circling his desk toward her.

  She drew in a shuddering breath. “Mary died. Early this morning. I just got the call.”

  He held out his arms even as he wondered who Mary was. With Larissa there was an equal chance that Mary was a kid or an orangutan.