by Vicky Owen
‘Uh…’ Worry crosses Jenna’s face as she exchanges a knowing look with Rob, whom I still know nothing about. ‘Yeah. They offered me the studentship on Friday. I’m sorry.’
My heart sinks. Great. No Jake. No mitochondria. Nothing.
They’re waiting for a reaction. I smile—after all, it’s not her fault. ‘Congratulations!’
Maybe a bit forced. But it is her fault, a little. If she hadn’t applied, maybe I would have got it.
Stop it. You’re being ridiculous.
Her face relaxes and a soft smile spreads across her face. ‘Thanks,’ she says, ‘and…yeah. Sorry. But I’m sure you’ll get one of the others you’ve applied for!’
How? How can she possibly be sure? I could be failing all my modules for all she knows.
You’re still being ridiculous.
‘Yeah, hopefully.’
Liam returns with four drinks. Beers of some sort for him and the ever-silent Rob. Water for Jenna. And…not lemonade for me.
‘Sorry,’ he says, seeing my expression. ‘They’ve run out of lemonade, so I went out on a limb and ordered orange juice.’ He smiles at me, seemingly pleased with himself.
I nod, trying to look grateful. Liam instead of Jake, my first choice of PhD gone, and orange juice instead of lemonade. This is my life now.
Whatever.
‘So’—Rob finally speaks—’whose turn is it?’
‘Cerys’s, I think,’ smiles Jenna. I think I’ve made a friend.
TWO HOURS AND three more games later, the four of us leave the bar and head for the taxi rank. The sun has long since set. I look up: clear sky. Cold.
Jenna and Rob walk slightly ahead. Liam puts his arm around me.
This isn’t so bad, I reason, despite still feeling not much of anything. It’s been a fun night, at least.
And hey, now I can stop waiting to hear from my first-choice PhD project.
‘So,’ Liam says quietly, leaning down so I can hear him better, ‘you want to come back to mine?’ There’s alcohol on his breath, and I instinctively lean away a little. But he’s still cute, somewhat. Even if he does nothing for me.
But this is what I want, isn’t it? Something I can easily walk away from, right? And, if nothing else, it’ll put the final nail in the coffin for me and Jake and any romantic ideas I had on that front. It’s not going to happen with him anyway, so I may as well start moving on.
Liam pulls me closer. ‘Well?’
Is this really what I want? I feel like I’m being hustled.
I take a deep breath. Come on, you can do this.
‘Okay.’ I hear my voice, but it’s not really me saying it. It’s like I’m on autopilot.
‘Awesome,’ he says as we round the corner and approach the row of taxis.
Jenna and Rob stop and turn, waiting for us to catch up.
‘So what’s the plan?’ Jenna says, tilting her head to the side. ‘Back to ours?’
‘Yeah?’ Liam looks at me. I didn’t realise Jenna was staying with him. And possibly Rob, too.
‘I was thinking,’ I start slowly, half-wondering whether I should just leave, ‘maybe we could…go back to mine?’
Liam grins as Jenna raises an eyebrow.
‘Back to yours?’ she says.
‘Just me and Liam.’
‘Oh. Yeah. Obviously.’ She looks a little embarrassed.
‘Awesome. See you guys tomorrow,’ says Liam, already leading me towards one of the taxis. Jenna and Rob watch as we get into the back together.
The driver asks where we’re going, I tell him, and we pull away. Liam pulls my hand onto his lap, gripping it tightly, and I don’t resist. I’ve committed to this now, although in all honesty my skin is starting to crawl. His hands are cold and clammy, and now I know I don’t want this. Don’t want him to come home with me. I want him to leave.
This is not a good idea. Whatever’s going on in my head right now, this isn’t going to help. It’s just going to make it all so much worse.
‘I really like you, Cerys.’
Well that’s one thing he’s got over Jake, at least. He’s not afraid to be seen with me or to tell me how he feels about me. But I can’t bring myself to answer or even to look at him, so I turn my head away and look out the window, watching the lights fly by as I try to think of an out.
God, I’m so stupid. Why did I think this would help?
The taxi rolls to a stop and I realise we’ve arrived at our destination. Liam pays the driver as I climb out of the car and stare up at the building, trying desperately to think of a way to stop this.
Maybe Mylo and Lexi are home, I think. They’ll help me.
‘So this is it, eh?’ Liam is by my side and taking my hand again. I nod, my mouth dry. He starts walking us towards the door, and I can’t help remembering the one time I brought Jake here.
Taxi. Night time. Clear sky.
I could just tell him to leave.
‘Cerys!’
My stomach flips. That voice. Jake, wearing just a dark red t-shirt and jeans, bursts through the door in front of us. I try to break free of Liam, but his grip on my hand tightens.
‘What…what are you doing here?’
‘I needed to see you.’
‘Yeah, well, it can wait,’ says Liam, pulling me towards the door.
‘Stop.’ I pull my arm back but he doesn’t let my hand go. Frowning, I look at Jake. ‘How did you get in?’
‘Lexi.’
Of course.
‘We need to talk,’ he says, stepping closer. His hair falls ever so slightly over his eyes. God, those eyes.
‘No, we don’t,’ I say, shaking my head, more to steady my thoughts than for emphasis.
‘Fine. I need to talk to you.’
‘Hey, the lady said no. Now fuck off.’ Liam pulls my arm again.
‘No!’ The force in my voice surprises me as I finally pull my hand free. ‘Jesus.’ I rub my sore hand. The lady. Fucking hell.
Jake steps aggressively in front of Liam. ‘Leave. Now.’ His voice is low and it bristles with danger.
‘Or what?’ Alcohol has made Liam confident.
I can see the muscles rippling in Jake’s arms as he takes a slow, controlled breath. ‘You don’t want to know.’
‘Please, Liam. Just…go.’ I turn away. I can’t bring myself to look at him. I feel terrible for leading him on.
No one speaks for a moment.
Finally, Liam sighs. ‘Fine. Whatever.’ He turns to leave, then stops and looks at me bitterly. ‘Tonight was a complete waste. You were a miserable bitch the whole time, and you won’t even put out.’
What the fuck?
‘I mean, you’re not that fucking special.’
Ouch.
‘You better shut your mouth and fuck off,’ growls Jake.
Liam shakes his head and starts walking away. ‘You’re welcome to her, mate,’ he calls back.
We stand there for a moment, watching him leave. I can still practically see the adrenaline pumping through Jake. Eventually, he turns back to me.
‘He seemed friendly.’
‘Fuck off.’ I don’t want to admit how embarrassingly wrong I was about him.
Jake sighs. ‘Cerys, I really do need to talk to you.’
I shake my head, looking down at my feet to dampen the effect he has on me.
‘Please?’
I know I’m going to leave with him. I knew the moment he came through the door.
He offers his hand and I give him mine. He softly intertwines his fingers with mine, and it feels like home.
‘Just over there.’
We walk to his car and he opens the door for me.
Jake
WE DRIVE IN silence for a little while. I’m not sure what to say, not yet. I need more time to put the words together.
I can still hear Gethin asking me if I love Cerys, and his smug reply in response to my non-reply. Since when is he such an expert on relationships?
Changing gears as I approach a round
about, I glance over at her. She’s chewing on the fleshy part of her thumb, looking out the window.
What was she doing with that guy? And what the fuck did he think he was doing with her? I’ve seen him before. The nightclub. The game shop. That guy. I guess she does like him.
But she loves me. She wouldn’t even have been seeing him if I hadn’t been so fucking mute.
Jesus, I don’t like the effect this is having on me.
Gethin’s right. I can’t let Ana fuck up my relationships forever. Especially not if I could have a relationship with Cerys.
We merge onto a dual carriageway, taking us away from the brighter lights of the streets behind us. Just headlights, moonlight and starlight now.
Should I say something?
Cerys suddenly shifts in her seat. After a slight hesitation, she reaches for the radio. She looks up at me with her wide eyes, their colour barely visible in the darkness. ‘Can I?’
I merely nod, afraid of what I’ll say if I speak.
She turns on the radio, turning the volume up slightly. As she finishes fiddling with the dial and pulls her arm back, I reach over and take her hand, wrapping my fingers around hers. Her skin is cold, and I realise I left my hoodie back at her place. She’s wearing one of her own but it’s clearly not enough, so I flip the heaters on.
It takes a few minutes, but soon the air is warm and I start to relax a little, her hand in mine. Then a new song comes on and, yep, there it is.
Missing.
As discreetly as possible, I look over at Cerys. She’s furrowing her brow and biting her bottom lip. She looks beautiful, but I can tell that something is wrong.
As if sensing my concern, Cerys turns her head away from me and uses her free hand to pull her hood over her head for good measure.
Still, she lets the song play and doesn’t try to free her other hand from mine.
I wish I could know what she’s thinking.
We exit the dual carriageway three songs later, and within a minute or two I’ve pulled into a secluded gravel car park. My hand reluctantly lets go of hers as I pull the handbrake up and undo my seatbelt.
Cerys looks through the windshield, one eyebrow raised. ‘Where are we?’
‘I’ll show you. C’mon,’ I say, opening the door.
‘But you’ll freeze outside.’ She still hasn’t unbuckled her seatbelt.
‘Nah, I’ll be fine. Zip up your hoodie, though.’ I exit the car, and she joins me outside a few seconds later. Activating the torch on my phone, I take her by the hand and lead her to a picnic table on a patch of grass just beyond the car park.
‘It’s so cold,’ she says, and so I put my arm around her narrow shoulders and pull her as close to me as possible. ‘You must be freezing,’ she adds, looking up at me. She slips her arm around my back as we approach the bench.
I am a bit. But she doesn’t need to worry about that.
‘Sit on the table,’ I say. She eyes me suspiciously, but hoists herself up onto the picnic table as instructed. Once she’s up, I turn the light off and sit next to her. ‘Okay, lie back.’
‘What?’
‘Lie back.’
‘I’m not having sex with you here. In the cold. Like this.’ Even with no lights around, I can still see the gleam in her eyes as they narrow.
‘What? No, that’s not why.’
She doesn’t move.
‘Fine, I’ll go first.’ I lie back and wait. After a brief hesitation, she joins me.
As soon as her head touches the table, she gasps. ‘Oh! The stars! Fuck, they look amazing. Wow.’
The smile that spreads across my face is entirely involuntary, and I close my hand around hers.
‘Is that the Milky Way?’ Her free hand points towards the cluster of stars crossing the sky. She knows it is. The question is to herself, not to me. ‘How do you know about this place?’
‘I…used to come here. I found it by accident a few years ago, back when we were recording our first album. I’d come here to think. Trying to make sense of things. It was the only thing that helped.’ I turn my head to face her. There’s no going back from here. ‘It reminded me of you.’
Now it’s her turn to face me. Her face is so close to mine, her breath warm and sweet on my lips. Less a few inches and we’d be kissing. I need to kiss her.
But she turns her face away again, back towards the stars. ‘You’re not over her, are you?’ Her voice is stilted. ‘Ana, I mean.’
‘What? I was over Ana before we even broke up.’
Cerys is silent for a few minutes, just staring at the sky.
‘You still feel guilty.’
I frown and turn to face the Milky Way again. ‘Yes,’ I say quietly. ‘Wouldn’t you?’
‘I don’t know. Maybe. But it wasn’t your fault.’
‘It’s not that easy.’
More silence.
‘Is that why you always play Missing?’
‘Missing? It’s our biggest song.’
Cerys shakes her head. ‘I mean…because it’s about her.’
‘No, it’s about you.’ I say the words before I can stop myself. There really is no going back now.
Cerys says nothing, just keeps looking skywards. Her only response is a ragged intake of breath.
‘I wrote it a little while after Ana died. I was reflecting on everything, and I ended up thinking about college, about what things were like then. About you. And once your face popped into my head, the song practically wrote itself.’
Silence. Stillness. An almost imperceptible tightening of her grip on my hand.
I run a hand through my hair, desperately wanting her to say something. Anything. The desire to take her in my arms is almost overwhelming, but I force myself to stay calm.
‘Who knows?’ she finally says, and it takes me a second to figure out what she means.
‘Gethin. I’m pretty sure he does, anyway.’ He seems to know fucking everything these days.
‘Anyone else?’ She turns to face me, but I’m not quite ready to look into her eyes yet.
‘Luc and Harry have probably figured it out.’
She faces the sky again, and I suddenly feel very exposed.
The gaming guy, remember?
‘Who’s that dick who always seems to be around you?’
‘You.’ She grins at her own joke before shaking her head and looking away. ‘Just someone I had a passing interest in. Until you showed up again.’ She turns to face me once more. ‘He seemed all right, but I guess I was wrong.’
Cerys sighs and sits up, pulling her hand away.
‘At least he didn’t mind being seen with me, though.’
‘What do you mean?’ I sit up next to her.
‘You. Secret back entrances at the cinema. Telling everyone I’m just sex. I mean, that’s all he wanted from me too, but at least I didn’t feel like I was some shameful secret to him.’ Her eyes meet mine. Wide and innocent. Hurt.
‘Cerys, I…I just wanted to protect you. To keep things private between us.’ How could I get it all so wrong?
She shakes her head. ‘It’s not enough. And it’s too much.’ She looks at me again. ‘Can we go home?’
I nod numbly. She takes my hand and allows me to guide us back to the car.
As we buckle our seatbelts, I try to find the words that will say what I want to say—what I need to say.
‘It’s okay,’ she says, touching my hand. ‘It’s not your fault. This is my fault. I should have been honest from the beginning.’
‘You were.’
‘No. I didn’t even try speaking to you. Guess I can’t do the “just sex” thing very well. I’m sorry.’ She looks down at her hands, which are resting in her lap. Fuck, this is killing me.
‘Cerys,’ I run my hands through my hair, ‘you didn’t have to say anything. I knew.’
‘You did?’ She looks up. ‘How?’
‘Because I know you. I just…fuck. This is hard.’ Our eyes meet. There’s worry on her face as she
waits for me to finish my thought. ‘I love you, and I’ve hurt you. I’ve been in love with you for fuck knows how long. And I find you, accidentally, after years, and I make you feel worthless. Jesus.’ I frown and rub my head with my fingers. A soft hand takes mine and pulls it down and out of the way, allowing full, soft lips to meet mine. Cerys kisses me, gently at first, then more hungrily. She unbuckles her seatbelt so as to lean over more easily and wrap her arms around me.
I free myself from my own seatbelt and pull her onto my lap, but she pulls back slightly, leaning her forehead on mine. There are tears wetting her lashes.
‘I can’t,’ she whispers.
‘Can’t what?’ I brush a strand of blonde hair away from her face. ‘What’s wrong?’
‘It’s the Ana stuff. I need to go home. I need to think.’
A lump forms in my throat to rival the erection straining against my jeans as she climbs off me and sinks back in her seat. ‘Okay.’
It’s not okay. But it has to be.
We drive back in silence. As I pull up outside her flat, she puts her hand on mine and looks at me. The tears are gone, but her cheeks are flushed pink and her eyes look tired.
‘I love you. I’m sorry.’
‘I love you, too.’ Please don’t go.
She opens the car door and vanishes into the building.
CHAPTER 17
Cerys
I TURN OFF the shower and step out of the cubicle. Steam floods the room as I, wrapping a towel around myself, contemplate whether I should go straight back to my bedroom or towel off properly in here to avoid dripping everywhere.
‘Cerys? Are you finished in there?’ Lexi’s voice at the door makes the decision for me. Bedroom it is.
‘Yeah, just a minute.’ I pick up my clothes and check that the towel is fastened tightly around me before opening the door.
‘I swear you take the longest showers known to man,’ Lexi says as she’s enveloped by the cloud of mist escaping the bathroom. ‘Oh, and the hottest. Great. My hair is going to frizz like a motherfucker.’
‘Lexi! Swearing! I thought better of you,’ I say, faux-shocked, tossing my clothes into the laundry basket.
She pulls a face at me before locking herself in the bathroom.