by Vicky Owen
I sigh. ‘I don’t think I’ll be seeing him again.’
Lexi puts down the notes. ‘Why not?’
I shake my head.
‘He didn’t even finish the gig, you know,’ Lexi says.
‘Seriously?’
‘Nope.’
Great. Bet I’m really Miss Popularity with their fans now.
I sink back against the sofa and put the file to one side. He let me leave. I told him I love him and he just let me walk away. I’ve been mentally replaying that conversation over and over again all week, and every time hurts just as much as the first. But, realistically, I wasn’t expecting anything else. Deep down I know I wanted more, but I’m not entirely deluded.
‘I need to forget him.’
Lexi looks up. ‘Are you sure? He stopped a gig for you. I don’t know what happened afterwards, but there’s clearly something between you two.’
‘There isn’t. There wasn’t. It was just…nothing.’ I can’t bring myself to say it was just sex. I don’t know why. Maybe I’d rather pretend it was nothing at all than admit it was just a little of something. ‘Besides,’ I continue, sitting back up, ‘I think I want to play the field for a while.’
Lexi raises an eyebrow. ‘Really?’
Since when is Lexi so cautious about this kind of thing? ‘It might help, you know?’
‘Well,’ she says slowly, ‘if you’re sure.’
‘I am.’
For the next few minutes the room is silent, save for the sound of rustling papers and the occasional sigh as we gradually realise just how much information we need to retain for the assessment tomorrow.
‘So who?’ Lexi says suddenly.
‘Who what?’
‘Who’ve you got in mind?’
I give her a confused look.
‘For dating purposes, I mean.’
‘Oh.’ I hadn’t really thought that far ahead. ‘Maybe we could go out tomorrow night? Or there’s always Liam.’
‘Liam?’
‘Playboard guy.’
‘Oh yeah.’ Lexi looks a little unconvinced, but turns back to her notes without saying any more.
‘What? What’s wrong with Liam?’
‘Nothing.’ Lexi sighs. I raise an eyebrow and she puts the notes down. ‘It’s just…you didn’t really seem interested last time. Especially when Jake showed up. I don’t know exactly what happened, but the last I saw of him he was storming out.’
‘That was just because of Jake.’ I hope.
Her eyes stay on me.
‘Fine. Only one way to find out.’ I pick up my mobile. I still half-expect to see it flashing with a message from Jake whenever I look at it. Even now, my heart sinks a little when there’s nothing there.
‘What are you doing?’
‘He gave me his number,’ I say as I compose a message.
‘When?’
‘Ages ago. I think they have game nights on Sundays. I’ll just ask. Pretend like I don’t know. At least there’ll be games even if he doesn’t show up.’
‘You’re not even remotely interested in him.’
‘He’s cute. Somewhat.’ I press send.
‘You’d never be able to bring yourself to initiate first contact if you were actually into him.’ Lexi leans back against the wall, folding her arms.
‘Maybe that’s a good thing,’ I say. ‘It’s only meant to be for fun.’
‘But what about him?’
I roll my eyes. ‘In my experience, that’s the only thing men want from women anyway.’ I can’t hide the bitterness in my voice.
Hurt flashes across Lexi’s face, just for a moment. ‘That’s not true.’
‘Maybe not for you, but it’s all they seem to want from me.’ I swallow the lump in my throat that’s threatening to turn into tears. ‘And it’ll be easier if it’s someone I don’t want more from in return.’ I’ve said more than I intended to, and Lexi responds with a frown.
‘What did Jake even say to you outside the SU that night?’
‘Nothing worth remembering.’ Just that he wanted me to stay, probably because I’m an easy fuck.
‘Well…what did you say?’
I take a deep breath. ‘That I…’ I pause. ‘I don’t want to see him any more.’
‘But why not? It seems so sudden.’
‘He vanished and didn’t speak to me for two weeks.’
‘I thought you wanted something casual.’
‘I did!’
‘Then what’s the problem?’
‘It’s just too…complicated. I don’t want to talk about it. I just want to forget about the whole thing.’ Please, Lexi. Just drop it.
She looks at me for a moment longer. ‘Okay.’
My phone vibrates with a new message. Liam.
Jake
‘I’M STILL PISSED with you.’
‘Whatever.’ I pay for the drinks, and we head back to our seats as heavy bass pumps out around us.
‘I’m fucking serious,’ says Gethin, taking his drink out of my hand. ‘What the fuck were you doing?’
‘Trying to do the right thing.’ We sit down. A group of girls have spotted us, and I know it’s only a matter of time before they approach. Just once, it’d be nice to go out and not get mauled.
Harry’s probably enjoying the pickings though. I look around and try to spot him, or indeed Luc, but neither of them are anywhere to be seen.
‘And what was that?’ Gethin interrupts.
‘What was what?’
He releases an exasperated sigh. ‘The right thing?’
‘Do we have to have this conversation?’
‘No. We can talk about the part where we ended a gig after less than one and a half songs if you’d prefer.’ He takes a sip of his drink before putting it down on the table in front of us. He focuses hard on my face. ‘Pick one.’
‘Or we could talk about neither,’ I try, taking a big gulp of water. ‘Where are the others?’
I search the room again, but the strobe comes on and obscures my view.
‘Jesus fucking Christ. I’ve never known someone so fucking clueless.’
‘Can you see them?’
‘What? No!’ Another sigh. ‘Jake. Look at me.’
Reluctantly, I turn. He really is pissed with me. ‘Look, I don’t want to talk about it, okay?’
‘Tough. You don’t get to fuck up a gig and not even explain why.’
‘I told you why. I had to speak to her.’
‘So why didn’t we finish the set?’
I rub my head. ‘I just…wasn’t up for it. It doesn’t matter, anyway—you sorted it out with the promoter. I’ll be fine for whenever you rescheduled it. Friday?’
‘So, what, we can only play when you feel like it?’ Gethin glares at me. ‘Bullshit.’
I turn away from him and notice that those girls are still looking at us. I will them to come over, if only to end this stupid conversation. But no—they stay right where they are, giggling and chattering to one another.
Come on, we won’t bite.
‘What did you say to her?’
‘Why does it matter? I thought you’d be happy that she doesn’t want to see me any more.’
Gethin frowns. ‘Cerys said that?’
‘Yeah.’ I think so, anyway. The whole thing is a blur now.
‘What did you say?’
‘I asked her to stay.’ I finally spot Luc—he’s sitting on a bar stool, engrossed in his phone. Probably Hayley, still wanting to get back with him.
‘So she came to see you play, walked out, then decided she never wanted to see you again…all because you asked her to stay?’ Gethin’s unconvinced.
‘Yes.’
‘Yeah, that makes sense.’ He raises his eyebrow. ‘Now tell me what really happened.’
‘Why? I thought this is what you wanted.’
‘I never said that.’
‘You said I shouldn’t get involved.’
‘No,’ he says slowly, ‘I told you not to fu
ck her around.’
We sit in silence for a moment. The one time I want some girls to come over and interrupt us, and they’re too fucking shy. And where’s Harry?
‘You can’t let Ana fuck you up forever, you know.’
I pretend not to hear him.
‘What did she actually say?’
I sigh, looking down and lowering my voice, half-hoping he doesn’t hear. ‘She loves me.’
Gethin laughs. ‘Fucking obviously. And what did you say?’
‘Nothing,’ I say, even quieter this time. I know what’s coming.
‘What the fuck is wrong with you?’
‘I don’t do relationships, okay?’
‘This is fucking Ana.’ Gethin shakes his head. ‘I never liked her. Why the fuck were you even with her? Cerys was right there and clearly besotted with you. You were inseparable. Then she came along’—his voice is suddenly dripping with venom—’and you fucked it all up. And you’re still fucking it up to this very day.’
I glare at him. ‘You all told me that this wasn’t a good idea. Weeks ago.’
‘Since when do you give a fuck what any of us say?’ Gethin takes another gulp of his drink.
Another uncomfortably quiet moment passes.
‘Do you?’ Gethin is looking at me.
‘Do I what?’
‘Love her?’
‘Fuck off.’ I fucking hate having friends sometimes. Especially friends in relationships, friends who know too much about me.
‘Answer the question.’
‘It doesn’t matter,’ I say, trying to sound like I don’t care. ‘She doesn’t want to see me any more.’
A tiny smile appears on Gethin’s face. ‘Thought so.’
I look over to the group of girls yet again. What’s keeping them?
Gethin follows my gaze. ‘Oh fuck off. Like you’re even interested.’
Jesus Christ. I look back to Luc’s bar stool to find that he’s no longer sitting on it, and then I finally spot Harry. Opposite side of the room, barely visible in the shadows. Two girls. Naturally.
‘So how’s Leah?’
Gethin raises an eyebrow, and it’s clear that we haven’t finished talking about me yet.
If it weren’t for this fucking mess, I’d probably be in a dark corner of the club with a couple of girls right now.
If it weren’t for Cerys.
I fucking miss her. Her face. Her laugh. Her stubbornness.
The way she’s not afraid to tell me to fuck off.
‘You need to tell her.’
I turn back to Gethin.
‘Thinking about her, aren’t you?’
I say nothing.
‘For fuck’s sake, man. You need to learn to be happy. I know your relationship with Ana was a shitstorm, but you can’t let that prevent you from having a meaningful relationship ever again.’
I snort. ‘Deep, man.’
‘Shut up. You know I’m right.’
On the opposite side of the room, I spy Harry standing up and preparing to leave. The two girls take an arm each, and they head for the exit. Gethin watches him too. ‘He’s good,’ he says. ‘That used to be you.’
‘Yeah.’
‘It would still be you if not for Cerys.’
I look down. ‘I really hate you right now.’
‘Yeah, well.’ He sips his drink.
‘You’re a fucking cunt.’
‘Yep,’ he says, putting his drink back down. ‘So. Are you going to see her?’
‘She doesn’t want to see me.’
‘She does.’
I laugh. ‘Psychic now, are you?’
‘No. I just know Cerys. I saw how she looked at you at the Tram House.’
Me too.
‘You were a real shit to her, by the way.’
‘That was Harry.’
‘He’s not the one who shouted that it was just sex.’ Gethin pulls out his phone. The screen is lit up with Leah’s face. ‘I’ll be right back.’
‘Girl problems?’ I grin.
‘Shut the fuck up. And I’m not done with you.’ He walks towards the exit, answering his phone as he leaves.
I sink back in my seat. I thought we came out to relax tonight. Not to give Gethin an opportunity to grill me about my clusterfuck of a life.
I pull my phone out of my pocket and open my conversation with Cerys. My thumbs hover over the keypad as I consider my options.
But she said she doesn’t want to see me again.
‘Hey, are you Jake Norton? From No Reckless?’ A shy-sounding voice draws my gaze upwards. It’s one of those girls. Long blonde hair, a black dress clinging to her slim body.
Oh, so now you come over.
‘Yeah,’ I say, slipping my phone back in my pocket. I can see her friends watching us.
‘Oh wow,’ she says, taking Gethin’s seat.
The fuck? I didn’t invite you to sit next to me.
‘I’m a huge fan,’ she says, putting her hand on my leg.
‘Yeah?’
‘Uh huh,’ she nods. ‘I came to your gig the other night but you only played one song.’ She lowers her head slightly so she can give me puppy dog eyes. ‘I was thinking maybe you could make it up to me for disappointing your biggest fan.’
‘My biggest fan?’
She nods and bites her lip. ‘And I could’—her fingers circle on my thigh before walking up to my forearm—‘show you how much I love your music.’
I narrow my eyes at her. My body isn’t reacting to her at all—it may as well be Gethin flirting with me. I briefly wonder if he’d be better at this than her.
He definitely would.
I smile. ‘Sorry, no private shows.’
Her face falls, and she looks both hurt and outraged. Then, just as quickly, she regains her composure and leans forward, emphasising her cleavage.
‘You know, I saw that girl you chased out of the SU. I know her.’
She knows Cerys? ‘Oh yeah?’
‘Yeah. She’s on my course. She’s such a bitch. So serious. So fucking banal. You’re way too good for her. You could have someone so much more fun.’ She raises her eyebrow at me, smiling.
‘Is that so?’ I can feel the anger rising in me. This is definitely none of her business.
‘And I’m way better than her,’ she continues, clearly too stupid to realise that this tactic isn’t helping her chat-up attempt. She’s not good enough to even say Cerys’ name. ‘Better in every way.’
‘What the fuck is this?’ Gethin’s back, looking at me suspiciously.
‘Oh hello! I’m Laura. You’re Gethin Locke, right?’ The girl giggles and tries to wrap herself around my arm. ‘I was just telling Jake that he’s wasting his time chasing after that miserable cow from your SU gig.’
Gethin’s expression darkens. She’d better stop talking.
‘Jesus, what is wrong with you?’ I shake her off my arm, forgetting that she’s a fan.
For a moment, both Gethin and Laura seem unsure as to which one of them I’m addressing
‘And you clearly haven’t got a fucking clue about anything,’ I add. I stand, turning to Gethin. ‘Come on.’
‘Where are you going?’ Laura says, standing up and adjusting her dress.
Gethin raises an eyebrow. ‘Cerys?’
I nod. ‘I’ll drop you off on the way.’
‘What about me?!’
I turn back to Laura. ‘What about you?’
She huffs and returns to her friends, face like thunder. I nod in the direction of the exit and Gethin follows me out.
CHAPTER 16
Cerys
‘EPIDEMIC.’
‘Fuck. Okay. Jenna?’
‘Just reshuffling.’
Liam and the two people I met less than thirty minutes ago exchange worried glances as one of them—Jenna—puts the reshuffled cards back on top of the deck. Jenna, a slight girl with impossibly straight hair and cute round glasses, tentatively picks up the top card.
‘Kinsh
asa,’ she says. We all look at the board.
‘Not ideal but still contained,’ says Liam, putting a yellow cube on the board. ‘And?’
‘And,’ Jenna says slowly, picking up the next card, ‘Mumbai.’
‘Damn! Outbreak.’
I let the others—Liam, Jenna and a quiet guy named Rob—add more cubes to the board, reasoning silently with myself that another pair of hands would just get in the way.
Liam catches my eye and smiles. ‘Fun, right?’
No.
I smile and nod anyway. In all fairness, the game is fine. Good, even, if a little tame compared to the Legacy edition. And these people are nice enough. I’m just not feeling it right now.
‘Another drink?’ Liam says.
My glass is empty, but I hesitate for a moment, remembering the guy in Low with his vodka orange. That creep. I wonder what happened to him…
‘Cerys?’
Oh. ‘Yes please,’ I say. ‘Just some lemonade.’
‘Cool,’ he smiles. ‘Jenna? Rob?’
Their voices blur together as they tell him what they’re having and I drift into my own little world yet again. I wonder where Jake is. What he’s doing. Who he’s with. Seeing him again, spending time with him…I miss it. I miss his hands on me, and his voice. His teasing. And, most importantly, I miss him.
This was a mistake. I don’t want to be here.
Still, at least Liam doesn’t mind being seen with me in public. No matter what, I know I can’t forget the way Jake insisted that I was “just sex” in front of his bandmates. Maybe he really did want me to stay the other night, but it’s still not enough.
I’m not even sure what would be enough.
‘So what do you do?’ A voice snaps me out of my thoughts. Jenna’s looking at me. ‘Liam didn’t really tell us much,’ she says with a smile. ‘Just that you buy a lot of games.’
It takes me a moment to think of a response. What do I do? ‘Genetics. I’m doing genetics.’
‘Oh, cool! I’m doing microbiology, but not here. Just visiting for the weekend. Third year.’
‘Yeah, same,’ I nod.
‘What are you thinking of doing after graduation?’
‘PhD hopefully. I’ve applied for a few. Hoping to get onto the mitochondrial project being run in London, but I think there’s only one funded place this year.’