by S. L. Siwik
I stood there quietly for a moment, collecting myself before walking towards the door. I wasn’t angry at them. They had defended my honor and put themselves at risk. I wasn’t even angry that they didn’t try harder to let me know. Honestly, I was pissed at myself.
“Where are you going?” Brian asked.
I turned around, taking in a deep breath. “I’m going lingerie shopping.”
They all blinked silently. I could see the silent stream of questions in their eyes, unsure which ones to ask first.
“l’m not mad at any of you. I’m sorry for putting you in such a difficult position.” I rubbed my forehead as a painful headache started settling in. “I just want you guys to know. It’s not that I didn’t believe in you guys. I just…wanted to believe in him more.”
A new stream of questions ran across his eyes. “You’re not going to yell at them?” Max asked.
I shook my head. “I don’t know if I believe Ryan’s statement that a man can love a woman and still cheat on her. But, that doesn’t matter.”
“Why not?” Brian nearly shouted the words.
Fresh tears rolled down my face. “Because that’s not the kind of love that I want in my life. And that’s all that really matters concerning him and me.” I could scarcely explain how I felt at that moment. I barely understood the tornado of emotions inside me. All I knew at that moment was that my pride kept me holding on to Ryan. To admit that I had erred, that I had chosen wrong, that I had given my heart to someone unworthy hurt more than simply trying to clutch onto broken pieces of a relationship. And if I was being truly honest with myself, I had more fun with my friends in the last two days than I had with Ryan in the last month. I didn’t know if there were different kinds of romantic love out there, but ours just didn’t seem to be enough.
“Besides, he’s always been like a ten, and I’ve been like a five. Our relationship never made sense, not even in the beginning. I have no idea what he saw in me, or why he wanted to stay. And by that video I just saw, I get the feeling that he saw me as a pinch hitter. And that’s not what I want…I want to be more than that to someone,” I explained.
“Annie, you’re not a five,” Brian said. “And he’s definitely not a ten.”
I smiled mirthlessly. Best friends always knew how to be encouraging or comforting. But, that’s not what I wanted right now.
“I just mean physically. Not personality or anything else. Purely physical, I am like a five. And he is definitely a ten. But, that’s alright.”
“Why is that alright?” Ben asked.
“Because I’m going to go make myself a ten physically with a fifteen personality. And then Ryan can eat shit and die.” I readjusted my ponytail, catching the hair falling out to secure it. “I’m not sure who I am anymore, but I know who I’m not. And maybe that’s a good start.”
They all glanced at each other for a moment, silently speaking.
“So, we’re going lingerie shopping?” Ben asked hopefully as he tossed the butt of his cigarette into a red plastic cup.
I shook my head. “I’m going lingerie shopping. I don’t know what you’re doing.”
“Why are you going lingerie shopping?” Brian asked.
I shrugged. “I want to see what the fuss is, why Ryan thought it was so important. Besides…”I grinned widely. “maybe it’s time for a little revenge.”
“You gotta let me come!” Ben howled.
I shook my head. “I’ll die of embarrassment. I’m sure of it.”
His hands gripped his hair as he growled in frustration.
“Thanks, guys, for everything. You’re the best,” I said, smiling before I made my way to the door.
“Hey, wait up!” I turned to find Brian next to me. “We’re still going comforter shopping, right?”
“Are you going to be okay with-” I bit my lower lip, unsure how to ask.
“Coming with you to a lingerie store?” he asked, smirking. “I’ll grin and bear it.”
I chuckled at him, but had the suddenly need to be out of that apartment immediately, like I would suffocate if I stayed in there a minute longer.
“Let’s go back to New Jersey and shower. We’re crazy sweaty,” Brian said. I nodded, and we walked out of the apartment towards the elevator down the hall.
Chapter Seven
As we drove away from Ben’s apartment building and towards New Jersey, Brian’s phone rang with instrumental music that I didn’t recognize.
“Can you pick that up?” he asked, “It’s Momma Bear.”
I grabbed the phone from his console, pressed the talk button, and then placed the phone on speaker.
“Hello, Mrs. Aschcroft,” I spoke into the phone.
“Is that my Annie?” she replied, her usual bubbly self.
“Yeah, I answered the phone because Brian’s driving,” I replied.
“Look at you being responsible. Isn’t she so responsible, Brian?”
Brian leaned over towards the phone in my hand, keeping his eyes on the road, “She is very responsible, mom.”
“So, Annie, what are you two up to?” his mom asked.
“I’m just going shopping for new bedding. Brian’s coming along for the ride.”
“Ooh, sprucing up the apartment a bit?” she asked. I always wondered how she was so perky.
“Yeah, something like that,” I replied, unable to admit the truth. It seemed Brian understood and he leaned over again and said, “Annie has decided to start casually dating.”
“Oh, really? Well, the easiest way to get over a guy is to get underneath another, Annie. Good for you,” Linda Aschcroft said.
I turned towards Brian whose face was distorted in disgust, and I whispered, “Casual dating doesn’t necessarily mean casual sex, right?” I was nervous that by announcing on Facebook that I was dating again, I had somehow inadvertently put out a calling card that I was open for business like a hooker.
Brian shook his head, and I sighed in relief. “TMI, mom,” he shouted into the phone. I felt suddenly embarrassed because why would Brian want to picture me sleeping with another guy? I didn’t want to picture most of my male friends hooking up with someone.
“What? I didn’t say anything wrong. Did I say anything wrong, Annie?” she asked me.
“I just don’t think Brian wants to picture me naked sleeping with some guy. The mental image might scar him. And I’m not into casual sex,” I admitted.
Brian instantly shook his head. “I don’t want to think about her naked. Because I know a story is coming.”
I couldn’t help but laugh at that. It was true; there was a high probability that a story about something Mrs. A did when she was young was just waiting to be told. The only thing more disgusting than picturing your friend doing it with someone was picturing your mom.
“So, Annie, you’re going to come and visit for Fourth of July weekend,” she told me.
I glanced at Brian, and he shrugged. “Do you want to come?” he mouthed the words.
“What about Chelsie?” I mouthed back.
“He’s not dating Chelsie anymore, dear, that was last month,” Mrs. A said as though hearing our conversation perfectly. “He was dating Kelsie.”
“We broke up,” Brian said into the speaker.
“Who’s Kelsie?” I asked him. He shrugged in response. “When did you break up?”
“Yesterday,” he replied before pulling into the parking lot of the mall.
“Really?” I felt like garbage now after crying and being upset yesterday and not even knowing he and Kelsie, whoever she was, had broken up.
“It was no big deal. We broke up over the phone. She was getting a little clingy,” he said.
“At this rate, I’ll never be a grandmother!” Brian’s mom wailed into the phone. “Annie, will you find a good girl for him?”
I coughed to hide my surprise. “I don’t think Brian needs any help finding women. But, if he wants I know a few women I could set him up with.”
Brian shook
his head. “I’m done dating for a while.”
I frowned. “I’m sorry. Were you getting attached to Kelsie?” I knew this didn’t make any sense, especially if he said she was too clingy, but what other reason was there for swearing off women?
He shook his head. “Not at all.” I could see the truth in his words. “I just want to take a break for a while. Besides, I’m hoping now we can hang out more.”
“Well, that’s a superb idea! You can keep Brian out of trouble,” Mrs. A said. I looked at the phone strangely. I didn’t need to keep Brian out of trouble; he was a really level-headed guy. Secondly, Brian and I together normally was where the trouble began.
“Do you want me to come?” I asked him.
He nodded his head before pulling into his apartment complex parking lot.
“I just have to see what’s going on with my parents first,” I said to Brian’s mom.
“Oh, they’re coming here,” she told me, “I invited your mom yesterday.”
I sighed. “I guess it’s settled then.”
My mom and Brian’s mom were friends. Our first year, the university had a parent visiting weekend. Since Brian and I both lived out of state, our parents came to visit us. Brian and I were already friends and since we lived four doors down from each other, our parents met. Somehow this turned into all of us going out to dinner together at Brian’s suggestion. And somehow that turned into our fathers talking about engines on boats (my dad’s a mechanic, Brian’s father was having trouble with his boat), and our moms gossiping about menopause and gardening. Brian and I were left to play pinball. Our moms traded phone numbers and email addresses, and my father wound up working on Brian’s father’s boat before the two took it out fishing.
“Good! Alright, you two have fun! Send me a pic of the new bedding!” she chirped before hanging up.
I looked at Brian, taking in his expression. “What’s going on?” I asked.
“What do you mean?” there was a slight defensiveness in his tone that nearly everyone else would have missed.
“The not dating anymore, breaking up with Kelsie…I think there’s more to it than you’re letting on,” I trailed off, waiting patiently as Brian cut the engine.
He looked away, staring out the dashboard at the clear sky from the top level of the parking lot.
“Have you ever just gotten sick of it?” he asked. I waited patiently for clarification. Brian finally turned towards me, “The game?” I shook my head to convey the message that I didn’t understand. If he was speaking about dating, then I really didn’t understand what he was talking about. I had only dated Ryan seriously. That was not enough experience to be bored. “I’m just tired of looking. I’d rather sit back for a while and relax.”
“Is that all that’s going on?” I asked still feeling like this wasn’t an explanation; it was a run around answer.
“It’s all that’s going on,” he reassured me.
I accepted his answer, stepping out of the car. He followed suit and after locking up the car, we walked through the parking lot and into the apartment complex.
We agreed that I’d go home to shower up, change, then come back. So, outside of my apartment, I looked for Chuck, who I found eating a pear. Glancing up, he saw me. “He’s been in and out all day on the phone, planning a party,” he said.
“For tonight?” I asked.
Chuck nodded his head. I sighed in annoyance, took out my wallet, and gave Chuck a twenty. “Keep me posted.”
He took the money, placing it in his jacket pocket. I had to let go of my annoyance, though. Unfortunately, it was Ryan’s apartment, too, and I knew he wouldn’t do anything stupid like trash our home.
After getting ready, I took a few personal things out of the apartment. Some important documents, some diamond jewelry Brian’s parents gave me for Christmas presents. It all fit into my pocketbook, and feeling a little more relieved, I walked out the door.
**
There’s one thing that I grew accustomed to a long time ago. When I went out with my male friends, it was understood that giggling girls would be involved. The two went together like rum and cola. It didn’t even faze me anymore. So, I paid no mind to the two giggling girls behind me as we walked around the home décor store.
“What do you think?” I asked, holding up two different bags of comforters.
“How important is this?” he asked.
I knew where he was going with his question. If the comforter itself wasn’t important, he’d say to buy the cheaper one.
“I’m making a statement.”
“Ooh.” He put down the back massager in his hand, and turned fully towards me. “Alright, now you have my undivided attention.” He squinted hard at the packages as though he was concentrating deeply. I couldn’t help but laugh. “What statement are you trying to make?”
“Fuck you, Ryan,” I answered instantaneously.
“Well, in that case…You have to go with the one on the right.” I didn’t even glance at the comforter he chose, simply placed the rejected one back on the shelf and threw the victor in our cart.
After picking up some new artwork and a few scented candles, I paid for my purchases, while Brian needed to lie down on every sample bed there to try them out. After I was done, I turned to him, motioning for us to go. He was on a sleigh bed with his legs crossed and his arms behind his head. He motioned for me to come over. I rolled my eyes, knowing I wouldn’t get him out of the store otherwise and walked over.
“Lie down.” I made sure he heard my loud, over-exaggerated sigh as I sat down. Laying there with my hands across my stomach, I turned to him asking, “What are we doing?”
“We’re making avant-garde art. Max invited you to the art theater, right? It’s much better to make art then view it.”
I bit back a smile, finally asking. “What is the purpose of this piece then?”
With his hands behind his head, he contemplated for a moment. “A commentary on the American man’s need to slow down occasionally and relax in bed with a beautiful woman.”
“Wow,” I said chuckling, “Sounds like your next television commercial.”
“That is a pretty good one,” he admitted, flashing me a gorgeous smile. “I’ll have to hold on to that one.”
He turned towards me, his eyes debating something. “Did you mean what you said to Ed on the soccer field?”
“Which part? I said a lot of crap.” I lay on my side, the same as him, and we now faced each other.
“Ryan never giving you an orgasm part,” he replied.
I blinked in surprise, not expecting that response. “I’m not sure.”
He opened his mouth to speak, but then closed it again.
Frowning, he finally asked, “How are you not sure?”
I shrugged. “Do you know how everyone always talks about orgasms being like fireworks, or seeing God, or like these crazy explosions?” Brian watched me intently, waiting for me to finish. I shrugged, frowning. “I don’t get it.”