Paranormal Mates Society: Chunkybuttfunky

by Dakota Cassidy

  “I can sense that.”

  “Sense it?”

  “Yeah. We have acute senses and my vampire instincts tell me you really do love her.” Pam shook her head again, obviously with disbelief.

  “I do. So let’s get going and get this over with.”

  “I really don’t have a choice, Collin. It should be Cady that does this, but right now, you couldn’t get her near you to save your life.”

  How ironic she should mention saving his life. Pam was looking regretful at this point and Collin wasn’t sure how to take that. He deserved anything but her remorse. “So let’s stop talking about it and do it.”

  “What the hell? Shouldn’t you be fighting me tooth and nail? I should have to drag you out of here, not skip out together hand in hand like we’re best friends.”

  “I told you, Pam. I deserve nothing less and I love Cady. If this is the only way to prove it to her, then so be it.”

  “You are one fucked up white boy, Collin Grayson, but you must love Cady to do this willingly. C’mon, we have some turning to do and then, I have an idea. It’s crazy and I shouldn’t even consider it, but I’m going to give you a hand here, big guy. Now let’s go.”

  “Can I ask you one question?”

  “Shoot, pardner.”

  “Do I have to sleep in a coffin?”

  Pam’s laughter rumbled from her chest as they crossed the bar’s dirty floor to the exit.

  * * *

  “This is CC for the Nocturnal Journals on B 105.5 on your FM dial and tonight’s topic is…” Cadence paused to take a breath and fight the sting of tears. Fuck that. She would not cry over the human. The human reporter… “Star-crossed lovers. People who should be together, but can’t for whatever reasons. Ya know, political, religious, ethnic. I wanna hear your views. The good and the oh so bad. Gimme a call, Milwaukee!”

  Cadence took another deep breath. It shuddered on its way out, ragged and depleted. She couldn’t believe the station had chosen this topic. Of all the topics they might have picked, this was not the one she felt much like addressing tonight.

  But she and Collin weren’t star-crossed, they weren’t anything. What they’d begun had begun as a lie. His just happened to be much bigger and with a far different ulterior motive than hers.

  Yeah, that’s right. Put the blame where blame belongs, Cadence. On the big, fat, lying white boy, human reporter. It’s not like you lied too, Ms. Wannabe Car Chaser… Ms. Bay at the Moon. Ms. Isn’t My Lustrous Coat Pantene Perfect?

  Fine.

  She’d lied. But she’d continued to lie because she’d fallen in love. Not because she wanted to expose shapeshifting werewolves in some seedy damned rag of a newspaper to the human population. Not because she wanted to make shifters look like freaks of nature and certainly not because she wanted to get the inside story.

  She’d been attracted to someone and she’d been foolish enough to believe she could pull off this werewolf thing. So she’d been wrong to go into something like this believing she could keep lying, but she hadn’t gone in looking to ruin anyone’s life.

  Collin had.

  Okay, maybe ruining someone’s life wasn’t what he’d set out to do, but surely he knew nothing good could come for the person he attacked in his expose. They’d never be left alone by the paparazzi. They’d be made to live like freaks, outcasts in society -- pointed at -- poked and prodded.

  It was fucking hard enough to keep her vampire origins to herself without raising suspicion, but a story like that could ruin her life. Her family’s lives. The paranormal really did exist and they’d do whatever they had to to keep people from knowing.

  Cadence would do her part to help.

  She’d fought long and hard to blend in with the rest of society for too many centuries to become a Jerry Springer sideshow freak.

  You have no one to blame but yourself, Cadence Cranston. No one. If trouble comes from this, it’s your fault. You were impetuous, impulsive, in-fucking-fatuated. Honestly, did you really think you could fool anyone into believing you were a werewolf, Cady?

  Question was, how the hell had Collin planned on doing something like that? At the very least she really was a shifter.

  The answer was he’d never planned to do that. He’d planned to get pictures of whomever the poor soul ended up being his scoop long before he had to reveal any such animal.

  Fucktard.

  Never once had it occurred to her that anyone on the site could be a fake. How he’d gotten past that long list of Nazi-like questions from Paranormal Mates was beyond her.

  You could be whoever you wanted to be on the Internet.

  Collin was living proof.

  You could also get your heart broken.

  Cadence was living proof.

  No more Internet rendezvous. No more dating for awhile, period. Men were no longer on Cadence’s diet plan. They were high in heart calories and low in friggen’ poundage loss.

  Her switchboard was lit up like a proverbial Christmas tree and one of the night staff was frantically waving his hands and a big sign on posterboard that said, “Take the caller on line thirteen. It’ll kill you.”

  Ugh, if he only knew. Cadence pressed the button for line thirteen and put on her happy face. “This is CC, your lifeline to the nighttime. Talk to me, night dweller! Have you had a lover you’ve lost due to circumstance? The one and only person in the world that’s perfect for you?”

  There was a long pause on the other end. Normally, Cadence would prompt the caller with another question, but she was distracted and losing her will to focus. She rubbed her thumb and forefinger over the bridge of her nose.

  “Um… yeah, I did, er, I mean, I have lost a lover to circumstance.”

  Her head whipped up from its hanging position and her throat clogged. No way. It couldn’t be. He wouldn’t.

  Oh, but he would.

  “Did you hear me, CC? I said I lost a lover to circumstance and I regret that that circumstance was lying to her from the beginning of the relationship. I pretended to be something I’m not.”

  Cadence remained silent. She had no words and somewhere in her haze of disbelief, she knew she needed to speak up, but she couldn’t. All of her thoughts were stuck in her throat and her hands couldn’t connect quickly enough with her brain to press the button that would end the call.

  “CC? I screwed up. I mean I really screwed up. I was involved with this woman for the wrong reasons to begin with and all of a sudden they became the right reasons. I didn’t know when I first met her I’d fall in love,” the caller continued.

  Love?

  Yes, love.

  He’d said love.

  Yep.

  The lying son of a bitch.

  No, I think he means it.

  Still, words escaped her, sitting in her darkened studio.

  But he plodded on. “So I kept on lying and it was wrong, but I didn’t want to lose her. We had a lot in common. There isn’t anyone I like talking to more than her. She’s smart and funny and sexy. Everything a guy could ask for. Yet, I managed to do that, er, lose her and she has every reason to hate my guts, but I want her to know, here on live radio, that I never would have lied if things in my life hadn’t been the way they were. I’m a man, I do stupid stuff, and this time, I did something that was so stupid, it cost me my life, but I don’t care. I’d do it all again. Are you there, CC?”

  Whoa, whoa, whoa. His life? Cadence’s antennae went up and finally, she was able to speak. “Your life?”

  “There you are.” Collin’s voice was warm. “Yeah, or my life as I knew it, if you know what I mean.”

  No, she didn’t know what he meant, but she had a funny feeling.

  “So, what should I do, CC? What would you do if you were me? How do you make something like that up to someone?”

  Cadence keyed the microphone. “We’ll be right back to ponder this crisis -- after this Public Service Announcement, brought to you by the United States Marine Corps.”

  H
er cell phone rang just as she was struggling to concoct some kind of answer. “Hello?”

  “Cady?”

  It was Pam. “Yeah?”

  “You okay?”

  “Well, no. No, I’m not okay. Why do you ask?”

  “Listen to me. Come outside to the parking lot.”

  “Pam, what the hell is going on?”

  “Just come down to the parking lot.” Pam hung up with a click.

  Cadence sat astonished for only a moment before she quickly spoke to her audience. “I’ll be right back with more Nocturnal Journals. I’m gonna have to give our caller’s dilemma some thought. It’s break time for me. While I’m gone, give a listen to Iron Butterfly with Inagodadavida.”

  Seventeen minutes. She raced out of the studio door and down the back stairs of the station toward the parking lot. She threw the heavy door open and it crashed against the wall as she burst out of it.

  Pam and Collin were there, leaning against his crappy car, waiting for her, side by side, each smirking.

  Approaching them, Cadence squawked, “What are you doing with him, Pam? What the hell kind of friend are you anyway?”

  “The kind that knows what’s good for you.”

  “How can he possibly be good for me? He’s a liar, Pam!”

  “And you’re Mother Teresa?”

  Jesus effin’. How could she possibly defend him? “You’re joking, right?”

  “Look, Cady, I’m not going to defend either of you. One lie was just as bad as the next, but it can be fixed. It’s already sorta fixed. Show her, Collin.”

  Collin, long and lean, muscled and sexy as hell, opened his mouth and smiled.

  No fucking way.

  Her jaw dropped open. “Wha-what have you done?” she screeched.

  Pam crossed her arms over her chest. “I did the only thing I could do, Cady. He went willingly enough because he really does love you.”

  “What kind of drugs are you mainlining today, Pam? He was going to ruin our lives! Do you hear me? He would have exposed us for the vamps we are and fucked us forever!” Cadence slapped her hands on her thighs in exasperation.

  “Well, he can’t do that anymore, now can he? He’d be fucking himself too in the process.”

  Collin’s newly acquired incisors gleamed in the dark of the evening, but he remained silent.

  “Look, Cady. He was willing to do whatever it took to prove to you that he loved you. I would have turned him whether he was willing or not, but he went like an innocent lamb to slaughter. In the turning process, we spent some time together and I don’t care what you say, I believe him when he says he loves you. So make nice and figure this out.”

  Cadence rolled her eyes in disbelief. Rooted to the parking lot, she could do nothing more than stare at them in disbelief.

  “It’s true, Cadence,” Collin spoke up for the first time. “I do love you. I was going to tell you that night, but I realize now you wouldn’t have believed me. What I set out to do was wrong. The point is, I didn’t do it. I realized after our first night together I just didn’t have it in me to hurt someone, especially you. I’ll admit, I wanted payback for losing my career and I got all caught up in the werewolf thing, but not as caught up as I got in you.” Collin smiled then, letting his fangs sparkle under the streetlamps.

  “Okay, you two,” Pam said. “I have a date with my Larry. I can’t hang around all night and play host to the Dating Game. Work out all of your stuff and call me when you do. We’ll do blood shots or something. Double date or whatever.”

  Pam turned to go to her car, but stopped midway. “Oh, and, Cady? Don’t worry about any of this ever getting to that rag Collin worked for. We fixed that, didn’t we, Collin?” she said with a husky giggle. “I did that Vulcan mind-meld thing on his boss for the first time, Cady. Guuurl, I tell you, it was a hoot. Ronald never knew what hit him. Doesn’t remember a thing. Bye, guys.” Pam sauntered off to her car, starting it with a rumble, and became a small pinpoint of nothing as the night swallowed her up.

  “Vulcan mind-meld?” Cady finally asked, refusing to look at Collin.

  He moved forward and tipped her chin up to make her look at him. “Yeah, you know, the whole suck his memory out of him. It was pretty screwed up when he couldn’t remember who I was before we left.”

  Cadence pulled her chin from his grip. “So he doesn’t remember the scoop of the century?”

  “No, Cadence. He doesn’t remember anything.”

  “I guess I’m supposed to feel better about that?”

  “Well, yeah. I’d like to think it would ease your mind.”

  “Collin?”

  “Cadence?”

  “Are you fricken’ crazy? Why did you let Pam do this?”

  “My choices were kinda limited, babe. I had to prove to you that I wouldn’t hurt you or your family. This was the best way.”

  “But you have no idea what it is to be a vampire.”

  “Well, I was hoping you’d teach me the finer points.”

  “Wow, that is hopeful, huh?”

  Collin chuckled. “You know you like me.”

  “Yeah, I love liars.”

  “I don’t want to throw stones here, honey, but you lied too…”

  “Yes, yes I did, but I didn’t do it for the reasons you did.”

  “Nope, you’re right. You did it because you way like me.”

  “I don’t know how much I like you anymore…”

  “Yes, you do, Cady, but I understand your hesitance.”

  “Shouldn’t I be hesitant?”

  “Yeah, you should, but I’m willing to try and make this right. I’m just waiting on you.”

  “We started off all wrong, Collin. How will we ever know if either of us is telling the truth?”

  “Because I can read your mind and now you can read mine too. I think we’d catch each other.”

  Well, there was that. “I don’t know what to say.”

  “How about we don’t say anything? We’ll just start over.” He paused and then stuck out his hand to her with that cocky grin. “Cadence Cranston, I’m Collin Grayson. A once well respected reporter who’s pretty crazy about you. Wanna have coff -- er, a pint of blood together and get to know each other?”

  Cadence could no longer contain her amusement. She threw her head back and laughed before taking his hand. “It’s nice to meet you, Collin. I’m a vampire. Not a werewolf like I once led you to believe.”

  Collin pulled her to him and planted a kiss on her lips. “So, ya wanna hang out, you non-lupine?”

  “Okay, fine,” she mocked disinterest. “But there will be no funny stuff, mister.”

  “Oh, fine. I’ll have to woo you some other way, then.”

  Cadence laughed again and put her arms around his neck. “You know, there is one thing you might be able to do that might help you in the wooing process.”

  “Really? I’m all ears,” he teased, gathering her close to his side while she pulled him in the direction of the studio.

  When Cadence finally addressed her audience again, she smiled in Collin’s direction with a sly grin. “Well, my nighttime dwellers, I think I’ve come up with a solution to our caller’s dilemma and you know what? I’m not gonna tell ya what happens till next week.” She gave a smug chuckle. “This is CC, for the Nocturnal Journals, signing off for now. Gooood niiiight Milwaukee...”

  She had one more request. “Yeah, I loooove Charlie Gibson. You know, the guy from Good Morning America? You know him? I mean, like personally? Cuz he is beyond hot. I mean, when I see him on TV, I melt. Literally, I do. If I had a heart, it’d flutter for Charlie. Do ya think you could hook us up? Have you ever seen him in that black suit with the red tie? Oh, my God, he’s so smokin’. I get all atwitter…”

  Collin kissed her moving lips, pulling open the studio door, his hearty laughter echoing in the stairwell.

  Epilogue

  Cadence kissed Collin square on the mouth and giggled. They were sitting on his beat up old couch, prep
aring to leave Paranormal Mates Society’s online dating service.

  They’d spent a lot of time together since that night in the parking lot, working things out, figuring out where Collin could go with his career in such bad shape.

  Where they would go as a couple.

  Little by little, things had begun to fall into place for them and Collin now had a good job at a local newspaper. He wouldn’t get rich, but it was honest work and he was happy to have a reason to get up each day.

  Happier still that he didn’t have to sleep in a coffin.

  Two nights ago and six months since they’d met, with a full moon shining overhead, Collin had popped the question and Cadence had accepted with complete confidence.

  “Look, honey, they want to know why we’re leaving the site,” Cadence said, looking at the exit form on Collin’s laptop screen.

  Choose one of the following reasons for leaving Paranormal Mates Society:

  ____ Too expensive.

  ____ I’m taking a break from dating right now.

  __X_ Found my lifemate! Please share your story with us in the box below.

  “Well, you’re the writer. Tell them why we’re leaving -- and hurry up about it, stud. It’s time to make some noise.” Cadence flashed him with her cute new nightie and a wicked grin.

  Collin smirked at her and began to type.

  Thanks to Paranormal Mates Society, I found the woman of my dreams. It was rather by mistake. Well, actually, it was on purpose, but by mistake. Sort of. Either way, I’m really glad it happened. Our story began…

  The End

  Dakota Cassidy

  “Hello… Dakota Cassidy here.”

  “Dakota, I’m still waiting on that updated bio.”

  “I’m sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now. I’m… still busy.”

  “Damn it all to hell, Dakota, I know you’re there. You don’t sound like an answering machine.”

  “I’m currently busy doing research.”

  “Dakota!”

  “Leave a message, and maybe I’ll get back to you… once I’m done.”