Diary Of An Occult Resolution Assistant

by Chris Norgate

  "But the woods." I tried to steer his thoughts back. "What do you think happened there?"

  "Me? Nothing. Things happen, animals live there, some of them are really nasty when hungry. Did you know a pig has easily enough strength in its jaw to bite through a man's leg? Stories say they were used to get rid of bodies after murders; and a fox will merrily kill a whole coop full of hens if it gets in but only takes one or two for food."

  "So large animals usually turn up inside out away from their homes?"

  "Not so much, but it happens. And the papers love a good countryside mauling to remind the urbanites how backwards it is out here and how lucky they are the closest they get to wildlife is a kebab on a Friday."

  "Where about does this happen? And how did anyone find out? It's not like it's happened on the village green."

  Jed considered this and shrugged before he answered. "There's a bend in the river and a couple of things have been found there; but allsorts collect there in the weeds around the bend just like scum in a sieve so anything could fall in and drown and be nibbled by the pike before scaring some poor dog walker half to death; the sheep have been found out in the scrub land by the woods and the bottom fields where they graze. It’s not hard to find, still some police tape hanging from the trees around it and the local boys hangout there as they say it’s cool."

  I narrowed down the locations making a mental note of how far the bend was from the fields.

  "If I were to ask about witches, would you run away from me?" it was a stab, I asked without even thinking about it.

  "Ha." Jed laughed straight at me. "You mean those crazy bitches that flock around Mary? They aren't witches just silly girls turned by someone who fills their heads with feminist crap and tells them they can do what they want and go where they like."

  From the change to his tone I picked up a slight anti Mary vibe. It was as subtle as an elephant in an anthill.

  "That bitch" he continued and I inserted Mary's name into the second pause after the swear. "She changes people, takes nice girls and makes them so stuck up it’s like their heads are up their arses."

  "Do you know any of them? The girls I mean,"

  "Yeah, we know all the local girls. I dated a few of them and now they won't have anything to do with us."

  Well, a little education can't be a bad thing I guess and I don't really blame them.

  "What's more, she takes them away from their families and packs them off to

  disappear into nowhere."

  I lost track of the continuation of Jed's speech. Echoes of conversations past swirled into the fog of my mind and I was at an initial loss as to how to process it. Mary obviously has a lot of influence over her clique, but is funding them in their education a bad thing? From a local lad’s point of view as the potential pool of lifetime, or temporary, partners was rapidly being flushed away it must be a devastating and traumatic experience. On the other hand, I had a couple of areas to focus some time on tomorrow if I could find them and that'll have to do unless I get anything else tonight.

  A fresh pint was put in front of Jed and a half was slopped down by me. I thanked the farmhand/waiter and felt like saying multiple glasses should be carried on a tray and not by dipping fingers in the top - especially as they had been working on a farm all day with, from my limited experience based on vet shows, their arms up a cow's bum; but thought better of it.

  Timing is everything, especially in comedy and escaping fertility, and as if by Universal coincidence the doors to The Jolly Reaper were opened wide and slow like a gaping yawn and into the public house walked a collection of girls and at their heels entering like a Queen being escorted by her ladies in waiting, flowed Mary. The air froze. Two groups of hunters at a drying waterhole eyeing each other up for threat levels and dominance with the pack spreading out to cover ground and out flank whilst the alpha's stood strong not giving an inch. It then dissolved into the background and I started to breathe again. And although icy stares continued from some of the girls, others were smiling sideways in attempts to hide them but the boys were far less talented at concealing their emotions, unless flexing muscles and cupping their unmentionables constitutes playing hard to get.

  Arn, keen to lift the chill started enquiring about refreshments required from his new patrons and alcohol started to pour. Two distinct groups formed, the guys pulling back to dominate the bar with Jed in their centre and the girls floating in, moving two tables closer together to facilitate their number and flowed together where Mary could hold court.

  From my seat and without moving I left the company of the men and osmosed into that of the girls.

  Mary chucked string, fluff and assorted junk from her pockets and once a glass of deep red crimson wine had been placed onto the table she seemed to shine. Her age and experience was evident but she was filled with the beauty of youth and did not look out of place surrounded by the girls over half her years. The atmosphere lifted too, and everyone in the bar started to chat jovially and any ill winds were dissolved into the warmth of friendship and alcohol.

  I had a long list of questions for Mary, but they were fading quickly being replaced with the need to fit in and follow the crowd and be one of the girls. They were chatting, mostly about the day’s activity and work stresses. I saw Gemma who smiled at me and mouthed a hello silently across the group. She was sat next to a very nervous looking girl, younger by at least a couple of years who was timid in the group and not expanding her personal space like the others.

  Mary flirted outrageously with all the young men, inviting them in with body language designed to entice and comments of strength and girth over their developing bodies. In the group she focused her narrative to how depressing it was that men only wanted one thing from her and her girls and couldn't be trusted. She put of a soft voice when the men were close, giving cuddles and bum slaps and being rewarded with drinks and compliments; all the time using this as examples of the patheticness of boys everywhere. The girls laughed and agreed using stories and examples of their own over how individual boys would try and impress them with stunts and shows of strength, or simply removing their shirts and flexing their muscles. Mary laughed and when a new drink was placed by her she rubbed the jeaned leg of Jed who set it down in a way that was far too close and familiar for gentile women. Jed showed no signs of complaint.

  "See, " she said after Jed moved away, "they are like dogs performing tricks for a pat on the head and a brisk stroke."

  The girls laughed and then Mary began to speak again, her voice carried over the conversation and drew a hush to her group.

  "Well done Ana, you have become more than just a sister to us but you have become my daughter."

  A round of applause spread around the group, eight pairs of hands beat together and the shy girl blushed strongly.

  "And now I have a special announcement, I have found the money to extend your education and for you to stay with our sisters in London to grow your skills and fulfil your true potential." Mary drew out of a small black bag an envelope and handed it to the girl desperately trying to shrink into her chair, she took it reluctantly,

  "But...I....I d..don't k..k..know how to t...t...t...t..thank you M...m..mmmm Mary.

  I'd l...l.lllove ttttto..." she stammered. "but M...m...mmmum will n...n...n..never let m...m..mmmm..me go." Ana looked pained at the thought of leaving her family, or distressed over telling them she wanted to go.

  "Nonsense child. You have untold potential and it must be drawn out for the benefit of us all. You'll go in the morning. And you're mother will be proud you are going to be making something of yourself," Mary said . "you can't stay here, marry one of the local boys and have children like every other pathetic stay-home. There is a huge and wonderful world out there for you to explore, so big no-one wants to come back to this dump and I know you'll be the same."

  "My Mum won't l...l...like it." replied the girl.

  Gemma stepped into the conversation. "We have letters from the others Mary has
paid for to leave and not a single one wants to return to this small backwater of a village; not one wants to be reminded of the limitations everyone sets themselves here. I can't wait till it’s my turn to leave and study and see London and the world through the eyes of a powerful woman, not a girl from the dark ages."

  "You know you are needed here," said Mary laying an arm on her right hand girl. "one day your time will come and we can spare you to expand your horizons, but for now you provide a valuable resource to saving these girls from stagnation and early motherhood and a cessation of their dreams and energies."

  More drinks were requested and they flowed back to the table by the girls on the outside of the group. Once a fresh glass filled with wine was in her hand Mary continued. "Your Mum just wants you to stay here and stagnate, she wouldn't let you go to college, she wouldn't let you take that job and I for one will not stand by and see you walked over like that. You'll go tomorrow. Gemma has said she'll drive you to the station and see you safely on the train."

  Mary rearranged the stuff on the table, pulling the string like this and lifting a pencil stub like that; a pattern formed but from where I was it was just crossing lines with blobs of old tissue and what I thought was a lanyard strap with the ID card missing. A cup hook crossed a nail in the centre. More alcohol was deposited at the table and to my surprise one of the girl; the one who visited the bar, left one in front of me too.

  Laughter started, cuddles were given to Ana and plans were made for a reunion real soon and Ana slipped into a good mood and shined at the thought of leaving the village.

  "But, when Ana leaves us, abet temporarily,” said Mary patting Ana’s arm “To become the powerful woman she will be, we will need another to make our Akelarre. We must find another and I believe there is another in our midst who can fulfil all our needs."

  I knew I was being talked about and this was confirmed by the way chairs were moved back and suddenly I was enveloped into the group now of ten. I was very aware of nine pairs of eyes focused sharply on me. I felt I had to say something, not a speech but I felt I had to entertain my audience. Do I come out strong, command the group and fall in as an elder as befitting my age compared to theirs or play the shy new girl and sound each of them out.....or, what the Xanthic in Hell is going on? I have a job, a friend - well a boss, and a Boss. I hate these things, people are not my easiest option and I think this is why I've ended up living with a Demon and running around for all the Weird and Wonderful that share our world - or us in theirs.

  Mary shone, I looked upon her and felt warm and loved. This group, her Akelarre was all I needed and it needed me. I must have said something because another round of applause filled The Jolly Reaper and I had arms flung around me and suffocation under their weight and enthusiasm was beginning to become a real threat. More drinks came, where they went I do not know but my glass always seemed to be empty.

  "Tonight will be a double celebration; it will be Ana's last Akelarre and Valentine's first. After the break of the time we will welcome her into the Sisters' at the Hollow."

  "Don't worry, we'll show you" said a voice to my left which was good as after a few small pints of the local apple I doubted I could find the front doors.

  Wow, that drink was strong, my head weighed a ton but could still float off amongst the clouds. There must have been a thick fog drifting within my skull because thoughts could not get through and my eyes took in everything but I understood nothing.

  "Toilet." I said, I didn't know why but I needed to stand up and get away and at least the toilets give a handy receptacle in case the cider decided to make a dramatic reappearance.

  There were a few paces to stagger to before there was a handy wall to help keep me upright, and luckily the guys, those nice helpful guys, were there to help me if the wall decided to lay down with me on top of it. I almost got there too, if it wasn't for the floor that wiggled and jiggled so much and tripped me; damn that floor!

  "Why all the celebrations?" asked a pair of hands which were round my waist, where my waist was was anybody's guess.

  "Ana, going to London. Very happy." I said through a fug to wherever the hands came from.

  "Ana?" the wall cushioned my fall when the hands detached themselves and a figure stalked away and then the voice continued very loudly.

  "What do you think you are doing girl?"

  "Girl!" came Mary's voice as I rounded the corner heading to the toilets.

  "Aye, Girl, she's my sister and I'll call her what I like. Does Mum know you're going? Because you're not, not while I'm here to stop you."

  There was blessed peace in front of me as I dragged myself down the wall of the corridor, blessed because there seemed to be very little of it behind me. Raised voices and shouts stabbed through the air, calls of 'sexist' and 'bitch' vied for space in my ears with 'F'ing witch' and 'Mulish pig'. A table sounded like it was having the same problem as me and was finding it hard to stay upright on the floor and screams indicated the girls were having the upper hand in it all.

  I found a picture of a person on the door, it had two legs, two arms and a circle for its head. To be honest it was lucky it was a picture as I couldn't make out the word under it. The door swung easily and so did the door just behind it. It was cool in here and the two closed doors did a lot to knock out the bangs and bellows of the bar. I needed a wee, not normally a hard operation to accomplish but with a fuzzy head full of fermented fruit it was surprisingly hard to remove the necessary clothes in the correct order; it was even harder to try and squat over the wall mounted toilet bowls, there wasn't even cubicle walls to hold onto to keep upright. Ah, there they are, I thought and wondered why my legs wouldn't work until I looked down and saw my knickers stretched between my knees. Thankfully the bottomless saddle wasn't far away and I led against the inside of the cubicle door once I manoeuvred myself in.

  My bum is not exactly small, but it would not find its destination without a few false starts.

  With my head as close to my lap as I could and with a time to myself I could feel humanity trying to re-assert itself over me and I groaned wondering how I end up in these situations. The situation became a Situation. Two drunk voices barged into the toilets and they weren't as feminine as I was led to believe this room should contain.

  "Those fucking bitches trying to take my sis away, well they won't get away with it."

  Big brother I guessed sounded very emotional, not angry but as close to tears as a man can be in front of his mates.

  ''We'll screw them over tonight mate. I know where they go to do these girly power things. Dave said it was like yoga for saddo Goths with karaoke. We'll ruin their fun and scare the crap out of them and then you can drag Ana back to your Mum who'll know how to keep her from wandering.''

  I listened from the door trying not to breathe as two men argued about my new friends and threats against some of them and comments about the bodies of others made me feel very uncomfortable and not because I was sat with my knickers around my ankles and heels in a suspicious puddle in a gents toilet.

  The walls were being kicked, I could see this through the bottom of the door as I leant forward trying to be observant, quiet and keep my hair out of the stale smelling puddle and then one swore as his foot turned after a miss aimed kick. Their anger then turned to the softer targets and cubical doors were knocked from their hinges.

  Sobriety can come slowly and painfully or explosively fast due to necessity and in this case the alcohol fell out of me quicker than a dead squirrel from a tree. Real screams were coming from the bar, both male and female voices raised together and this seemed to spur the men on. No way out, and a thin cardboards door between them and me. Would they hurt me? Probably not, but do I really want to be caught in the male toilets and Mary will probably want to know about their plans. Poor Ana, caught between the her future and her past. Shit, side tracked again, focus. Look around, way out now a priority.

  I saw a window doing its best to illuminate the cubical, it would fai
r better in its task if it wasn't caked in grime and festooned with spider webs that were 10% web 60% dirt and dust and the remainder was the final resting place of hundreds of dry husks of flies. I tried to stand on the bowl of the toilet, remembered my descended under garments and tried again. I slipped and swore before I could catch myself.

  "Who's in there?" came a gruff voice. "You one of those bitches?" He banged on the thin laminated door and the force shook the whole row of cubicles.

  I redoubled my efforts and got the window open and pushed my arms through the narrow opening. I reached through and used my bent elbows as leverage to pull my body up to the sill and balanced with my breasts squeezed tighter than I'd like on the cracked ancient wooden ledge. Behind me the door was being pulled and I heard someone jumping at the door.

  "Its that Londoner lass." the voice stated. "She must be giving them ideas of the big city."

  "Well don't fucking let her take Ana." came the reply both shouted a lot louder than necessary in this enclosed space.

  I got my head through and wiggled, bringing knees up to the cistern and pushing hard to get my shoulders through the restrictive hole. The frame was rigid and paint chipped as I tried to squeeze through with old wounds politely informing me they were still recuperating and hurt like hell, but I had to ignore them.

  A splintering sound told me the door had been removed in full or part from its housing and I had seconds to go before the two men were in the cubicle with me and my hips were still not through the window.

  It's so pretty, I thought in a fraction of a second as I looked up at the colours filling the sky high above me glowing and dancing through each other as the sun slowly descended below the horizon.

  A kick into the void behind me was fruitless and I almost slipped back into the toilet, a second kick connected with something hard that was pushed back. I didn't have time to acknowledge what it was or why the air was now filled with swears and bad language but it generated enough force to get my hips through the hole. I placed my hands on the wall to give a big push and prepared to land head first into a flowerbed. My view was limited to an upside down moss covered brown brick wall.