Finding Purgatory

by Kristina M Sanchez

  But if Raphe wanted to take the little monster, fine. She wasn’t going to argue. She wasn’t going to stick around either to watch it all go to hell. The baby was already a pain in the ass, or spleen or kidney or whatever it was she kicked the hell out of all day.

  With that thought, Tori gasped and dropped one hand from the steering wheel to her belly.

  Oh, no.

  A finger of fear hit her at the base of her spine and twisted.

  The baby wasn’t moving. Had she moved at all today? She was an active baby. Tori had often thought the thing was trying to make sure she wasn’t forgotten. She thought back through the morning and couldn’t remember wincing at a kick or thinking how creepy it was to feel something moving around inside her.

  How long had it been since she moved?

  “Oh, no. No, no, no, no.” She glanced up and down rapidly between the freeway and her huge, still bump. She felt around the swell, pressing her fingers into her skin, trying to poke the kid. “Come on.” She jiggled a little. “Come on.”

  Tori’s thoughts went stark white with terror. Since the baby had started moving all those weeks ago at the cemetery, she’d hated the feeling. It was just one more thing to endure, and it wasn’t as wondrous as Raphe claimed. Only a week ago, he’d waggled his eyebrows at her as he pulled her shirt up above her stomach and watched with wide-eyed fascination as her skin rippled with the baby’s movements.

  What had she done?

  “Move,” she begged. “Please move.”

  The baby was still.

  The pound of her heart was loud in her ears as a dreadful certainty settled over her. She’d always known she was going to fuck this up, but this?

  Tori had always thought people who got on their cell phones while they were driving were morons, but she found herself fumbling through the purse beside her, blinking away tears so she could keep her eyes on the road. She wasn’t thinking, not really. Only muscle memory and pure need kept her moving. She could drive only because she’d been driving when the thought struck her, and she needed Raphe.

  “Damn thing. Fuck.” Because she’d been ignoring everyone for three days, her phone was off. Just one more button to push and her hands were shaking so hard, she wouldn’t have noticed if an earthquake hit.

  Five minutes passed by like an hour before she could dial his number.

  He answered on the first ring. “Tor?”

  “I’m sorry. Shit, I’m so sorry. You can’t hate me. I need you not to hate me. Oh God, what did I do? I’m sorry. I know I complain all the time. I know I say how much I hate this, but I didn’t want this. I swear I didn’t want this. I swear.”

  Some part of her knew she wasn’t making any sense. She also knew Raphe was speaking to her. It took forever for her to parse the noises she heard into real words.

  “Chiquita, please breathe. I can’t understand you, honey. You have to calm down and tell me what’s wrong so I can help you.”

  She sniffled, trying to get a hold of herself. “The baby hasn’t moved. She hasn’t moved all day.”

  There was a pause on the other end of the phone. “Are you hurt?”

  “No. No. I’m fine. The baby. The baby.” She couldn’t say it again. It hurt too much.

  “Tori, are you driving?”

  He sounded angry. “Please don’t hate me.”

  “I don’t hate you. I’m never going to hate you. Please. I know you’re upset, and you can’t drive like that. Please pull over. Tell me where you are, and I’ll come get you.”

  “No,” she said, finding just enough calm to feel she was safe to drive. “No. I’m five minutes from your house. I swear I was already coming to see you. I was going to go straight there.”

  “Then come straight here, but please get off the phone. It’s going to be okay. I promise it’s going to be okay. Just get here.”

  She wanted to scream at him because it wasn’t okay. It couldn’t be okay. But she wanted to believe him just as much. “Okay. I’m going to hang up.”

  “Okay.”

  She spent the rest of the drive with an arm wrapped around her stomach, occasionally prodding the baby girl, trying to get her to move. She bit her lower lip, trying to keep it from trembling. If she started crying again, she wasn’t going to be able to see, and she was so close to Raphe.

  He was already out on the street. Tori only barely had the presence of mind left to pull into his driveway, slanted, and throw the car into park. By that time, Raphe was already at her side, opening her door and pulling her out. She wouldn’t have been surprised if he hit her for what she’d done, but he didn’t, of course. He pulled her tight against him, one arm around her waist and the other below hers on her belly.

  “I haven’t felt her at all this morning,” Tori said, turning her head so her lips were against his neck. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want this.”

  “Shhh. Come on.” He led her toward the house. “I have some juice for you.”

  “I killed my baby, and you want me to have juice?”

  “I know you’re scared, but you’re fine. The baby’s fine. I’ll show you. Just trust me.”

  Trust him. She wanted to. If he thought juice would make it all better, she wanted to believe him.

  Raphe led her into the kitchen and gave her a tall glass of orange juice. He wrapped both her hands around it, holding them with his until he was sure she was steady enough. “Drink all of it.”

  Tori grimaced. The idea of swallowing anything, let alone a whole glass of orange juice, made her nauseous. She did it anyway.

  “Good girl,” he murmured. He extended a hand to her and pulled her to her feet, leading her to his room. “Lie down on your left side.”

  She did as she was told and didn’t protest when he lay down behind her. He wrapped her tight in his arms, his hands splayed below hers so every part of her belly was covered by one of them. For all his tone was calm and soothing, the beat of his heart against her back was fast. He wasn’t as sure about whatever he was doing as she wanted him to be.

  But he didn’t let her dwell on it. He talked to her instead about how worried everyone had been, about how they’d all gathered at Ani’s house. It was lucky, he said, that she’d caught him at home. He was usually there.

  “I’m sorry,” she whispered.

  His breath was hot on the top of her head. “You said you weren’t going to scare me like this, Tor.”

  “I know.” Not calling or texting to let him know she was fine was the least of the wrong she’d done him.

  “Will you tell me the truth now?” His hands pressed gently against her bump. “She’s my baby.”

  It wasn’t a question.

  Tori’s eyes filled with tears, and her throat tightened to the point she couldn’t speak. She nodded instead, her shoulders shaking with quiet sobs. She felt his body go rigid.

  “I was coming to tell you. I swear I was,” she said, nervous that he hadn’t said a word. “Raphe, I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t worry about that right now.”

  “But you have to believe me, I—Oh.” Tori laughed. She couldn’t help it. She was giddy with relief. “She’s moving. She’s okay.” She took his hand and moved it to where she felt the baby squirming.

  He exhaled in a gust, but then he laughed, too, moving both of palms against her. “See? She was just napping. Now she’s got a good sugar rush going.”

  They were both quiet for another minute, feeling the baby move beneath their hands. Relief gave way to something heavier. She swallowed hard, remembering why she’d been on her way to his house in the first place.

  With a little wiggling, she got Raphe to loosen his grip so she could turn to face him. He looked terrible. There were bags under his eyes. His hair stuck up in every direction like he’d been running his fingers through it. Tori looked down so she wouldn’t have to face his anger. She played with his shirt instead.

  “Not yet,” he said when she opened her mouth to
speak. He lifted a hand and pushed the hair out of her eyes. “You look tired.”

  “So do you.”

  He sighed. “I am tired.” He studied her with a conflicted look but tugged on her sleeve. “Come here.”

  She snuggled close against him, so grateful he could still stand to touch her, she could have cried. Again. She’d been an emo mess the last few days, but this was the worst.

  But just then, Tori let everything fade away, too tired to do anything but close her eyes. She rested her head on Raphe’s chest, smiling when she felt his hand on her back. He moved his other hand to her belly. She rested her hand over his, over their baby, and let him hold them both.

  Chapter 26: The Way Things Are

  Tori’s peace didn’t last very long. It couldn’t. She opened her eyes to the low light of the setting sun out the window. She blinked away sleep until sensation registered with coherent thought.

  Raphe had his hand up under her shirt, pressed firm against her stomach.

  Something wasn’t right.

  “Raphe?” Her voice was scratchy but loud in the quiet room. “Are you okay? You’re kind of shaking.”

  He chuffed. “I found out I was going to be a father an hour ago. At first, when I saw your due date, I did the math, and I thought I wasn’t. But then I was on all those baby websites. I put the date in, and what do you know, we were together the date it said. Well, you know. The window. You kept saying I wasn’t, but I always kind of figured you were full of it.”

  Tori stiffened and waited for him to stop babbling and get to business.

  “I’m not going to let your sister adopt her.”

  Tori closed her eyes.

  “Of course, you knew that.” He rolled to the side, away from her, and sat up. “That’s why you lied to me.”

  She didn’t answer. He could probably fill in the gaps himself.

  “Explain this to me, because I really don’t get it. You don’t want the baby—fine. I can respect that. But why not tell me? You think I’m going to go after you for child support?”

  Tori sat up. It said a lot that he didn’t move to help her. Defensiveness won out over the myriad of emotions warring in her head, and she crossed her arms. “Don’t sit here and try to tell me your life would be great with a kid. You hardly have time to breathe as it is.”

  “She’s my kid.” He thumped his hand flat against his chest. Tori could tell he was trying to keep his temper. “You don’t get to make this decision for me.”

  “Don’t do this. Let Ani take the baby.”

  He smacked the mattress. “Dammit.” He stood and walked a few steps away to stand with his hands on his hips. “I don’t understand you. In December, when you hated her, it was me you came to.”

  Tori turned away from him.

  He sighed. “She abandoned you. You’ve hated her all your life for it, but you’ll trust our baby with her and not me.”

  “She’s better for the baby than you or I could be. I can’t be someone’s mother. And you . . .” Her eyes darted to his wrists, and she snapped her mouth shut.

  He stared, his eyes narrowed before they went wide with realization. “You think I’m going to do it again.”

  Tori stared down, her hands cupped around her belly.

  “That’s it, isn’t it?” He sounded numb.

  It hadn’t ever been a concrete thought, but now that he’d said it out loud, she couldn’t deny it.

  She didn’t trust him not to do it again. History had a way of repeating itself.

  Raphe’s shoulders slumped. He clenched and unclenched his hands at his sides. He took one step, then another, until he was standing right in front of her.

  “I was fourteen, and my mother was everything I had in the world,” he said, his voice quiet as a prayer. “You think I wasn’t as strong as you are, and you might be right. I wasn’t. Not then. Some people are born with that kind of strength, and others have to build it. Well, I worked really goddamn hard to make sure that would never happen again, and I think I deserve some credit for that.”

  “Raphe.” He was right. Of course he was right, but she wasn’t ready to acknowledge that.

  “This is why you’re scared of us, isn’t it? You think I’m going to check out when the going gets tough.”

  “What the hell do you want from me?” she asked, jerking away from him. “You want to struggle with a baby, I guess I can’t really stop you, but what do you want from me?” She sat on the edge of the bed, her body twisted away from him.

  He sat beside her, though he didn’t touch her. “Ideally, or what do I want that I know you’ll actually give me?”

  She looked over her shoulder at him. “What?”

  “If I promised you forever, you wouldn’t believe me, and I’m not such a romantic that I would make that promise anyway. Everyone changes, and I’m not going to sit here and sing you love songs about now and the rest of our lives.

  “But I think we make a good team. I do love you, and I think you love me, too. We’re going to have a baby. Those are three good reasons to see if we have a chance.”

  “I can’t be a mother.” There was an edge of panic to her tone.

  “Just let me finish, okay? I want you to understand what you can have. Pie in the sky? This is what I want.”

  He took her hands, and she didn’t pull away. “I want you to say we can try this together. Stay with Ani. Let her set up a nursery and let her be the baby’s aunt. She would make a great aunt. I think that’s what she wants to be, even though it would be hard on her. It could be a very good thing for both of you.

  “We could do the co-parenting thing. She would have everything she needs at my place and yours. We’d figure something out so I can work, and you can go to school. And we would date.”

  She laughed. She couldn’t help it. She wasn’t laughing at him; it just sounded so weird. “You want us to date?”

  There was a smile playing at the edge of his lips. “I’m not saying we would work out. You’re a pain in the ass, Tor. The idea of a forever with you makes me very tired.” He was teasing, but Tori’s smile faltered. She was well aware she was no prize.

  “Hey.” Raphe tapped on her chin. “I don’t know what’s going on in that squirrelly brain of yours, but cut it out. You know I love you. I’m still a little pissed off, so I’m not going to be any good at blowing sunshine up your ass.”

  She smiled, and he put his hand to her belly. “What I can promise you is no matter what happens between us, I will cherish and protect her forever. I will do whatever’s best for her. Maybe I can’t give her as much as your sister could, but she’ll be happy and loved.”

  “Christ. You came up with all of this in the, what, hour you’ve known about her?”

  “I don’t know who it is you think you’re talking to. You think I believed you were with someone else? I know you better than that.” He bumped the underside of her chin with his forefinger. “You love me.” His look softened, and Tori knew he was going to kiss her.

  She shot off the bed.

  “Tori, you—”

  “Yeah, I heard you the first time.” Tori had reached her limit of being patronized. She stepped a few feet away. “I can have it all. Forgive my sister. Let her make up fifteen years of abandonment by buying me a future. I could come home to you and our baby. I could have everything, and maybe that’s your idea of heaven, but that’s all nonsense. What if that’s not what I want? I don’t believe in heaven.”

  Raphe raised an eyebrow at her. “You could have just told me I was making you uncomfortable.”

  Tori flushed.

  “It’s not heaven, you know,” he said. “I think life is finding a middle ground between perfect happiness, which I agree doesn’t exist, and all the crap. Finding purgatory.”

  She snorted. “Purgatory.”

  “You think I’m painting you a story of hearts and rainbows? If you did decide to stay with us, with me, your sister, and the baby,
it’s not going to be easy. But nothing is. Would it be easier for you to leave us? Be by yourself with nowhere to go? You stay here, and we’re going to have some really bad days. I think the choice is whether you’re going to throw in some really good days while we’re at it.”

  Tori rubbed the back of her neck. “I came back, didn’t I? I came back to tell you the truth.”

  “Did you come back to stay?”

  “I don’t know.”

  At some point, she was going to have to accept a few truths. Ani would always be her sister. Raphe would always be the father of her child, and even if she chose never to see the little girl, the baby couldn’t be erased. This was her life, better or worse.

  Her head was heavy. “Can I stay with you? Here. Tonight, I mean,” she asked her shoes.

  “Will you call your sister and tell her you’re okay? Or at least text.”

  She huffed out a laugh and dragged her cell phone out. “Yeah, I can do that.”

  He kissed her forehead. “Yes. You can stay tonight.”

  Chapter 27: Turning Page

  “Do you know how many degrees exist? This is crazy. I swear, if I find a degree in underwater basket weaving, I’m going after that one just for shits and giggles.”

  Ani tamped down the urge to smile. “Checking out universities?”

  The last month with Tori had been very different. She was still spiky, easily irritated, and exasperating as ever, but she no longer looked like a wild animal about to bolt. She didn’t talk about moving out of Ani’s house. The week before, Ani had gone into her room to leave folded laundry and saw Tori had hung a picture of the group trip to Disneyland. It was the first thing that personalized the otherwise nondescript room.

  And now she was looking at schools.