Think Again

by Isabel Lucero

“You’re going to drive me crazy,” he says, his voice a low rumble.

  “I think I’m already delirious,” I say with a small laugh.

  He lifts up one side of his mouth in a crooked grin. “Let me get you home.”

  I’ve only been in my house for about ten minutes before I hear the garage opening. I’m standing in the kitchen drinking a glass of water when Aaron walks in.

  “Oh. You’re ready already. I wondered if you got my messages.”

  He walks up to me and kisses my lips, and I can’t help but fear he’ll be able to tell I kissed someone else earlier.

  “Yeah, I got them,” I say, answering his question. “So, you want to go out to dinner?”

  He loosens his tie as he opens the stainless steel fridge. “Yeah. I was thinking Sea Galley. What do you think?”

  “Well, uhh . . .” I pause, wondering if I should agree to go out with him.

  “Come on,” he pleads, pulling a bottle of water from the fridge and walking towards me again. “I think it would be nice for us to go out. We can talk.”

  His voice sounds unsure and almost nervous. I’m not sure if that’s because he doesn’t know what I’ll say, or because he’s planning on talking about something specific at this dinner. Something he’s not altogether comfortable with.

  “Yeah, sure. That’s fine,” I say, my curiosity of his behavior getting the best of me.

  “Great.” His face breaks into a wide grin. “I’m gonna jump in the shower and change¸ then we can be on our way.”

  I nod, giving him a small smile, and watch him walk out. Since I’m already dressed, I collapse onto the couch and wait for him to be ready.

  While I wait, my mind wanders back to Chris and the things he told me at the hotel, and the passionate kiss we shared before leaving. I can’t help but want to explore things with him some more. There’s this spark between us that’s begging to ignite whenever we’re together. While I know I should douse it before it explodes into a fiery affair, I can’t help but want to add to the kindling.

  At the same time, I know there are things I need to handle with Aaron. As if my thoughts made him materialize, I open my eyes and find him standing in front of me.

  “You ready, sleepy head?” he asks with a smile.

  “I’m ready,” I reply, taking his hand to help me off the couch.

  Aaron’s dressed nicely in a pair of black slacks and a teal-colored button up shirt that’s just a few shades darker than my mint green dress. His hair is still a little wet, making his dirty blonde strands look a little darker.

  With a clean shaven face and sparkling hazel eyes, Aaron would be what you’d call a pretty boy. He’s extremely good looking with that boy-next-door, preppy feel. He takes pride in his appearance, always wanting to dress sharply, and won’t allow himself to be seen in public looking less than stellar.

  Minus the cheating and lying, Aaron’s not a bad guy. He’d be a great friend, and he is to a lot of people. I was attracted to him for a reason, however, with time, things changed. He can be a little too stiff sometimes, something I didn’t notice early on in our relationship. My sense of humor doesn’t mesh well with his. While I’m sarcastic and willing to tell dirty jokes, he’s the opposite. There are still times where he doesn’t know if I’m being sarcastic or not, and ends up standing there looking confused. My jokes are a little too crude for him sometimes, and his jokes fall flat for me.

  “You look nice,” he tells me as we walk into the garage.

  “Thanks.”

  I notice that he calls me nice while Chris called me beautiful, but I don’t dwell on that. Perhaps after years of being together, terms like beautiful and sexy just go out the window as far as compliments go. Nice becomes the norm.

  When we get to the restaurant, we’re taken to the back seating area away from the bar, and to our table in the dimly lit room. A large group of people are sitting on the other side of the room, celebrating what seems to be someone’s birthday, and an area reserved for parties and large groups is packed full of people, but it’s mostly closed off, so it’s not too loud.

  “We haven’t been here in a while,” Aaron says, picking up the menu.

  “I know. We haven’t really been anywhere lately.”

  He looks at me with a frown. “I know. I’m sorry.”

  I shrug and look into my own menu. After several minutes, the waiter appears and takes down our drink order. I take a chance on a drink called AK Strawberry Tea, which is apparently so strong they only recommend getting one. It’s also fifteen dollars, so I’ll probably only want to pay for one anyway. It has about eight different things in it, so I have no doubt it’s pretty strong. Aaron decides on the Alaskan Amber for himself, and orders us tempura shrimp for an appetizer.

  He starts talking about work, allowing me to just sit there and nod along. I don’t understand the details of his job, so I don’t have much to add to the conversation, but it’s keeping us from sitting here silently.

  The waiter drops our drinks and appetizer off, taking our meal orders which consist of a top sirloin and Alaskan snow crab for Aaron, and seafood fettuccine and salad bar for me. I excuse myself from the table to get my salad, and come back to the table to see Aaron texting someone on his phone.

  “Who’s that?” I ask, unfolding my napkin-wrapped silverware.

  “Oh, it’s just Bill.”

  I don’t respond, because once again, I don’t know if he’s telling the truth or not. After taking several bites of my salad, and trying to form the question I want to ask him in my head, I decide to just go for it.

  “Did you enjoy your trip to Fairbanks?”

  I want to see how he answers this, because if he says anything besides I actually didn’t go to Fairbanks, then I’ll need to figure a way to ask why he was at Embassy Suites last night.

  He lets out a long breath, and something on his face tells me he’s struggling with how to answer that simple question. My heart picks up speed, wondering if this is when he’ll come clean.

  “I actually didn’t go to Fairbanks,” he says, surprising the ever-loving shit out of me.

  “What?” I ask. “If you didn’t go to Fairbanks, then where did you go?”

  “We were supposed to go to Fairbanks, but when I got to Bill’s, he got a call saying the person we were supposed to meet couldn’t meet there. They ended up being closer to Anchorage, so we met up here.”

  His face looks sorrowful and anxious, like he feels bad for lying, but knows there’s more to explain, so he’s worried I might flip my shit right here in the restaurant. Which of course would be an embarrassment for him, and he hates to be embarrassed.

  “Uh-huh,” I murmur, taking a large sip of my very strong drink. “So, why didn’t you tell me that?”

  “When I got home and saw Doctor Whoever there, I didn’t really think about anything else. I was concerned about you, curious as to why this man was in my house, and I let my anger take over. I’m sorry.”

  I furrow my brows. “Where did you meet?”

  “We met up at the Embassy Suites.”

  My heart drops. Was he there purely for business after all?

  “Who was the person you had to meet?” I question, waiting to hear the name that’s been bothering me this whole time.

  Aaron sighs again. “Her name is Stephany.”

  What. The. Fuck.

  Did I make a terrible assumption?

  “Why did you tell me you were meeting a couple of guys?”

  “Because I knew you wouldn’t like it if I told you I was meeting up with a woman.”

  “What?” I almost screech.

  “You know, because of what happened before,” he says softly, looking ashamed.

  “If it’s a work thing, I wouldn’t care. I understand work relationships, Aaron. Don’t you dare make it seem like I freak out over any little conversation you have with women. As long as you’re not fucking them, I don’t care. Lying about stuff like this doesn’t make anything any better.”
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  “I know,” he says, giving into me because he sees I’m getting riled up.

  The waiter interrupts, bringing us our food and asking if we need anything else. Once he’s out of earshot, I continue asking questions.

  “So, you met up with this Stephany at the hotel for work purposes? And did you stay the night there? I mean, why wouldn’t you come home? Did you stay there with her all night?”

  “Me, Bill, and Stephany met up in the restaurant there to go over the details of our upcoming project. She and her father have their own architectural company, but he couldn’t make the trip. After dinner, Bill went home but instructed me to have some drinks with her in the hopes of winning her over, so she’d want to work with us. They have a lot of money and a lot of contacts, and we can use both for what we have coming up. I agreed, and her and I went to the bar section of the restaurant and had some drinks while continuing to talk business. I ended up having way too many drinks to be able to drive home. Since I was already at a hotel, I decided to just get a room and sleep it off.” He pauses, then adds, “She did not stay in the hotel. She took a cab to wherever she needed to go.”

  It all sounds fairly reasonable, and while there’s a part of me that’s relieved, there’s the rational part that’s aware of so much more. The other checking account, the hotel bills, the adult website receipts, and the woman he was talking to at the hotel before. He’s not squeaky clean, but this Stephany thing seems to check out.

  “Well,” I start, not knowing what to say.

  “Look, I know things have been different lately, and I’m mostly to blame, but I want to be able to talk to you, Aria. I’m not a perfect man. I’ve messed up. I want us to be able to talk about things without getting into heated arguments.”

  “Aaron,” I whisper, shaking my head. “I can’t . . .”

  “You can, Aria,” he states, leaning forward and grabbing my hand, leaving us holding hands across the table. “I want to start over. I want to be able to go back to the way we used to be.”

  “Why have things been so different?” I question. “You haven’t been acting yourself for a while, and there’s so much to be suspicious of, Aaron. I know you know that. Tell me why.”

  He sighs, and I hope beyond hope that he comes clean and confesses to everything. Even though I know it’s going to hurt, it’s going to feel like a huge weight has been removed at the same time. To have everything on the table, to be able to talk about it all and get some closure, that’s what we need. Then, of course, I’ll have to admit to him that I’ve kissed Chris. We need to be adults about our marriage and the problems within it.

  “Aria.” His voice lacks confidence as he squeezes my hand. “Let’s enjoy our evening, huh? We can talk more at home.”

  I nod, conceding. It’s probably best not to have this conversation out in public. The large group across the room erupts into laughter, enjoying their evening. The group consists of several couples, each of them seemingly loving the company of their spouse. A pang of jealousy hits me as I watch a redhead lean in and kiss her husband lovingly on the lips. He rests his arm on the back of her chair, looking at her with pure adoration. Some people are just lucky in love.

  When I look back at Aaron, he’s already looking at me. It’s not adoration I see in his eyes. It’s concern. Is he concerned for me or for himself? Whatever it is, it fills me with apprehension.

  “Well, look here,” a voice booms behind me. “How nice to see you guys.”

  I recognize Scott’s joyful voice. With a smile, I turn to greet him, but my smile falters when I realize he’s not alone. He brought Chris. I watch as his eyes move towards mine and Aaron’s hands still connected on the table.

  Once again his jaw clenches, something I’m noticing he does when he’s not happy, but he quickly replaces it with a faux smile as Scott continues to talk.

  “Hey, Scott,” Aaron greets, letting go of my hand and extending it for a handshake. “Long time, no see.”

  “I know. How ya been?”

  “I’ve been good,” Aaron replies, cutting his eyes at Chris for a brief second. “Just needed a night out with my wife,” he finishes with a smile.

  Scott smiles. “I understand that. Have you met Chris yet? He’s our newest addition.”

  Aaron’s smile becomes forced. “Yes, we did have the pleasure of meeting,” he says. “How are you?” he asks, directing his attention to Chris.

  “I’m great, thank you,” he answers stiffly.

  I take a few large sips from my drink to calm my nerves, looking anywhere but at any of the men surrounding me. God, I hope they don’t sit close to us. The waiter is waiting a few steps away, trying to get them to their table, but Scott won’t stop talking.

  “Oh, good. I’m glad you guys got to meet. Aria was kind enough to show him around town the other day. He’s new here, so he could use some friends,” Scott says, putting a hand on Chris’s shoulder and smiling at him like a father would.

  Chris smiles patiently at the old man, and I go back to paying attention to my drink.

  “I’m sure he’ll find some,” Aaron says, clearly dismissing the idea of being friends with him himself.

  I’ve literally said no words since they arrived, and I wonder if it’s obvious that I’m uncomfortable.

  “Well, I hope you guys enjoy your dinner,” I say, trying to sound upbeat and unbothered by the current situation. “This place has some really great food,” I mention, looking at Chris briefly.

  He shifts his body, giving me his full attention. “Well, you seem to have good taste.” His eyes look towards Aaron for the quickest of seconds before he finishes. “Food wise, anyway. I quite enjoyed both Moose’s Tooth and Lucky Wishbone,” he says, bringing up the two places he and I went to.

  Out of the corner of my eye I see Aaron stiffen, sitting up a bit straighter. When I take a glance in his direction, I see him staring holes into Chris before turning his gaze to me.

  I smile with discomfort. “Good. I guess I’ll see you two at work tomorrow,” I state, looking at Scott.

  “You’re gonna come in?” Scott questions.

  “Yep. My ankle will be fine. I can’t stand being stuck at home.”

  “Well, all right. We’ll see you tomorrow. Aaron, it was nice seeing you again,” Scott says, shaking his hand. “You two enjoy your night.”

  “Thanks, Scott,” Aaron says. “We will. Good-bye, Chris,” he states with finality, like he never wants to see him again.

  Chris doesn’t say anything to him. He lifts his head slightly in acknowledgement before looking at me again. “See you tomorrow.”

  The tone in his voice and look in his eyes tell me that we’ll be having a talk tomorrow. I give both him and Scott a small smile and nod, watching them finally make their way to a table.

  Silence lingers between me and Aaron for a while after they leave. It’s quite obvious that Aaron doesn’t like Chris, and I wonder if that’s strictly because he was at the house, or because he knows Chris is attractive and has his own feelings of insecurity.

  “There’s something about that guy,” he says, leaving the second half of the sentence off.

  “Who? Chris?” I ask, even though I know who he’s talking about.

  “Yeah, I don’t get a good vibe from him.”

  I shrug, unsure of what to say. “He seems nice enough.”

  “I’m sure you think so,” he says in a snide tone.

  “What does that mean?”

  He huffs. “Oh, come on. I know you’re attracted to him. You went out to eat with the guy for Christ’s sake.”

  “As a friend!” I nearly yell. “Scott asked me to take him around. Jesus. I was being nice. He works with me. What am I supposed to do?”

  Aaron rolls his eyes. “And he shows up to my house while I’m gone,” he barks, getting agitated.

  “Your house? I’m sorry. I was under the assumption that it was our house.”

  He scoffs. “He was still there.”

  “And you wer
e out with Stephany.” I say her name like it’s a disease.

  “For work. I just told you that.”

  “Yeah, well you’ve told me lots of things.”

  “Are we really going to bring up shit from the past?” he asks in a low voice that drips with irritation.

  “If it affects the present, then yes.”

  “I’m so tired of having the same argument with you, Aria. I admitted to screwing up in the past, and if you can’t get over it . . .”

  “If I can’t get over it, what? Huh, Aaron? It doesn’t matter that you admitted to it. You still fucking did it. It still hurts, and I think you’re still doing it. So take your fucking admission and shove it up your ass.”

  I push my chair back and storm towards the bathroom. I’m glad Scott and Chris aren’t seated near us and missed the little show we just put on. As much as I tried keeping my voice down, I’m sure if anybody were watching, they’d know we were arguing.

  Once in the bathroom, I go to the sink and stare at myself in the mirror. I didn’t mean to get so angry and blow up like that. I wanted to be able to keep my cool, but when he acts like admitting to cheating on me before is supposed to make me feel better, then I flip out. First of all, he didn’t just come to me with an admission because he felt so guilty about it. I caught him. He had no choice but to come clean at that point.

  He also acts like because that particular incident happened a couple years back, that I’m supposed to just get over it. People like to say things like, “Be the bigger person. Rise above and move on.” Well, fuck that. You don’t always have to be the bigger person. You don’t always have to take the high road. There are times when a person needs to know they fucked up and they can’t get away with it. Get your revenge. Do what you need to do to make yourself feel better. Once you do that, then move on, but don’t ever think you have to let things go just because that’s what people say.

  I forgave him back then, but that doesn’t mean I forgot. The saying Forgive and Forget is another one I don’t agree with. Forgive, sure, but never forget. It’s not actually possible to forget getting your heart pummeled and your trust broken.