by Ruby Dixon
So yeah, I spend a lot of time crying. I spend a lot of my time alone, too. It's easy enough considering that everyone just wants me to rest up and stay away from the others in the fort while we're not sure if the sickness is still contagious. Left to my own thoughts, I can worry endlessly over Liam, turn over the moments we shared in my head over and over again, and die a slow death every time the dragon alarm goes off.
Because the dragon alarms go off practically daily, and it's never Liam. It's always that blasted red that's got a thing for Gabe.
That red has been a pain in my ass ever since we got back. She comes by every damn day, flying low and swooping over the settlement and making everyone panic. Unlike the normal red attacks, though, she never uses her flame. She just bellows and roars and tears at the buildings as if she wants something inside them.
I can guess that it's Gabe, but Rast says he's tried talking to her and there's nothing there. He thinks it's impossible for the female to fix on a human, because they're ten times more lost to the berserk rage than the males are.
Me, I still think she's after Gabe.
Either way, it's utterly frustrating because since she's constantly coming to the fort and attacking, Rast has to spend his time guarding us and shooing her off instead of hunting for Liam. He goes out when he can, but for the most part, he sticks close to the fort.
That drives me crazy. I know Liam's out there. He's strong in mind, and clever. I know that if Rast can just talk to him, he can try to get through to him. To get him to change back and turn human again.
I know if he knew I was alive, he'd come back for me.
But Rast is busy, and the red is lurking, and Amy won't let me leave the fort until Rast “finds” Liam. So I sleep in my room under quarantine, eat the meals brought to me, and worry over Liam.
I never thought I would miss another human being so much. This is different than when my mother and father died. It's different than when Benny ran off. Those felt like painful abandonment, of loss of family.
This feels like I've lost my soul. My other half.
My reason to smile.
I've never felt so connected to someone as I have to Liam. He's the only person that's ever truly “seen” me. I adore Gwen and think of her as my big sister, and I respect and like Amy. I like a lot of people at the fort, but I didn't realize how utterly alone I felt until Liam was gone…and I realized that my loneliness had disappeared when he was there. Now, it's like I've lost a limb or one of my senses.
I just want him back.
Most nights, when the fort settles down and gets quiet, I sneak up to the roof, thinking of that night a few weeks ago, when he told me that we were flirting. That we were attracted to each other and just fighting it. A night when I first started to realize that maybe, just maybe, this thing between me and Liam might be something real. I stare up at the stars and think of Liam.
Please come back to me, I tell them silently. Please come home, Atalim. I miss you so much.
There's never an answer, just the endless shine of the stars dotting the night sky and the greenish pulse of the Rift, visible even in darkness.
If Liam's out there, he doesn't know I exist.
"Andi?"
I look up from the mop I'm swishing over the tile floors of the old school. It's been raining for the last few days, and while it's good for the crops, it means that the floor gets muddy from the dozens of feet moving back and forth over it. This is the third time I've mopped today, but I don't mind. Work keeps me busy.
Busy means I don't worry about Liam. Or rather, I worry less. I still worry all hours of the day and into the night.
My heart races as I push the mop back into its bucket and raise a hand to warn Amy as she heads toward me. "Floor's all wet. Let me come to you."
She nods, waiting at the end of the hall. There's a look on her face that's sorrow and pity both, and I can feel myself stiffening in response. I don't want to know. I don't want to know.
Oh god, but I need to know. This can only be about one thing—my wonderful, handsome, smart, missing Liam. "Tell me what you found out."
"Rast found him," she says, her expression calm even as her eyes are so, so sad. "He's south of here by a few hours. When the drakoni go wild, they get territorial. This area's considered Rast's territory, so most avoid it. It looks like he's staked out land of his own to prowl over."
"Rast talked to him?" I ask quickly, popping up the folding WET FLOOR sign and dumping it in the middle of the tile. "Can I see Rast?"
"Of course. Come on. He's outside." She takes my arm gently and pats my hand, as if comforting me, and I inwardly bristle. I don't want comforting. I want answers.
I want Liam.
God, I want Liam.
There's a huge knot in my throat as we go outside, into the courtyard. It's steamy with the lingering heat, the ground wet and full of puddles. The potted plants are lined up on their rolling beds, drinking in the late afternoon sunlight, and I see a couple of people moving between the rows, looking for newly ripened vegetables to add to tonight's dinner. In the middle of the blacktop recess area, Rast leans against the old monkey bars, his arms crossed as he gazes out on the people moving about. He's completely and utterly naked, his thick cloud of tangled hair flowing over his shoulders and down his back. I used to think he was pretty freaking glorious, for a male specimen.
But then I realized just how gorgeous Liam was. Now Rast doesn't hold a candle to him.
His gaze flicks over me as Amy approaches, and then rests on his mate with that possessive look of pleasure that makes my heart ache, because Liam used to look at me like that.
"What did you find out?" I ask, biting my lip. I don't realize I'm clenching Amy's hand in mine until Rast frowns, looking down at our hands.
Amy pauses and then speaks up. "He says that he found Liam. Or at least, it's a dragon he's pretty sure is Liam. She says his mind is so wild it's impossible to say for sure."
I stare at Rast for a moment and then blink, looking over at Amy. Why did she answer for him? It takes me a moment to remember—none of the other drakoni speak with words except for Liam, who worked so hard to learn our language. I didn't need to be face to face with Rast, because Amy could have said everything that needed to be said. I feel like an idiot. Even so, I look at Rast, my eyes full of pleading. "You don't know if it was him? You can't tell?"
Another pause, his eyes swirling. He glances at Amy.
"He says that he never touched minds with Liam before, so he's not entirely sure if it's him or not. But he caught his scent in the area, and there is a male dragon lost to the madness in that area, so…it could be him."
His scent. It's not much to go on, but it could be enough. "So it's either Liam, or that dragon ate Liam and you're smelling his remains. Is that it?"
"Don't think of it like that, Andi," Amy murmurs gently. "Liam's strong and capable. He can take care of himself. We'll find him. If it's not this dragon, it's someone else."
My heart aches and aches. I need this to be him. "Did you try talking to him?" I ask Rast, searching the hard planes of his face. "Did you mention my name? Did you say 'Andrea' to him? Not Andi but Andrea?" I can't keep the eagerness from my voice. "Because he doesn't think of me as Andi."
Rast's gaze is steady as he watches me.
"He tried to talk to him," Amy says softly. "But there was nothing there. The madness was too great. He says nothing got through to him at all. Not a greeting, not a challenge, not your name, not anything. He sits atop his tower nest and roars, utterly mindless."
I want to scream with how much it hurts to hear that. But I knew it would be bad, didn't I? Because I know that my Liam would come back for me. He wouldn't leave me when I'm sick and just fuck off. Something bad happened.
I knew this. I knew it but it still hurt to hear. "Will you take me to him?"
"Of course," Amy says. "Can you be ready in an hour? We can fly you out there and then be back here before it gets dark, in case the red returns t
his afternoon."
They're going to leave me there? I'm shocked…and then it sinks in. Of course they're coming back. Like Amy said, dragons—drakoni—are territorial. Liam's going to attack if Rast stays around, and they're needed here at the fort. "I'll be ready. Just let me talk to Benny and pack a bag."
"Of course. I'll get some food ready for you in the kitchens. Meet you back here in about an hour." She smiles at me, her expression full of comfort. Rast moves right past me, drawing his mate into his arms and pulling her against him. He breathes in her scent, his face buried in her hair, and she giggles at something he says, her arms locked around his waist. They look so happy and in love that it makes me miss Liam even more.
"I'm coming for you, Atalim," I murmur to no one at all as I race to find my brother. "It won't be long now."
Benny's surprisingly easy to find. I hear his laughter as I move toward the plants lined up near the gym. I see his shaggy hair before I see the rest of him, and when I hear a girly giggle blending with his laughter, I realize he's with Katrina. I round the tall tomato plants, wondering if I'm going to catch them making out, but they're just standing together and talking, heads bent. Katrina plays with the fingers of her gardening gloves, a smile on her face, and Benny, well, Benny looks like he's in love.
I clear my throat.
Benny looks over at me, his face turning bright red. "Don't you knock?" he retorts, looking like the gangly, embarrassed teenager that he is.
"I would if there was a door," I say, keeping my tone light. "Can I talk to you for a second? It's urgent."
A serious expression comes over my brother's lean face and instead of giving me more shit, he nods at Katrina, and then jogs over to my side. My heart aches at the sight of his golden eyes, so very solemn. I know my eyes are golden now, too, but seeing the changes in him just reminds me how close he came to death.
"I'm sorry to interrupt," I tell him, walking a few paces away so Katrina won't overhear. "I'm not trying to be an overbearing sister, I promise. I just wanted to let you know that Rast thinks he might have found Liam and I'm going after him."
"He found him?" Relief moves over Benny's face. I know he feels guilty that we 'lost' Liam because of his running away. He adores Liam as a friend and a father figure, and he knows that Liam is important to me. "Is he coming home?"
"Not exactly." I tell him the recap of the conversation I had with Amy and Rast. "He's completely lost," I explain, continuing. "So they're going to drop me off and see if I can bring him back to his senses."
"Are you gonna mate with him like Amy mated with Rast?" He wrinkles his nose. "Did you come to tell me you're gonna get laid?"
"I don't know what it's going to entail, and I wanted to tell you because you're my family and I love you, and I might be gone for a few days." Or forever, if Liam's so crazy that he attacks me and kills me for being in his territory. I won't entertain that thought, though. Rast and Vaan didn't kill their human mates. A human woman is just about the only thing that can bring a dragon out of his insanity. "Getting laid is the best-case scenario, though."
Benny gags. "Thanks for sharing that, sis."
"Just…please don't leave again without talking to me first, all right? I promise that whatever your concerns are, I'll listen like I'm supposed to and if you want to leave, I'll help you, but just don't run off, okay?"
The look he gives me is as scornful as a teenage boy can muster. "Why would I leave now? Katrina's here." He flushes, his gold eyes bright in his red face. "I just wanted people my own age. It wasn't that I hated being here. Or that I hated you. I was just…you know."
"I know," I say softly. Because I do know. Loneliness sucks, and it can consume you even when you're surrounded by other people. I feel a little jealous of Katrina for having so much of his attention. Since we've returned, I've been wallowing in my worry over Liam, but my brother's also been completely preoccupied with her. I'm second place now. I'm happy for him, though, happy that if nothing else, he's healthy and he gets happiness.
Impulsively, I reach out and hug my skinny brother against me. He's practically as tall as I am now. When did that happen? When was the last time I hugged him?
Benny makes a horrified sound and slides out of my grasp. "Jeez, Andi. You're only going for a few days."
"I know," I say, and can't resist teasing him. "I must be hormonal and about to start my period."
"Fuck, don't tell me about that!" He makes another gagging sound and gives me a horrified look. "Gross, Andi!"
I chuckle. "I love you, Benny."
For a moment, I think he's going to make another crack, but he just crosses his arms over his chest and watches me. "Bring Liam back, okay? He's a good guy."
"That's the plan."
Either I'm coming back with Liam, or I'm going to end up dead under his claws. But one way or another, I'm finding him.
26
ANDI
The flight south seems to take forever. I huddle inside Rast's claws, clutching my bag of supplies to my chest as I scan every cloud, hoping that Liam's hiding behind the next one.
But hours pass, and still no Liam. Eventually, Rast circles lower, landing on the ground. He gently sets me down and I stretch my cramped limbs, pushing my wind-tousled braid off my shoulder.
"You good?" Amy calls out from above.
I turn to look at her. She's up on Rast's back, between his shoulder blades, a saddle rigged to allow her to sit. She wears goggles and her own hair is hidden underneath a hat, her braids sticking out underneath. She looks a little ridiculous in swim goggles and with a scarf over her mouth, but judging from the amount of bugs I accidentally swallowed as we rode, I figure it's smart and next time I'm going to take her up on them instead of pooh-poohing the offerings.
But there won't be a next time. I'm going to find Liam, I remind myself. There's no way I'm going to return without him. "I'm good," I tell her, giving a thumbs up.
She points off into the distance, and I follow her gesture with my eyes, seeing a tall building situated above the rest. "Rast says the dragon's scent is all over that building, probably because it's the highest spot in the area. We'd take you closer, but we don't want him getting Rast's scent and having it make him wilder.”
It looks like it's at least a mile away, as the crow flies. "That's okay. I can walk."
"Are you sure you want to do this, Andi?" Amy asks. "We can turn around and go back."
I shake my head. "I'm staying. I love him, Amy. I can't let him end up like this."
"He could hurt you." Her voice is soft. "He might not even realize it’s you."
"I know." I know he's madder than any dragon they've run across and I'm flirting with danger by going after him, but I also know that if I return to the fort and act like he didn't exist, I'll die inside. Even now, I feel like a puppet being dragged through the motions—the old Andi left when Liam did. I won't be whole until he's back in my life. So I say, with grim determination, "If he's in there, I'm going to find a way to bring him back."
Amy nods. "I thought you might say that, but I wanted to be sure. We'll come back to this spot in five days if you haven't returned to the fort by then."
"Thank you," I say, and give them a wave to let them know I'm ready to go. I've heard nothing but warnings ever since I told them I wanted to go after Liam. I know it's risky. I know he's insane.
I don't care. He's my other half. I love him. If our roles were reversed, he wouldn't hesitate to come after me, so I'm going to do my best to bring him home.
Amy smiles, and then Rast leaps back into the air, the beat of his wings as he takes off so strong that dust flies in my face and my hair fights to get free from my messy braid. I watch them leave, waiting until they disappear before I turn to the ruins and give a hard look to my new surroundings.
It's the typical downtown ruins of any old city in the After. There are collapsed buildings, destroyed billboards, and lots of charred ruins and car-littered streets. The building that Amy pointed out rises abov
e the rest, easily five stories, maybe more. A sign for an old banking company is near the roof, the red lettering burnt out and destroyed. Most of the windows are gone, but the building itself is still standing. I study it, wondering if it's safe to go to the top or if I should set up at the base. Guess there's no reason why I can't check out everything. It's not like I'm in a time crunch.
Well, sorta. I have three days. If Liam doesn't come by in all that time, I'll just have to have Amy and Rast pick me up and try someplace new. I'm not giving up on him, though. If it takes months to meet up with him, it takes months. I just need to set my expectations and not hope for too much. I scan the quiet, cloudy skies, but there's no sign of a dragon anywhere. I bite back a sigh, heft my bag onto my shoulder, and stride toward the bank building.
Everything here is so very quiet. I notice this as I cross over broken roads and move around cars and gutted buildings. A lot of ruins have some level of noise to them, usually animals in the streets. Occasionally you can hear a gun go off—a sign of another scavenger in the area or nomads. But here? It's all quiet. There's no sign that a dragon's been here, either. There are no beasts flying overhead, no dead, half-eaten animals, no still-smoking ruins, nothing.
That doesn't mean anything, of course. It could just be coincidence that I see no signs of him, but I have to admit that just seeing one recently burnt-out building would make me feel a ton better. It would be an instant confirmation that yes, a fierce, hungry, world-destroying dragon is in this area. But it's all quiet. I try to think about when Vaan was lurking outside of Fort Shreveport, waiting for Gwen to emerge. Were there signs that he was there? Other than the incessant attacks?
I guess I can always wait for the inevitable dragon attack.
As soon as the idea crosses my mind, I reject it. Fuck that. I've already waited weeks to come after him. I'm not waiting a day longer if I don't have to.
I've already been without him for far too long.