Intentional

by MK Harkins

  I know I need to stop now; I can feel my body starting to rebel. I’m beginning to feel the heaviness descend on my heart once again. Cade stands up, letting the swing dangle back. He walks over to me and takes my hands. He pulls me up out of the swing and into his arms. He hugs me. Tight. He’s rubbing my back, saying over and over, “I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry.” I surprise myself—I’m not crying.

  This actually feels good. Really good. I’m feeling better. This is cathartic. I guess I need to let some of this stuff out every once in a while. I tell him, “It’s okay. I’m okay.”

  He squeezes me a little tighter, then lets go and takes a good long look at me. “I think you are okay. Mattie, you are one of the strongest people I know.” I give him a doubtful look. “Thanks, although I have to admit that I don’t feel strong most of the time. It’s getting better, though. I think moving to Mercer Island was the best choice I could have made. I’m starting to make friends—I have Julianne, Sam, and now you!”

  Cade smiles. “You have me, all right. After this weekend, you can add my bandmates—Ayden, Scott, and Mica. They’ll love you!”

  I laugh. “I thought I needed to be careful around them.”

  “Oh, that’s still true. We’ll call them friends from afar.”

  “You are so funny with all your friend categories!”

  We start to walk back to the fenced area where we left Bear. He’s running around, chasing a Lab and a cairn terrier. I turn to Cade and ask, “So, how do you know Julianne and Sam, and why do you have Bear today?”

  Cade calls Bear over and attaches his leash. We walk a little farther before he replies, “I met Sam in college, and I borrowed Bear as an excuse to see you.” He pauses. “As almost-dating friends, of course.” Cade is adorable when he’s embarrassed.

  “Of course,” I reply.

  We head back to my apartment. This has been so much fun, I don’t want it to end. Cade asks, “Do you want to drop off Bear and head to Bennett’s Bistro for brunch?” Bennett’s is a great restaurant that’s located on the retail floor of my apartment.

  “Sure, let’s go.” I haven’t thought of food the entire time I’ve been with Cade, and my stomach starts to growl.

  Cade laughs. “Just in the nick of time!”

  I hold my stomach. “That wasn’t me!” I look around. “It was Bear!”

  Cade gives me an unbelievable look. “I can’t believe it—blame the poor dog!”

  I laugh again. “Okay, I admit it. I didn’t get a chance to eat during my record-breaking six-minute prep time!”

  He gives me another incredulous look. “You weren’t still asleep at eleven, were you?”

  “Guilty,” I answer.

  “I never would have believed you were one of those late sleepers. You seem like the type to get up at the crack of dawn.”

  “I usually am, but last night I didn’t go to sleep until the crack of dawn!”

  He looks surprised. “Why was that?”

  I realize that I’ve just backed myself into a corner with my last remark. How do I answer this? Well, Cade, I didn’t sleep because I was thinking about you all last night. Or perhaps Oh, Cade, my feelings for you are so confusing, I couldn’t even think of sleeping. Better yet, Cade, you were the most incredible, hot, sexy man onstage, and I am lusting after you. I answer, “Too much caffeine, I think,” and leave it at that.

  It’s two o’clock on a Sunday afternoon, so we have the restaurant almost to ourselves. He orders eggs Benedict. I look at him curiously. “I want to see if they make it as well as you do.” We enjoy another two hours of quiet conversation. We talk all about my job, his job, our goals, our dreams, and by the time we’re finished, I feel like I know Cade much better. I like him even more. He’s average yet complex. He has this very conservative day job and a crazy rocker job on the weekends. He has an innocently beautiful face, yet he has these tattoos. All these contradictions make him very interesting.

  He walks me to my door. I say, “I’ll see you on Saturday!”

  I get the flash of his dazzling smile again—“Maybe sooner”—and with that, he turns and leaves.

  I go into my apartment and flop down on the sofa. I’m feeling good, confused, jumbled, happy...wait a minute—happy? I honestly never thought I would experience happiness again. I feel optimistic. It isn’t Cade, exactly. It’s knowing that I can make friends, make connections with people again. There was a long period of time when I just wanted to be a hermit, to shield myself from the world. I really thought I wouldn’t be capable of trust again—ever. It makes sense—the two most important people in my life betrayed me in the worst possible way. I trusted them with my life. I trusted them with my entire being. Some days it still seems unfathomable that it really happened. I can still picture Jeremy’s face so clearly. I can see the love for me written all over his face. I know he loved me—didn’t he?

  Chapter 27

  Fourteen Months Ago

  Mattie

  Jeremy and I have been dating for four months. I love him. I know it’s time. He has been so patient with me. I know he’s left our house on many occasions just to go home to take a cold shower. I am so lucky to have someone like Jeremy in my life. I’m really nervous about this, so I want to talk to him about it.

  I’m snuggling with Jeremy on the couch. I’m trying to figure out the best way to broach this subject. I think I should just be direct. “Jeremy, I love you more than anything—you know that, right?”

  He looks at me with the sweetest expression, the way he always does. He holds me closer. “And you, Mattie, are the love of my life.”

  He kisses me gently, passionately. I’m distracted for a bit. One thing I know for sure: when we do ramp up our physical relationship, it’s going to be good—no, make that great. Every time he kisses me, I have all these wonderful feelings at the same time—love, passion, affection, and an incredible amount of lust. He knows that I’m a virgin, so he hasn’t pushed. That’s another thing I love about Jeremy. He wants to wait until I’m ready. I clear my throat and say, “I’m ready.”

  He looks closely at me. We’ve been together, almost inseparable, for four months. He knows exactly what I mean. He holds me close. “Are you sure, honey? I want you to be sure.”

  I explain the process I think we need to go through. The whole time, he’s nodding his head. “Yeah, that’s a good idea.” “Sure thing.” “Sounds good.”

  I’m laughing—I think he would agree to anything at this point. I say, “I’m thinking next weekend might be good. What do you think?” Of course he’s agreeable again. We stay on the couch for the rest of the night, holding hands. I think we both sense that our relationship is going to change. I’m so excited to give myself to Jeremy. I’ve known for a long time that we are soul mates. I can just feel that we are going to be together forever.

  The following Monday, I ask Sarah about the different choices of birth control. I thought maybe she could help with the decision, but she seems almost mad. I know she’s been sexually active since the age of fifteen, so I don’t understand her attitude. My first conversation with her doesn’t go well at all. When I explain my plans, she yells, “What the hell! You aren’t ready for that, Mattie. What are you thinking?”

  I answer, “I’m thinking that I love Jeremy, it’s been four months, and I’m finally ready to commit to him on a more intimate level. Why would you question that? You know I’m in love with him. I’m almost twenty-four years old. Don’t you think I’ve waited long enough? I love him, Sarah, and I always will.”

  Sarah looks at me and shakes her head. “You’re so naive, Mattie. Once a guy gets what he wants, he moves on to greener pastures. Once you give it up, the challenge is over and off he’ll go.” Here she goes again! I thought she was over this. She knows Jeremy; he’s over at our house all the time, and she works with him. I know she can be negative, but I’m surprised by her vehemence.

  I answer back, “Sarah, I thought you were over all that office gossip!”

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nbsp; She scowls at me. “Mattie, you never know with people, especially men. I’ve felt certain about them before. You remember Robert? I thought he was the one, but off he went as soon as he got what he wanted.”

  I do remember Robert, and he did seem nice, but they quit dating after two weeks. I don’t want to bring this up, though. I answer, “Jeremy is the only one for me. Nothing will ever break us apart. Nothing. So please don’t talk about him like that again.” I feel like I want to cry. It seems like the closer I get to Jeremy, the more distant Sarah becomes. I wonder if she’s a little jealous of all the time I spend with Jeremy. I remind myself to spend more time with her. I think that will make us both feel better.

  The week drags on slowly. On Thursday, I decide to make a trip to Victoria’s Secret. I want everything to be perfect. I choose a beautiful white lace nightgown. That nervous/excited feeling is back again. I know Jeremy doesn’t care what I wear, but I think he’s going to love it.

  Jeremy calls me on Friday. “Hey, honey, I’m making plans for tomorrow. I’m going to order food in. I don’t want you to cook.”

  I laugh. “I know what you’re doing. You want every bit of my energy spent on you, isn’t that right?”

  I hear Jeremy’s gentle laugh. “Busted!” he says. We finish the conversation making plans for Saturday. My heart feels like it’s going to beat right out of my chest.

  It’s here, finally. Saturday at last! I’ve packed a little case, because we’ve already made plans for me to spend the night. I’ve never slept with a man before. My hands are shaking as I reach for my keys. I look around the house for Sarah. She’s been gone all day. We haven’t really talked all week. She’s still upset over my decision. She thinks I’m making a huge mistake. I was hopeful she would change her mind, but she became progressively withdrawn as the week dragged on. Maybe she’s just in a bad mood. She gets like that sometimes.

  I drive over to Jeremy’s house in record time. He meets me at the front door with a huge hug. He leans down to kiss me. It’s magic. It’s always that way with Jeremy. From the very beginning, we have had a sizzling chemistry between us. The kiss starts to deepen, and Jeremy pulls back, smiling. “We’ve got to get you in here first.” I giggle. I walk into the living room and set down my case. He looks at it. There is a second of awkward silence, until it’s broken by a knock at the door.

  “Food’s here!” Jeremy calls, as he walks to the door to open it. In walks a delivery boy from Las Margaritas, our favorite Mexican restaurant. I’m just about to tell him how thoughtful he is, when right after the delivery man, in walks the mariachi band that usually plays at the restaurant. I know he’s trying to be romantic, but this is hysterical. “You got me a mariachi band for my first time!” I dissolve in fits of laughter; I try hard to stop, but it’s useless. I’m laughing so hard I have tears streaming down my face. Jeremy looks at me, confused; I think he must think I’m losing it. After a moment of indecision, I see a flicker of humor in his eyes when he realizes the absurdity of it. He bursts out laughing with me. We are both cracking up so loudly that the band stops playing to look at us. At this point, we can’t control our laughter, and apologize and send them on their way.

  We sit on the couch, recovering from our fits of laughter. I look over at him. “I’m not hungry.”

  He looks back at me. “I’m not either.”

  I get up and grab my case and make my way to the bathroom. This is it. There’s no turning back now. I don’t want to turn back, though. I freshen up and put on my new Victoria’s Secret nightgown. I take a deep breath and go into the bedroom. Jeremy is standing next to the bed. I hear his breath whoosh out. “God, Mattie, you are so beautiful.”

  That’s all I need to hear. I walk over to him with a shy smile on my face. “So are you, Jeremy. I love you so much.”

  He takes me in his arms and holds me close. He whispers, “Do you trust me?”

  I answer, “With my life.”

  When I wake up the next morning, I feel different. I feel wonderful. I never knew that it could be like this. We lay together for the longest time, our arms and legs entangled, staring lovingly into each other’s eyes. Jeremy holds me closer “Mattie, you feel so good.” Heaven. There is no other way to describe how I feel. I’m so glad I waited. Jeremy was so gentle, loving, and passionate, all at the same time. He knew just how to handle my body, how to take care of me and make me feel special.

  I am still feeling euphoric as I stretch and smile. Jeremy reaches for me again. I snuggle up to him, leaning my head into the space between his chin and shoulder. I take a deep breath. He smells incredible, delicious. He kisses my head and speaks into my ear softly: “That was by far the best experience of my life.”

  He holds me closer. “Mattie, you’re mine now. This is forever—you’ll always be mine.” I nod into his chest. He says, “Say it, Mattie. Tell me.”

  I whisper, “Yes, I’m yours forever, Jeremy.” The moment is so intense, I feel a rush of love surge through my body. A lone tear escapes and rolls down my cheek.

  Jeremy

  Fourteen Months Ago

  “I think I’m ready,” she says. I’m stunned. I ask her if she’s sure, just to be certain. She looks back at me—she has a look in her eyes. Oh yes, she’s ready. I’ve been ready since I’ve met her. Damn, I’ve waited for this for so long. She’s worth it. I know she doesn’t have any experience with men. That’s made the waiting a lot easier.

  She starts going over the details: health tests, birth control—I’m in a trance. I think I remember nodding, but all I can think about is her with me, in my arms all night. We make plans for the next weekend.

  On Monday, I’m sitting at my desk, not getting a lick of work done. I’m so distracted. I want to make this weekend special for Mattie. It should be fun and romantic. I’m pondering different scenarios when I hear a knock at my door. “Come in.” Sarah walks in and shuts the door behind her. She sits in the chair that’s placed in front of my desk.

  She looks angry. “What’s up?” I ask.

  She shakes her head. “I don’t think Mattie’s ready. I don’t want her to be pushed into something she’s not prepared for.”

  I’m shocked. Why does Sarah think this is any of her business? “Sarah, I appreciate your concern, but this is between Mattie and me.”

  She stands up. “Mattie is my best friend. I’ve know her a lot longer than you! I know she isn’t ready. You should know better!”

  Now I’m starting to get angry. “So you’ve decided for Mattie? Have you talked about this with her? Because she seems pretty certain to me.”

  Sarah continues, “Mattie doesn’t know what she’s doing! She won’t be able to handle it. She shouldn’t even be dating you! You have too much experience for someone like Mattie. She should be with someone who’s more like her!”

  I’m glaring at Sarah. I need to stay calm because I think I’m going to explode. “Sarah. I’m going to say this only once. I appreciate that you’re trying to look out for Mattie, but this is absolutely none of your business.” I pause to collect myself further. “When you say that she should be with someone else, that simply isn’t true. No one could love her more than I do. We belong together. I’ll love and take care of her as long as she lets me.”

  Sarah is still looking at me with contempt. “Sarah, we have to work together. Is this going to be an issue for you?”

  She draws back. It seems suddenly clear to her that her job might be on the line. “I just care so much for her.” She looks down. As she starts to rise, she pushes her shoulders back. “I’m sorry, Jeremy. You won’t hear another word from me.”

  She abruptly turns and leaves the office. I’m left to think about the strange conversation. I wonder if Mattie has ever seen this side of Sarah.

  Saturday can’t come soon enough. I’ve got the food all lined up to be delivered. Mattie is a wonderful cook, but I want her to take the night off and enjoy herself. I have the champagne chilling, and food and music arriving, right at 7:00 p.m
.

  I can’t remember ever having been so damn nervous! It’s not like I haven’t done this before. Mattie is different, though. All my past experiences have been short relationships without a lot of emotion. Emotion is all I feel with Mattie. I’m in love with her, which makes tonight so meaningful.

  I wake up the next morning and watch Mattie sleep. Is it possible to love her more than I did yesterday? Last night was so much more than I could have wished for. It was everything. An overwhelming feeling of possessiveness comes over me. I tell her I love her, that I want her to be mine forever. She nods her head, but I want her to say it. She looks up at me and says, “I’m yours forever, Jeremy.” I say, Thank you, God in my head and hold her close. I don’t need anything else in this life.

  Chapter 28

  July

  Jeremy

  It’s been three weeks since the Sarah incident. I need to stay calm and methodical. I haven’t seen Sarah at all. I’m worried. I’m worried that she is certifiably crazy, and I don’t know where she is or what she plans to do. Do I dare try to talk to her? Will she go nuts on me again?

  Maybe she’s had time to calm down. Maybe she really knows where Mattie is after all. I weigh out the benefits and the risks. I’m going to confront her. I know where she lives—I’ll just make sure to stay at a healthy distance. I didn’t like the wild look in her eyes during our last encounter. I don’t know what she’s capable of.

  I make the ten-minute drive out to Sarah’s house. She’s rented a house similar to the one she shared with Mattie. I think of Mattie. Sarah has taken so much from both of us. All I can think about is holding Mattie again. I want to feel her warm breath on my skin, to hear her tell me how much she loves me. I’ll get her back. I know it. I can feel it.

  With resolve, I go to the door. The first thing I notice is that it’s partly open. That’s strange. I push it open farther and call in, “Anyone home?”