Summer I Found You

by Jolene Perry

  Not that I really want to talk about it, but I definitely don’t forget. It’s not like someone asking me what it’s like will make me suddenly remember I’m missing my arm.

  “What are your plans today, Aidan?” Foster asks as he adjusts his tie.

  “I’m not sure yet.” I shrug, but it feels weird to only shrug one arm, and my shoulder’s still really stiff. “I’ll head to the pool for a while.”

  The swimming pool is what’s keeping me out of physical therapy. Well, not out of it, but lessens it.

  “You need my car?” he asks.

  “Yeah. You can, uh, take mine today if you want.” I love my car. Saved up since I was thirteen, bought it when I turned sixteen, and spent time on the thing almost every day until I left for Afghanistan.

  It’s a 1972 Chevelle Super Sport convertible. Grey with black racing stripes. The car is perfect. After years of scrounging through scrap yards and buffing out every fender, everything on my car is perfect.

  He shifts in his seat. The words right at the edge of his mouth. I know it. Why don’t you sell your car, Aidan? You can’t drive a stick with one arm. Definitely when the arm missing is your right one.

  Why couldn’t I have lost the arm I don’t know how to use?

  I lie on my back and float in the pool. I know this isn’t going to help me get out of physical therapy any faster, but it might keep me out of the shrink’s office.

  The pool is my safe place. No one here knows me as anything but the guy with one arm. They don’t know it just happened. They don’t know I haven’t been this way for years. It seems crazy that I don’t mind being somewhere that my lack of arm is completely on display, but there’s no point in hiding something this obvious.

  I have my stupid shrink visit tomorrow. Recommended counseling. Whatever. Like any one of those guys I go talk to have any idea what it’s like to be walking out in the middle of the desert, in the middle of the night, knowing they’re not alone. Like any of them watched their sergeant get blown up next to them, and felt around in the dark, only to find body parts instead of the real guy.

  That thought sinks me. I blow out my air, and let myself drop to the bottom of the pool. My assignment this week is to think about what I want, and what I don’t want.

  It’s all the same thing right now.

  Sort of.

  I rotate my shoulder a few times forward, and then a few times back before standing up and breaking the surface. My feet push off the bottom and I start a sidestroke. Left side down. The only way I can do it.

  What I want:

  I want to not wake up in the middle of the night in a puddle of my own sweat. It makes me feel like a fucking kid.

  I want to talk about how much it sucks to use one arm, but not to someone who feels bad for me.

  I want to sort all this mess out in my head about Pilot, his death, his family, and what the right thing to do is.

  What I don’t want:

  I don’t want the nightmares anymore.

  I don’t want to remember this forever.

  I don’t want to be without my arm.

  I don’t want to do nothing for the rest of my life.

  I don’t want to be pitied.

  A loud bang and a shriek tense me into a rock, and I spin to face the noise. A kid, crying over a broken balloon on the sidelines as part of a birthday party, and me, ready to fight. I have something else to add to my list:

  I don’t want to panic over things that don’t matter.

  I want to be normal again.

  It all feels impossible.

  “Hey.” My cousin Jen sits next to me on the couch, flipping her long blond hair over her shoulder. She’s a senior this year, and is almost never home. Jen also got all the cool genes in the family. Her twin brother spends a lot of time in the basement with his friends and their games. I don’t even try. You need two thumbs for most of them, and I’m a right-handed guy with a left hand.

  “What’s up?” We’ve hardly spoken since I got here a couple weeks ago.

  “Our big senior picnic—carnival night—is this Friday. I kind of hoped you’d come?”

  No part of this makes sense. I’ve gone out with her and Will two times. Both to the grocery store for my aunt.

  “A high school thing?” High school was a lifetime ago. Two lifetimes ago. But really just over a year.

  “Yeah.” The word is drawn out enough that I know she wants to ask me more. And also that there’s a catch.

  All signs point to me not going along with this.

  “No thanks.” It’s probably just a reason to get me out of the house anyway. I don’t really need to be the guy with one arm back from war. I don’t want to be dragged out of the house because she feels bad for me. I’m just not into it.

  “Okay, look.” She sits sideways and faces me. “I have this best friend—”

  “Kate.” She was probably the sulky girl who sat in her car the other day.

  “Yeah.” She smiles just a tad too wide. “You remember her?”

  “Have I met her? The only person who calls this house is her and your boyfriend Toby. You know with the whole cell-phone loss and all.”

  “Oh. Right.” She looks around.

  There’s something else. I wait for it.

  “Okay, look. She’s a big mopey pile of crap after her boyfriend dumped her.”

  “How does this concern me?” Not to be a total ass, but we’re talking about some ridiculous high school drama that I do not need or want to be in the middle of.

  “Oh, come on. You’re not heartless.”

  “Again, what do you need?” I smile a little because I know I might be coming off a little harsh, and I don’t mean to be. I’ve sort of lost patience with everything this trivial.

  “Just another body. Please? I want to make sure we’re even with girls and guys.”

  “You want me to go on a date with your best friend who’s in high school, whose boyfriend just dumped her, because she’s completely mental over their breakup. Is that right?”

  “Um…” She chews on her lower lip. “Yeah? Only I swear it’s not a date. She totally won’t be interested in you, and…”

  “Wow, thank you.”

  Jen’s already flustered, and now it’s kind of a game to see how much more awkward I can make our conversation.

  “Oh, no.” Her face turns red, and her hands start gesturing at nothing in front of her. “I didn’t mean anything against you. It’s that her and Shelton have been together—”

  “I don’t know.” I shake my head. It all sounds so damn ridiculous.

  “Think about it. Please?”

  “I’ll think about it.”

  Somehow between now and Friday I need to come up with a reason why I can’t go.

  3

  Kate Walker

  “IT’LL BE A NORMAL GROUP thing. I promise.” Jen’s just driving all relaxed like we’re going to go out for a burger or something. Not to a picnic where I know I’ll have to face Shelton and possibly his new girlfriend.

  I check my reflection in the visor mirror again. Ridiculously huge brown bug eyes, tiny chin, limp hair that we spent way too long on to make look curly, and a dress that I normally wouldn’t be caught dead in—a pink T-shirt dress that should probably be worn with leggings underneath it. But losing Shelton has made me reckless. I push up the sleeves of my favorite cropped jacket. “Promise it’s no big deal.”

  “Yay! And then if we see Shelton there, it’ll be fine because there will be a bunch of us. We’re not even riding with them. Will wanted to learn to drive a stick, so Will and Aidan already took off.”

  “Fine.” I let out a breath hoping some of my nerves leave with the air.

  “I still can’t believe Shelton dumped you for a cheerleader.”

  “They’re apparently not dating.” I roll my eyes remembering his look of innocence about the whole thing. But then irritation begins to set in again. “Well, and his whole thing was we’re going to different schools. She’s
going to be in high school again next year. How’s that for different schools?” I spit out.

  “Relax, Kate. Breathe.”

  I pull in a breath through my nose. So much for breathing helping because I’ve done one out, and one in, and I’m still a mess.

  “Oh,” she says as we pull up. “Aidan-is-a-bit-moody-and-lost-anarm-in-Afghanistan.” And then she jumps out of the car.

  What? How can she have a cousin living with her for weeks and I know nothing of this part of it?

  I leap out my side, and then have to smooth the T-shirt fabric of the dress down again to make sure my panties are covered. How did I get talked into this? Wait. “What did you say about arms?”

  “Shh.” Her eyes widen as I come around the front of her car.

  Her gangly brother walks up with the guy who must be Aidan. He has the family blond hair and gorgeous light blue eyes. But he also has broad shoulders shown off by the snugness of his T-shirt. One of his shoulders leads to an arm. The other one does not.

  I know I’m staring, because it’s definitely something I should NOT be staring at. But my brain’s having a hard time wrapping around it. It feels like someone’s erased what should be there.

  “Kate,” she hisses. “You’re staring.”

  “So, what does the other guy look like?” I grin at Aidan, and then realize I don’t know this guy, and it was possibly one of the dumbest things to ever leave my mouth.

  “The guy next to me, or the one who left the bomb?” His face is flat, but his eyes don’t move from mine.

  Silence like a thick blanket threatens to suffocate me.

  Oops.

  A corner of his mouth pulls up. “Teasing.”

  I chuckle this odd nervous little laugh, but both Jennifer and Will are silent, eyes wide.

  “So, this is my cousin, Aidan,” Jen says in this weird shaky voice that makes me know I’ve probably just screwed up, and that she might bring up my big Kate-mouth later.

  “Nice to meet you.” I reach out to shake his hand, but he doesn’t have a right hand. So I stick out my left hand, and then laugh. This crazed nervous laugh thing. Again, like an idiot. “This has got to get old, huh? Bet no one knows which hand to put out.” I smile and realize I might have again totally stepped over a line here.

  “Yeah. I throw everyone off. I really should have asked to lose the other one.” He smirks.

  “Inconsiderate jerks,” I say as we shake. But I’m sort of numb from nerves and hardly feel him, his hand, or the fact that we’re done shaking.

  His smile lessens a bit. And again, I’m stupid. “Something like that, yeah.”

  “So, Jen dragged you to our senior picnic.” I’m flapping my jaws here, and I know when I’m like this I’m bound to say one stupid thing after another, but I can’t help myself. It just comes out. “That sucks for you.”

  Jen flashes me a look, but Toby’s appeared from nowhere and wrapped his arms around her from behind. I can’t take my eyes off of Aidan. There’s a lot there, behind his eyes, his face, something. He’s interesting anyway. Well, and hasn’t run screaming from my idiocy yet.

  “It’s okay.” He shuffles his feet a few times and his eyes dart around.

  “Really? ’Cause I think as soon as I’m done with high school, I’ll never want to go back.”

  He starts to walk behind Jen and Toby, and I follow.

  “Well, I wasn’t going to come.” He leans in. “But Jen said you’d make it worth my time.”

  I freeze, my heart racing. Who is this guy? And I’m going to kill her! “She said what?”

  He chuckles, making these deep dimples in his tanned cheeks. His smiling face is such a contrast to his almost military hair, broad shoulders, and snug T-shirt. Someone as hot as him should be in an Abercrombie catalog or something.

  “I’m kidding. She said that you would definitely be not at all interested, and she wanted even numbers.”

  “Okay. Good. She told me the same thing. It’s just that I’m dating, or was dating—”

  He holds his hand up between us. “None of my business. Doesn’t matter. And she already told me.”

  I let out a breath. “Thanks.” A small breeze hits my legs and sends a shiver through me. I’m so stupid for wearing this dumb dress.

  We’re all walking toward the boardwalk and the impossible-to-win games, and the same rides that have been here for forever. But it’s supposed to feel different tonight because it’s West Valley’s senior night.

  Only it doesn’t feel different, or special, or anything because Shelton and I were looking forward to doing this together. To sneaking down to the lake and making out while our friends pay a fortune to win cheap teddy bears and stuffed pandas.

  Our group has expanded to a few more friends, but I continue to walk in silence. I really shouldn’t have come. Jen and Toby are totally absorbed in each other. Aidan is quiet next to me. His hand in his pocket. Weird. Hand in his pocket. It’s just bizarre to not use hands. Okay, I need to stop thinking about the fact that he only has one arm because it means I’m bound to say something else stupid about it later.

  “Wanna do a ride or something?” he asks.

  I’d love to. But I glance down at the mini-dress I’m wearing. And even though it’s all soft and T-shirty, it’s not going to cover anything on most of the rides. “I don’t do rides.” I really should have put my foot down and opted for short shorts instead. I’m just not being smart.

  I look up, and my heart hits the floor.

  Shelton. Still looking like the token black model for J.Crew. Who wears designer jeans, leather shoes, and a T-shirt that matches his button up to a freaking carnival? Oh. Tamara’s behind him, still in her stupid red, black, and white uniform. Who do they even cheer for this time of year, soccer? And how is it possible that there was nowhere for her to change. Right. She probably wanted to dance around in her uniform all night.

  Gag.

  Shelton’s eyes hit mine long enough that I know he saw me, but he doesn’t react. Just then Tamara screams about something and grabs his arm.

  Pathetic.

  I’m still staring, unable to look somewhere else, and our eyes meet this time. I really shouldn’t have still been watching. His face pulls into something like a smile/frown. I don’t care what I call it. It looks apologetic. Just that simple thing sends a rush of anger through me. But then my eyes float down his arms to his hands, his lean frame. His arms around me. His breath in my hair. The way his lips trailed softly down the side of my neck.

  My body relaxes into the memory until I remember how he totally blind-sided me with our breakup.

  “Who’s that?” Aidan asks.

  “Sorry, what?”

  The guy next to me snaps me back to reality.

  I’m on the side with no arm. At least it’s distracting.

  “Who’s the guy staring at you?”

  He’s staring? That’s good. I whip around, just as Shelton turns away. Maybe he was thinking something like I was. How nice we are together. How warm we are together.

  Tamara sidles up next to him. He smiles down at her, and the way he’s looking at her is the way he used to look at me. Like I was the only girl in the world. My chest caves, and I’m seriously ready to get out of here.

  “Let’s ride the Ferris wheel.” I step around and grab Aidan’s hand, pulling him into line.

  “I thought you didn’t do rides.” His voice is so flat that I have no idea what he’s thinking, or if he’s thinking.

  “Well, Jennifer demanded I wear this ridiculous dress, so yeah. No rides. This seems harmless enough.”

  His eyes flit down my body, and I feel even more naked than before.

  “Ah. The dress is for the guy I’m guessing.”

  Aidan’s smile is friendly and helps me finally take a deep breath in. I didn’t even know I wasn’t really breathing until I give my body air.

  “I don’t know about that guy, Kate,” he teases. “He looks like kind of a wannabe something.”

>   This is exactly what I need right now.

  Aidan elbows me once gently, his soft smile turning to a grin. “Like he’s trying waaay too hard.”

  And I’m still staring at the back of Shelton’s head while Tamara finds any and every excuse to touch him. “He’s neat. I know. But I kind of liked that, you know? And he’s smart. Way smart. He’s off to Princeton.”

  “Wow.” Aidan nods. “That’s a college I’ve heard of.”

  Of course. “Everyone knows Princeton. And…” He has real goals. Good ones. We talked about it. Together. I’m about to get all serious talking to Aidan. And who on earth would want to hear this? “Wait. You don’t go out ’cause of your arm? Aren’t there loads of people out in the world missing arms and legs and using wheelchairs and stuff ?”

  “Doesn’t feel like it.”

  My chest sinks. Yeah, it doesn’t feel like I’m one of millions with diabetes either. I definitely feel like the only high school girl who carries insulin around in her oversized purse.

  Aidan hands over our tickets and reaches his hand out help me on. His hand is rough, strong. Right. Army. And again, hand. Not hands. Hand. It has to be really inconvenient. Actually, the whole thing is probably pretty horrific. No way I’m asking how it happened. I check his profile. Nice nose, the same perpetually tanned skin and dark blond hair as Jen. Soft-looking lips, hint of stubble. Nice. I wonder if he has nightmares about how it happened. Probably shouldn’t ask that either.

  I realize now that we’re pressed next to each other in the seat that it’s kind of personal, close. Right now I’m definitely not in love with the people that have turned this into the one fair ride of romance. At least Aidan’s warm. It’s supposed to be nice out, but in a thin, cotton dress that shows way more leg than I’d ever normally show, I’m freezing. At least I’ve left Shelton behind for a few minutes.

  “What is it with girls and huge bags?” He points to my purse, crammed between my feet and forcing one of my legs to be pressed into his.

  “We just…need our stuff.” Okay. That was totally lame. I should tell him about the pharmacy in my purse. It’s not like it’s that big of a deal. But at the same time, he doesn’t know, and that’s kind of nice because I don’t know anyone who doesn’t know about my health.