When Gabriel jumped off the bed, I rolled over and put my head on Tim’s chest and listened to his heartbeat. I kissed his bare chest and looked up at him. When his eyes opened, he smiled when he saw me staring at him.
“Good morning, beautiful.” He stretched his arms above his head and bent down to kiss me.
“Good morning. I thought you’d never wake up.”
“How long have you been waiting?” He rubbed the sleep from his eyes.
“Oh, I don’t know. A while.”
“You should have woken me up.”
“No, it’s okay. I was watching you sleep and thinking.”
“Oh no, should I be worried?”
“No. I want to have your baby. I want to be a mom.”
“For real? What happened?”
“I had a dream about Gabriel, and I just can’t wait to meet him and to get the chance to have a baby… a family… and share it all with you.”
“Okay. Well, I’m glad you’re so excited. I guess we have some work to do.” He rolled over and hugged me.
“Let’s get up and call them to see…”
“Val, it’s Saturday. I think we’ll have to wait until Monday.”
“Oh… I guess I wasn’t thinking.”
“No, I get it, you’re excited. And so am I. I can’t wait to be a dad, especially with you. You’re going to be a great mom, Val.” He reached over and scratched Gabriel’s head. “And, I guess, you’ll be a good big brother.”
“Do you want to go meet my gram? We can get that out of the way.”
“I have met her.”
“No, not really. She didn’t know it was us then.”
“Good point, but don’t you think she’ll recognize me when she sees me with you?”
“Maybe, but I really want her to get to know you. I know you’ll love her as much as I do.”
“Of course, I will. I know how special she is to you.”
“Maybe she can be my maid of honor.” I giggled at the thought of her walking down the aisle with one of Tim’s friends.
“Yeah, that might be a sweet thing to do.”
“I was kidding. Can you imagine her and one of your cop friends walking arm and arm together?”
“Sure. I think it could work. I bet she’d love you to ask her.”
“I don’t know. I’ll think about it. I just want to make sure she’s there. This is the one thing I don’t want her to miss.”
“I’m glad you’re feeling better today. I guess all you needed was a buzz and a good night's sleep.”
“That’s not all I needed.” I buried my head into his chest.
“Well, that never hurts anything. And think… we can start practicing.”
“Practicing?”
“Yeah, you know… for baby-making.”
“Oh my god, you’re such a dork.” I kissed his chest. “But you’re my dork, and I love you.”
“Thanks, I think.” He laughed as he got up and dressed. “So, when do you want to go?”
“Now? Well, after coffee?”
“Okay. Sounds good to me.” He yawned as he stretched his arms over his head.
I wished Gram didn’t live so far away, now that she was back in my life, I wanted to see her as much as I could, but work and life got in the way. Maybe Tim and I could look for a house closer to her. The thought of living that close to my mom and Chad reminded me why it wasn’t a good idea. There was no way I wanted them near our future children. Jeanine’s offer of taking time off might be just what I need to have the extra time with Gram.
“Do you remember the way?” I asked Tim as we got into the car.
“Yeah, I think so. It’s in the GPS if we get lost.” Tim turned on the radio as “Wildflowers” ended. “This might add to the pleasure of being in my company.”
“I can think of nothing better. You and Tom Petty.”
“Maybe we can get him to come play at our wedding.” Tim put his sunglasses on as he turned his car onto the road.
“Can you imagine? It would be awesome.”
“It would. Maybe you’d settle for a concert?”
“I’ve never seen him live before.”
“Something told me you’d say that. He’s on tour this summer, and a buddy of mine was able to score us some tickets. Front row.”
“Holy shit. For real? I’ll be inches away from him?”
“Well, probably not that close… feet, at least. I’m getting a little worried. Should I bring the Taser?” His laugh filled the car.
“No, I promise I’ll behave. I won’t do anything stupid. I can’t believe you got us front row tickets.”
“Only the best for my future wife.”
“I think you mean fiancé.”
“Nah, I don’t like how that sounds. Future wife has a better ring to it.”
“You can call me whatever you want. Soon, you can leave off the future.”
“I can’t wait.”
As the sun shone in the open, blue sky on our way to Gram’s, I felt like I was stuck in a dream. In such a short period, everything shifted. Life was so different from before, and it seemed like the changes were going to keep coming. This was the way life was supposed to be. “I feel like the Grinch.”
“Like that little angry green guy?”
“Yeah. I feel like my heart has doubled in size since I met you. You’ve given me so much joy in such a short amount of time.”
“All this for Tom Petty tickets?”
“No, but that doesn’t hurt anything.”
When we arrived at Gram’s, I held Tim’s hand as we walked down the path to her door. For a split second, I froze as I imagined opening the door and finding my mom with Gram. I shook the thought out of my mind and continued down the paved walkway.
“You ready to meet your grandmother-in-law?” I squeezed his hand before I rang the doorbell.
Tim smiled and nodded. “I am.”
When I didn’t hear Gram answer, I felt my heart rate increase. Before I allowed the negative thoughts to take over, I turned the doorknob. It was unlocked. I opened it enough to stick my head in. “Gram? Are you there?” She didn’t respond, but the buzz from her TV met my ears. I pulled Tim in through the door and found Gram asleep in her recliner. I found the remote in her lap and turned the TV off. “Gram.”
Her body tensed as she saw me standing over her.
“Gram, it’s Val, I wanted to introduce you to someone.”
“Oh, what a nice surprise. I must have fallen asleep.”
“This is Tim, my fiancé I was telling you about.” Tim reached his hand out for her to shake.
“It’s nice to meet you, Mrs. Cooper.” Tim’s smile was enough to win anyone over.
“Oh, you are handsome.” Gram winked at me.
“I just wanted you two to get to know each other before the wedding.”
Gram smiled as she looked at us, sitting on the couch together. “When is the special day?”
“We don’t have a day picked yet.”
“No? What are you waiting for?”
I couldn’t tell her the real reason we hadn’t picked a date. She didn’t know about Gabriel, and I wasn’t ready to share it with her. It was too much for her to have to deal with. I imagined our wedding day with Gram and Gabriel sitting together, making up my only family. The smile was pushed off my face when I realized I would have to tell her, at least part of the story.
Tim filled the silence. “Val wanted to be sure you’d be there.” He rested his hand on my knee.
“You better hurry up then, I’m not getting any younger.”
“Will you be able to make it?” My question was an attempt to ignore what she had said.
“I wouldn’t miss it for anything.” Her smile warmed me to my core.
“I don’t want Mom to know about this. Will you be able to come without her knowing?”
“I haven’t told her about our visits, but the nurses might report back to her about me being gone, and she might question me about it. I ca
n keep a secret, though.” Her smile pushed up her cheeks.
“Has she been around?” I looked around the apartment to see if there was any sign of her.
“She was here just the other day. She brought some papers for me to sign.” Gram ruffled through a stack of papers on the stand by her chair. “Oh, it’s here, somewhere.”
“Do you know what it was about?” My body temperature increased as I waited for her answer.
“It was something about… oh, I don’t remember, but I think she left a copy here.”
I walked over to help her look. A few menus and a brochure of a nursing home were the only things in the pile. “I don’t see anything here. Are you sure she left it?”
She leaned her head back into her recliner. “I could have sworn she did… but maybe not.”
“What’s this for?” I held up the brochure. “You’re not moving, are you?”
She squinted her eyes to look at what I was holding in front of her. “No, I don’t plan on moving again. I’m not sure where that came from.”
“She’s not trying to put you in a home, is she?” My voice rose with the question. I knew whatever Mom made her sign couldn’t have been good.
“Oh, heavens, no.”
“Why do you have this then?” I shook the brochure in front of her face.
“Val.” Tim’s voice took me out of the rage brewing inside of me. “Why don’t you and your gram talk about the wedding?”
I set the paper down and silently counted to ten as I returned to my seat next to Tim. “We’re not in the planning stages just yet, but I hope you can help me when I’m ready.”
Gram’s smile faded. “Oh, honey, I’m afraid I’m not much help.”
“Don’t be silly, of course, you will be. I’ll need to run some ideas by you, and you can help me just by letting me share this with you.”
“Well, that does sound like something I could do.” Her smile wasn’t enough to hide the age that had crept up on her.
I wasn’t going to let my mom ruin another day. Not today, and not our wedding. I wanted to be sure it would be a day we would always remember. I wouldn’t allow her to take any more away from me. I am stronger than she ever imagined. That alone was enough to fuel the search to find Gabriel. We have a wedding to plan.
Chapter Twelve
Before group, I walked down the hall to Lily’s room to give her another invite. I knocked on the door and waited for an answer. “Hey, Val, who are you looking for?” I felt a hand on my shoulder. When I turned around, I noticed it was Jennifer.
“Oh, hi. I was looking for Lily. She’s still here, isn’t she?”
“No, I thought I left you a message when she was discharged.”
I looked down at my watch. “Oh, I guess I haven’t listened to my messages yet this morning.”
“It was Thursday, last week.”
“Oh… I guess I mustn’t have gotten it. I’ll have to give the IT guy a call.” I felt my cheeks flush as I thought about how many other messages I probably missed. I had noticed the red light but hadn’t gotten around to listening to them yet.
“Is there anything else I can help you with?”
“No, I’m running late for group.”
“That’s a great thing you do in there. I know so many people who could benefit from it.”
“Yeah, I guess we all have some trauma to work through.”
“That we do.” Jennifer gave me a small smile as she looked down at her clipboard.
With a nod and smile, I turned to walk back down the hall.
“Val. How are you holding up?”
“Me?” I pointed to my chest. “I’m doing fine.”
“Really? You seem like something is bothering you… and for good reason. Remember to give yourself time to grieve, too. I know I have a hard time when I lose clients.”
“You forget, I’m the social worker of death.” I laughed. “Thank you for your concern. It means a lot.”
With a fake smile, she watched me walk down the hall. Nice Val. This was why I didn’t have friends. I always seemed to forget not everyone had my dark sense of humor. Cracking an inappropriate joke helped assure I wouldn’t have to feel. Coping mechanism 101.
In the conference room, Maggie, Norma, Sonya, and Lily were waiting for me. “Sorry, I’m late. I need to just get the t-shirt, save myself from always apologizing.”
“No need to apologize. We were just getting to know each other.” Norma’s smile brought me back to the talk we had the other day.
“Thanks for taking such good care of our new member. I told you these ladies were great.” I turned to smile at Lily. Her face was still discolored from the beating. “I was actually in your room to see if you wanted to join us. I didn’t know you were released.”
Lily smiled back at me. “Yeah, I’ve been home for a few days now.”
“How’s being home going?” I asked.
“It’s been hard. I’m afraid of every noise. I lock my doors, and check to make sure about fifty times a day.”
“Don’t forget the windows.” Sonya proudly added.
“Yes, those, too. I’m just so exhausted, but I can’t sleep.” Lily pushed her hair behind her ear.
“I remember feeling like that.” Maggie turned her head to look at Lily. “It does get a little easier, but it never goes away.”
“Wow, great pep talk Maggie.” Sonya rolled her eyes.
“No, she’s right.” My response surprised me. “After all these years, I still look over my shoulder and check the locks on my doors. Now that I think about it, I guess I haven’t checked the window locks in a while… but she’s right, it never really goes away.”
“I’m not unfamiliar with being afraid. I’ve been with Earl for years. This wasn’t the first time he’s hurt me.”
“His name is Earl?” Norma smiled. “As in Goodbye Earl?”
“What are you even talking about?” A disgusted look planted on Sonya’s face.
Lily laughed. “Yeah, just like that.”
Norma nodded her head and smiled. “It’s a great song.”
“Yeah, it’s pretty funny. I laugh every time I hear it and think about my own version of it.”
“There’s a song called Goodbye Earl?” Sonya pulled out her phone and focused her attention on the screen. “Who’s it by?”
“The Dixie Chicks.” Norma and Lily answered in unison, followed by laughter.
“Is this it?” Sonya held her phone up as the song played.
We sat in our circle and listened to the song together, all able to relate to the lyrics. We each had our own Earl, at least one we could imagine getting rid of. As the song filled the room, I felt our bond grow even stronger. We all wanted our abusers to pay for what they did to us. We could take our power back when we extinguished theirs.
Sonya danced in her seat as the song ended. “How have I never heard this before? It’s great. Goodbye Earl… and Jimmy.” She raised her hand in the air. “And Hank. Anyone else? Val’s piece of shit mom and her husband. Norma, you got any names to add?”
Norma smiled. “I just loved it the first time I heard it. It’s just so… I don’t know… powerful.”
“I didn’t think you liked violence. I seem to remember you trying to talk me out of wanting to kill Hank.” Sonya raised her eyebrows and looked at Norma.
“Oh, dear, it’s just a song. It didn’t really happen. It’s just got a great beat to it.”
“Norma’s right, we can’t go around killing everyone who ever wronged us.” Maggie looked over at me for approval.
“Thanks for playing the song for us, Sonya. I’d like to use the rest of our time talking if anyone wants to start.” I looked around the circle.
“You’re such a buzz kill, Val.” Sonya slipped her phone back into her purse.
“Oh, be nice, you girls.” Norma looked around the circle. “Remember, we have our new guest, and we want her to come back.”
“Sorry, Lily, it’s not usually this…”
/> “Fun? Sure it is. We can have a good time and talk about trauma. I think it’s in the handbook.” Sonya smirked after she interrupted me.
“Nice Sonya.” I rolled my eyes and shook my head. “Lily, did you want to share today? No pressure.”
“I wasn’t going to, but you’ve all made me feel so welcome.” She looked around the room and gave us a half smile. “Well, obviously, you can see my face is all messed up. That was courtesy of Earl.” She pulled up her shirt sleeves. “These, too.” She pointed to the bruises. “He wasn’t always a jerk. In the beginning, he was the perfect gentleman. He’d bring me flowers, sing me songs… you know, all the stuff you see on TV.”
“They all start off good. Couldn’t get us where they want us if they were always assholes.” Sonya crossed her arms against her chest.
“Yeah, you’re probably right.” Lily pulled out a tissue. “I loved him. I thought I would spend the rest of my life with him. When he started drinking, he changed. He’s the meanest drunk I know. With just a few beers, he’s a totally different guy. It began with him calling me names.
“First, I’m a fat ass, and when it didn’t get the reaction he was looking for, he called me a whore. That one really hurt. It’s my trigger word. The one that would always get a reaction out of me.”
“Why that word?” Sonya tilted her head to wait for an answer.
“Because I was a virgin when we met. He was my first and only. He was the whore, the one who slept with more women than I can count. It felt like he was making fun of me for not being able to find anyone else.”
“Makes sense. My word is perfect. He loved to rub it in my face when I screwed up. Taunt me with the word, because I could never measure up to it. I didn’t know other people had trigger words.” Sonya looked up at Lily.
“Me, either.” Lily smiled as she and Sonya connected. “Anyway, the name-calling escalated to threats. He threatened to kill me, and all my family if I didn’t bring him home beer, or if I didn’t suck his… I ah… mean… wouldn’t have sex with him, or if I ever told anyone about what he was doing. I didn’t stop loving him, though. I just thought if I did better, he’d stop. It seemed like the harder I tried, the worse it got.
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