Lethal Takeout

by Ehsani, Vered

  “Rules?”

  “Oh yes, those. Rules. One of those unspoken rules. Nasty things.” He shuddered.

  “You have it?” CEO Perkins asked softly, his voice thick and oily.

  “Yeah, sure, boss. Here.” Trench Coat slipped a plastic bag out of his pocket and slid it along the counter, still staring straight ahead at the street.

  “What is it?” Shadow asked, his eyes closed like he was about to take a nap on the counter.

  “Monosodium glutamate,” I read out.

  “In English.”

  “MSG.”

  “That’s what they add to Chinese food to make it taste great, right?” Shadow asked and yawned.

  “Yup.”

  CEO Perkins tore a corner off the plastic bag of MSG and poured some into his juice, which he then stirred. He slurped a sip and sighed. “Much better.”

  “Hey, boss, maybe you should watch the MSG.”

  CEO Perkins’ lips twisted into a disdainful sneer. “Studies have shown MSG to be perfectly safe.”

  “Yeah, boss, but I don’t think those studies were adding the amount you add.”

  CEO Perkins took another sip, set the glass down firmly and changed the topic. He murmured, “There was a stain on my carpet this morning.”

  Trench Coat whispered back in an irritating nasally voice, “Wasn’t us, boss. We were off duty.”

  “Idiot,” CEO Perkins said, glancing to each side as he did, even though there was no one around, not counting the ghosts of course. “I don’t mean that kind of stain. There was sweet and sour sauce near the garbage can.”

  Trench Coat had a blank look on his face, like someone had just unplugged the hard drive. Then again, Shadow didn’t look much more enlightened and I was trying to guess which sweet and sour dish CEO Perkins was more likely to order: the pork or the fish. I was going with the fish, because that’s what sharks eat.

  CEO Perkins sighed wearily. I smiled grimly, figuring that my former boss was not too happy about having to deal with someone of such lowly status. If CEO Perkins was the shark, than Trench Coat was a small crab scavenging near the bottom of the food chain.

  CEO Perkins would never talk with a bottom feeder.

  “The stain was in the shape of a footprint,” CEO Perkins said, glaring at the carrot juice.

  “Oh.”

  “And it happened after we left Sunday evening and before Monday morning.”

  “Who…?”

  “There was only one other person who could have, and would have, been on the floor during that time.” CEO Perkins watched Trench Coat with a bored expression.

  “Um…” was as far as the guy could go.

  “The janitor, of course.”

  “Oh. Of course.”

  CEO Perkins looked like he wanted to smack someone’s forehead, and it wasn’t his own. “You reassured me that everything had been tidied up.”

  “Yeah, boss, it was. I don’t know how that one…”

  “I don’t care how. She was snooping around my office. I can’t take a risk. Just deal with it.” He pushed the money and a folded piece of paper over. “Try not to screw this up.”

  “Where’ll you be?”

  “At a business dinner. Being busy.” With that, CEO Perkins chugged down a few gulps of the carrot juice with a grimace, and stalked out.

  Shadow frowned at the remaining juice and wiggled his shoes through it. “Well, that’s a bit of a waste.”

  “And kind of irrelevant,” I said. I peered over Trench Coat’s shoulder, watching as the guy pulled out his cellphone, opened the paper and texted the information scribbled there.

  “Hey, that address looks familiar,” Shadow mused, easing into a vertical position and leaning his elbows through the paper and the counter while cradling his chin on his clasped hands.

  “It’s the apartment building where Lee lives,” I said. If Trench Coat could’ve seen me, he’d have been looking into two slits of stony grey eyes sending him to hell.

  “Let me guess,” Shadow said while floating up to the ceiling. “Lee worked the Sunday shift.”

  “Yup.”

  “We better go warn her.”

  I didn’t respond. Trench Coat stood while bringing up something that had been on his lap: a black cowboy hat.

  “Let me change that guess,” Shadow said, one eyebrow rising up. “You want to follow the cowboy.”

  “Yup.”

  “And you want me to warn Lee.”

  “And find Faye,” I told him. “We might need her help.”

  Shadow groaned. “Why do you get all the fun?”

  Breaking Habits

  Trench Coat gulped down the coffee and left the empty cup on the counter. Pulling the black cowboy hat down low over his face and slouching his shoulders some more, he walked outside where he flagged down a taxi. It took him a while to do that. Maybe it was because it was rush hour and the light shower had turned into pouring rain. Maybe it was the unfashionable cowboy hat that made the taxi drivers avoid him in order to pick up more stylish passengers instead. Even a taxi driver has an image to maintain.

  Eventually though, a taxi did swerve to the curb, straight through a murky puddle. Dirty drops splattered over the trench coat and the cowboy softly cursed the driver before getting in. I slid alongside and visually drilled a hole through the cowboy’s head the whole way; unfortunately, no actual hole was produced, although the cowboy did scratch his head several times.

  The ride was slow, way slower than flying. The taxi rolled along congested streets, dodged swarms of pedestrians and idled for most of the time at red lights and four-way stops. I fiddled and fumed, even though I knew nothing could happen to Lee yet. And by this time, I figured Shadow must’ve found her and warned her, so she wouldn’t even be there when the cowboy showed up. Finally we entered the quieter, narrow cul-de-sac where Lee lived.

  “Here’s fine,” Trench Coat Cowboy said. The taxi slammed to a stop with a wet squeal of tyres. The cowboy almost flattened his face on the seat in front of him.

  “That’s what happens when you don’t wear a seatbelt,” I said with grim satisfaction, wishing that I had enough poltergeist power to hit the guy’s face myself.

  Oblivious, Trench Coat tossed money at the driver and got out. He quickly walked along the short, dead-end street until he was right across from the apartment building. There was someone already there. Actually, there were two people, but the cowboy could only see one: the other cowboy.

  “What took you guys so long?” Shadow demanded as the two cowboys shared information.

  “Traffic. So?”

  “She’s not there, Axe. Maybe she’s already left for work.”

  “It’s a bit early. Unless…” My eyes widened as I thought where she could be. “I gotta get over to the office right now.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I think Lee has gone there to break into Perkins’s files.”

  Shadow hooted with delight. “Right on, Lily Chan.”

  I narrowed my eyes as the cowboys came to a similar conclusion. “She won’t be able to. The file cabinet is stronger than a bank vault. I have to warn her before these goons get there.”

  “And me?”

  “Did you find Faye?”

  Shadow smiled, looking relieved. “No. DD, Faye and Bob were all out. I did see Timmy though and asked him to give them the message. If he can remember it.” His expression didn’t look hopeful on that front.

  “Let’s go.”

  “You... ah… You’re going to try flying?”

  “Yup. Let’s fly.”

  “Oookay.”

  While I can’t say that I zoomed along like a ghostly Superman without the cape, I did go faster than previous attempts and definitely faster than the taxi the cowboys finally flagged down, and that’s the important part. When Shadow and I reached the high-rise where the office was located, we floated through the lobby, darting around, and occasionally through a few people who had not been lucky enough to escape their off
ices earlier.

  “By the way,” Shadow mentioned as someone ran through him, “why didn’t we just fly up to the window from the outside and slide in that way? It would’ve been a lot less… invasive.”

  I scratched my head while dodging someone I recognised. “Guess after three years of working in this place, I’m just doing what I always do.” I stepped aside to let a woman pass me and added, “Habits are harder to kill than people.”

  So following the habit from three years of working in that building, I led Shadow through the lobby, and through a few people, and slid into an elevator that had just spewed out its human contents. We watched the numbers flicker as the elevator ascended.

  “Ready,” I warned as we approached my floor without any hint that the elevator was slowing down. “Now.”

  We pushed through the closed door and the concrete wall of the elevator shaft, into the quiet, murky office of Perkins & Co. Grey clouds and the nearby mountains had long since obscured the day’s last rays. The patter of raindrops was the only sound, apart from the distant rumble of traffic. Puddles of watery light from outside sources pooled near the windows, but didn’t penetrate very far.

  “Cheerful place to work,” Shadow said dryly. “You know, cemeteries at night are far more lively. We should really hang out together in the cemetery where you’re buried. You’d love it.”

  “Yeah, right up there with getting murdered.”

  “Exactly.” He grinned.

  “You. Are. Weird,” I said.

  Shadow snickered. “Why, thank you. And you’re very tony. Open your mind, Axe. Cemeteries are awesome.”

  “Whatever. Let’s just find Lee before she ends up in one and misses her retirement party. She’d be pretty ticked about that.”

  “But not about dying?”

  I shrugged as we moved through the office. “She’s pretty okay about that. Figures we all gotta do it someday. Although being murdered probably wouldn’t be up there on her list of favourite ways to die.”

  “She’s got a list like that?” Shadow whistled appreciatively as he poked his head through a closed door into a small office. “She’s cooler than…” He glanced back and saw my expression. “Oh, you were pulling my leg, eh?”

  “Kinda. She won’t be hanging around in these offices. Down here.” I led the way to CEO Perkins’ office. The door was ajar and a small ball of light bobbed in and out of view.

  “Lee,” I called as I flowed inside.

  “Bloody hell,” Lee shrieked, dropping her flashlight and almost knocking herself out with a rod she had in her other hand.

  “No joke!” Shadow added and gestured to the back of the office. “There’s a bloody deathmark in the room. Axe, did you know…?”

  Lee glared at us as she retrieved her flashlight. “For Pete’s sake, I already told you there was. It doesn’t move too far from that corner though.”

  “What happened to the sensor lights?” I asked, glancing around the dark office.

  “I deactivated them,” Lee said, looking like she wanted to do the same to me. “What’re you doing here, apart from trying to scare me into a premature death?”

  “My noble friend and I are trying to prevent that very same premature death,” Shadow said grandly, with a dramatic bow and hand waving at the end.

  “Huh?”

  I shook my head. “You’ve been hanging out with Bob too much. Lee, the Three Cowboys are on their way over. Perkins knows you were here last night and he sent them to… ah… give you an early retirement.”

  “Three Cowboys? I thought there were only two,” Lee said, frowning.

  I stared at her with my eyebrows making ‘are you kidding’ squiggle lines. “Two, three, doesn’t make much difference. Because it only takes one of them to kill you.”

  “Good point. And then I’d miss my own retirement party.”

  Shadow clucked in sympathy. “And we can’t have that. Shall we?” He gestured towards the door.

  “First, I want to see if I can get that audit,” Lee said. She waved the crow bar at me. It was a stout piece of dangerous looking metal, and I bet it wouldn’t make much difference.

  “Lee, that’s one tough piece of furniture,” I told her as she applied the end of the bar to one of the drawers of the cabinet, trying to wedge it open. “And those cowboys are gonna be here pretty quick.”

  “Just… One… Minute…” Lee wheezed as she put her whole weight onto the bar. Her face went red.

  “Did you hear that?” Shadow whispered loudly, holding up a hand as if to stop everything and at that moment, Lee’s hands slipped.

  Lee slid to the floor and one of her feet knocked against the porcelain dog. The statue’s head smacked sharply against the wall, broke off and rolled to the side. Meanwhile, the crow bar slashed through Shadow and speared the tall ceramic vase with the delicate Chinese patterns on it. The vase rocked backwards, crunching its top part against the wall as if to match the beheaded dog sulking in the opposite corner. Cracks appeared around the hole made by the bar and the vase imploded in a noisy cascade of ceramic shards. A puff of white dust briefly fluttered up and faded away.

  Silence.

  We stared at the mound of powdery bits that had once been an expensive vase. Even the deathmark had stopped its frothing and spinning to watch the spectacle.

  “That went well,” I said after a moment of stunned disbelief.

  “You know,” Shadow mused as he studied the mess, “it’s not as bad as it looks.”

  Lee scowled as she scooped up her flashlight, stood up shakily and shone the light over the disintegrated vase. “It’s worse, way worse. Oh, for Pete’s sake…”

  “Who’s Pete?” Shadow quietly asked me.

  “Don’t know,” I said, already planning where Lee could run away to until we either replaced the vase or found something serious to use against CEO Perkins. I eyed the crow bar thoughtfully. “Just leave it, Lee. No point trying to clean it up now. We gotta get you…”

  The door opened.

  Two cowboys entered the office. Trench Coat flicked on the lights and grimaced when he saw the smashed ceramic. “The boss sure is going to be pissed when he sees that.”

  “Ms. Lily Chan?” asked the other cowboy politely as he casually pulled back his open jacket to reveal a gun strapped to his side.

  Shadow snickered and pointed to the cowboy’s shoes. “The guy’s wearing sneakers. What kind of cowboy wears sneakers? And they’re red! What a goof.”

  Lee nodded, blinking against the bright glare.

  “Please come with us,” Sneakers the cowboy said in a soothing voice, not realising that a ghost was insulting his red shoes. “CEO Perkins would like to meet with you.”

  “And my mother is Queen Elizabeth the first,” Shadow said.

  “Really?” Lee asked.

  “No,” Shadow said while Sneakers nodded his head.

  “Don’t go, Lee,” I ordered.

  “I can’t really refuse,” she said.

  “It’s best not to,” Sneakers agreed and he gestured for her to go ahead through the door.

  “And no more breaking things,” said Trench Coat, still shaking his head over the vase.

  “Not to worry,” Lee reassured him. “I’ll leave that to the poltergeist.”

  “Blast it all, you know I’m not that good yet,” I grumbled.

  “Sweet,” Shadow said, his dark eyes glowing and his white teeth flashing against his dark skin. “You’re learning to be a poltergeist? Now why didn’t I think of that? It’s such a great idea.”

  “I think maybe not,” Sneakers said, eyeing Lee with a confused expression.

  “Don’t you believe in ghosts?” Lee asked, smiling brightly.

  “Ah… no,” Sneakers said, his hand going back under his jacket.

  “There’s two following you right now,” Lee said in her sweetest voice, while Shadow nodded and pointed at himself.

  Trench Coat looked around as they entered the corridor. “That’s freaky.”


  “Ask them who died in the office,” I shouted after them. I hovered over the crow bar, focusing all my thoughts and energy on moving it, like Faye had taught me. So far, the only thing moving was the dust as it settled.

  “Just out of curiosity,” Lee asked, “who died in CEO Perkins’ office?”

  “How’d you know…?” Trench Coat gasped.

  “No one,” Sneakers said, but it came out more like a growl.

  “But I can see the person’s mark jumping around in the corner by the floor lamp,” Lee said in a matter-of-fact tone.

  Trench Coat blanched. “That’s where…”

  “…nothing happened.” Sneakers was as red as his shoes, while Trench Coat was white-faced.

  “Lee,” Shadow said as he floated beside her and pointed downwards. “You might want to bend over right about now.”

  “Okay. Why?” she asked, leaning down and squinting in the dim light.

  At that moment, a crow bar went flying through the air and smacked Sneakers in the back of the head.

  “Now you should run,” Shadow continued mildly.

  “Don’t run,” Trench Coat shouted while he pulled Sneakers up.

  “Who…?” Sneakers spluttered as he rubbed the back of his head with one hand and pulled out his gun with the other.

  “I told you there were ghosts,” Lee called back as she ran round the corner and past a line of glass-walled offices on one side and secretary desks on the other.

  Shadow and I zipped along beside her.

  “Axe, you look pale,” Shadow said. “I mean, paler than usual.”

  “Being a poltergeist… not as easy… as it looks,” I wheezed out.

  As we passed the reception area, a small potted plant that was perched primly on the desk exploded in bits of pottery, clumps of dirt, shreds of green and a loud bang that sounded suspiciously like a gun being fired.

  “Not in here, you idiot,” screamed Sneakers.

  “I agree,” Shadow yelled at them. “Just look at this mess.”

  “Lee, you don’t have time to wait for an elevator,” I said. “Head for the stairs.”

  “You mean the ones we already passed?” Shadow asked, looking around with a bemused expression.

  “Blast it all.”

  Shadow turned to Lee as she crouched behind the receptionist desk, about to make a dash for the next corridor. “Hey, you’re Chinese. Aren’t you supposed to know Kung Fu or something useful like that?”