• Do the two of you only go on dates inside his crypt (apartment or manor)?
• Does he only want to see you when he’s overindulged on blood?
• Is your undead adored angered by talk of an immortal future together?
• Have you been kept in the dark about your loved one’s past life and kept at bay from his associates?
• Have you ever been scared (in a bad way) for your safety around your undead mate?
REPEAT RELATIONSHIPS
Catch your vampire calling you by the wrong name? Or have they ever brought up a past event you shared that you don’t remember, or couldn’t have possibly been alive to witness? Time to do your research. There’s a good chance that your beloved isn’t dating you, but rather the shell of their former love.
It’s creepily commonplace for vampires to repeat relationships if you just so happen to be the reincarnated body of their long-lost love. These repeat offenders normally keep dusty old portraits or a locket hidden somewhere in their abode. If you find an image of a person who looks just like you at the old-timey photo booth, you’re being repeated.
The film Fright Night has a particularly gruesome oil painting of character Amy that illustrates this point beautifully. But take solace in the fact that you’re in good company. Prince Mamuwalde from Blacula lost his Luva in 1780 but found Tina, who he believed to be her reincarnation in the 1970s. Granted she got turned into a vampire and they both died, but there could have been some fun times in between all the stalkings. Other repeat relationships include Francis Ford Coppola’s adaptation of Bram Stoker’s Dracula, which added an entire love affair between Drac and Mina Murray, whom he believed to be his reincarnated wife Elisabeta. The brothers in The Vampire Diaries fight over Elena mainly because she looks like their old vampire flame (and maker) Katherine. Steamy vampire Alex from Tale of a Vampire moons over Ann who reminds him (and another immortal stalker) of his long-lost Virginia. Even the adorable George Hamilton version of Count Dracula is victim to repeat dating when he woos a NYC model who reminds him of his first love.
If this particular problem is happening to you, address the issue head-on. Find out if they’re dating you merely for your physical similarities to their long-gone lover. Be prepared for the worst, because nine out of ten times, the answer will be yes. If so, it’s probably best to terminate the relationship before they sire you in fear of losing their first love all over again.
If you answered “yes” to two or more of these questions, you’re most likely partaking in an unhealthy vampire relationship, or dating a vampire jerk, or even worse, a Villain (especially if you’re losing time and hearing his voice in your head). You should strongly consider alternative options for dating (werewolves are uncommonly loyal). If you answered “no” to all of the questions, make sure to keep these scenarios in the back of your mind as possible warning signs that you’re on a dangerous path. But take some comfort in the fact that you may have found one of the rare “good egg” vampire anomalies. Hopefully your relationship will make it through the cravings, mood swings, and outdoor issues (but never forget that you’re dealing with a blood addict).
2. Know What’s on the Menu
This should really go without saying, but do not date a non-vegan vamp. If you feel comfortable sharing your life with someone who has no qualms about murder, then maybe you shouldn’t be in a relationship after all. In fact, you shouldn’t really be out and about in the world. You put your own life and everyone around you at risk when you condone this type of behavior. Just saying.
Although plenty of vampires don’t need to kill to feed, that still doesn’t mean they’re safe. Think of it this way: You wouldn’t keep a pet in the house that sometimes bites hard enough to draw blood (whether or not you believe it can restrain itself). Despite what you think, this isn’t just about you and your safety; it’s best to stick to the vampires who refuse to drink from an actual person. Synthetic blood, blood banks, and animal blood are all fine substitutes for the real thing, no matter how much the partaker complains. (Certain exemptions can be made for sexual encounters, depending on the type of vampire and your own willingness to allow them a little nibble; see the section on setting boundaries later in this chapter.)
Even with the vegan vampires, you’re taking great liberties with your own life as well as the lives of those around you. Everyone makes mistakes, but you certainly don’t want to expose your family, friends, and pets to the possibility of getting drained.
3. Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner?
Another point of caution you should take under consideration while dating a vampire isn’t just your beloved’s diet, but his friends’ needs as well. It’s almost inevitable that your vampire love will put you in the presence of other vampires; this can be both a positive and dangerously negative situation as well.
Whether your darling is a stand-up member of the undead club or not, your paths will invariably cross with both good and bad vampires. Be it a Saturday night gang of buddies ready to throw back a warm A-positive beverage, or a past foe out to settle a score from the Civil War, you will have to deal with other vampire dietary issues and attitudes.
Not all vampires are human-friendly, and when dating a vampire you will meet both humans and vamps who will look down on your union. You need to be prepared for both sets of prejudices.
Set the rules early; for example, no vampires who kill should ever be invited into your abode, poker night or not. Also do not attempt to win over your lover’s buddies on your own; make sure that if you’re in the presence of other members of the immortal world, your significant other is always present. Don’t be afraid to ask him to consider letting old ties to bad vampires go. But approach this request in a mature and calm manner to avoid a fight: “I’m afraid so-and-so wants to eat me” is a pretty direct way to handle it. If he puts up a fuss, then perhaps this isn’t the vampire for you.
DEALING WITH THE EX
It’s inevitable your vampire is going to have an Ex. But, unlike most relationships, the vampire emotional baggage regarding past loves is a lot heavier on the soul. Chances are, their Ex is dead or undead. If they’ve passed on, consider yourself lucky because the latter is even more difficult to deal with.
Got a new lover with a long-gone mortal family? Deal with it as you would deal with any sensitive subject with a human. However, if they murdered their Ex in a fit of rage or bloodlust, you’ll be dealing with a lot more residual guilt. First, make sure they’ve learned how to keep their rage issues in check—you don’t want to be next on the list of whoopsies. Second, talk about it. Don’t let it sit in the closet decaying like your lover’s last meal. Bring it out into the open and deal with the grief together, then move on.
Should you be dating a vampire with Ex vampire lovers, good luck. Here are a few safety rules: Never pick a fight with their Ex; he or she will murder you in a second. Never sign on for a bonding boys’ night or ladies’ night with an Ex, no matter how much your lover may consider it to be fun for you. Remember, they may have left their Ex to wean themselves away from bad habits, like eating humans, so watch yourself. Finally, think how someone who will live forever might feel if their forever love left them for what was commonly considered a snack? Most likely, the vampire Ex is planning a fatal “accident” for you.
As far as humans who are anti-vampire love, be wary as well. You’re breaking new ground should you choose to take your love public, and you need to be ready for possibly rude questions from other mortals. The best way to get around uncomfortable situations is to introduce your undead friend to those who are confused, and let them make their minds up for themselves. Be patient, but do not tolerate vampiric slander or violence. You may find that you too may also have to give up a few members of your friend circle if they go off into the deep end of aggressive and abusive vampire hate.
4. Set Boundaries
Before you hop into the coffin with a member of the vampiric race, make sure you lay out the ground rules. Setting appropriate and mutually
respected boundaries could save your mortal life.
Just as you would with any mate, make sure the vamp knows the deal-breaker moves during intimate moments. In the heat of the moment, when the lights go down and the fangs come out, make sure you and your undead partner are both aware of what is acceptable behavior. Setting the rules ahead of time avoids uncomfortable and possibly lethal “accidents.”
For instance, if you’re planning on incorporating a little nibbling in the bedroom, know the level of lethal vampire venom your significant other holds in his system. Some kinds of vampires only need to break the skin and the slightest bit of venom will begin the turning process. If this is the case for your vampire, fang play should be off limits unless you use a retainer-like fang guard. Think of it as a vampire prophylactic.76
5. Become Vampire Correct
Certain attitudes and actions in your life will need to be tweaked a bit if you want your vampiric love relationship to last. Learn the difference between slanderous vampire slang and cute pop culture terms. Check out the glossary in the back as a reference guide. Also, rid yourself of silver jewelry and gratuitous religious symbols. Although the Mark of Cain vampires are rare these days, they still exist, and they’re not particularly fond of religious paraphernalia. This doesn’t mean you can’t continue with your religious practice; you just need to be mindful of actions that could potentially harm your mate. This particular type of vampire is most vulnerable to these ancient traditions, so it’s best you remove from your home objects that physically cause pain to your vampire. Sit down with your vamp and talk openly about offensive or dangerous items you may be holding in your house; decide together what should be kept and what should be removed. Remember, you wouldn’t leave offensive material on display in your home for a human guest; a respected vampire should be treated the same. Get educated on what is and isn’t offensive, and keep it in mind as it applies to your daily routine.77
The pop culture TV series True Blood (based on the Sookie Stackhouse book series) isn’t far off with its Hollywood representations of the high tension that exists between vampire rights groups and antivampire activist groups. Both the Fellowship of the Sun (antivampire) and the American Vampire League (provampire) are interesting examples of some of the many underground organizations out there in the real world. Granted, the vampire’s supernatural struggle isn’t playing out on the television for the world to see, but it’s still as intense and heated a debate as ever.
Know the hot-button issues for your vampire mate, be they tension within his own echelon of government or the neighborhood watch. He will appreciate the effort you put in, and the time and care you invest in this area will allow the two of you to function as a couple without other issues getting in the way.
6. Be Explicitly Honest
Never forget that you are dating someone with immense powers and the ability to take action against mere mortals, including you, with a flick of a pale wrist. A vampire in love is a dangerous thing if you are not clear and concise with all of your intentions and interactions.
For example, imagine the guilt you’ll feel when you wake up to discover that your old junior high bully has been mysteriously dropped from the top of a tall building, but not before losing copious amounts of blood. Why is your old bully deceased? Because the night before, you got tipsy with your vampire beloved and drunkenly shared how mean and nasty the bully was to you back in the day, before admitting that you’d like nothing more than to see him served a plate of cold justice. A vampire, someone who has wavering respect for the fragile mortal condition, could easily take that as a sign or hint. Even if he doesn’t think you implied murder, he could consider it an act of passion: the ultimate gift.
In order to prevent murderous misunderstandings, it’s imperative that you be completely clear with your intentions, even when spoken in jest. Make sure to make it known that when you say things to the tune of “I wish he could be dangled off the Empire State Building by his ankles,” your vampire doesn’t run off to go surprise the unsuspecting subject of your ire.
7. Give and Take
If you’re dating a vamp, you’re going to have to give up some of your sunny days in trade for a healthy relationship. Sure, you could attempt to keep your vampire partner awake in the day and out of the harsh and skin-charring sunlight (if he happens to be a non-sun-friendly type). But forcing a nocturnal species to live in the day is both cruel and unusual. In fact, it could even be dangerous for you, as prolonged daytime exposure can be directly related to a vampire’s moods and behavior. The longer you keep a vamp awake, the hungrier he’s going to get. And you don’t want a vampire snapping at you.
Sacrifices must be made in order to keep both sides happy. Rotate nights versus days, and make sure you both get out of the house on some nights. Just because it’s dark doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy the night. Try looking for late-night spots as a surprise for your undead other. It will show him that you’re not completely dependent on him to carry the evening part of this relationship.
Also it’s important to be receptive to experiences that may normally seem strange or foreign to a human. You probably never had a fang-gasm before either, but wasn’t that worth the risk of trying something new? Be open to new experiences that are safe with your vampire.
Something needs to be said about respecting each other’s space as well. As you get to know one another there will be a lot of uncomfortable moments you’ll both need to work through. Until then, if your vamp’s eyes go completely black, his forehead rumples, veins pop up on his cheeks, or you witness any other type of vampire adrenaline reaction, make sure to give your vamp the space he needs to feed in private.
HIGH SCHOOL VAMPIRES
It’s impossible to discuss pop culture vampires and not discuss the sudden influx of vampires attending high school. Now that the stigma surrounding vampires and sunlight has been revealed to be false for plenty of bloodlines, it’s allowed some vampires to live a more “normal” existence.
Still one has to be suspect of the motivations of all these ancient and aged minds desiring to repeat basic algebra. Most vampires we read about popping up in high schools are hundreds of years old. What’s the real appeal there?
And how do you reconcile the general creepiness of the vampire’s actual age next to the sixteen-year-olds they’re in class with and falling in love with? (Edward, Stefan, we’re looking at you guys.) At least the TV series Vampire High separated the vampires from the mortals in their own private underground boarding school. Still many pop-lit vampires are flooding the high schools, from Vamped and Blue Bloods to High School Bites. Institutions like the House of Night from Marked, where marked young vampires are sent to learn about their new powers or die, seem a bit more realistic. And yet these hundred-year-old vampires can’t seem to get enough of the public education system.
Still, there are vampires that get sent to high school that age. The lamia vamps from L. J. Smith’s Night World novels can get older just like humans. This particular bloodline of vampires is born into vampirism. They grow and age but have the ability to stop the aging process whenever they see fit, which is a nice trick for them. But if a lamia has stopped the aging process and then later decides he would like to start it up again, he will age rapidly to his real physical age. Another vampire similar to the lamias is the half-human vampires from My Best Friend Is a Vampire, who age (if bitten but not killed and brought back to life), but at an incredibly slow pace compared to the rest of the world.
8. Never Drop Your Guard
Even if the two of you pinky-swore over a coffin to love and cherish each other all the immortal days of your life, there’s no getting around the fact that you’re hitched up to something that feeds on humans. Make no mistake: Things can go wrong, and you could end up on the business end of a fang.
You may consider it a sign of weakness in your relationship, but you should be prepared to defend yourself against even your most dearly loved vampire friends at all times. It’s the safest th
ing for you and those around you. Like it or not, precautionary steps are an important part of securing your happiness. If you are educated and prepared for a possible vampiric slipup, you’ll know what to do in the event your lover takes a toothy dive at your little sister. Imagine if you weren’t prepared: You could be out a sister and a lover.
Keep a makeshift vampire kit in your bedside table or somewhere else nearby. Yes, you will probably catch hell if he discovers it, but just say your jerk uncle gave it to you and you haven’t had a chance to throw it away yet. The contents should simply be anything that will repel a raging hunger attack. Consider holy water, a cross, garlic, wolfsbane, or a bit of salt—having a variety of contents on hand helps increase the odds that at least one will work against your vamp.78
VAMPIRE SELF-DEFENSE 101
In a worst-case scenario it’s important to know just how to defend yourself against the fang. We’ve already covered specific deflection tactics for various vampire classifications. But here is a list of general need-to-know defense tactics. Though we’ve said it before, we feel we should say it again: These are to be used as defense only; leave the assault and offensive moves to the professionals.
Your Most Vulnerable Areas
Get familiar with all of the most vulnerable points on your body. It should be no surprise that these are all major arteries and veins. Take note of these areas, and do your best to keep them protected from prying canines.
The Jugular
This vein runs down along the side of your neck. If this throbbing artery is pierced, you’re in big trouble. The jugular connects directly to the heart and maintains a strong flow of blood between that muscular organ and the brain. It’s the superhighway to your blood, and few people can even stand up straight if their jugular has been tapped, let alone ward off an attack, so keep it protected.
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