The Ulnar Artery
The ulnar artery is a commonly accessed point of entry for both vampire friend and foe. Whenever you see a vampire bite into his own skin to share his blood, it’s from this artery in the wrist. This attack is often done under the guise of friendship. So be careful when offering your hand to a nosferatu; you’re only a few digits away from a problem artery.
The Median Cubital Vein
The median cubital vein is the big blue line running down the inner side of your arm. Although not as dangerous an attack point as opening up the jugular, it’s still a problem if a vampire gets his fangs in there.
The Great Saphenous Vein
This is perhaps the most scandalous of weaknesses, as it’s located in the inner thigh of the victim. A professed favorite of many vampires, as it is perfectly positioned on the highest part of the inner thigh, it’s a veritable keg tap to a human’s circulatory system. But in order to allow a vampire to get there . . . well, we don’t need to tell you that. This particular vein should be looked after during romantic affairs, be they of the “one night” variety or more long-term.
Defense Moves
Although it would be great to tell you that everyone should keep a trunk of crossbows, hatchets, and stakes in their living room, Buffy Summers-style, the reality is we cannot condone unauthorized use of weapons. There’s no such thing as a close call when a human has been accidentally impaled by a wooden stake. Our advice: Leave the big guns to the trained slayers and Dhampirs. But you should know a few easy moves to help get you out of a vampire entanglement.
Yell First
You’ve got a better chance of escape when approached by a vampire if you yell for help. Not scream, yell. Think of all the times you’ve heard someone scream and wrote it off as people fooling around; that person could have been eaten by a vampire, and you wouldn’t have even known. Yell clearly and loudly, “Help!” or “Fire!”—anything that will draw quick attention to you, as vampires hate a crowd and a sticky situation. Chances are he’ll let you go and try to pick off a quieter snack. Don’t yell out “Vampire!” because you’ll most likely receive laughter instead of aid. The rest of the world is in the dark.
Hit Them with Your Best Shot
Although we strongly suggest yelling first, should you need to go on the offense, we suggest hitting them where it hurts. Vampire genitalia (in almost all cases, minus a few Guillermo del Toro beasties) will respond to both positive and negative touch. Whack ’em dead center where it counts and bolt. Don’t stick around to watch what happens. The next best spots for a strike are the eyes, nose, and throat, but as a vampire’s body no longer functions like that of a human, the chance of real damage is slim.
Run Like Hell
Run toward a crowded, well-lit area. This doesn’t mean a creepy boulevard; shoot for popular venues, like a Starbucks packed to the brim with people. Remember that a commotion can be used in your favor to scare off an undead attacker.
WHAT TO DO IN THE EVENT OF A VAMPIRE UPRISING
Although the probability of all the vampire kinds uniting is slim (vampires are notoriously solitary folk unless in a gang [see Chapter 7]), the occasional vampire uprising has been happening since the ancient days. Even today, you can see clippings of small vampire skirmishes where bold undead minds have tried to take over a community center or even a town.79 As long as there are evil vampires, there will always be plans to overthrow humankind. However, the world-domination ambitions of evil vamps are usually kept in check by professional hunters and, more often than not, their own kind.
Vampires know that the world needs humankind, but that it’s about maintaining a balance. As of right now, vampires lack the technology to wipe out the human race completely, so thankfully, as long as they continue to need our blood, we’re safe, in a manner of speaking. Plus, what are the fangers stuck in the night supposed to do during the day? You need someone around to take care of this planet in the light.
But if a vampire revolution were to take place, you should hope you’ve been kind to the nosferatu who respect the balance of nature. Because you’re going to need them to protect you from hell on Earth.
Consider an all-out vampire revolution akin to a nuclear crisis. There isn’t a safe place to turn, so it’s best to lie low in a sealed-from-the-inside bunker and wait it out. Honestly, you’re no match for a vampire army, and if you’re around if the good vamps lose, you should be so lucky as to be used as mere food.
The best idea is to gather as many supplies as possible, find a bomb shelter, and close it in around you. And for goodness’ sake, check everyone’s pulse before closing the door.
GLOSSARY
A full list of vampire slang, lingo, and ancient terms so you’ll be able to translate even the oldest language of vampirekind.
autovampirism The act of drinking one’s own blood; this act will not, however, sustain a hungry vampire.
awakening The first time a vampire comes to grips with his new senses, abilities, and vampire state. It usually happens moments after the vampire has been turned completely and is conscious.
Big Bad A commonly used term from Joss Whedon’s Buffy the Vampire Slayer signifying an evil being, particularly a higher-up evil being who presents a great threat to humanity. The master would be considered a Big Bad, but not one of his many minions.
blood bond The act of ingesting a vampire’s blood and letting him drink yours as well. This builds a bond between vampire and human, often allowing the vamp to know what you’re feeling or thinking at any given time. It’s very intense and should be created only with a trusted vampire, because you’ll be giving him a complete pass to your thoughts. The blood bond is commonly referenced in the Southern Vampire Mysteries but is prevalent throughout vampire media.
blood play The sexual act of drawing blood for pleasure; it can be considered a fetish among humans, but for vampires it’s just getting a little hot and heavy.
the cocktail A collection of pills, shots, or serums that keep a Halfie’s vampire virus in check. It will not cure the vampire virus but can keep it under control.
day driver A human or supernatural creature that can walk in the day and chauffeur its vampire master around. Must own car.
Dhampir A half-vampire/half-human who was born into his state, not bitten. The Dhampirs have been around for years, and Gypsy lore has them as some of the first vampire slayers. This trend continues in popular vampire culture today. Another commonly used term is Dunpeal. Inappropriate and slanderous labels of this kind are Half-Breed and Half-Blood.
donor A willing and walking blood bank for vampires. A human kept around “just in case” the vampires need her veins. A donor can also be saved if she has truly unique blood and tasting it is more of an act of pleasure and enjoyment, like a wine tasting, rather than a feeding. Virginal blood is rumored to be one of the finest blood vintages, and some vampires believe it restores their youth. This term also has a negative meaning in some vampire circles and can be used sarcastically for those forced to give up their own blood.
elder An ancient and influential member of a vampire bloodline. Usually a controlling member of that bloodline’s government who has the final say on vampire debates and disputes.
fangbanger A person who is sexually promiscuous with vampires; not a kind term.
fang-gasm The act of reaching full sexual stimulation with a vampire. This term is also used for people who reach full sexual stimulation from a vampire bite.
fangophile Someone who is obsessed with the vampire culture, people, heritage, and species as a whole.
fang slip The often inadvertent act of fang presentation when a vampire is sexually stimulated, excited, angry, or hungry.
fledgling A term used by a sire or maker for his vampire children.
glamour The vampire ability to alter a human’s memory. This phrase was more commonly used in Wiccan practice, but the Southern Vampire Mysteries series has claimed it for vampires now as well.
goons A slanderou
s term for vampires, originating in John Carpenter’s Vampires.
maker A vampire who has created another vampire will take on this title. Some bloodlines have limited power over those they have sired. There is an inherited level of respect and position given to the maker from his “children,” though it’s up to the kids if they follow this social vampire etiquette. Sometimes also called Master, Mother, Father, or Creator.
nest A habitat where more than one vampire lives.
Nudger Created in the Twilight series, unborn Dhampirs are now starting to be referred to as “Nudger,” the nickname Bella gave her child in the final book by Stephenie Meyer.
sanguine An ancient term for vampire or blood drinker.
sire Another label for a vampire who turns a mortal into a vampire. It can also be used as a verb: sired or siring.
S.V.F. Sexy Vampire Forehead, a nickname created by Joss Whedon’s Harmony Kendall, the high school student from Sunnydale turned vampire, turned secretary, turned reality TV star in Joss Whedon’s Buffy the Vampire Slayer comic series. In Season 8, Issue 21, “Harmonic Divergence,” Harm finally gives a title to the rumpled forehead Whedon’s vampires have been sporting for years whenever they are feeling the bloodlust. Granted, the “editors” of Harmony’s new reality TV series in the comic were guessing that this was what she was implying.
turning The actual act of transforming from human to vampire. A fully formed vampire who has undergone his awakening can also be referred to as turned.
vegan A vampire who does not feast on live human blood. There’s a fairly large debate over whether vampires who drink harvested blood (not forcibly taken but donated) should be considered vegan vampires. Right now the lines are blurred, but a vegan vampire is normally a vampire who doesn’t drink human blood at all. Instead they feed on animals.
venom The serum in vampires’ saliva, teeth, or blood that allows them to transform humans into vampires once it’s introduced into a human’s circulatory system.
the virus Whatever element the vampire bloodline contains that changes humans into immortals. It can be mutated T cells, red blood cells, or an actual virus that attacks the human body—the term is a general one.
Whedonesque/Whedonverse Used to describe something from the mind of Joss Whedon, creator of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
RESOURCES
Ashley, Leonard, RN. The Complete Book of Vampires. New York: Barricade Books, 1998.
Barber, Paul. Vampires, Burial and Death: Folklore and Reality. New York: Yale University Press, 1988.
Karg, Barb, Arjean Spaite, and Rick Sutherland. The Everything Vampire Book. Avon, MA: Adams Media, 2009.
Melton, J. Gordon. The Vampire Book: The Encyclopedia of the Undead. Canton, MI: Visible Ink Press, 1999.
Ramsland, Katherine. The Science of Vampires. New York: Berkley Boulevard, 2002.
Stevenson, Jay. The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Vampires. New York: Alpha Books, 2009.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
This book is dedicated to the family and friends who dealt with my strange occult obsessions as a child. Thanks for never hesitating to purchase the latest set of plastic fangs. To my editors, Meg Leder and Jeanettte Shaw: Thank you for your faith and support. To the pop culture vampires who changed the world: Béla Lugosi, Barnabas Collins, Spike, even that shiny Edward fellow. And finally, to all the people who pause when walking by a dark corner, linger just a second longer past a cemetery, and daydream about a vampire enrolling in your school: May you safely encounter a vampire all your own.
INDEX
Page numbers in italic represent illustrations.
Abel
abilities of vampires
Adam
Akasha, Vampire Chronicles
Alex, Tale of a Vampire
Alexa Charon, Changeling
Alicia, Cold Hearts
Alucard, Hellsing
American Vampire League
Amilyn, Buffy the Vampire Slayer (movie)
Angel
Angel, Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Angelus, Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Animal Vampire
Anita Blake
Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter series
Anointed One, (Collin), Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Armand, Vampire Chronicles
attack warning signs
autovampirism
awakening
Barnabas Collins, Dark Shadows
Baron Blood, Captain America
Báthory, Elizabeth
Beckinsale, Kate
Being Human
Bella Swan, Twilight series
Beowulf
Big Bad
Bill Compton, Southern Vampire Mysteries
Black Dagger Brotherhood
Blacula
Blade
Blade
Blade: Trinity
Blade II,
Blood & Donuts
blood bond
Blood for Dracula
blood play
Blood Ties
Blue Bloods
brain, the
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
comic series
Bunnicula
Butler, Gerard
Cain
Caleb Colton, Near Dark
Carlisle Cullen, Twilight
Carmilla, Lesbian Vampire Killers
Carpathians
Chandler, Helen
Charlotte, Blade series
Child Vampires (Hemophage iuvenus)
behavior of
being approached by
habitat of
known specimens of
just a kid
sweet little things
wild child
young face, old mind
physical features/identifiers of
general
skin
unseen abilities of
warning signs of
“Christabel,”
Cirque du Freak
clans. See tribes, clans, covens, and clutches
Claudia, Vampire Chronicles
Club Vampire
clutches. See tribes, clans, covens, and clutches
cocktail
examples of
Cold Hearts
Coleridge, Samuel Taylor
comedic outlet
Connor, Angel
Coppola, Francis Ford
Corri, Club Vampire
Count Dracula
Countess, Once Bitten
Countess Dracula
Countess Marya Zaleska, Dracula’s Daughter
Count Orlok, Nosferatu
Count von Krolock, Fearless Vampire Killers
Count Yorga, Count Yorga, Vampire
covens. See tribes, clans, covens, and clutches
Craven, Wes
Cronenberg, David
Cym, Forsaken
Danica Talos, Blade: Trinity
Daniel Molloy
Danny Glick, Salem’s Lot
Darla, Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Darren Shan, Saga of Darren Shan
Daughters of Darkness
David, Lost Boys
day driver
Deacon Frost, Blade
Dead Until Dark
Deane, Hamilton
del Toro, Guillermo
detectives
Dhampir
Diamondback, Near Dark
Dimitri Belikov, Vampire Academy
Divia, Forever Knight
donor
Dorina Basarab, Midnight’s Daughter
Dracula
Blood for Dracula
brides of, Van Helsing
Dracula
Dracula (novel)
Dracula: Dead and Loving It
Dracula, Vampire Chronicles
Dracula 2000 (Craven)
Dracula Has Risen
Drake, Blade: Trinity
Dresden Files, The
drugs and vampires
Drusilla, Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Dunst, Kirsten
&
nbsp; Dwight Renfield, Night Flier
Eclipse
Eddie Fender, Last Vampire 2: Black Blood
Edward Cullen, Twilight series
elder
Eli, Child Vampire
Let the Right One In
Eli Damaskinos, Blade II,
elite organizations
Eric Northman, Southern Vampire Mysteries
Esme Cullen, Twilight
Eva, Lesbian Vampire Killers
Eve
Everhart, Angie
“Evil” Ed Thompson, Fright Night
evil henchperson, how to identify
eye candy
eyes of vampires
colors of
exes
familiars
fangbanger
fang buds
fang-gasm
Vampire Taxonomy Page 12