Razor Wire

by Lauren Gallagher

  But if there was even the slightest silver lining to any of this, then I was grateful.

  She turned her head, and I almost dropped my menu. She raised her eyebrows. “You okay?”

  “Yeah. Yeah, I . . .” Was staring at you because— “I’m good. Just zoned out a bit.”

  She smiled faintly. “I can’t blame you. And if I nod off here at the table, don’t take it personally.”

  I laughed. “Does that mean I have to drive back?”

  “We’ll see. But once I get a Red Bull or two in me, I’ll be fine. I’m just a bit jet-lagged.”

  “Did you at least get some sleep on the plane?”

  Reese nodded. “God, I love cargo jets. Nothing like being able to stretch out across the seats.”

  “Right? And the noise from the engines drowns out everything else. If it wasn’t so damned cold, it would be perfect.”

  She shrugged. “I packed a blanket. I was good.”

  “Smart.”

  “You didn’t?”

  “No, no, I did. But there was a family on my flight who’d obviously never flown cargo class before.”

  “Ouch.”

  “Yeah.”

  Our eyes met, and I was sure an awkward What the hell do we say now? silence was about to set in, but the waitress picked that exact moment to materialize beside us.

  “Have you had a chance to decide?” she asked.

  “Um . . .” I glanced at the menu and realized I’d been so wrapped up in Reese, not a single item had registered. “Go ahead. I just need a second.”

  While Reese ordered, I quickly scanned the menu. Damn, all the fancy tropical drinks sounded ridiculously tempting. Getting drunk and stupid sounded even better.

  But I settled on a virgin mai tai. After the waitress had gone away to get our orders, I shook my head. “I don’t know why I didn’t just order a real one. Seems kind of stupid, doesn’t it? Worrying about alcohol when I’m . . .” I couldn’t even finish the thought.

  “No, it doesn’t.”

  I swallowed. “But the only reason I wouldn’t is because I’m pregnant. And after tomorrow . . .”

  She winced and pursed her lips.

  I played with the edge of the tablecloth. “If you’re thinking something, just say it.”

  She met my gaze but still hesitated. Then she leaned forward, folding her hands on the table. “Listen, I’m here to support you. You’re getting pulled in a hundred directions, and you have a ton on your plate. I don’t want to add to that.”

  I raised my eyebrow. “But . . .?”

  “But I’m also worried about you. And about how you’re handling everything. Especially tomorrow.”

  “I don’t even know. I’ve just kind of been going through the motions because I don’t know what else to do.” I exhaled, hard. “To tell you the truth, I don’t know what I’m doing. I’ve been a fucking wreck since the night it happened, and after that test turned positive . . .”

  “I think anybody would be. Under both circumstances.” She swallowed. “I’m not going to try to talk you out of it. It’s your call. But at least promise me this is your call. Your choice. Not his.”

  I lowered my gaze.

  “Kim . . .”

  Rubbing the back of my neck, I sighed heavily. “I don’t know what else to do. Like I said before, I can’t put the baby up for adoption without his consent.”

  She swore under her breath.

  I lifted my gaze. “All I can do now is get the abortion and then report the assault and hope to God it doesn’t get swept under the rug.”

  “Damn.” She pinched the bridge of her nose, then lowered her hand. “And so we’re clear, I’m not judging you. I just hate the fact that he’s making the call.”

  I scowled. “He’s made all the decisions from the start.”

  “I know. And none of them are his to make.”

  “So what do you think I should do?”

  Reese was quiet for a moment, then sighed. “I don’t know. I really wish I had an alternative for you.”

  “Me too.”

  And once again, the waitress’s timing was perfect. She set our plates and drinks down in front of us, and Reese and I shook off the uncomfortable conversation in favor of enjoying our meal.

  There was something kind of strange about sitting out here, having a nice dinner above the beach just hours before . . . before go time. Like I should’ve been holed up in the cold motel room, freaking out instead of letting the sun warm my shoulders while I ate with Reese.

  I was terrified. I was trapped. I was hurting, and tomorrow, I’d be hurting physically, too.

  But at least I wasn’t alone.

  We were in no hurry, but eventually, as the sun was getting lower in the clear sky, the waitress took our empty plates and left us with nearly dry drinks.

  Kim drained her glass and set it down. “Should we head back to the hotel?”

  I sighed. Tomorrow was going to start early. Might as well let her get as much sleep as she could. “Yeah, I guess.”

  Her features tightened, and she gazed out at the ocean again.

  “We don’t have to yet.” I gestured down at the stretch of white sand, where only a few people still lingered. “We could go wander around on the beach for a little while. Looks like the tourists have mostly cleared out.”

  She seemed to ponder the idea for a moment. Then she shook some tension out of her shoulders and managed a slight smile. “That sounds really good. Let’s go.”

  We split the bill, paid, and headed down to the beach.

  A few steps in, Kim stopped. “Damn it.”

  “What?”

  “Sand.” She laughed as she took off her sandal. “You know how people write personal ads and say they love long walks on the beach?” She shook out the sand. “I think most of those people have never actually taken a long walk on the beach.”

  I laughed, too. “Don’t you like it, though?”

  “Of course.” She took off her other sandal and shook the sand off it. “But I hate sand in my shoes.”

  “Yeah, me too.” I toed off my own sandals. “Screw it. I’m going barefoot.”

  “Good idea.” She looked around. “This isn’t one of those beaches with broken glass and stuff on it, is it?”

  “Better not be.”

  “Eh.” She shrugged and hooked her fingers in the straps of her sandals. “I’ve had a tetanus shot.”

  “Me too. And if there’s anthrax on anything, I’m good to go.”

  Kim laughed. Like, really laughed. “I knew those bastard shots would pay off eventually!”

  I snorted. “Or maybe the ads should use that as a slogan: Come to Waikiki—you won’t even need the anthrax shot!”

  She smothered a giggle. “Oh yeah. That would get people here in droves.”

  “You never know. People visit places for the weirdest reasons.”

  Her amusement suddenly vanished, and my heart dropped.

  “I . . . That’s not what I meant.”

  “I know.” She sighed and watched the tide rolling in. “One of these days, I would like to come back here just for a vacation.”

  “Yeah, me too. Someday, I’m going to hike Diamond Head.” I nodded toward the huge rock formation in the distance. “I only had a couple of days when my ship came into Pearl Harbor.”

  “Maybe next time.” She glanced at me. “We could always come back in a few months.”

  “Really? I mean, yeah. I’d love to. Isn’t like it costs much to get here from Okinawa if we take a military flight.”

  “Then let’s do it. Ditch the command for a little while and go up there.” She gestured at Diamond Head. “The view must be incredible.”

  “No kidding. Have you ever been up on the castles on Okinawa?”

  “No. I’ve driven past Katsuren, but I haven’t been to any of them.”

  “Oh, you’re missing out. The views are just spectacular.”

  “Yeah? Which one’s your favorite?”

  W
e continued down the beach, shoes in hand and warm wind in our hair, chatting about the places we’d visited—or wanted to visit—on Okinawa. All the while, I couldn’t help stealing the odd glance at her. This was a side of Kim I’d never seen before. She was hours away from something I couldn’t imagine going through, but she was relaxed right now, smiling and strolling down a beach with her sandals dangling from her fingers.

  Even as we walked and talked, guilt gnawed at me for how I’d felt about her before. She wasn’t one of the women who gave military women a bad name. It was men like Stanton and his ilk who gave us a bad name.

  And Stanton, that son of a bitch, had put her in this situation and left her with few, if any, options. I wished she would cancel tomorrow, but it wasn’t my choice to make. Even if Stanton had made it for her, that didn’t make it my place to step in and tell her not to go through with it.

  Especially since I still couldn’t offer any alternatives. Stanton had her cornered, and he had our entire chain of command in his back pocket. With as much as he had to lose, I had no doubt he’d fight tooth and claw to make sure any action she took blew up in her face. Even if it only came out that Stanton had fathered her baby, regardless of whether it was consensual, he could be strung up for adultery, fraternization, and conduct unbecoming an officer and a gentleman. His career—and likely his marriage—would be over. There was no way in hell he’d let this destroy his life like that, and he had far more power and influence than Kim did.

  She needed an ally with more clout than an MA2, and I couldn’t find one for her. Stanton had his lips firmly around the dick of everyone above him, and everyone below him had their lips around his.

  Even Alejandro. I cringed. There were times when I’d thought about telling him about what had happened to me, but after hearing him the other day . . .

  There weren’t many feelings worse than knowing you’d just lost one of your closest, most trusted allies.

  But we didn’t need to think about that or anything else tonight. Not with tomorrow creeping up way too fast and only a few hours between now and then for Kim to catch her breath and relax.

  After we’d walked for a little while, Kim stopped. “I, um . . .” She faced me. “I wanted to say thanks, Reese. For coming out here.” Her smile was slow to form, but when it did it was warm. “It really means a lot.”

  I returned the smile, trying not to get distracted by the way the setting sun played in her eyes and her dark hair. “You’re welcome.” I wrapped my arms around her. “And I promise, I’ll be here for everything.”

  “Thank you.”

  I closed my eyes and held her tighter. “I know it doesn’t seem like it right now, but it does get easier.”

  She hugged me back. “When?”

  I swallowed, holding her tighter. “It just takes time. One day you wake up, and it doesn’t own you quite as much as it did the day before.”

  “I thought I was getting better.” She sighed heavily. “Then I missed my period, and . . .”

  “I know.” I stroked her hair. “I just wish there was more I could do.”

  She rested her head against my shoulder. “You’ve done way more than I could have asked anyone to.” Kim raised her head, pulled back, and met my eyes. Hers were wet, but her smile was genuine. “I’m serious. I can’t even tell you how much that means.”

  I smiled and brushed a few strands of windblown hair out of her face. “Nobody should have to go through anything like this alone.”

  Her expression turned more serious, her forehead creasing as she searched my eyes. “You did.”

  I flinched. “Doesn’t mean you should.”

  “Thank you.” She hugged me again, and I held her tight.

  Goddamn, I hated not being able to shield her from all of this. I could tell her it got easier—and it did, slightly and slowly. I could make sure she was safe and taken care of tomorrow—and I would.

  But Stanton had still raped her. Short of going back in time, there was no erasing this from her life.

  I am so sorry you have to hurt like this, Kim.

  After a moment, she wiped her eyes. “It’s getting late. I guess we should get to the room.”

  I nodded. “Yeah. Let’s go.”

  I kept an arm around her shoulders as we slowly headed toward the car. Tomorrow was going to be hell, and there was nothing I could do about that.

  But at least she’d had this evening.

  There was only one other time in my life when I could remember my heart beating this hard. Ironically, it was the night I’d gotten pregnant in the first place.

  I didn’t bother trying to read a magazine. Sometimes I stared at the TV screen beside the receptionist’s desk, but the news was on and it was depressing as always.

  I glanced up, and my stomach flipped over. The clock on the wall had to be wrong. Was my appointment really in five minutes?

  No, four minutes.

  Oh fuck.

  I closed my eyes and took a few slow, deep breaths. Within the hour, I’d be under sedation, and when I woke up, this would all be over.

  Right?

  Except the physical recovery. And going back to Okinawa. And facing Stanton again.

  It’s done, I could hear myself saying.

  Good. Now we can forget this ever happened.

  But I couldn’t forget. Any of it. Not that night. Not the threats in his office.

  Not . . . this.

  A nurse appeared in the doorway. “Ms. Lockhoff?”

  No turning back now. I stood and glanced at Reese. To the nurse, I said, “Can she come in with me?”

  “Of course. She can stay with you while we’re taking your vitals and prepping you for surgery.”

  My stomach lurched. Surgery. Fuck. Maybe I should’ve gone with the chemical version. I could’ve taken a pill and been done with it. Well, aside from the pain and recovery, but those were guaranteed either way. Somehow, when I’d scheduled this, the surgical option had been more appealing because I could be oblivious for the worst part. I hadn’t considered how I’d feel walking back to pre-op, my legs shaking so bad I wasn’t sure I could keep them under me. Reese stayed close, and with every step I had to stop myself from grabbing her arm and begging her to take me away from this place.

  The nurse pushed open the exam-room door and gestured for me to go in. Reese took a seat. I eyed the exam table, which was more like a chair, sitting semi-upright.

  “Sit right here, Ms. Lockhoff.” The nurse patted the tissue paper–covered table-chair. “I’m just going to take your vitals, and then we’ll have you change into a gown so we can get an IV started.”

  Oh God.

  Stomach roiling and heart pounding, I sat on the edge of the chair while she wrote something in my chart. I caught Reese’s eye, and she gave a reassuring, if slight, smile. I tried to return it, but as the nurse put her pen aside and turned to me again, I had to focus on not getting sick or passing out.

  Was I really doing this?

  I swallowed hard, and I felt Stanton’s hand on my neck again, his thumb across my windpipe. Just get it done.

  The nurse was talking to me, telling me what she was about to do, what would happen between now and the anesthesia kicking in. At least, that was what I thought she was saying. I nodded, answering automatically, but the only voice I heard was Stanton’s.

  If I’m the father, then I have paternal rights.

  And I promise you, if you decide to nuke my life and career with this kid and this “rape” bullshit—

  The nurse put a plastic ID bracelet around my wrist.

  —I will exercise every one of those rights.

  She slid a blood pressure cuff onto my arm, and as it constricted, I gripped the table’s edge, focusing on that instead of the sensation of someone holding on to me. My arm, my throat . . .

  Get it done, MA3.

  The edges of my vision darkened, and the room shifted.

  The nurse’s hands appeared on my shoulders. “You okay, honey?”
<
br />   “I just . . .” I shouldn’t be here. “Got a little dizzy.”

  “That happens sometimes. Let’s have you lie back a bit.” She gestured behind me. “Just relax, honey.” She moved her hand from my shoulder to my arm and pushed gently to guide me back against—

  I was in the reclined passenger seat again. Streetlamps. Dashboard lights. Fingers digging into my arm. Someone shoving my skirt up to my hip.

  “Just relax,” a voice that might’ve been the nurse’s and might’ve been Stanton’s echoed in my ears. “Lie back.”

  Fighting didn’t do any good against hands that strong. I couldn’t get enough air. The world was spinning. I couldn’t breathe. Where the fuck was I? In the car? In an exam room? Was that a dome light or a fluorescent? Where the—

  “Kim.” Reese’s voice startled me back to the exam room. She cupped my face. “Look at me, Kim.”

  I blinked a few times until I focused on her and grabbed her wrist because I needed to touch her and be sure she was really there.

  “Kim, you’re safe.” She stroked my hair with her other hand. “You’re in the clinic. On Oahu. You’re safe.”

  A shudder went through me, and I sank back against the half-reclined table. Cold water surged through my veins. My hand shook as I released Reese’s wrist, and I tried to just breathe.

  “You with me, Kim?”

  I nodded. When had my whole body started shaking like this?

  Reese turned her head. “Can we have a minute?”

  “Sure. Of course.”The nurse? Where had she come from? “I’ll be right outside.”

  “Thank you.” Reese faced me again. “Just breathe.”

  “I need to—”

  “Breathe,” she whispered. “You don’t have to do anything until you’re ready. Give yourself some time to come back down.”

  “What the hell happened?”

  She stroked my face with soft fingertips. “I think you had a flashback.”

  I licked my dry lips. “God. I did.” The tissue paper crinkled under me as I let my head rest on the pillow. “Jesus . . .”

  She took my hand. “Has it passed?”

  “I think so.” I turned toward her. “Do they happen to you?”

  Reese nodded. “Not so much anymore, but . . . yeah.” Her thumb ran back and forth along mine. “They’re terrifying, I know.”