She tilted her head. “You’re tense.” Her eyebrow arched. “Kind of like you were when you . . .”
I released my breath. “Just mentally debriefing, I guess.”
“Mentally debriefing?” Her brow furrowed. “How so?”
“I . . .” I chewed my lip. “To be honest, I hadn’t really thought about what it would be like to go there again. Being in bed with someone, I mean.”
“I know the feeling. But . . . it was good, right? It wasn’t—”
“Everything was perfect.” I lifted my head and kissed her lightly. “The only problems were”—I tapped my temple—“in here.”
Kim’s lips tightened. “So it doesn’t go away?”
“I don’t know if it does or not. I really don’t.” I squeezed her hand. “I wish I could say it does, but . . .”
She nodded.
“It’s totally different with you versus with them, but it’s . . .”
“You’re still vulnerable.”
“Yeah.” I brought her hand up and pressed my lips to the backs of her fingers. “Makes it hard to . . .” I laughed humorlessly. “Well, let’s just say that was the longest dry spell I’ve ever had.”
“Really?”
“Oh yeah. The first couple of years after I enlisted, I fucked any girl that moved within a hundred-mile radius of whatever base or port I was at. And in high school, I definitely got around. Guys and girls.”
Kim propped herself up on her arm. “You’re bi?”
“No. I was still figuring myself out back then.” I paused, gazing up at the ceiling. “You know what’s kind of weird?”
“Hmm?”
“I haven’t been interested in men since I was seventeen, but ever since I was assaulted in Afghanistan”—I turned to her—“I’ve thought about it.”
“What do you mean?”
“Maybe it would be different if I’d never been with a guy before. But ever since Afghanistan, it’s hard for me to remember what it was like to be with a guy and not be afraid of him. And on some really weird level, I’ve wanted to spend a night with a man again just to put that to rest.” I shook my head. “It sounds ridiculous, I know. I’m not attracted to guys, I just want to go back to thinking, This isn’t my thing, but it’s not horrible, you know?”
“I don’t think it’s ridiculous. Anything to clear out the poison.”
“Yes, exactly.”
She brushed a few strands of hair out of my face. “Well, this has helped me, too.” She laughed softly, almost playfully. “And I’ll bet money my dry spell was longer than yours.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah, it’s been . . .” Her eyes lost focus for a few seconds. “Four years, I think?”
“No kidding?”
“Ironic, isn’t it?” Her lips quirked. “Everyone thinks I’m a whore, but I’ve only been with three girls. And no guys. I mean, except—”
“No guys,” I said. “If it wasn’t consensual, it doesn’t count.”
“Thank fuck for that,” she muttered. “But yeah, all I ever had was a couple of girlfriends when I was a teenager. Didn’t really date much because I was too busy with school.”
“Really?”
Kim nodded. “I was kind of obsessive about my grades.”
I raised my eyebrows. “Were you?”
“Oh yeah. I wanted to join the Navy, and I didn’t want to wind up in some shit job. So I was stacking the deck.”
“I’m surprised you didn’t go to the Academy.”
She smiled shyly. “I wanted to be a cop.”
“Funny.” I laughed. “I always swore I’d never date a cop.”
“Well, I said I’d never date another Sailor.”
I smoothed her hair. “I don’t see why we can’t do this, though. We obviously click.”
“We should probably keep it quiet at work.”
“Definitely. Knowing the jackwagons running our command, they’d find a way to hem us up for fraternization.” I rolled my eyes. “They tried to do that with a couple of second classes last year. They made one the ‘supervisor’ over the other, then tried to get them in trouble for fraternizing because they hung out on the weekends.”
“Oh, I fucking dare Stanton to try to nail anyone for fraternization,” Kim growled.
“Seriously.”
She held my gaze. “And, uh, I swear, this wasn’t what I had in mind when I pinged you on Skype.”
“It wasn’t what I had in mind when I came here.” I caressed her face. “But it’s definitely a silver lining.”
“Yeah, it is.”
I smoothed her hair. “And just so we’re clear, I am so sorry for being a bitch when you first came to the command. I should’ve known better. God knows I know how hard it is to be yourself in this environment.”
“It’s okay.” She shrugged. “The only thing you had to go by was what I showed you.”
“Still. I shouldn’t have . . .”
“It’s done. Don’t worry about it.” She trailed her fingers up and down my arm. “The hardest part is I don’t know which makes people think less of me: when I’m the cold bitch or when I’m the party girl.” She met my eyes. “We can’t win, you know?”
“No, we can’t. And we have to do whatever it takes to protect ourselves.”
“But how the hell are we supposed to know how to protect ourselves without it backfiring?”
“I wish I knew.” Stroking her cheek, I added, “But at least we’re both safe here tonight.”
Her smile was slow to form, but it did materialize, and she moved closer to me. “This is the safest I’ve felt in a while, to be honest.”
“Me too.” I kissed her forehead. “We have to go back to that bullshit eventually, but . . .”
She raised her chin and brushed my lips with hers. “But not tonight.”
“No.” I wrapped my arms around her. “Not tonight.”
I couldn’t remember the last time I’d woken up tangled in someone else’s limbs, and I’d forgotten how much I loved it. As the daylight poked in between the burlap curtains, I didn’t want to move. I was seriously tempted to just lie there all day, my skin touching Reese’s, and not do a damned thing that required getting out of this bed.
But at a little past eight, the alarm on Reese’s phone chirped. She grumbled something—I couldn’t quite understand it, but knowing her it was probably obscene—and reached for the bedside table to shut off the noise.
I thought she’d roll over and go back to sleep. Who sets an alarm on vacation, anyway? But she sat up and stretched.
“Come back to bed,” I murmured.
“I would.” She leaned down and kissed my temple. “But I need to go for a run.”
“We’re on vacation.”
“I know. Still . . .”
“Overachiever.”
She laughed, kissed me again, and got out of bed. “I’ll be back in a bit.”
“I’ll be here.”
After she left, I debated going back to sleep, but I was already awake, so I sat up. Damn it, why were my muscles so stiff? I expected to be tired and achy after fooling around with Reese for most of the night, but this was different. This wasn’t fatigue. Everything was tense. Knotted.
Oh.
Right.
Because this wasn’t over yet.
Sighing, I kneaded my shoulder. Maybe a hot shower would help. Couldn’t hurt, anyway.
In the shower, I flattened my palms against the cracked tile wall, closed my eyes, and let the hot water run over my neck and shoulders.
We’re on vacation, I heard myself mumbling to Reese.
Except it wasn’t a vacation. I hadn’t come here to relax. I sure as fuck hadn’t come here to have sex. I wasn’t complaining about everything we’d done, of course. Things were great with Reese, and I hoped, hoped, hoped they could continue like that when we went back to Okinawa.
But whether they did or not, the rest of this situation would continue. I still had to make a report against Stanton. There’d be an
investigation.
And I was still carrying his baby.
Until the day after tomorrow, anyway.
I shuddered, and though the water temperature hadn’t changed, I was suddenly cold, so I shut off the shower and stepped out. As I dried myself, I avoided my fogged-up reflection in the tiny mirror.
T minus forty-eight hours, and I had to face the abortion clinic for the second time. What guarantee did I have that I wouldn’t freak out again? I’d been on edge from the moment I’d walked in. Anything could’ve triggered that flashback. If it hadn’t been the nurse encouraging me to lie back—
Just lie back. Relax.
—who was to say something else wouldn’t have set me off?
Nausea rose in my throat. I leaned over the toilet, but after a few deep breaths, the sensation passed, so I stood upright and leaned on the door, the surface cool against my bare skin.
Chewing my lip, I looked down. I was still way too early to be showing, so the little “extra” above my belt was probably the result of stress eating or not spending as much time PTing as I should’ve. I doubted anyone else had noticed, considering how much I was “showing” on top. Goddamn. Another week or two and I’d need new bras. If people hadn’t already noticed, they would soon.
Another week or two? Soon?
I let my head fall back against the door. No one would notice and I wouldn’t have to buy bras or a maternity uniform because I wouldn’t be pregnant after this week.
Would I?
I closed my eyes.
Just once, I needed something about this fucking debacle to be simple.
I was pulling on my sandals when Reese came back in.
“Hey. How was your run?”
“Would’ve been better if some lady’s poodle hadn’t tried to attack me, but otherwise . . .” She shrugged. Then she cocked her head. “Is something wrong?”
“Hmm? No. No. I’m . . .” I forced a smile. “Just not quite awake yet.”
The creases in her forehead deepened, and I silently begged her to let it go.
Fortunately, she did. “I’m gonna grab a quick shower. Then, breakfast?”
The smile didn’t take quite so much work this time. “Breakfast sounds like a winner.”
“Good, because I’m starving.”
“Hurry up and shower then, overachiever.”
She playfully swatted my butt and then went in to take a shower. When she came back, I had just finished tying my damp hair into a ponytail.
As she dressed, I sat on the bed. “I, um . . . can we talk about something before we go out?”
Reese glanced up from zipping her shorts. “Sure. What’s up?”
I set my shoulders back. “I’m canceling the abortion.”
Her eyebrows jumped. “Are you?”
Cringing, I nodded. “I know I can’t keep the baby. But I’m . . .” I glanced down and realized I’d put my hand over my still-mostly-flat belly. “I just don’t feel right about this part.”
“Oh thank God.” She sat beside me. “I didn’t want to talk you out of it, but . . .”
Eyeing her, I said, “But you didn’t approve?”
“Approve is not the word I’d use.” She tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. “But it never felt like this was what you wanted.”
My shoulders sagged. “It wasn’t. Isn’t. The thing is, even though I know it’s the . . . well, not the easiest, but the simplest way to cut ties with Stanton, I can’t make myself believe I’m doing it because I want to. I agreed to it because I didn’t see any other way. But it doesn’t feel right to do it just because he wants it, you know?”
Reese nodded. “Absolutely.”
“I know I can’t raise this kid, and I don’t want to be tied to Stanton for the rest of my life.” I glanced down at the hand that I still had over my belly. “But I just can’t do it.”
“Then don’t.” She pulled me into a gentle embrace and kissed my forehead. “If it doesn’t feel like the right thing, it probably isn’t.”
Our eyes met, and my heart jumped into my throat. “Shit.”
“What?”
“What about our, uh, deal?” I swallowed. “You know what happened. And we agreed you’d report things, so he’ll—”
“I know.” She smoothed my hair. “But don’t you dare go through with this just so I don’t get in trouble. We’ll figure something out, but . . . don’t. Not unless it’s what you want.”
“It isn’t.”
“Then there’s your answer.”
“But what do we do? I told you what happened because I was going to get the abortion, but now we’re in a bad spot.”
Reese sighed. “I don’t know. I really don’t. But I promise you, I’m not going to run in and report this when we get back.”
“Thank you,” I whispered.
She smiled and kissed me gently. “Go ahead and make the call. I bet you’ll feel better afterward.”
“You’re probably right.” I found the appointment-confirmation card in my purse, picked up the motel’s phone and dialed the number for the clinic.
When the receptionist answered, I said, “Hi. I’d like . . .” I glanced up at Reese, and she nodded. I moistened my lips. “I need to cancel an appointment.”
“All right, ma’am. Can I get your name?”
“Kim Lockhoff.” I spelled my last name for her, and as we went through the motions of canceling my procedure, my stomach fluttered, but for once, I didn’t feel like I was going to be sick. As I hung up the phone, something in my chest settled. This whole thing was far from over, but I felt better. I finally felt like I had some say about my own future.
I blew out a breath and met Reese’s eyes. “Okay. It’s done.”
She sat beside me again and hugged me. “Good. I’m proud of you. It takes some balls not to let that asshole bully you into something like this.”
Sighing, I rested my head against her. “Just wish I could’ve sprouted those balls when I was in his office.”
“Honey, you were protecting yourself.” She kissed the top of my head. “That wasn’t being weak, it was keeping a bad situation from getting worse.”
I shuddered. “I guess it could’ve been worse, couldn’t it?”
“Yeah. It could’ve.” She lifted my chin and kissed my lips this time. “And I’m really, really glad it didn’t turn out that way.”
“Me too.”
We held on to each other for a long moment before she drew back and met my eyes. “You know, since our leave was extended, we still have a few days left in Hawaii.”
I scowled. “Doesn’t seem long enough. Ugh. I just . . . do not want to go back.”
“In your shoes, I wouldn’t, either. But for the time being, you’re on vacation. Might as well enjoy it.”
“True.” I hesitated. “You really think that’s, uh, ethical, though? Considering why we’re here?”
Reese raised her eyebrows. “Do you really think Stanton is going to try and fuck with you over how you spend your time on Oahu?”
I hesitated but then smiled. “Yeah, good point.”
“Exactly. So we’re going to go out and have a good time, and he can suck it.” She put her hand on my leg. “So, where do you want to go?”
I thought for a moment. “Well, Diamond Head is probably out today, but we could check out the USS Arizona Memorial.”
“Oh, good idea.” She held up the car keys. “You driving, or am I?”
“You drive.”
“On it. Let’s go.”
Hand in hand, we headed out to explore the rest of Oahu.
We landed on Okinawa twenty-four hours before our leave chits expired. I took Kim straight to the acute care clinic on Camp Courtney to get a light duty chit and to have her pregnancy noted in her medical record.
I went into the exam room with her, and we played silently on our phones until the corpsman came in.
“I’m HM1 Davis.” She shook our hands. Then she opened Kim’s chart. “And just to verify, your
pregnancy test did come back positive.”
Kim closed her eyes and exhaled. I hadn’t realized how much her shoulders had bunched up until then, as they slowly relaxed.
“You okay?” HM1 Davis asked.
“Yeah.” Kim opened her eyes. “Isn’t like it’s a surprise.”
The corpsman arched an eyebrow. “Well, I have some information for you.” She handed over a stack of pamphlets and paperwork. “You’ll want to get registered with the hospital on Camp Lester as soon as you can, and they can get you into some of the childbirth classes.”
Kim blinked. “Okay.”
The corpsman continued through various recommendations—a schedule of appointments with one of the base OBs, symptoms to watch out for, a regimen of prenatal vitamins. Kim nodded as Davis spoke but didn’t say anything. I couldn’t imagine what was going through her mind. All that bullshit overwhelmed me and I wasn’t the one who had to deal with it.
“Now—” the corpsman hesitated, but then held up one of the pamphlets “—pregnant women are at a much higher risk for domestic violence. This has a list of numbers you can—”
“I’m an MA,” Kim said with a dry, halfhearted laugh. “I know who I can contact.”
“Okay, good. There are some other numbers on here, though. We recommend all patients take them, even if they don’t think they’re necessary.”
Kim glanced at me. Without a word, she took the pamphlet and added it to the stack of paperwork beside her on the exam table.
The corpsman scanned her chart, then set it aside. “Do you have any questions or concerns at this point?”
Kim shook her head. The corpsman jotted a few more notes and then released her.
After Kim had signed out, we headed for the parking lot. Once we were outside, Kim leaned against my car while I lit a cigarette.
I took a few drags, letting the nicotine get into my system. As I tapped the ashes over the pavement, I said, “How are you holding up?”
“I still think I made the right decision.”
“Then you did.” I hugged her with one arm, carefully keeping my cigarette away from her. “I know there aren’t any easy options right now, but I think you’ve done the best you can.”
“I’ve tried, anyway.”
I let her go and stepped back to take another drag. “Out of curiosity, I . . . Well, when the corpsman said your test was positive, you looked kind of, I don’t know—”
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