by Dale, Lindy
This is one of the reasons I hate texting. You can’t hear the intonation in a person’s voice. Now I don’t know if she’s being spiteful or taking the piss.
Oh that’s rough.
That’s the old Emily. Maybe she’s thawing. I decide to take a punt.
Or maybe not.
I put my phone aside and go into the bedroom to put the things away I decided not to pack. It doesn’t take more than five minutes but it makes me feel exhausted, so I pull back the covers and hop into bed. A quick nap should pick me up, I think as my eyelids droop. The boys will be home in an hour and I have to be awake for them.
But I’m not.
In fact, I sleep right through the cooking of dinner and Joel having the sound system on full tilt while he listens to Artic Monkeys.
When I do wake, it’s dark and I’m disoriented. The moon has risen outside and there’s a figure sitting on the side of the bed in the shadows watching me.
“Hey.”
I rub the sleep from my eyes but I don’t feel I can get up yet. I’m not fully awake. “Hi.”
Nicholas stretches out on the bed beside me. He wraps himself around me like a big manly cocoon. He pecks my lips gently, then the tip of my nose. “What’s up? Why’re you sleeping in the middle of the day again?”
“I was tired. It’s the end of the year thing. I’m always exhausted after exams. It takes me a week or so to unwind.”
A frown crinkles the space between his eyebrows. “It’s been three weeks. You can’t be tired after three weeks. Are you okay?”
“Don’t I look okay?” I joke.
“You know what I mean.”
“I’m fine. I’m just tired. It’s been a hectic time. And like I said I’m always useless at the end of the academic year. I must drain all my resources with exams or something.”
He sits up. “Well, as long as you’re sure. Dinner’s ready by the way. Your favourite.”
“Salmon?”
“No, deep fried bat’s eyes. Of course salmon. Now get your pretty arse out of that bed and come and join us.”
I salute. “Yes sir!”
Nicholas chuckles. “You can call me that again later if you like. I think I like it. Or master. That could work too.”
I groan loudly. “In your dreams.”
I get out of bed and stretch. I slip into my track pants and pull my hair up into a bun, the type Nicholas says he loves because he can see my neck. He adores my neck. Then I pad after him into the living room. Joel has set the table so I sit at the end with them on either side. It’s not a positioning we consciously chose, it merely seems like it’s where I should be. I’ve sat here since the first night we ate together.
The salmon and salad are delicious and as the boys bounce ideas across the table and discuss last minute details for the running of Hardwick & Lawson while we’re away, I contemplate everything that’s happened over the past few weeks. It has been a huge month — graduation, the whole Mason saga, getting offered a job, planning for the trip — but now I’m analysing it, I don’t think that’s the reason I’m tired. Just like that stomach bug I had at graduation wasn’t really a stomach bug.
Mentally, I begin to count back. It’s been two months since I had a period. Two months since Joel’s birthday and that night of incredible sex, the night when Nicholas ran out of condoms and I told him not to worry because I was on the Pill. It hasn’t occurred to me until now that I actually forgot to take it a couple of days in a row before that.
One by one the pennies drop into place. And the clanging at the bottom of the jar sounds like shackles hitting a flagstone prison floor.
Oh.
My.
God.
I’m pregnant.
Like I’ve had a stroke or something, my fork falls from my hand, hitting the plate and causing the boys to cease their conversation. I must look like I’ve seen a ghost because their faces change from jovial to serious as soon as they look at me.
“Sadie?”
I look from Nicholas to Joel. Fuck, this is awkward. How am I going to tell them?
“Um, I think we have a problem.”
“Changed your mind on which bikini to pack?” Joel quips. “I told you, leave them both at home. I like my mermaids au naturel.”
“It’s a little more dire than bikini choice.” I swallow. Suddenly my mouth is dry. Really dry. “I think I might be pregnant.”
Nicholas spits his mouthful of wine across the remains of his dinner. Joel’s eyes are wider than the dinner plate. Both of them turn a deathly shade of pale, similar to the colour of the faux polar bear rug in the den.
“Pregnant?”
“How did that happen?”
I think that’s fairly obvious.
“I’m pretty sure it was on your birthday,” I tell Joel. “Remember how out of it I was, and how good the sex was?”
“And how you told me not to bother with the condom.” Nicholas’ voice is sombre and quiet. Very quiet.
“Yes.”
“But you’re on the Pill.”
“I forgot to take it a couple of days before hand. It didn’t occur to me until now. And that night, if I hadn’t been so high I most likely would have remembered and told you it wasn’t safe.”
“Fuuuuuuck.” That’s Joel.
“Double fuck,” Nicholas says.
I know why. He’s thinking the baby is his. It has to be his. Not that it matters. None of us want a baby. What the hell are we meant to do with a baby? How can the baby have two daddies? If I have a baby our relationship — the one we have now — will have to change.
We sit in silence for a long while after that. I guess none of us has anything to say. We’re in shock or maybe we’re dissecting the ramifications of my revelation. I watch as Nicholas twiddles his fork between his fingers. He’s given up eating. And Joel appears to be taking his frustration out on his fish. I’m glad I’m not a piece of salmon; he’s stabbing it to death with his fork. I’m about to clear our plates away when Joel leaps up abruptly from his seat. He looks like someone’s filled his chair with drawing pins.
“I can’t sit here and do nothing. I’m going to the chemist.”
Nicholas stares at Joel. “What the hell for?”
“A pregnancy test. She might not even be pregnant.”
“Uh, I do have a name.” I’m getting cross now. He’s acting like this is my fault. Which it sort of is but technically you do require sperm to make a baby so I’m not entirely to blame.
Joel is suitably chastised. “Sorry. I was being a dick. It’s just the shock that’s all.” He walks past me, his hand grazing my arm as he heads for the garage door. “I won’t be long.”
“I’ll do the dishes,” I say, because I can’t think of anything else productive.
“I’ll help.” Seems Nicholas is in the same boat.
While Joel is gone, Nicholas and I stand at the sink. I don’t know why we’re washing dishes when we own a perfectly good dishwasher but neither of us appears to have registered this fact. It’s something about hands in warm soapy water, I guess. Or maybe the mundaneness of the task? It takes our minds off the stork standing by the fireplace, the one who’s carrying a bundle in a nappy and bearing a sign, ‘For Sadie’. I wonder if Nicholas can see it too.
“I’m sorry, babe,” Nicholas says after a bit. “I’ve
really fucked this up.”
I remove my soapy hand from the water and squeeze his. “It takes two to tango. And anyway, we don’t know for certain until I do the test. I’ve missed periods before at stressful times. After Mum died, I didn’t have one for two months.”
“I think we both know what that little white stick is going to tell us and it’s not that you suck at washing up.” He hands me back one of the dinner plates. In my absentmindedness I’ve only washed off half the grime.
I re-wash the plate. “What are we going to do?”
“I have no idea.”
“I can’t have an abortion.”
“I’d never ask you to and neither would Joel. It’s not that I don’t want kids, I’ve just never given it much thought.”
Me either.
“That’s about to change,” I point out.
“Yeah.”
“I suppose I thought the wedding would come before the baby.”
“That’s rather traditional of you, Mr Lawson.”
“Call me old fashioned but I sort of saw myself on one knee with a ring in my hand.”
“What? With me?”
“Uh, huh. Not right now but some time down the track. I’ve been thinking about it for a couple of weeks now.”
Wow. This is a night of revelations.
Nicholas moves to the other end of the bench and puts the dry plate in the drawer. I don’t know if he’s embarrassed that he’s divulged so many of his inner thoughts or if putting an amount of space between us will help him to collect his thoughts. “I think I like the idea of being a daddy,” he says, walking back along the kitchen to me. “If you’re the mummy.”
He puts the tea towel on the bench and slides his hands around my waist. I twist into his embrace. “I think I sort of like it, too. A little Nicky Junior tugging at my leg. Bit sooner than I expected but we can work around that, can’t we?”
“She might be a Nicola.”
“Or a Jolene.”
“No kid of mine is ever going to be named after a Dolly Parton song.” He lets out a laugh and instantly the air around us is less tense.
“I was referring to the other third of this crazy relationship, you dufus,” I say. “We owe him something.”
“And you think naming our daughter after him will appease him?”
“Maybe they’ll imprint on each other, like in Twilight.” Nicholas knows how much I adored those books. As a gawky eleven year old, I devoured every one. When the movies arrived, I was even more enamoured.
“Well, that’d solve our problems. Now if you transform into a vampire…”
Smiling, I lay my head against Nicholas’ chest, listening to his heart and the gentle thudding as his blood pumps through his body. He’s so calm about this. Most men would have a fit when given news of an unplanned pregnancy but not him. He’s simply cuddling me and kissing my hair the way he always does.
*****
The stick is in my hand and I’m shaking so much I can hardly put it in the flow of wee.
“How long does it take?” Nicholas and Joel are on the other side of the toilet door. Despite Joel’s insistence he wanted to know from the moment I knew I had no intention of letting him watch me wee. I mean, ewww.
“A couple of minutes,” I call. I rest the stick on a piece of toilet paper on top of the vanity and zip up my jeans. I hope it’s only a couple of minutes. They might break the door down if it takes any longer. I walk to the door an open it. the boys are in the bathroom with me faster than I can pick up the stick.
“Is it blue?”
“Happy face or sad?”
We stand in silence all watching the progress on the tiny window. No one speaks. I don’t even think we’re breathing the room is so quiet.
Then, as we watch a small blue smiley face appears. It gets darker and more prominent and though I know I should be happy I feel as if that face like an emoticon, designed to make couples happy, is going to spell the end for us. There is no way the three of us are going to come out of this in tact.
CHAPTER TEN
A somber gang of three, we arrive at Rome airport three days later. It’s been a long flight, with stopovers in Perth and Dubai. Even though, I took the herbal sleeping tablet Nicholas bought for me I feel ragged and in need of sleep. We talked long into the night after the test came out positive and we decided to continue on as planned. There’s no reason why I can’t travel in the early stages of pregnancy and it’s only for two weeks. It’s not like we’re going for months on end and jumping on and off buses or trains. I don’t know what’s going to happen with us though. If I could have my way, nothing would change except the addition of a baby. Nicholas, Joel and I would be one happy family. I have this sinking feeling that’s not going to be the case, however. The boys are quieter, more reserved. It’s like they’ve shut me out. It could be that they’re trying to process but it doesn’t help me feel any better about the pregnancy. If anything I feel worse.
Rome airport is non-descript. We stand at the carousel in the big grey room that feels like a shed, waiting for our bags. I want to sit. My head and feet are aching but I’m reluctant to say anything in case they start molly coddling me again. That’s another talk we’re going to have when we get home. I’m pregnant, not terminal. I’m perfectly capable of unscrewing my own bottle of water. After we retrieve our luggage, the taxi ride into the city is long but I don’t mind. I stare out the window so utterly in awe that I’m seeing buildings that are thousands of years old. I can’t believe there’s so much congestion, that even though the streets are barely wide enough for a small car we’re going to drive down them and share the space with the hundreds of pedestrians. Not to mention the alfresco diners our driver misses by millimetres. I feel like an ant in a very cramped anthill.
We arrive at our hotel and it’s as if I’m transported to another age. It’s four storeys high and made of stone and Nicholas gazes at the façade for a very long time before he allows us to go inside. He’s committing this to memory; I know he is. He’s going to retrieve this look in years to come and use it as inspiration for a building. My suspicions are confirmed when he asks me to mind his bags before he ducks into the crowd, emerging on the other side of the street where he snaps a photo. Nicholas is obsessed. I hate to think how he’s going to be when we get to the real architectural wonders.
The stairs leading to the reception are steep. It’s a teeny room on the first floor, quite unlike any hotel reception I’ve ever been in. The windows are tiny to keep the hot sun away and there’s no lift, probably because lifts weren’t invented in 3AD or whenever this building was made. We sign in and follow a porter to our suite. He informs us he’ll bring our bags along shortly and I breathe a sigh of relief so great, I’m pretty sure he hears me. I wasn’t looking forward to carrying my new luggage up three more flights of stone stairs. Thirty kilos of suitcase isn’t a light weight.
At last we open the door to our room. The French windows to the balcony have been flung open and gauzy curtains are billowing in the evening breeze. It reminds me of the night we spent at the lighthouse. That was the night I knew I couldn’t be without Nicholas or Joel, that for me they were a package deal. I don’t think I can be without either of them again but I feel as though the decision has been thrust in my face. Whether we like it or not, I’m going to have to choose. Someone is going to get hurt. When we get back home, three will become two. I hope we can handle that.
Out on the balcony, I take in the view. Any minute I know I’m going to wake up and find that this has been a dream, that I’m really in my bed back at the flat, listening to Emily having sex with some guy she thinks she’s in love with. I’m wistful as I stare out at the Trevi Fountain, lit up by pale lights under the water gushing from its walls. The pool is an aquiline blue. I don’t think I’ve ever seen water like it and I wonder if it’s because of the marble. Behind it the sun is setting, it’s orange glow a foil for the green of the water. It’s magical and surreal and I’m so glad I’m shar
ing this experience with Nicholas and Joel.
“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” Joel comes up behind me. He slips his hands over my shoulders and down my arms, interlocking his fingers with mine. He leans his chin on my shoulder.
“Awesome. I can’t believe I’m here. Thank you so much for bringing me.”
“I only want you to be happy, Ariel.”
I swivel my head and kiss him. His lips are soft and tender. Somehow they feel different than before. The last three days has changed everything for us.
“Let’s take a selfie,” I say. I’m being overly bright but we need to lift this cloud of doom.
Joel pulls out his phone and we turn with our backs to the view so he can take the shot. “Smile!”
I do and as he clicks I feel the touch of his lips against my cheek. It’s going to be an awesome photo. “Send it to me.”
“Anything for you.”
“Since when did you get all lovey-dovey?”
“I wasn’t being lovey-dovey.”
“Yes you were.”
“I thought I was being affectionate.”
“Well yes, but usually you’re affection comes in the form of a bum pinch or telling me I’m hot. Not the romance stuff.”
He nods. “True. Guess I’ll have to rectify that then. Can’t have you thinking all I care about is sex.”
“It is all you care about.” My voice is jokey and he gives me a leery look in return.
We stand admiring the view for a little longer. It’s getting darker and there are even more people below us on the street. Cafés that were closed are opening their doors and the sound of violin music is wafting on the evening breeze. I always thought the violin was a ridiculous instrument but it sounds quite lovely. “Where’s Nicholas?” I ask.
Joel leans back and lifts the curtain away from the window. He nods in the direction of the bed where Nicholas is laying on his back, breathing the soft breath of sleep. Nicholas has the ability to fall instantly asleep. Anywhere. Anytime. I hate him for that. I hate that he can be snoring in twenty seconds flat while I’m still trying to recover.
“How does he do that?”
“I dunno but I think I might hit the sack too. Big day tomorrow and that flight did me in. You coming?”