by Dale, Lindy
I glance at my watch. “It’s only six o’clock. We can’t go to bed yet.”
“Just a nap. Then we can do dinner, Italian style.”
He’s talking about the Italian propensity for eating dinner at ten or eleven at night. Such a foreign idea to me. Literally. I follow him into the bedroom and begin to peel off my clothes. “Can we have pizza?”
“You’re not going to turn into one of those eating machines because you’re pregnant are you?”
“I might.” I giggle softly, careful not to disturb our sleeping beauty on the bed.
“I like your curves how they are, Ariel. Don’t get fat. Stay just as you are.”
“Um, being pregnant sort of entails getting fat.”
“Well, only in the front then. I’ll let you get fat there. And if you’re boobs suddenly turn the size of melons I won’t complain.”
I roll my eyes.
We climb into bed and Joel does his best to arrange the covers around us. On the other side of the king sized mattress Nicholas is softly snoring on top of the blankets, so it’s an exercise in creative placement not to disturb him. I snuggle into Joel’s arms. The sheets smell crisp and fresh. They’re soft against my skin.
“Do you know how much I love you?” I ask.
“I think so. Not as much as I love you. And soon you’ll have someone new to love. Will there be enough love to go around us all? Maybe you’ll forget about me.”
“My heart is big enough for the three of you. With every day it gets bigger and bigger. It’s filled with more and more love.”
He kisses my forehead and cheeks. His hand strokes my shoulder and plays in my hair.
“I’ve never met a girl like you. I don’t think I ever will again.” He pulls me closer burying his face in my neck. I feel his heart pounding against my chest. My skin is wet from tears but they’re not my own.
“It’s over, isn’t it?” My words are cracked. My heart is breaking.
“I don’t see how we can continue. A baby changes the equation too much.” He looks into my eyes and I know what he’s saying. The day I knew would always come is about to happen.
My hand reaches up to graze his cheek. He leans his face into my palm and a tear slides down, wetting my fingers. “My heart isn’t confetti, Ariel. You can’t throw it in the air and expect it to come back to where it started. It’s not some thing that can be stuck together with glue and has no feeling… no matter how I might behave,” he whispers.
“I never thought it was. I’d never hurt you. I love you. I can’t be without you.”
“And I can’t be with you and Nick and watch him hold your hand, knowing that will never happen for me. I can’t watch you be mama and Nick be papa while I’m relegated to funny uncle Joel. It’s not fair to me or to the kid but mostly it’s not fair to you. I can’t love you any more or any differently.”
I’m crying now. “You’re leaving aren’t you?”
“In the morning.”
The shock surges through me. So soon?
“How can you leave me? I need time to prepare.”
“I think its best I do it this way. If I don’t leave now I never will.”
“Then why did you wait? Why didn’t you just run away before we got to Rome? That’s a pretty expensive way to dump someone.”
“Don’t be like that. I’m not running. I’m leaving to give you and Nick a chance to be a real family. You can’t do that if I’m tagging along like the third wheel.”
I stare at him, blinking slowly, blinking back the hurt that he could give up on us so easily. I don’t understand. I have no words to convey the pain that’s ripping through my heart and soul at this moment.
“I knew you wouldn’t come on the trip if I went away before,” Joel continues. “You would have whined and moaned and said you couldn’t do it without me like you always do. But you can do it alone. You’re strong and beautiful and you’re gonna be the best mama ever.”
“I don’t want you to go. I don’t want this to be over. I need you. I love you so much my heart aches.”
“Then let me go. Let me have this night, then let me go. It’s for the best.”
*****
That night Joel and I break the rule we made for ourselves. We make love without Nicholas. It’s silent and deep and I cry through most of it because I know it signifies the end. We began this way and this is how we end. Like Joel, I’m truly done in when it’s over and though I try not to because I want to snatch every minute I can, I fall asleep with my head on his shoulder and his arm cradling me. I have never felt so much love.
When I wake three hours later, ravenous and ready for my pizza dinner, the bed is empty on one side.
His bags are no longer stacked beside mine at the door.
He’s gone.
SEVEN DAYS UNTIL FOREVER
(Seven Days Part 4)
CHAPTER ONE
The days after Joel leaves are well, nothing. The days are empty and bland and though Nicholas and I know we should be happy, it feels flat. Lifeless. It’s like Joel has taken the sunshine with him and left us only clouds. It’s shit really.
For the first week Nicholas and I base ourselves in Rome. We travel around seeing the sights, taking in the gob smacking beauty of The Vatican, imagining the sixty thousand or so people packed into the Colosseum to watch gladiators fight lions. I post constant selfies of us on Facebook in the hope Joel will respond, but he’s conspicuously absent. He’s severed all ties with the world. We have no clue as to where he’s gone. I hate him for that. I hate him for taking away my freedom to choose, though I know what he did was right. He knew I would never have chosen to be with only Nicholas, that I was simply too weak to give him up. I still hate him though. In fact, if he was here right now, I’d punch him. I would.
During the week in Italy, Nicholas and I ride the red tourist bus. I have the most awesome time but it’s not the same. I can’t seem to muster enthusiasm without Joel. I miss rolling over to see him grinning at me when I wake in the morning. I miss how his hair looks all shaggy against the pillow. I miss the way he waggles his eyebrows at me and says dirty things. I miss his smell and his jokes, his bawdy innuendos. I was soooo looking forward to his commentary on ancient naked statues and now I’ll never hear it. I even miss his silly attempts at romance.
The worst thing, though, is that Nicholas is feeling Joel’s departure, too. Probably more than me. That makes me dreadfully unhappy. On more than one occasion Nicholas has remarked how Joel would have appreciated a certain thing. He’s ordered a drink for Joel, forgetting he isn’t here and then had to drink it. I see the defeated look in Nicholas’ eyes when he doesn’t realise I’m watching him. I see the effort it takes for him to put on the cheerful front, the worry gracing his beautiful face when he sleeps. I understand what it’s like to lose your best friend but for Nicholas, the pain appears doubly bad. Since Joel’s been gone, Nicholas has stopped taking photos of buildings. It’s as if the inspiration has been sucked from him. He gives me information but it’s like he’s my personal tour guide, not my lover. Our relationship has moved into this strange new world where we’re both grieving and I have no idea how to make this better.
On the last night of our holiday, Nicholas and I sit in an alfresco café in the piazza in Malaga, eating tapas and drinking wine. Well, Nicholas is drinking wine. A lot of it. Being smashed seems to be the only way he can cope with the fact he has to sleep in the same bed as me every night. I’m beginning to think he’s only with me because of the baby, that he doesn’t want me if Joel isn’t around. He’s blaming me for Joel’s leaving. I can feel it. He hasn’t touched me since Joel’s departure. Perhaps he thinks he’s cheating if he has sex with me? Or he’s worried he’ll harm the baby. Either way, I don’t like it. The pregnancy is making me as horny as hell and if he shrugs me off one more time I’m going to have to resort to using my hand.
Ha. He wouldn’t say no to watching that.
Earlier today, Nicholas and I spent the hours
gazing at Picasso paintings. I never dreamed I’d be standing in front of Woman With a Green Collar, admiring every tiny brush stroke that can’t be captured in a photo. So mental. And to see Picasso’s journals, watch the pages flick over to show the development of each piece in the artist’s mind. That was truly awesome.
In the afternoon Nicholas and I traipsed up the stairs of Castillo De Gibralfaro where we gave money to a busker singing Hotel California in Spanish. We held hands and Nicholas kissed me under the arch of a thousand year old doorway. We cuddled and admired the view as if we were a normal couple in love. But I don’t feel normal. I feel lost and lonely. I wish I could drown my sorrows in a vat of tequila. Anything to dull this ache I have inside me, the one that is begging Joel to come back.
I look across the table to where Nicholas is fiddling with his phone, his dinner forgotten. The evening is getting cooler and he’s slipped the jumper he had tied around his waist over his chest. He’s so handsome and manly, this father of my baby. I am so lucky to have him. But he’s been quieter than ever this evening and I know he’s thinking about Joel. Hearing that busker sing brought home how much we miss him. Again. Joel would have joined in and sang along. He would have done it with a funny accent. I have to find a way to bring Nicholas back to me. If I don’t our relationship is doomed.
Why can’t he move past this? I’m trying, why can’t he?
Deciding I’ve had enough, I take the phone from Nicholas’ hand, placing it on the table between us.
“No messages?” I ask.
Nicholas shakes his head but says nothing.
“I think maybe you should give it a rest. He’ll call us when he’s ready.” I don’t know how I know this but it’s the only thing I can think of that might give Nicholas a degree of peace.
His mouth twists with indecision. “I guess so. I wish he’d let me know where he is. I feel so fucking guilty, Sadie. This is all my fault.”
Well, at least he doesn’t think it’s mine. That’s one small mercy. I cover my hand with his, my fingers play on the soft skin of his knuckles. I implore him with my eyes. “It’s nobody’s fault. It happened. And it’s not like we forced Joel to go, he made the choice himself. He made a sacrifice for us, to give you and me and our baby a chance at a normal life. Don’t you think we owe it to Joel to give this the best shot we can, Nicholas? Otherwise his leaving was for nothing. He might as well have stayed.”
“He’d be pissed off if he knew he’d stepped aside for nothing. He loved you more than the world, Sadie.”
“I loved him too. I’ll always love him, but he did this for us. We have to try and make our relationship work without him. We can’t sit around like a couple of sad losers when this might be the one time in our lives we have a chance at love. We can’t fuck this up, Nicholas. We can’t. I love you. Don’t you love me? Don’t you remember how we felt about each other before Joel entered the equation?”
Nicholas turns my hand over and laces his fingers through mine. He stares at them for the longest time. When he looks up his eyes appeared to have changed. It’s like he heard my silent pleas. “Don’t ever think I don’t love you, Sadie. I adore the ground you walk on. I love you so much I physically ache when we’re separated. I feel giddy when I’m with you. I never knew it was possible to have so much love for one human being as I do for you.”
“Then stop being such a baby about this. We’re meant to be enjoying ourselves.”
“I’ve behaved like a shit, haven’t I? I’ve spoilt the holiday. And I haven’t considered how you must be feeling. It’s such a fuck up. Can you forgive me?” He blinks slowly, his eyes never leaving mine.
God, as if I’m going to say no.
I pout, feigning the annoyance that’s subsided as rapidly as it appeared.
“I can make it worth your while,” he adds, tickling my palm.
A shot of desire shoots straight into my belly. Suddenly, I’m melting like never before. I hate that he can do that to me. I’m so weak around him. And being pregnant only seems to intensify my responses. “Hmmm. I don’t know.”
“Foot rubs for a week?”
“Not enough.”
“I’ll cook you two-minute noodles and Pop Tarts for breakfast.”
Whoa. Big concession there. Nicholas is definitely my muesli-and-eggs-healthy-breakfast guy.
“Maybe.”
“I’ll go down on you till you scream.”
I give him a look. “You do that already.”
Now he smiles. It’s that irresistible smile that leaves me quivering with longing every time, the one that goes deep into his eyes and my heart. “How about a dance?”
Now where did that come from? Nicholas is not a dancer. Not unless copious amounts of tequila have been consumed. Then, he’s positively filthy on the dance floor. Just the way I like it.
“Deal.”
I stand and Nicholas leads me onto the makeshift dance floor in the centre of the cobblestone piazza. Above us, strings of colourful lights twinkle under the perfect starry sky. Scarlet coloured geraniums hanging from window boxes around the square dance in the breeze. Beside us other couples sway, their eyes closed. It’s massively romantic. I wrap my arms about Nicholas’ neck, pressing my body to his. We move in sync with the gentle rhythm of the music. Nicholas drops his cheek to rest on my head. He hugs me closer. His chest presses to mine. His fingers caress me like he never wants to let me go.
“I love you, Sadie. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. You’re my everything. Never forget that,” he whispers, dropping a kiss on each side of my nose before landing a third on my expectant lips. He’s being so sweet, so perfect, like the Nicholas I fell for all those months ago.
“I can’t imagine my life if I’d never met you,” I say. The words choke in my throat. I think I’m going to cry.
“I can’t believe you’re going to be the mother of my baby. I’m the luckiest guy on Earth.”
“I feel lucky too. I’m here. I’m living my dream. With you. I miss Joel every day but it’s not as if I’m alone. I have you. We have each other and we can get through this and make something new and special together. With our baby. Please love me, Nicholas. I need you to love only me.”
“It’s only ever been you. And now I’ll have another little piece of you to love as well.”
That’s all I needed to hear.
Later that night, for the first time since Joel went, Nicholas and I make love without the third member of our little gang. It’s different and it’s beautiful and as he moves inside me, I remember the love Nicholas and I have for each other. I remember the day on the beach when we met and the connection we had. I remember the first time he kissed me, how he begged me to choose him over Joel, how all he ever wanted was for me to stay. I remember our attraction. It was stronger than anything I’d felt for anyone, ever and now because of what we’ve shared it feels stronger. We can make this work without Joel. We can.
CHAPTER TWO
It’s weird without Joel. Nicholas and I arrive home and the house seems strangely empty without his boisterous laugh. We decide to turn my room into the nursery so I move my things into Nicholas’ room and take over part of his walk-in-wardrobe. I choose a side of the bed and pile up the books I like to read before I go to sleep. I organise the cleaning of the house and buying of groceries, now it’s decided I won’t take the job I was offered for the time being but will stay home with our baby. It’s very domesticated and sort of surreal. Because I never thought this would be me cooking dinner. Never in a million freaking years did I think this would be me and that I’d be happy without being driven to be the best.
As the days turn into one month and then two, we settle into a happy routine. Sometimes Nicholas brings me flowers after work. He buys me trinkets and gives me a copy of his credit card so I can pay the bills. He asks my opinion on plans and takes me on tours of new projects. Often, I meet him and the rest of the Hardwick & Lawson team for after work drinks. Nobody mentions Joel’s absence
and they don’t seem to think it’s strange that Nicholas and I have suddenly become a couple. Nobody comments that we’re like loved up teenagers who can’t keep our hands off each other. They smile indulgently and tell me how lovely it is to see Nicholas has finally found the one who makes him complete. It’s almost as if Joel was never a part of the relationship.
Until we get to the bedroom that is.
Not that I’m complaining about anything Nicholas does in the bedroom, but sex without Joel is a whole new beast now that Nicholas has been reassured by our doctor that it’s safe. He wants me constantly and in every way possible. He takes me on the floor, against the wall, in the shower. It’s almost as if he was holding back his true emotions while Joel was around. And when he’s in me, fucking me so hard I can barely speak, it’s like my wildest fantasy come true. Why the hell would I complain about that?
On the day that marks twenty weeks of my pregnancy, Nicholas and I go for an ultrasound scan. This is the first time he’s been able to come so we’re both super excited. Nicholas has been insanely busy with Iris the last month. Joel’s absence means he’s had to project manage and be a builder and he’s been at the site office so much the only way I get to see him is if I go there. He’s not complaining about it yet. I know he’s tired and sometimes there are shadows under his eyes yet he has this look of exhilaration I haven’t seen for months. He’s like the Nicholas I met at the beach that day, the one who loved life and everything about it.
We go into the tiny room where the scan is to be performed and Nicholas helps me up onto the bed. He rearranges my hideous hospital gown to cover the bits he thinks nobody should see but him and sits on a chair next to me at the head of the bed. He has this smirk on his face like he made this baby singlehandedly, which we both know is a physical impossibility but it’s cute. I like that he’s watching over me like this, cooing and gushing, trying to take care of me and the baby even if sometimes he can be a tad stifling, almost as if he’s afraid I’ll run away like Joel did.