by Dale, Lindy
After letting us in— no need for the help to answer the door— Nicholas takes my hand, leads me through a set of double doors and down a wide hallway to a room I suppose is a sort of family room. Except gigantic. Like for a super big family. From the door, I see a man sitting on a large fabric sofa. He’s swirling a glass of scotch or brandy in his left hand and staring thoughtfully into a fireplace that’s not lit. The resemblance with Nicholas, right down to this movement, is enough to make me do a double take. Apart from some greying at the temples and a few lines in the corners of his eyes, I could be looking at my lover’s twin. I hope this means we’ll get along the way Nicholas and I do. I pray we will.
“Dad.” Nicholas walks to the sofa and addresses his father. I stay at the side. I think he’s going to do the formal introduction thing and I’m not sure how to behave in this instance.
“Nicholas, my boy. Right on time for a pre-dinner cocktail. Help yourself to the drinks trolley.”
I can’t understand it. Surely, Mr Lawson knows I’m here. I distinctly heard Nicholas tell him on the phone the other evening that I was coming with him. It can’t be that he’s ignoring me deliberately. Or can it?
Nicholas walks back to the side of the sofa, taking my hand and ‘presenting’ me to his father. “Dad, this is Sadie Cooper, my fiancée. I’ve asked her to marry me.”
It’s so sweet that he’s as nervous as me.
“That’s what the word fiancée normally infers, Nicholas.” His father doesn’t look up. He stares into his glass, fixated on the liquid. His voice has a distinctly icy tone. Colder than the ice in his glass, that’s for sure. “Sadie. So you’re the lass who’s managed to tame the wild Lawson beast. I’ve heard a lot about you.”
Shit. I swallow. How am I meant to respond to that? Defend myself? Make a joke? I choose to ignore it.
“It’s so lovely to meet you, Mr Lawson.” I hold out my hand, hoping he’ll at least look up to shake it. “I can see where Nicholas gets his good looks.”
Oh. My. God.
Let the floor open up and suck me in. I can’t believe I said that. I sound like… I don’t know what I sound like.
Mr. Lawson looks at my outstretched hand. He raises his eyes to my face. The blood drains from his cheeks as if he’s seen a ghost. What the hell is going on?
“Sadie, you say?”
“Sadie Cooper.”
I see the Adam’s apple in his neck move as he swallows and peers at me more intently. He’s scrutinising every detail of me. It’s awkward and I don’t know where to look. I’m not used to being stared at in this fashion. I don’t think anybody is. After at least a minute, Mr Lawson speaks again. “Are you any relation to Caroline Cooper?”
Okay, this is getting a little freaky.
“Um. She was my mother.”
“Was?”
“She passed away, almost two years ago now. She drowned.”
Mr Lawson jumps to his feet so fast it’s lucky he doesn’t send the glass top coffee table flying across the room. And that would be no mean feat, it must weigh a tonne.
“Excuse me, please,” he says. He doesn’t exactly dash from the room but his stride is way faster than someone who’s going to check on the dinner and the look on his face is one of death. His own.
I am left with my outstretched hand. “What the hell was that?”
Nicholas shakes his head. “I’ve got no idea but I’m going to find out. He can’t treat you like that. Stay here.”
“NO!” I hiss. “Don’t leave me here. What if he comes back. I can’t be here alone with him.”
“He’s not an axe murderer, Sadie. He’s my father. Obviously, seeing you has triggered some … I don’t know… but he’s not going to kill you.”
“That’s fine for you to say but I’m not staying here without you.” I know I sound paranoid and silly but I don’t want Mr Lawson to come back and start yelling at me. I don’t know what I’ve done. Despite my voicing this, Nicholas disappears in the direction of his father.
Right. Take a few deep breaths, I think. Get that heart rate back to normal. Stress is not good for ‘the bean’, as we’re now calling the baby in lieu of a better name. Looking around, I perch myself on the corner of the sofa. It’s right next to Mr Lawson’s half empty glass of scotch so if the worst happens at least I can throw it at him and make a run for the door. I sit this way for some minutes until a woman appears. She’s wearing a navy blue skirt and a white shirt. Her greying hair is swept to the back of her head in an elegant bun and she has that arch to her eyebrows that women from the upper classes seem to have.
“Hello Sadie,” she says.
“I’m Debra, Mr Lawson’s assistant. Is there anything I can get for you?”
A gun to the head?
I feel like I’m in a job interview. “No thank you. I’m cool.”
“A drink. Scotch, rum? Vodka? Wine?”
Clearly, Debra hasn’t been filled in on my situation.
“I’m pregnant. So no. But thanks.”
I could actually do with a vodka right about now.
Debra gives me a friendly smile. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you. Clayton didn’t tell me and you don’t look pregnant.”
So she thought I was fat? I see her blush so obviously, both being women, she realises her second faux pas of the minute.
“Right, well, I’m going to go and get you a glass of water before I put my foot any further in it,” she says. And she actually does make a run for it. I wonder if the Lawsons have ever considered replacing that door with a revolving one? It gets enough use.
As I’m thinking this, Nicholas and his father reappear. Nicholas sits on the sofa beside me. His father takes up his glass, drains it and refills it before coming to stand by the fire place in front of us. “Can I offer you a drink, Sadie?”
What is it with these people and alcohol?
“I’m fine. Debra’s getting me some water.”
His glance strays to my stomach. “Of course. How foolish of me.”
And now we have that established would somebody like to tell me what’s going on?
Mr Lawson swallows. He looks about the room seemingly searching for something. Words maybe?
“I apologise for my abrupt greeting, Sadie. I was very rude.” The tone of his voice has changed completely. It’s softened and I don’t why but I assume I’m about to find out.
“That’s alright.”
“No, it’s not. I’d like to explain, if you’ll let me.”
Alle-freaking-luia.
“I knew your mother some years back, before you were born. Seeing you walk in here was like seeing a ghost from my past. You are the image of her. She was a very beautiful woman.”
I blink. I don’t know what to say, possibly because I can barely comprehend what I’ve just heard. “You knew my mother?”
“I was in love with her… and she with me.”
From the corner of my eye, I see Nicholas’ eyes widen. “Is this some kind of a joke, Dad. Because I can assure you neither Sadie or I find it funny.”
“It’s not a joke.” Mr Lawson’s eyes come to rest on mine. He’s serious, deadly serious. “I met your mother at the Bay. She was staying in a little cottage that belonged to your family. It had the most delightful seaside garden. Does your family still have it?”
“I own it now. I have no family,” I reply. “Not since Mum died.”
“So Caroline never married?”
“No. Mum was always guarded about that. She never told me who my father was or why she was single but over the years I got the feeling she was holding a candle for someone.” I stop for a beat. I look him straight in the eye. I know what I’m saying is way out there but I have to know. I have this need to share with him, the way I did with Nicholas when we first met. It’s so surreal. “Was that someone you?”
“Caroline was nineteen when we met, I was twenty-five. From the moment we lay eyes on each other, we were smitten. Me, in particular. Her smile, her laugh, eve
rything about her was what I’d always dreamed a girl would be. I suppose that’s why I got such a shock when you walked through the door. I apologise again for being so abrupt with you.”
“So you were lovers?”
“I wanted to marry her. I loved her with a passion I’ve never felt for anyone before or after. I loved Nicholas’ mother too, but it wasn’t the same as what I felt for Caroline and I think sometimes Nicholas’ mother felt like she was playing second fiddle to a ghost.”
This is getting a little bit hectic.
“Why didn’t you marry Sadie’s mum then?” Nicholas asks.
“Duty. Your grandparents had already made their choice for me and if I wanted to take over the business I really had no choice. But I was distraught over leaving your mother, Sadie. I never forgot her. And now, seeing you with Nicholas, it’s almost as if history’s repeating itself but this time it’s being fulfilled.”
“I always wondered why my mother never married or showed interest in men. When I was little I thought it was because of me but as I got older I realised she’d been keeping something from me. On the outside she was happy, she was the best mother in the world, but she had dark moments.”
“There was a baby. My baby.”
I bite my lip. History is repeating. I only hope Nicholas and I can break the cycle.
“I couldn’t marry your mother, Sadie. I couldn’t support her without the family cutting me off. Unlike Nicholas, I was weak. I let my family dictate my fortunes. In the end, your mother had a miscarriage. It wasn’t good but at least she didn’t have to deal with the guilt of going through with an abortion. Your mother would never have been strong enough for that.”
Holy shit. Is he serious? I had an older brother or sister? Why did I never know this? Is this why my mother was always so overprotective of me? What I classed as being a homebody and never letting me try new things was her way of keeping me safe from the world or from the man who was my father. She’d never tell me who he was, simply that it had been a mistake. Not that she made me feel bad for that, my mother loved me, but the relationship she had with him had been wrong. They weren’t suited. It was one of those things.
I gulp down my water, trying to process this turn of events. I still don’t get how this can be, how the world can be such a small place or how fate and destiny can seem to step in to give Nicholas and I the happiness our parents never had. But now I have to ask. I have to know.
“Do you know my father, Mr Lawson?”
“I did. His name was Andrew Barrett.”
“Uncle Andrew?” Nicholas gasps. “That old sleaze is Sadie’s father?”
Uncle? No, no this cannot be happening.
Seeing what must be a look of utter horror on my face, Mr Lawson tries to reassure me. “He’s not a proper uncle, Sadie. It’s one of those things you get your children to call family friends as a sign of respect.”
Thank freaking God. My body literally sags with relief. The implications of Nicholas possibly being related to me were something I can’t begin to consider. I’ve had enough shocks for one day.
“So how did this Andrew, my father, end up with my mother?”
“It was some years later that they met. He liked your mother and she knew Andrew and I were friends. It was a way for her to keep in contact with me. Andrew established a bond based on that, their friendship grew and eventually they became lovers. Andrew cared about your mother deeply. He was essentially a good man but he was a commitment-phobe. As soon as he knew your mother was pregnant he ran for the hills. I was married by that time, Nicholas must have be four or five. Your mother and I saw each other around the Bay during that summer and it was hard. Your mother leant on Andrew to ease the pain of seeing me with someone else.”
And got pregnant with me. No wonder my mother never went near another man after that. To be let down once was a tragedy but to have it happen to you twice would make you gun shy for sure.
I flop back into the cushions of the sofa. It’s funny how I can sit here and listen while this man fills in details of my mother’s life I never knew, how we can all be so matter of fact about it. Now I understand why my mother hated going to the Bay so much, why we stopped. She must have seen the Lawson’s playing happy families. She must have been consumed with guilt over the baby that died. And forever wondering about what might have happened if it hadn’t. But my mother is gone. History can’t be changed.
“Mr Lawson?”
“Please, call me Clay. If you’re going to be my daughter-in-law we have to move past the formalities.” He smiles at me. It’s Nicholas’ smile, the one that melts my heart and suddenly I see so much of Nicholas in this man, so many of the same qualities. Nicholas is simply an improved version. Beside me on the couch, I feel him squeeze my hand. He was dreading this meeting, thinking his father would refuse to accept me but, in reality, the sadness of the past has been the catalyst for what might be a happy relationship. My mother was never truly happy and Mr Lawson obviously has some regret that he never married her, but now a new chapter is starting. Nicholas and I have the opportunity to change the history of this family.
“Clay. Are you still friends with my father?”
“He died about two years ago, Sadie. Heart attack. He never married either. Stayed a bachelor till the end. He would have loved you, though. You are so much like your mother when she was your age.”
It was in the paper. I remember reading it in the paper. Andrew Barrett was one of the most eligible bachelors in the country. He was like the George Clooney of society. There was always another woman linked to him, or rumoured to be engaged to him, but it never happened. Had my mother loved him too? Had that been what tipped her over the edge? Was my father’s death the reason she drowned? Had she killed herself? I don’t like to think that’s the reason but this has been a revelation and all the pieces have fallen into place.
*****
Later that night, I wake from a terrible dream, one where Nicholas has died. It’s a long time since I’ve been restless in the night like this, but at least I’m not alone. I cling to Nicholas’ back in the darkness, my silent tears against his shoulder waking him.
“What’s wrong?” he whispers, shuffling round and gathering me to him.
“We’re repeating history, Nicholas,” I sniff. “You, me and Joel. It’s happening all over again. I would never have believed if I hadn’t heard the words coming from your father’s mouth.”
“Surely you, of all people, don’t believe in that stuff?” He wraps me tighter. “What you and I have is nothing like what happened with our parents. It’s not destiny or fate or anything like it. For starters, I can’t exactly imagine my father sharing any woman in the bedroom.”
Ugh. The idea that our parents had sex is pretty gruesome.
“You know what I mean— the best friends, my mother loving two men, the baby. I’m having your baby. It’s history repeating. It is. But the baby could have as easily have been Joel’s. Now Joel’s disappeared, like my father did. We’ll never see him again.”
“Do you want him to come back? Do you want to marry him? Are you afraid you’ve made the wrong choice? Is that what this is about?”
I sense a tinge of anger in his voice. Or hurt. Fuck. Why do I do this? Why do I obsess and hurt him so.
“You know it’s not. You know I love you both. I always have. I don’t want Joel more than you. I can’t bear the thought that it’s over, that our friendship is over because of a baby.”
“Shhh,” he soothes. “You’re overreacting. Joel will come back. He disappears for a while but he always comes back. This is not a replay of the past. You’re reading things into this that don’t exist.”
“How do you know? Since when are you the destiny police?”
“Because I know for a fact history can’t repeat itself. If it did you and I wouldn’t be together. I’d be marrying whats-her-name from Dad’s club and making him proud and you’d be working as a gardener.”
“I’m not a gardener!
” Pretentious arse. How dare he when he knows how hard I worked for my degree. I’m getting more worked up. It’s not the gardener thing, it’s that he’s either being deliberately obtuse or not understanding what I mean.
Or it could be the hormones again.
Damn, fucking, arsehole hormones.
I start to weep again. Honestly, I might as well declare my tear ducts a mineral spring and let people come bathe in them for the amount I cry lately. “I dreamed you died. I was looking into your coffin and your body was cold and lifeless. I can’t be left alone, Nicholas. I’ve lost Joel. I can’t lose you too. I can’t be alone my entire life like my mother was, with only a baby to love. I can’t do this without you⎯”
Okay, so that’s a little overdramatic but I think the point is sinking in.
“⎯It was so real, so scary,” I say. “Promise me you’ll never leave me, Nicholas. Promise.”
“You know I’ll never leave you. I love you.”
“Promise.”
“I promise.”
I suck in a deep breath. I feel somewhat calmer now, so I give him a peck on the lips. “You do know if you break that promise, I’ll never forgive you.”
He pecks me back. “Seems a little pointless if I’m dead.”
Argh. Why is he always the winner?
Nicholas rolls over in the bed. His chest covers mine but he adeptly avoids my bump. The pressure of his body makes it uncomfortable these days. I twine my arms around his neck and nuzzle him. Tenderly, he sweeps a strand of hair from my face and tucks it behind my ear. He leans close, his nose touching the tip of mine. His breath is warm and comforting against my cheek. “You are absolutely insane, Sadie Cooper. Totally whacked in the head. But you’re my little hormonal nutcase and I can’t wait for the day I call you Mrs Lawson.”