“Can we go for a walk?” she asked, wiping a sheen of sweat from her brow. “I’d like to talk about this with you alone.” She glanced at Heaven, her heart sinking. She liked Heaven, just as she’d liked Tam at one point.
“Uh, sure. I’ll go change my shirt. One sec.”
He got up and disappeared around the corner. Heaven, still leaning against the doorway, continued to glare. “I had no idea one of the guys you were talking about was my brother,” she snapped. “If I’d known that, I would have told you what I’m going to tell you right now.”
Avery felt herself freeze up as Heaven crossed the room and leaned over the back of the couch to look her in the face. Her breath smelled of peanuts, and Avery remembered her father worked for a company that had something to do with airplanes. Maybe that was where she got all the little packages of peanuts. Her big, heavily lined eyes blinked twice before she spoke again.
“If you break my brother’s heart, I’ll eat you alive, understand? He’s been through more than you can even imagine. The last thing he needs is someone messing around behind his back—whether you mean to or not. I don’t care about your memory problems.”
Avery tried to swallow but couldn’t. “He asked me out in the first place because of you. I don’t want to hurt him, I promise.”
“Oh, that.” Heaven nodded and stood up straight, folding her arms again. Her nostrils flared. “So, that’s all this is, then—my challenge for him to find a date? Is that what you’re saying?”
“No … but that’s how it st—”
“You ready, Avery?” Jordan walked into the room, now wearing a T-shirt, brown leather jacket, and a pair of jeans with holes in the knees.
Scrambling off the couch, Avery practically ran across the room and followed him out the front door. She wasn’t sure if Heaven was still glaring at her or not.
“I’m really sorry about that,” he said as she followed him around the corner to the driveway. “Heaven is really protective of me, even though I’m a guy and she’s my little sister. Should be the other way around, but she’s not your typical girl, if you haven’t noticed.”
Avery smiled and nodded. “Are we going somewhere?” She looked down at Jordan’s bullet bike and realized he was holding a helmet out for her. She’d never ridden on a street bike before, and swallowed down a rush of fear.
“Yeah, I think it’ll be good for both of us. You don’t want to?” He looked down at the helmet in his hand.
She could do this. The ride would at least give her some time to think about how she was going to explain herself to him.
“No, it’s fine,” she answered, and snatched the helmet from him. “I just don’t know what I’m doing, that’s all.”
He grinned as he put on his own helmet and left the visor up. “There’s not much to it,” he explained. “I’ll get on and start the bike. You get on after me, from the left side. Then put your arms around me and hold on. If you need me to stop, just tap my right shoulder.”
“Sounds doable.” She put on her helmet and thought she must look pretty stupid since it felt so big around her head. Still, she didn’t want to die if they crashed.
She watched as he climbed onto the bike and started it up. It was sleek and black and low and the engine rumbled smoothly through the night.
“We’re not going far,” he said loudly.
“Okay!” she yelled back, and mounted the bike. Her butt slid forward a little, and she wrapped her arms around Jordan’s middle. He felt so good against her. She wanted to lean her head on his shoulder, but that was impossible with the helmet on. Bracing her feet against the foot rests, she tensed as Jordan backed out of the driveway and pulled onto the street. When she looked back at his house, she saw Heaven standing on the porch with a piece of torte on a plate, watching them as they took off in a roar of engine noise and Avery’s silent gasps.
* * *
Riding Jordan’s bullet bike was like riding the wind. Avery had never felt anything as liberating as racing down that road, holding tightly to someone who gripped the balance, the speed … her life in his hands.
Maybe it wasn’t as dramatic as all that, but as long as she was on the back of that bike, all her senses were heightened. She felt powerful, which was a feeling she hadn’t expected. She’d expected to feel nothing but fear.
When Jordan pulled into an empty parking lot and turned off the bike, he nodded for her to get off. She removed her helmet as soon as she was on solid ground.
“That was really fun,” she said, her breathing faster than normal.
“Now you see why I’ve spent all my money on this baby rather than a car,” he laughed, patting the bike. He took her helmet and motioned for her to follow him up a small path. “Come on, I’ve got something to show you.”
She followed him to a park overlooking a body of water. There was so much water in Seattle she had no idea which part this was. The air was cool on her face. The gravel on the paved path crunched under her feet. Jordan looked over his shoulder every now and then to make sure she was still with him. She wondered if he was upset about what Heaven had said. She wondered how much she should confess to him. Was there anything to confess, really? He’d been truthful with her. The least she could do was tell him she’d made out with his friend just last night.
“Jordan, where are we going?” she asked after five minutes of walking.
“A good spot to see the skyline over Lake Union. It’s really pretty from here at night.”
The trail wound over some grassy hills, each second bringing the skyline more and more into view. Jordan was right. It was pretty all lit up beneath a purplish sky. The lights twinkled on the glassy surface of the lake, all somehow lesser than the yellow-white magnificence of the Space Needle.
“Oh, good, the benches are empty,” Jordan said as they neared the top of a hill looking over the lake. “They’re usually taken whenever I come.”
They sat down on the first bench and Jordan dumped the two helmets on the other one. Avery shifted across the wood planks, unsure of how close she should sit to him.
“Have you been to the top?” he asked as he leaned back.
“Of the Space Needle? Nope.”
“Been to the fish market?”
“Nope.”
“You said you’re from Spokane, right?”
“I’ve lived there for the past few years.” She took a deep breath and held it in for a good thirty seconds. She wasn’t sure where Jordan wanted any of this to go.
“Well, I’d be happy to take you around to all the hot spots in Seattle … if you want.”
She didn’t know what to say, so she kept her mouth closed. Silence surrounded them, broken only by the sound of talking somewhere behind them in the distance.
“So, about my sister,” he said after clearing his throat. “You know, what she said about the other guys? Do you want to talk about it? I’m curious.”
“Yeah, that.” She swiped a hand across her forehead. She was starting to sweat. Ugh.
Just get it out, Avery.
“It shouldn’t matter, I guess. I mean, we’re not together, you and me. Right? I mean, all I told Heaven was that I’m interested in three different guys. She didn’t know one of them was you.”
Jordan grunted and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. He looked over at her, his eyes sparkling. “That’s it?”
She shrugged. “One of them is someone you know.”
“Yeah?”
“Kent.”
He sat back again and released a long breath. “I was about to say it’s none of my business who else you’re interested in. Like you said, we’re not together. But, yeah … Kent kind of changes things.”
“I thought it might. I went out with him last night.”
His eyes snapped to hers, filled with a question he didn’t have to voice with words. Not that it was any of his business what she’d done with Kent, but she still felt some sort of obligation to keep talking.
“He took
me ice skating. Then we hung out on my front porch. He’s nice.” He’s also a really good kisser, like you … minus that electrifying shock that happens when we touch each other.
“Lots of girls like Kent,” he said, shrugging. “So he didn’t … you two … I mean …” He looked away and cleared his throat again. “That’s none of my business, sorry.”
“No, we didn’t. Why?”
He practically shrank away from her with embarrassment or something else, she wasn’t sure. “No reason. Kent’s a bit of a player, that’s all. I’m not judging you for liking him, but I’m surprised it didn’t go that far. It always goes that far with him and his dates, and I’ve known him for quite a while.”
She wanted to tell him it might have gone that far if they’d had a room to themselves, but she didn’t. She kept her eyes on the city lights. Besides, where had things been going on Jordan’s couch before Heaven showed up? Not that she’d felt pushed into anything. Far from it. But she was a virgin, and who knew how far she’d actually go? It was one thing to mess around. Quite another to commit.
“So, do you want to keep seeing me, then?” Jordan asked, finally looking at her again. “I’ll admit my ego is shattered from knowing I’m not the only bright, shining star in your universe, but I can cope until you decide what you want.”
Her lips spread into a smile. He really was too good to be true. “Thanks, Jordan. That means a lot. And yes, I’d like to keep seeing you.”
“Can you tell me who the other guy is?”
“Just a guy named Owen.”
She cringed, realizing she probably sounded a little too dreamy when she said Owen’s name. The good thing was that she’d remembered his name. She also remembered his Vans and the streak of chain grease on his jeans. She remembered studying biology with him, spreading out on the grass on their stomachs.
Pushing herself back to the moment, she realized the other good thing was it looked like she wasn’t going to have to tell Jordan about her forgetfulness.
“Honestly,” she said after another minute’s silence, “I’ve been having a hard time with this. I feel guilty.” She lowered her voice and stared at the concrete. “I’ve never dated anyone before, and now all of a sudden … look at me.”
He looked at her, his lips twitching at the corners. “I think you’re being too hard on yourself. It’s college. What did you expect to happen? You’re pretty and nice and fun to talk to. Stuff’s gonna happen. Me, on the other hand—I’m the total opposite. You’re the first girl I’ve been with in three years.” He leaned a little closer to her and stretched his arm across the back of the bench. “That’s why I said tonight was a special occasion.”
She tried not to look at his mouth and think of how good it felt against hers. “Is that why Heaven told me she’ll eat me alive if I break your heart? What happened, Jordan?”
He looked out across the lake, slowly lifting his left hand to his mouth. After a few seconds, Avery realized he was biting his fingernails, just like he’d admitted to doing the first time she met him. He chewed on his index fingernail, and then moved to his pinkie, followed by his thumb. Finally, he stopped and lowered his hand.
“Her name was Callie,” he said in a fragile voice. “We grew up together. We were best friends; our relationship didn’t get romantic until college. We got married the end of our freshman year. I was nineteen. My parents thought we were insane, but they didn’t mind because they already loved Callie like a daughter, and Heaven was so happy when she could really call Callie her sister.”
He paused for a moment, still staring out at the lake. Avery waited patiently.
“Callie got really sick not long after our wedding,” he finally continued, “and nobody knew how things would turn out for her, even her doctors.” He took his arm away from the back of the bench and leaned forward. “It’s one of those things you see in sappy chick flicks, but it wasn’t just a story—it was my life. It was real, and it wasn’t fair. It wasn’t anything you haven’t heard before. People die every day from cancer.”
Avery looked down at her hands. “Is that why you dropped out of school?”
“Yeah, I couldn’t go back. I had to focus on something completely different. Dad understood and helped me get my job. He paid out my lease on our apartment and moved my mom out of her house so I could have it to myself. Everyone knew I had to be alone with as little to worry about as possible. It was embarrassing, actually, like I was the sick one now, like everyone expected me to die of a broken heart.”
Heaven’s words made sense now. Too much sense. Avery squeezed her eyes shut. She couldn’t do this. She ended up hurting everyone in her life outside of family. It was only a matter of time before she hurt Jordan, and since it was clear he still hadn’t completely healed from his loss, she couldn’t bear knowing her own recklessness would slice into his already gaping wounds.
“Jordan, I’m so sorry,” she whispered. “My dad died three years ago in Afghanistan. It was really hard. It’s still really hard.”
He nodded. “Nobody’s immune to it. I don’t even know why you’re different for me, Avery … but you are.” He looked at her again. The city lights reflected in his eyes. “You don’t even remind me of her. She had bright red hair and freckles. I used to think I’d find someone just like her and I’d be happy again, but then I realized that was stupid. You can’t replace people. You just have to fill different gaps and learn to live with the gaps others have left behind.”
Her eyes filling with tears, she nodded. That was exactly how she’d felt since her father’s death. The gap he’d left had healed over quite a bit, but it was still there. It would always be there. There were other gaps too. The one Tam had left. The one Ryan had left. All those other broken friendships she could only remember if she read back in her journal—all of them broken because of something she’d done, or forgotten to do.
Now, with Jordan right in front of her, she felt he’d already left a mark on her—something deep she wasn’t going to be able to erase. He was going to leave a gap, even though she’d only known him a short time. She had to get out of his life before that gap got any wider, for both of them.
15
Thursdays were Avery’s easy days, since all she had was her biology class and work. Unsurprisingly, Heaven hadn’t shown up for work on Wednesday, and Avery doubted she would show up today either. Avery was grateful, to say the least. She wasn’t ready to face Heaven’s sisterly wrath yet.
Instead of standing in line for a hot dog, Avery kept on walking to the smaller undergraduate library across the way where she could get a sandwich and coffee on the ground floor.
Maybe she was hiding from Owen. Maybe she wanted a change of scenery. Whatever her reasons, she found herself alone in a dark corner with a turkey sandwich and a latte, wishing she wasn’t such a coward. But it was better this way. Simpler. Quieter. If she stayed away from Owen, there was no way she could hurt him—at least, beyond avoiding him, of course. She didn’t even know his last name. Or she didn’t remember it.
Pulling out her books, she spread everything out on the table in front of her and started organizing her notes. Green Post-its for her architecture class. Blue Post-its for biology. Purple for English. Yellow for people.
Mom and Chloe’s birthday is on Saturday. Get Chloe something TODAY. Mail a card to Mom SOON.
She squeezed her eyes shut, cursing under her breath. She had forgotten to mail a card to her mother, and she still hadn’t bought something for Chloe. She had no idea what to get her.
“Studying hard?”
Ugh. Not her.
Opening her eyes, Avery looked up at Tam. Her hair was in a high ponytail today, and she was back to wearing the lime green glasses. Probably just for looks. They did make her look smart.
“Yep,” Avery snapped. “Studying very hard. So, if you don’t mind …”
Completely ignoring the affront, Tam pulled out the chair across the table and sat down. “Hmm, is the turkey good here? I haven’t t
ried it yet.” She reached over to Avery’s plate and snatched a piece of turkey that had fallen out of the sandwich.
Avery glared at her, not sure how far she would let this go. “Listen,” she seethed, leaning forward, “if you’re upset about getting kicked out of Jordan’s party, it’s not my fault. You knew it was an over twenty-one party. You’re still eighteen.”
“And you’re nineteen,” Tam replied, practically yawning. “Guess you weren’t kicked out?”
“No, but how did you even get the address? Jordan told me he didn’t invite you or tell you where it was.”
Rolling her eyes, Tam popped the piece of turkey into her mouth. “I saw it on your yellow Post-it, you dork. You were holding it when we ran into each other on the stairs.”
Avery clenched her teeth. Of course. Not that she remembered much from that moment, but it seemed the only likely explanation. It was time to end this.
“What do you want, Tam? You’re obviously after something, so let’s get it over with. I guess my senior year of being a social outcast wasn’t enough payback for your broken heart?”
Tam studied Avery’s face, her big eyes unblinking. “You still think that’s what the whole thing was about? Ryan?”
“Well, yeah.” Avery leaned back in her chair and folded her arms. “You know it was.”
Tam smirked. “It was about a lot more than that, Avery. You broke my trust as a friend. A best friend. I took you in, and all you ever did was shove it back in my face over and over and over. Ryan was the last straw. All I did was send you right back to what you were before you met me. It shouldn’t have been anything different for you.”
Avery blinked. Tam’s words stung more than she wanted to admit. Her dad had been stationed on different bases over the years, but she wasn’t sure if her lack of social skills and friends had to do with moving around or if it had to do with her personality. She had attended one elementary school, two junior highs, and two high schools, the last being Shadle in Spokane. She hadn’t made many friends at any of them. She’d grown up lonely, like Aunt Chloe was lonely now, so maybe Tam was right. She’d gone right back to what she’d always been.
If I Forget You Page 12