“One thing was different this time around,” she said, looking into Tam’s eyes. “Everybody knew me as a traitor.”
Tam shrugged. “You were a traitor, weren’t you?”
“I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“Didn’t you? After that promise you made for things to go back to normal? After all those times I told you about me and Ryan and how good things were? After everything I did for you?”
Tam’s nose wrinkled with disgust, and Avery looked away.
“You were broken,” Tam said through gritted teeth as she leaned across the table. Her elbow crumpled the edge of a purple Post-it note. “You cried about your dad all the time. I went with you to the cemetery, like, thirty times, just so I could stand there with you as you talked to his grave. I helped you with your clothes, your hair, your makeup, everything. I gave up a lot of time with my other friends just to be with you, Avery. I could tell you needed someone, and I stepped in. And what did I get in return?”
Avery looked down at her sandwich and sniffed back a wave of tears. Everything Tam said was true.
“I stole Ryan away from you,” she whispered, knowing it was the only thing Tam wanted to hear. Besides, it was true.
“Yeah, and you wonder why I was so upset. It was more than Ryan. A lot more. I gave and gave and gave to you, and I guess you just forgot to give back. I always thought it was adorable how you’d forget things, but then when the Ryan stuff happened I realized it was nothing but an excuse.” Leaning back, she waved her hand at Avery’s Post-its scattered across the table. “Look at you, Ave. Seriously. Just look.”
Her eyes glistening, Avery swept her gaze across the table. Her life was organized on paper right down to what page she had to read in her biology book that afternoon. But in reality, her life was turning into a complete and utter wreck. And she had no idea how to fix it, especially without her mother’s help.
“You need to change,” Tam said softly as she stood and looked down at Avery, who was trying desperately not to cry. “I was dead serious when I told you I want to start over with our friendship, but if you’re still the same old Avery, maybe that’s a bad idea.”
“Go away, Tam,” Avery hissed through her teeth. “Just go away.”
“Whatever you want.”
When Avery looked up, she saw Tam walking out of the building. There was no way Avery was going to be able to study, or even eat, now. She gathered up all of her stuff, dumped her food in the trash, and got out of there as fast as she could.
As soon as she was outside, the rain hit, pelting her as she dug in her bag for her umbrella. Of course. Gone. She couldn’t even remember where she’d left it. By the door? In her bedroom? Maybe she’d left it in one of her classes.
“Want to share mine?”
A familiar voice and a familiar pair of Vans. She looked up into Owen’s blue eyes. He was nice and dry beneath his black umbrella, and without thinking she slipped underneath it, so close to him that it was only natural for him to slide an arm around her shoulders.
“Thanks,” she laughed, looking down at her damp shirt. “You were looking for me, weren’t you?”
“Of course I was.”
He smiled when she turned in his loose embrace to face him. His goatee was a little fuller today, but still neatly trimmed. His smile broke into a grin.
“This is nice,” he whispered, his breathing a little faster. “Glad I decided to walk this way. Want to go inside or walk around?”
“Either is fine with me.”
He had assumed, of course, that she wanted to stay with him all afternoon, just as she had on Tuesday. He was correct in his assumption, but she still felt sore from Tam’s attack, and even worse, she felt an obligation to tell him she wasn’t interested in moving this relationship past friendship. For his own good.
“Have you been to the gardens?” he asked as they headed toward the library where Avery worked.
“No … what gardens?”
“The medicinal gardens. You’ll get to work in them the more you get into your major.”
She smiled. “I haven’t explored much around here, honestly, but if you want to go there, that’s fine.”
Owen took a sharp turn and they headed south toward the large fountain in the middle of the main campus. Most students had umbrellas, and those who didn’t either pulled up their hoods and scrunched up their shoulders or kept walking as if getting wet didn’t bother them in the slightest. The rain didn’t seem to bother anyone around here, and Avery had to admit it didn’t bother her much either. She was getting used to the smell of it, even the taste of it in the air.
“So,” Owen said, his arm still draped around her shoulders to keep her under the umbrella, “any reason you decided against a hot dog today? Worried about the heart attack possibilities?”
She nearly tripped on her own feet. “What? No! I just wanted something different today, that’s all.”
He gave her a sly look and kept walking. “Heart attack on a bun, yeah. What’d you get instead?”
“A turkey sandwich.” That I didn’t eat.
“Sounds good.”
She knew he was waiting for her to explain why she hadn’t met him at the food truck. It had been a silent, implied agreement on Tuesday that they’d meet up again, and the hot dog truck was the obvious meeting place.
“I’m sorry, Owen,” she said as she kept her eyes on the ground. They rounded the fountain and a small burst of wind blew a spray of fountain water and rain across her cheek. She wiped it away, hoping Owen couldn’t tell how uncomfortable she was with his arm around her. “I was thinking maybe we—”
“You didn’t have to meet me today,” he interrupted, “if that’s what you were thinking. I’m not upset.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, really … but I’m glad I ran into you.”
They walked in silence. They were reaching a part of campus she couldn’t remember seeing before. Beyond one of the many tall, ancient red buildings, Owen led her past a garden filled with neatly planted squares labeled with small signs.
“Was that it?” she asked as they kept walking.
“Part of it. If we go a little farther across the road here, there’s a covered area by the bus stop.”
They reached the other garden and he nudged her inside a little gray sitting area with a roof. Shaking out his umbrella, he sat down and ran a hand across his forehead.
Sitting next to him, Avery looked out at what she could see of the garden. It was lush and green, and a part of her wanted to run in the rain and start looking at all the plants, even if it meant she’d get soaked.
“Owen, I have to tell you something,” she said as he folded up his umbrella and snapped it closed.
“Yeah?” He set his backpack on the ground and turned to face her. “What’s up?”
“You know how I said I like you?”
“How could I forget?” His expression softened just as it had on Tuesday. Was she about to make a mistake? It didn’t matter. She had to get this out.
“I didn’t lie—I do like you, but I don’t think we can let it go any further than it has already. Things are kind of complicated for me right now. I need to focus on school, and I—”
“It’s fine,” he interjected quickly. “Really, don’t worry about it.”
She liked the way his hair was curlier today than it had been on Tuesday or any other time she remembered seeing him. It was probably because of the humidity. She had to sit on her hands to keep from pushing one of those curls off his forehead. That made her think about brushing the chocolate off Jordan’s brow, and she nearly bit her tongue. Yeah, this had to end. Now. Next up was Kent. She’d see him tomorrow in class.
“Friends is fine with me,” he said as he watched her slide her hands underneath her thighs. “Honestly, I wasn’t expecting more at this point. We can be study partners. You helped me a lot on Tuesday—way more than my stupid housemates when I ask them to quiz me. They don’t care about this stuff like y
ou do.” He kicked his backpack and smiled. “Is that okay?”
“Study partners? Yeah, that’s great.” She exhaled a long, relieved breath, trying not to sound too pleased. Studying she could handle. Maybe … until Owen realized how much she forgot in a matter of days.
“You’re dying to go look at the garden, aren’t you?”
Realizing she’d gone back to staring out the open window again, she nodded. “It looks great. So many different plants in one spot.”
“They’re all labeled too. You’ll love it.”
She stood up. “You afraid of a little rain?”
“Not at all.” He stood and followed her out into the garden, leaving his umbrella tucked in his backpack as he swung it onto his shoulders. “Wait until you see the Hindu monkeys,” he laughed. “They supposedly guard this place.”
“Sounds ominous.”
As they walked through the drizzle, their feet crunching on the gravel below, Avery almost forgot about Tam and the turkey sandwich. She looked at signs that said things like Oenothara biennis, which she knew was a biennial primrose plant. Every few minutes she would stop and look at Owen, who would smile at her as he looked up from studying a thistle plant or a pomegranate tree, and the pain would come crashing back.
“I gave and gave and gave to you, and I guess you just forgot to give back.”
Was she really so selfish, even if it wasn’t on purpose? Perhaps it was best for her to keep Jordan, Kent, and Owen at arm’s length for that very reason. It was best for her to retreat back into her loneliness.
16
Last Year
When Avery showed up on Tam’s doorstep with a freshly baked pan of mint brownies, she was hopeful the big misunderstanding could be made right. After all, this was a guy who had come between them, and guys came and went. Friendships were supposed to last through anything.
The problem was Avery really didn’t believe that. Too many times she’d inadvertently lost people in her life because of minor, seemingly insignificant things.
“Brownies aren’t going to fix this,” Tam growled when she opened the door. She was dressed in her favorite pair of purple sweatpants, the waistband rolled down far enough to show a strip of her toned abs and tiny bellybutton. Her tight black T-shirt had PINK stamped across the chest.
“I don’t expect the brownies to fix anything,” Avery muttered, “but I hoped they’d at least get me in the door so you’ll let me explain what happened.” She raised her eyebrows. “Pretty please?”
Tam stared down at the pan. Avery could tell her mouth was watering. It was Saturday morning, early enough that she probably hadn’t eaten breakfast yet.
“Fine, come in.” She let go of the doorknob and turned on her heel.
Following her inside, Avery smiled at Tam’s little brothers who were playing video games in the living room. Tam led her into the kitchen where her mother was beating eggs in a bowl. She was as perfectly put-together as Tam, with a tiny waist, big chest, and a headful of gorgeous curly black hair. “Oh, Avery!” she cried out as they walked over to the table. “Good morning. You staying for breakfast?”
“Uh, I don’t know,” Avery said, looking at Tam. “Maybe?”
Tam snatched the pan of brownies from Avery’s hands and marched over to the counter. “We’re going upstairs, Mom.” Grabbing a spatula, she dug out four brownies, slid them onto a plate, and motioned for Avery to follow her up to her room.
Like everything else about Tam, her room had a lot of green in it. Lime green comforter. Lime green lampshades. Lime green rug on the floor. She and Avery had spent a lot of time sprawled out on that rug, either looking at magazines and listening to music or gossiping about boys or talking about what they wanted to do with the rest of their lives. Avery even remembered crying on that rug at one point—not her finest moment ever. If she remembered correctly, it had something to do with her dad’s death. Tam was always willing to give her a shoulder to cry on when it came to that. Now, however, she didn’t seem willing to do anything but sit cross-legged on her bed and take huge bites out of the first brownie.
“Close the door,” she snapped as soon as Avery walked inside.
“Sure.” Avery closed it and turned the lock, then stood in the middle of the room. Her stomach rumbled, and she wished she had taken a brownie too.
“Here.” Tam reluctantly handed over a brownie. Avery took it and nibbled on the edge. She’d woken up at 6:30 to make them.
“So, about Ryan,” she began. “Please don’t hate me. I kind of hate myself because of my stupid brain. I forgot something really, really important.”
Tam rolled her eyes and started on her second brownie.
“I went home last night and dug out one of my journals—the one I was writing in last December. That’s when I met Ryan for the first time, but I didn’t remember it. At all. I know that sounds stupid, but you know me.”
Tam rolled her eyes again.
“Well, I found the entry from when I met him. See, last night he was acting all intimate around me when he was at my house. I couldn’t figure it out because I knew he liked you, not me. Then he said something about a kissing deal …”
Tam’s eyes snapped to Avery’s. She stopped chewing.
“Yeah, I know. You’d think I’d remember a kissing deal, right? Well, I didn’t. Maybe I didn’t take it seriously then, so I just swept it out of my mind. Turns out we had some heartfelt talk about my dad. We talked about a lot of things, I guess, and somewhere in there we talked about my virgin lips. He felt bad for me. He couldn’t believe I had never kissed anyone. He said I was too pretty not to have kissed anyone, but he wasn’t attracted to me that way. I guess I wasn’t attracted to him that way, either. We talked about that. We thought it was funny. So he said we should make a deal. If I hadn’t kissed anybody before he saw me again, he’d teach me how to kiss. Totally platonic.”
Tam was chewing again, but it was slow and methodic. The wheels in her head were obviously turning. Avery couldn’t tell if she believed her story or not, so she continued.
“Last night was the first time he saw me again, and when he had me backed up against the house like that, it’s because he was going to kiss me. It didn’t mean anything. I promise.”
Swallowing, Tam narrowed her eyes. “But I heard him say you liked him as more than a friend.”
That was what Tam had wanted to hear, and Avery was sure it was what she would believe she had heard until the day she died. Arguing about it seemed pointless.
“He didn’t say that, exactly, but yeah, I think he’s hot. Still, I would never try to steal him from you, Tam. I’m serious. This was all just a mistake … because I forgot stuff.”
Avery stared down at the green carpet, waiting for a reply. There were so many little things Tam always forgave—like whenever Avery forgot her wallet and Tam bought her lunch and never expected repayment, or all those times Avery forgot to meet Tam somewhere for something they’d planned. Their relationship was filled with countless things like this. Why should Ryan be any different?
But Avery knew why. Ryan was different because Tam saw Avery as competition, even though nothing could be further from the truth.
Tam lifted the last brownie off the plate, studying it before she looked up at Avery. “Ryan told me about how you’d met before, but he told me the deal you had between the two of you wasn’t something he felt you would want him to tell anyone, even me.”
“That was considerate … I guess.”
“I thought so, which is why I’m happy you’ve decided to tell me about it so I can stop all my worrying. I had no idea it was a kissing deal, but hey, now that we’ve got it all cleared up, it’s over with.” She took a bite of the last brownie. “Right?”
Avery nodded. “Sure, I guess so. I’ll stay Miss Virgin Lips and everything can go back to normal.”
“Yep,” Tam mumbled through the brownie. “Normal.”
If only it had ended there.
* * *
It
was Halloween before Avery saw Ryan again. Since he’d hooked up with Tam, Avery had thought she would see him constantly. But Tam hoarded him like a trophy she wanted to keep away from everyone, boasting about him almost every second she and Avery managed to get together—which wasn’t nearly as much as before he’d come along.
Avery wasn’t resentful. She was truly happy for Tam, and listened for hours as Tam told her about their latest date or make-out session or whatever new thing she had learned about him. Avery was pretty sure she knew him better now than he’d appreciate, but that was what best friends were for. She played the part. She was glad things had gone back to normal, so to speak.
When he showed up on her front porch dressed as Indiana Jones, she hardly batted an eye. Tam had told her how much he loved the Indiana Jones movies and how she’d had to sit through them twice now.
“Nice fedora,” she smirked as she opened the screen door and held out a bowl of candy.
He looked down at the bowl and snatched a fun-size candy bar from the middle. “I think it makes me look classic. What do you think?” He pushed on the brim with his knuckle until the hat sat angled on his head. He did look classic. She still liked his crooked nose, and the scruff on his face went well with the costume.
“You look great, Ryan,” she said as he tore open the candy bar and took a bite. She was proud of herself for keeping his name straight in her head, not that she could have possibly forgotten with Tam’s constant chatter about him.
“You look great, too,” he said, smiling at her ratty pair of sweats and baggy Kermit the Frog T-shirt. “Going for bored housewife, maybe?”
“Should I be offended by that question?” She set down the bowl and leaned against the door to keep it open.
“Nah, I’m kidding, of course.” His confident smile faltered for a moment. “So, uh, I’m not here for free candy. I actually stopped by because your mom called me last week and asked me to pick up a pair of earrings my mom left here the night of our dinner. I’m heading out to California this weekend to see her and Victor.”
If I Forget You Page 13