Overdone_The Loss of Reason

by Paloma Meir

  “No trains Mommy” Louisa lashed out at Zelda punching her in the face and having a fit.

  “Astrid help me, we have to go. We could try the southern hemisphere. We’ve never traveled that direction, New Zealand, Australia...” She begged in a pleading tone of voice while holding on to a squirming angry Louisa.

  “I quit Zelda. I can’t go back to Bucharest.” She muttered as she walked away from her.

  “Now you’ve upset Astrid.” She screamed at me and turned to Serge, a complete change of tone, “Hi Serge.”

  “Hi Zelda.” He replied to her in a tone of voice I hadn’t heard from him since college, or maybe even high school.

  “Marco watch them,” She said to him and added to me. “Marco is my bodyguard so don’t try anything.” She held tightly onto our screaming daughter and yelled apologies to Astrid as she ran into her house.

  “I’m the caretaker. I don’t know why she said that. I’m Marco. What’s going on here?”

  Serge burst out laughing.

  ”Hi Marco I’m Danny, Louisa’s father.” I held out my hand to him. “This is Serge.”

  “What’s up with the train hate?” Serge was having a hard time containing himself. I gave him a look to pull it together.

  “They spent a couple months traveling across Europe on trains. Something happened in Bucharest. They don’t like to talk about it.” He shrugged as if what he said made sense in some way.

  She came back outside alone, paying more attention to Serge than me.

  “Danny there are only two reasons that you could have come here for. One would be to apologize. Apology accepted, please go. Two would be to take my Louisa away. I am perfectly capable of traveling without Astrid. Louisa’s birth certificate still lists Paolo as her father. You have no rights to her. I will take Louisa to the mountains of the Maldives and you’ll never see us again if you don’t leave right now.” She crossed her arms and looked at me with anger. It was hard to take her seriously with the hearts on her face.

  “Good try Zelda. I appreciate a good alliteration but the Maldives are flat, no mountains.” Serge said to her.

  “I was using it as a literary device.” She held her hand over her mouth as if she were trying to cover her smile. It didn’t help. The smile was in her eyes.

  “That’s what I like best about you, you make things up as you go along, creative thinking.” He took a step closer to her. I had created this. I would have to deal with it.

  “Are you mad at me?” She asked.

  “I could never be mad at you. Mush.” He took another step closer to her.

  “Sorry to break up this little love reunion but we have to talk," I tried to say to Zelda.

  “Serge are you in love with me?” She asked him, ignoring me completely.

  “That would be a pain Zelda. I’m not in love with you.” He whispered something in her ear.

  “I don’t mind when you say that...” She replied to him in their incomprehensible language.

  “Zelda I’m not here to take Louisa. I want to be a part of her life. I’m not taking anyone anywhere.” She barely glanced at me.

  “I’ll think about it. I have something to show Serge. We’ll be right back.” She linked her arm through his and walked him to the storage shed. Walked? She practically skipped. I stood with Marco in shock about how differently things were going than I expected.

  “So where are you from?” Asked Marco.

  “Los Angeles. Do you think it would be okay if I went into the Main House?”

  “Sure just knock first, a lot of women in that house. It’s good manners.”

  “Good to meet you Marco.” I walked up the stairs to the Main House and knocked and looked over at the storage shed. Zelda had wrapped one of her black scarves around Serge’s neck and was kissing him.

  …

  Louisa was sitting on the floor of their large living room. The house was decorated in bent dark wood furniture and the tropical fabrics of the island. It was cozy with a ceiling fan moving slowly above us. In her hands was the blanket I had sent Zelda when our daughter was born. The bright colors had faded from multiple washings. She played with the long yarn hair of an old rag doll. Astrid sat in an overstuffed chair reading a book.

  I sat down next to her and watched her play. She was a talker telling the doll about what they would do for the rest of day. She was bossy like her father. I was blown away by what was passed on from one generation to the next. I touched her fine blond baby hair that looked to be growing into a darker color like mine. Astrid glanced up and rolled her eyes at me. I wondered what Zelda had told her about me.

  Louisa Goldberg was not an easy name. She had given her the beautiful name of Louisa Moreau Ortiz. Lulu, I would call her Lulu. Lulu Goldberg had a nice ring to it.

  “Hello again Louisa.” It would be easy to ignore the childish behavior of Zelda and Serge with Louisa by my side.

  “Hello,” She looked up at me and went back to playing with her doll. The atmosphere of the island and the house had a lazy feel. I took my chance.

  “Does anyone ever call you Lulu?”

  “My name is Louisa Moreau.” She said it with pride, her baby voice high.

  “That’s a beautiful name.” Here we go, “I’m your father Louisa.”

  “Can I see your spacesuit?” She looked up at me with excitement about seeing my spacesuit.

  “I don’t have it with me right now.” I looked up to Astrid for help.

  “How did you come down from the stars without a spacesuit?” She was very interested in me now.

  “Did Zelda tell her I was...” I asked Astrid knowing that saying dead wasn’t something I should say in front of her.

  “No, no she told her that love and stars are forever.” Astrid said warming up to me, the one who almost caused them to take another long journey of endless trains.

  “My Daddy is love.” She lost interest in me and went back to playing with her doll.

  “Lulu, may I call you Lulu? I left my spacesuit at the hotel. I’ll bring it over tomorrow.” I would have to find a spacesuit, road trip to Honolulu.

  “I’ll ask Mommy if that’s okay. It’s my naptime Daddy.” She crawled on my lap with her blanket around her and fell asleep. She had Zelda’s ability to nap at will.

  Astrid tiptoed over to us as we sat on the floor and extended her hands to take Louisa somewhere more suitable for naptime. I shook my head no. Astrid went back to her chair to finish her book. I sat on the floor with my daughter and watched her sleep.

  I don’t know how much time went by before Zelda and Serge came into the house. One of the hearts on her cheek was smudged and her lips looked swollen. I looked back down at Lulu to get my peace back.

  “Danny,” She whispered, “We have to talk. Let me put Louisa in her bed.” She lifted her gently out of my arms and took her upstairs to her room. Serge stared at her as she walked up the stairs. Smitten the two of them.

  She came back downstairs wearing a white gauzy dress over her bathing suit. She had put on lipstick and brushed her hair, the hearts on her cheeks wiped off. I knew she had done that for me and not Serge.

  “Astrid could you go outside and help Marco with the flowerbeds?” Astrid looked up from her book and they exchanged a series of looks that only meant something to them before she nodded her head and went outside.

  Zelda and Serge sat next to each other on the sofa. I stayed on the floor thinking it would be better for her, giving her the upper hand. I would have to remember my place in her life.

  “I don’t know where to start. The phrase “fuck bag of orifices” rings through my mind all the time. I don’t know which was worse, you wanting to do that to me, or you thinking that it would work, as if I hadn’t gained any life skills in all these years. I won’t go back to that proverbial alley with you Danny.”

  “Not telling me the words was the best decision you ever made...” He rose from the sofa. Zelda pulled him back down and whispered something in his ear.


  “I think that we should talk alone.” I ignored Serge and said to her.

  “Serge said that I could say anything to him. He stays here with me.” She put her head on his shoulder.

  “Saying I’m sorry would never be enough.” I resigned myself to bearing my soul in front of Serge, “I lost my mind. I’ll spend the rest of my life here with you and Louisa or anywhere you want, however you want it making it all right again. I’m here to be a part of Louisa’s life. I’m her father. You’re her mother. I’ll do whatever you want to make it work.” Her hard eyes softened up.

  “How long are you here for?’" She asked.

  “Serge goes back Wednesday morning. I’m staying Zelda. I’m not going back.” She ignored me and spoke to Serge. She would do this a lot. I thought of Louisa to take away the sting.

  “I don’t want you to go home, I don’t want the game to end.”

  “That’s all the time we have.”

  “Does it have to be that way?” She asked as he kissed her. The rules of their game became clear to me.

  “Enough of this middle school puppy love. We need to talk.” I reigned myself in. It didn’t matter I was invisible to them.

  “It’s really more high school.” He stared into her eyes.

  “Serge it’s more casual than that.” Her face moved close to his. The heavy scarf around his neck was making him sweat. I took a deep breath like she always did when stress got her down.

  “This is the only thing I’m going to ask of you Zelda. Please don’t do this in front of me. It’s hard.” She looked down at me a flicker of warmth in her angry eyes.

  “Fair enough.” She moved maybe an inch away from Serge. “Hotel living isn’t what you think it would be. You should look for a house nearby if living here is really your plan.”

  “My only plan was to bring Serge to you. No more plans.” That caught her off guard.

  “People aren’t objects to give but thank you.” She sat up, “I have a plan. You’re here for Louisa? On one hand I’m happy that you came here to be with her. It should always have been that way.” She looked like she was going to start crying, “On the other hand, you have a darkness in you. I don’t want you to control Louisa. She’s not me.”

  I started to speak, but she raised her hand to stop me.

  “Here’s what we’ll do. You take Louisa, Astrid and Marco back to the hotel with you and leave Serge here with me. Astrid and Marco will keep an eye on you. Louisa will sleep in Astrid’s room. I’m warning you Danny, Marco is the leader of a very violent gang here on the North Shore. I wouldn’t like to be you if you got out of line.” Serge flicked her nose. “We’ll come and spend the days with you at the hotel. Okay?”

  “I only have one room.” I dumbly stated not having the clarity to respond to anything else she had said.

  “Parenting is about solutions. Get two more rooms.”

  …

  They were late for breakfast the next morning. Lulu sat on my lap entranced by all aspects of me. She put her fingers in my nose and pulled my hair, asking me what is what like on the stars. Solutions, I told her that I jumped from one to the other trying to get back to her. She worried that I would go away again. I told her after all that hard work getting to her I would never go back again. She asked me why I lived in a hotel. Astrid saved me from that one, taking her into her lap and feeding her oatmeal. She had a quiet way about her always knowing when to jump in and fix problems. She didn’t speak much at breakfast and did not take full advantage of the buffet in the way that Marco and I did that morning.

  Marco had lived here on the North Shore his whole life. He was not involved in gang activity. He had never picked up a gun or beaten anybody up. He was a landscape designer/ gardener that Zelda had taken a liking to when he planted her plumeria bushes. She invited him to live rent-free in one of the cottages in exchange for grounds keeping. Surfing was his life. He surfed Pipeline at its height, which was going on at that time. He advised me not to try it. He said he would take Serge and me to a more manageable spot up the coast later in the day. Marco would be my friend much to the displeasure of my security obsessed Zelda.

  The breakfast lingered on while we waited for them to arrive. I got up to go to the bathroom across the lobby. There they were standing by the parrot cage kissing. When I asked them not to do it in front of me they had taken me at my word. They would make everyone late for the next four days being respectful to me. I looked away from them and continued on my way. In the bathroom I splashed cold water on my face over and over again hoping that they would have moved onto the restaurant by the time I walked out.

  No such luck. They never came up for air. Their hands stayed wrapped around each other but not exploring their bodies. It was very different than Zelda and I had ever been. I had kissed her all the time, but it always moved quickly on to other things, by her choice most of the time. Whatever they had going had a real sweetness to it.

  I remembered our first kiss she had been all over me from that first moment, insatiable considering it was her first kiss. I wished that I had held her off and had been as innocent as they seemed to be. I don’t know how Serge handled it. He was fast at home, always had been. I was happy he was here with us but at the same time wished that he would go home already.

  “Danny over here.” Serge waved me over as they pulled apart.

  “I’m sorry we’re late. Did you already eat?” She asked, not angry with me anymore. Serge as an emotional salve? Fine with me if it would get us over this hump.

  Another strange thing about what they had going was that when they weren’t wrapped up on each other it was as if nothing was going on between. He was her brother then he was her middle school boyfriend. They referred to high school a lot but high school kids had more maturity than them as far as I was concerned. Back and forth they went.

  “We’re finishing up. Why don’t you two get a plate and take it down to the pool? Lulu is up for a swim.” Zelda raised her eyebrows at my use of Louisa’s nickname but didn’t say anything about it. “Marco said he would take us for a surf this afternoon. You up for that?” I asked Serge.

  ”I love the water here. Yes.” He turned to Zelda. “Do you want to come with us?”

  “No thanks. Lots to do around the house.” She smiled.

  “Have you gone down to the beach at all since you moved here?” I asked her.

  “You don’t have the right to ask me that question.” She stomped off to the restaurant. I soured her quickly. Back to square one. Fine I wasn’t going anywhere.

  “Why did you ask her that?” Serge was clearly annoyed with me.”

  “An accidental question. Don’t worry. I’ll keep a better eye on myself.”

  “Don’t go psycho on us buddy.” He patted my back while we walked to the restaurant.

  …

  We had a great day at the pool, all of us even Astrid splashed around. Every two or three hours Zelda and Serge would wander off under the pretense of getting food or towels and do their thing. I bounced around with Lulu and focused all my attention on her. Marco and I tossed her around the pool. She loved it. At naptime she slept on my chest. Her warm breath on my neck lulled me into sleep with her.

  Marco, Serge and I went off surfing in the afternoon. Zelda stayed at the hotel with Astrid and Lulu and went for a walk in the Banyan forest that ran along the beach. Everyone went back to their respective rooms or houses after a big family style dinner. My room charges would be huge. I didn’t care.

  The next two days were the same. I had the sense that Astrid wanted to return home bored by frolicking poolside for days. Marco was into our schedule. He took us out Pipeline to show us why we couldn’t do it. The waves were twenty, thirty feet high. The beach was crowded with the surf contest. I could get used to island life. Shrimp trucks, beach and my family of Zelda and Lulu. What more could I want out of life? She picked paradise for us, or Astrid did according to their story.

  The day before Serge was to go back home Zelda moped,
a pout on her face at breakfast furiously whispering to him. She was lovesick puppy. He would be gone the next morning. I tried my best to eavesdrop on what they were saying. I think she said the game was over and to take her back to her house but Serge wanted to stay for the morning swim at least. Whatever was said, she won. They got up, said they were going home and would be back for dinner. Holding Lulu couldn’t even help me. Serge needed to be on a plane back home.

  The four remaining members of our hotel pool party were restless without Serge and Zelda. Their absence stronger than our presence, or maybe I was the only one feeling it. Without Zelda there we were free to walk down to the little bay beach by the hotel. Lulu ran into the ankle high tide, screamed covering her ears and then ran back to me. Marco went out snorkeling and Astrid read German magazines she bought at the sundry shop on the lounge.