"You do?"
"Yeah. And I don't know what to do about it. I moved here for the job and if I quit, I may not find another one here in town."
"Then find one somewhere else," I say, sadness coming over me at the thought of him leaving. I know I keep telling him to leave but part of me wants him to stay. Actually, all of me does, but I can't have what I want so it'd be best if he left.
"I can't move. I leased my apartment for the year. And I like it here. I just don't like the job."
"Then look for another job. It's a big city. You might be able to find something."
"Maybe, but it's not going to look good if I quit this job after only a few weeks. I feel like I have to stick it out for a year."
"Why do you hate it so much?"
"My boss. The partners. How they run the firm. It's all about money instead of what's right. That's not why I went into law."
"So what are you going to do? Be miserable until you can quit?"
"Probably."
"That sucks.
"Yeah, but at least at night I can come here. This is the best part of my day."
I laugh. "Yeah, right."
"It is." He looks at me. "It'd be even better if you didn't hide in the tent every night."
Why does he stay stuff like that? And why does he look at me that way? Like he thinks there's something between us? Okay, I know there's something between us, but I don't want there to be. I don't want to feel this way. It's too good. Too addictive. It makes me want more of him and that's the last thing I need. I've already done this once. I fell for a guy. Became addicted to how he made me feel. It made me careless. I didn't pay attention to what was going on and ended up on the streets.
I know Miles isn't Rob but I don't want to rely on him, or any guy, ever again. I need to get my life in order, on my own, before I can even consider a relationship again.
Miles tilts his head up, gazing up at the dark sky. He reaches over and takes my hand.
"What are you doing?" I ask, trying to pull away.
He holds on tighter. "It's dark."
"Yeah? So?"
"You know I get scared in the dark."
"That was a lie. You're not scared."
"Just go with it, okay?" He slides his fingers between mine and rests our joined hands on the arm of his chair. "This isn't so bad, is it?"
I don't answer, but the truth is, it's not bad. It's perfect. I love holding his hand. It's large and strong and his grip is just tight enough to make me feel safe, and I never feel safe in this alley, or on the streets. I haven't felt safe for months. Until I met Miles.
It's proof I can't trust myself. I shouldn't feel safe with a guy I've only known a few weeks. He could be hiding some deep dark secret, or be hoping I'll eventually give him sex in exchange for all the stuff he's bought me.
Knowing that's possible, I shouldn't trust him, and I shouldn't let him hold my hand. But I do, because now is one of the few times I've felt happy since being homeless. And I could use some happiness, even if it's just these few minutes sitting in the alley with a guy I don't really know but who seems to know me, and knows that this is just what I needed.
14
Miles
"How's the job?" Greg asks as I toss my laptop bag on the couch. It's Friday and I just got home from work.
"Still sucks." I go in the kitchen and grab a beer from the fridge. It's Friday and I could use a beer after the day I've had.
"What are you going to do?"
"Take it a day at a time and hope it gets better." I pop open the beer and take a swig.
"Why don't you look for other jobs?"
"I have, and I couldn't find anything. I don't want to talk about it. It's Friday and the last thing I want to think about is work." I go to the couch and sit down, putting my feet up. "How about you? How are things at the car dealership?"
"Good." He pauses. "I asked Kristen out."
"And? What'd she say?"
"We're going to dinner tonight. I'm picking her up at seven."
"Is this a friends thing or a date?"
"Not sure. I just asked if she was doing anything tonight and when she said she wasn't, I asked her to dinner."
"I'm sure she thinks it's a date."
"I doubt it. She hasn't given me any signs she likes me that way."
"Maybe she didn't think you were interested."
"How could she not know I was interested? I practically begged her to go out with me in high school."
"Yeah, but that was years ago."
"Trust me, she knows I'm interested. I get all nervous around her, just like I did in high school. I don't know how I'm going to make it through dinner. I'm already so nervous I'm sweating."
"Just relax. Think of tonight as two friends going out so there isn't so much pressure. If it ends up being more than that, great. If not, you'll find someone else."
"Yeah, I guess. So what are you doing tonight?"
"Not sure yet. The guys from work keep asking me to go out for a beer but I haven't done it yet."
"Why not?"
"Because they'll talk about work the whole time. They actually like the job so it's all they ever want to talk about."
"You need to meet a girl. What about the girl in your office building? The one who asked you out?"
"I didn't see her last week. I think she was on vacation."
"So you're just going to spend another Friday night alone? That's like four in a row now. What happened to you, man? You used to be the guy who had to be out every night and now you're not even going on out the weekends."
"I am. I'm just...never mind."
I haven't told Greg about Raine. I usually tell him everything but I've been putting off telling him about Raine because I know he'll tell me to stay away from her.
"What were you going to say?" he asks. "Are you dating someone and didn't tell me?"
I hesitate, then just say it. "I met a girl but we're not dating. We're taking things slow."
"When did you meet her?"
"A few weeks ago."
"A few weeks? Why didn't you tell me?"
"Because there's not much to tell. We went to dinner once, and got coffee, but other than that, we haven't really been out."
"Did you meet her at work?"
"No. She lives around here. I met her at the coffee shop near my apartment."
"So why don't you ask her out for tonight?"
"Because she'll turn me down. But I'll probably go over there later and hang out."
"You hang out with her but she doesn't want to go anywhere?"
"She doesn't want to date anyone right now. She's trying to figure things out. Find a job. She doesn't want to be in a relationship. But I really like her and I like hanging out with her."
"Miles, no offense, but I think the girl's trying to tell you she's not interested."
"She is. She just needs more time. It's complicated."
"You don't need complicated. Forget this girl and go find someone else."
"I don't want anyone else. I really like this girl. Her name is Raine and she's gorgeous. Dark hair. Dark eyes. And when she smiles, it's like the whole room lights up. And she's got a good heart. She takes care of this old lady, Gladys, like the woman was her grandma, even though she's only known her a few months. "
"I can tell you really like this girl but it sounds like it's not going to go anywhere. Just end it before you get hurt."
"I can't. Seeing her is the only good part of my day right now."
"But she doesn't feel the same way, so find someone who does."
"It's not that simple."
"Why? What's the deal with this girl? There's something you're not telling me."
Greg knows me better than anyone. He can always tell when I'm hiding something.
"She's homeless," I say.
The phone goes silent, then he says, "Let me get this straight. You're in love with a homeless girl?"
"I'm not in love. I just like her. A lot. And the homeless thi
ng is just temporary. Once she gets a job, she'll get off the streets."
"How's she going to get a job if she's homeless?"
"I'm going to help her. She doesn't like accepting help so it may take awhile but eventually she'll take my help and get back on her feet."
"Miles, I know you're not gonna like me saying this but I gotta be straight with you here. You've lost your damn mind if you're seriously trying to date a homeless girl."
I bolt up from the couch. "I knew you'd say that and it pisses me off. We've always said we'd support each other and now you're telling me I'm crazy for having feelings for this girl just because she's homeless? What the hell difference does it make?"
"Seriously? I know you're not that stupid."
"Meaning what, exactly?"
"People on the street are desperate. They'll do anything for money. Lie. Cheat. Steal. For all you know she could be a hooker."
"She's not a prostitute and don't you ever fucking say that again." I clench my fist, my anger building as I walk to the window.
"She could be an addict. You ever see her do drugs?"
"She's not an addict. Not anymore."
Shit. Why did I say that? I wasn't going to tell him that.
"So she IS an addict." He sighs. "Miles, what the hell?"
"She got hooked on prescription pain meds after a car accident but that was years ago. She hasn't touched the stuff since."
"That you know of."
"She's not on fucking drugs, and stop acting like you know her when you don't."
"Sounds like you don't either. You've known her for what? A few weeks?"
"Yeah, but I see her every day. I'd know if she was doing drugs. And so would Gladys. She'd tell me if Raine started using again."
"Why are you doing this, Miles? You're smart. Good looking. Got a high paying job. A great apartment. You could have any girl you want. Why the hell would you go after a homeless drug addict who has no interest in you? Do I need to fly out there and knock some sense into you?"
"FORMER drug addict. And Raine's definitely interested. She just won't let herself go there. She's embarrassed about her situation and wants to get a better life before she starts dating again. I'm trying to convince her it's possible to do both, and that I can help her if she'd just let me."
He's quiet, then says, "This is about your mom, isn't it?"
I shake my head. "It has nothing to do with that."
"How old is this girl?"
"I don't know. Maybe twenty-two?"
"And your mom was what...nineteen when she got kicked out?"
"Twenty, but this has nothing to do with her. And it's not the same. My grandparents kicked my mom out because she got pregnant. And she was only on the streets a few days."
"Still, you can't tell me this has nothing to do with that."
"Why would it?"
"You've always felt bad about what happened to your mom. You couldn't help her back then because you weren't born yet, but now you can help this girl."
"This has nothing to do with my mom. I liked Raine before I knew she was homeless. When I first met her, I knew I wanted to date her. There was just something drawing me to her. I asked her to have coffee with me, and after just a few minutes of talking to her, I knew I wanted to see her again. I had no idea she was homeless."
"How'd you find out?"
"I saw her on the street. Going through the trash."
I still feel bad when I think about that day. How ashamed she looked when she saw me. And sad. We'd had such a great night getting to know each other at the coffee shop. She was smiling and having a good time. Then the next day, when she knew I'd seen her digging through the trash, it's like a bubble burst. Like the night before was all a dream that ended the moment our eyes met on the street that day.
"Have you told your mom about her?"
"No, because I don't want her having the same reaction you did just now. I'm not trying to go back in time to somehow make up for what happened to my mom. That doesn't even make sense."
"It does, because you're the reason she ended up on the streets. If she'd never gotten pregnant, she would've kept living with her parents."
"She didn't get along with her parents. She was saving up money to move out. The pregnancy just speeded that up."
"And she ended up homeless, just like this girl."
"It's not the same. Raine didn't end up there because she was pregnant."
"Then what happened?"
"I don't know. She won't tell me. But I have a feeling it has to do with a guy. Gladys said some guy broke her heart. She said Raine's been through a lot and that I should give her time."
"So you're just going to wait for this girl to get her shit together when you could be out dating a normal girl with a job and a car and a place to live?"
"Just because Raine doesn't have those things doesn't mean there's something wrong with her. When the hell did you get so judgmental?"
"I just don't get why you'd want to date some girl that's got all these issues. You've got enough going on with a new job, new city. Why complicate things even more by going after some girl who lives on the streets?"
"Let's not talk about this anymore. I get that you don't approve but I don't need your approval to date her. Let's talk about something else."
"Actually, I need to get going. I have to get ready for my date, or whatever this dinner is. I’d like it to be a date but I'm not getting my hopes up."
"Good luck. Tell Kristen I said hi."
"I will. And hey, Miles, don't be pissed at me for what I said. I'm just looking out for you. You've got a big heart and I don't want some girl taking advantage of you."
"Yeah, got it. Bye." I end the call, still angry at him for reacting that way about Raine. He doesn't know her so he shouldn't be saying all that shit about her. She's not trying to take advantage of me. She won't even let me help her. I keep having to pretend to be getting rid of stuff to make her take it.
Feeling the need to work off some stress, I go up to my room to change into my gym clothes. I've been working out in the mornings so I can see Raine at night so I've already worked out once today but I feel the need to work out again, maybe hit the punching bag a few times.
The doorbell rings, which startles me because it's the first time I've heard it ring. It's really loud. It rings again, followed by knocking.
"Miles?" I hear the voice through the door and instantly know it's Raine. What is she doing here? "Miles, I need help!"
I race to put my shorts on, then grab a t-shirt and hurry downstairs to answer the door.
"What's wrong?" I ask, seeing the panicked look on her face.
Her eyes drop to my chest and I realize my t-shirt is still in my hand.
I put it on. "What happened? What's wrong?"
"Gladys. She's coughing really bad and having a hard time breathing. I need to get her help but the free clinic is like ten miles away and I don't have money for the bus."
"I'll take you. Just let me get my keys." I run to the kitchen counter, grab my keys and my phone, and meet her back at the door. "Let's go."
"I'm scared," Raine says as we take the elevator to the parking garage. "I don't want anything to happen to her."
"I know." I take Raine's hand. "I don't either."
We get in my car and I drive down the busy street, weaving through traffic until we reach the coffee shop. I pull into what's marked as a loading zone because it's the only open space close to the alley.
Getting out of the car, I see Raine run ahead to the alley. I meet her there and see Gladys doubled over in her chair, covering her mouth as she coughs. Raine is kneeled down beside her, offering her the bottled water I left them last night. I've continued to bring them food and water every night for weeks now. Raine has given up trying to stop me but I think it's more for Gladys' sake than her own.
"C'mon, Gladys," I say, helping her up. "We're going to get you to a doctor who'll take care of that cough."
"Bless you," she says
with that sweet smile of hers. She's become like a grandmother to me, which is something I've never had. I never met my dad or his family, and my mom's parents disowned her when she got pregnant with me because she wasn't married. She hasn't talked to them since the day they kicked her out.
I load Gladys into the front seat of my car while Raine jumps in the back. She directs me where to go as Gladys wheezes and coughs and struggles to breathe. How did she get so sick overnight? I guess when I think about it, she didn't sound good last night either. She wasn't coughing as much but she was wheezing.
"That's it," Raine says, pointing to a small brick building that's been painted white and has weeds growing up along the side of it.
"Are you sure?" I ask, because it doesn't look like a place you'd get medical care.
"It runs off donations," she says. "They don't have money to fix it up. Parking's in back."
I go around back and see the lot is almost full. I find the last spot, which luckily is right by the door, and park the car. Raine jumps out and helps Gladys while I go to the building and open the door for them.
"It'll be about an hour wait," the lady at the front desk tells us.
"An hour?" Raine says. "That's too long! She needs help now!"
"Sorry but that's the best I can do," the lady says before walking off.
"Let's go sit down," I say, taking Gladys' arm and leading her to a seat by the door. It's the only seat left. Raine and I stand beside her. Raine's looking at Gladys like she's sure she's going to die.
"She'll be okay," I say quietly to Raine. I put my arm around her, expecting she'll pull away, but instead she turns and rests her head on my shoulder.
She looks up at me. "I'm still really scared."
"I know." I squeeze her into my side and lightly rub her arm.
Gladys stops coughing a moment to glance up at us. She catches my eye and smiles, nodding toward Raine who still has her head on my shoulder. Gladys thinks Raine's actions are proof she's warming up to me. I'd like to believe that, but I think her actions are more about needing to be comforted and less about her feelings for me.
The past week, Raine has continued to keep her distance from me but at least now, when I bring food over at night, she'll come out of the tent to eat with Gladys and me. But then she goes back in the tent while I talk to Gladys.
Home With You Page 13