Taking Chances

by Susan Lewis

  ‘My God! What happened to you?’ Matty cried as she opened the door. ‘You look terrible.’

  ‘I walked in on Michael and Michelle,’ Ellen answered, going past her to the kitchen. ‘Where’s the wine? I’ve got to have a drink. Are you on your way out?’

  ‘Yes, but it can wait,’ Matty responded. ‘What do you mean, you walked in on Michael and Michelle? Like, they were …?’

  ‘Yes,’ Ellen confirmed. ‘Next to the pool. They didn’t know I was there. They still don’t know.’

  ‘Michael called here earlier, looking for you.’

  Ellen’s heart contracted as she turned to face her. ‘He was looking for me?’ she said, holding on to the words as though they were some kind of lifeline. ‘What time was it?’

  Matty shrugged. ‘I don’t know. About an hour ago, I guess. Pour me one of those. I’ll just make a quick call then I’m at your disposal.’

  Ten minutes later they were sitting either end of the sofa, drinks in hand and the total travesty of the past two hours now fully revealed. Matty’s face was pale with shock, while Ellen looked at her and wanted only to die.

  ‘I don’t know what to do, Matty,’ she said. ‘I mean, I can’t go back home, not while Michelle’s there, and how the hell am I ever going to face Tom again?’

  ‘Well, I guess we’d better deal with first things first,’ Matty responded, ‘and that’s where you’re going to spend tonight. It’ll have to be here, apart from anything else you’re in no fit state to get back in a car, but you’ll have to call Michael and let him know where you are.’

  Ellen’s eyes closed as the dread of speaking to him closed around her heart.

  ‘When does Michelle leave?’ Matty asked.

  ‘The day after tomorrow. Or that’s when she’s scheduled to go. Things may have changed by now. Oh God, Matty, I was so afraid something like this would happen, and now it has I’ve gone and made it so much worse. What the hell was I thinking? What was I trying to prove?’

  ‘It’s not so abnormal to do what you did,’ Matty informed her. ‘You were probably in shock, or denial. Does Tom know about Michael and Michelle? Did you tell him?’

  Ellen nodded. ‘After we made love I just went to pieces. I made such a fool of myself, but yes, I told him.’

  ‘Must have done wonders for his ego,’ Matty murmured. ‘Anyway, do you think he’s likely to tell Michael what happened – between the two of you?’

  Ellen shook her head. ‘He said he wouldn’t.’ Then suddenly she stiffened. ‘Oh God, Matty,’ she breathed. ‘I’ve got to speak to him. I don’t want him to tell Michael I know about him and Michelle either.’

  ‘Why?’ Matty asked as Ellen snatched up the phone.

  ‘I don’t know. I guess because everything’s so complicated and I need time to think.’ She asked for Tom’s room number, then passed the phone to Matty. ‘You do it,’ she said. ‘I know I’m a coward, but I can’t face speaking to him again yet.’

  Matty took the phone and put it to her ear. ‘Hi,’ she said when Chambers answered. ‘It’s Matty Shelby here, Ellen’s cousin.’

  ‘Hi Matty,’ he said. ‘Is Ellen with you?’

  ‘Yes,’ she answered. ‘She’s here.’ She paused, then said, ‘Try to understand, she doesn’t feel up to speaking to you right now, but she wanted me to ask you … Well, if you speak to Michael … She doesn’t want him to know that she walked in on him and Michelle, so would you mind …?’

  ‘Tell her I’ll do whatever she wants,’ he responded. ‘How is she?’

  ‘Kind of shaken up, but she’ll be OK.’

  ‘Michael’s looking for her,’ he said. ‘He called here about fifteen minutes ago. I told him we’d been working all that time and she’d just left, so he’s going to be expecting her home pretty soon.’

  ‘OK. I’ll tell her. And thanks.’

  Ellen listened as Matty relayed what had been said. She felt sickeningly light-headed, displaced, unconnected, bewildered and afraid. She wanted Michael so desperately it was like she was drowning. She belonged wherever he was, not here where he wasn’t. She wanted the clocks turned back, the last scenes of her life unplayed out, the terror of her future never to come into being. ‘He just got back today,’ she said, pressing her fingers to her eyes. ‘I should have gone to the airport, then none of this would have happened.’ She looked up at Matty’s face. ‘How can I tell him I’m staying here for the night when he’s only just got back? What excuse can I give?’

  Matty was at a loss.

  ‘I’ll have to tell him that I’ve decided to stay here until Michelle goes,’ Ellen said finally. ‘It’s going to make things worse …’ She laughed bitterly. ‘How much worse can they get? And for all I know it’ll be what he wants, me out of the way so they can all be a family again.’ She turned to look out at the night and by the time she turned back her eyes were submerged in hopelessness and pain. ‘I don’t suppose there’ll be a wedding now,’ she said, barely able to get the words past the terrible ache in her heart.

  ‘OK, don’t let’s start jumping to conclusions,’ Matty chided. ‘We don’t know what really went on there tonight. Nor do we …’

  ‘Matty! They were making love!’ Ellen broke in. ‘What more do we need to know?’

  ‘All I’m saying is sometimes these things, well, they just happen. They don’t mean anything, they just …’

  ‘No, Matty,’ Ellen said. ‘The woman’s Robbie’s mother, so whichever way you look at it, it means something.’

  They sat quietly for a while, both absorbing the irrefutable truth of the last words.

  ‘You know what I keep thinking,’ Ellen said after a while. ‘I keep thinking that he wanted me to find out. That something in him wanted me to walk in and find them like that.’

  ‘Oh come on!’ Matty protested.

  ‘But he knew I’d be home any time,’ Ellen insisted, ‘so he had to know what a risk he was running, and they were right there, next to the pool. They weren’t even in her bedroom where I might never have found them.’

  ‘But why would he want you to know? It doesn’t make any sense.’

  ‘It does if he wants us to break up,’ Ellen answered.

  Not sure how to argue that, Matty fell silent again.

  Ellen looked at her and felt the pain of what was happening plunge to the very depths of her heart. She’d so desperately wanted Matty to protest, to point out how she had got it wrong and how everything was going to turn out all right. But Matty couldn’t, and as the far-reaching effects of the past two hours started to close in on her it was as though she was being swallowed into a vacuum of despair.

  ‘Why did I go back to the hotel?’ she said, almost to herself. ‘Why the hell did I do that?’ She looked at Matty. ‘I keep wondering was it really a tit for tat, or was there something much deeper and more calculating that was driving me, something I’m not really in touch with?’

  ‘What do you mean?’ Matty asked.

  Ellen shook her head. ‘I’m not sure,’ she answered. ‘I guess I’m just thinking about all the strange and frightening things that go on in the subconscious, things we’re not even aware of … Like Michael wanting me to find him with Michelle, like me running to Tom …’ She paused for a moment, then getting up and going to the window she said, ‘If Michael wants out of our relationship then it could mean the end of everything for me – or certainly as far as this movie’s concerned. So was there something in me that knew that, and made me go to Tom in an effort to get the movie out of Michael’s hands and into mine? At least then I’d have something …’ She turned back to Matty. ‘Something he wants as much as I want him. Maybe I could use it to bring him back to me.’

  Matty was looking at her with narrowed, baffled eyes. ‘Is that what you think?’ she said. ‘That you’d do something like that?’

  Ellen shrugged. ‘I think I just did,’ she answered. ‘But I don’t know if I meant to.’ She sighed deeply and her breath shook on a sob. ‘I had dinner with Ted
Forgon the other night,’ she said. ‘I told him what was going on with the movie, you know, about the casting and Michelle playing the part of Rachel, and you know what he said? He told me to get Tom on my side. There was no point working on Michael, he said, Tom was the one to give me what I wanted, so I had to do what I could to change his mind.’ She looked at Matty with a grim, almost baleful smile. ‘Maybe that’s why I did it,’ she said. ‘Maybe it was always in my mind to sleep with him in order to get what I wanted, and finding Michael with Michelle gave me all the justification and excuses I needed.’

  ‘This isn’t you talking,’ Matty said. ‘You’re in post-trauma shock and analysing your motives like this is only going to screw you up even more. I think you should get on the phone to Michael now and tell him where you are.’

  Ellen’s heart lurched, but even as she recoiled from the prospect of speaking to him, she was longing for him with a desperation that felt it might explode from her heart. It all seemed so wrong, so utterly out of kilter with their lives and how very deeply they loved each other. In just over seven weeks they were supposed to be married. He had wanted that so much. The honeymoon was arranged. The church was booked. All their families’ flights were reserved. They couldn’t back out now, and surely to God they didn’t want to. Despite what had happened she couldn’t make herself believe he didn’t love her any more, even though there was every chance he didn’t. But she didn’t want to consider that, she wanted only to see his eyes as they gazed deep into hers, to feel his arms around her, as in her heart she relived the joy and laughter they had shared, the intimacy, the dreams, the power and strength of their love. It wasn’t all over. It couldn’t be. They were so much a part of each other’s lives now, had built so much, come so far. They would get past this, they had to, because neither of them wanted the alternative.

  Her head went down as she felt herself slipping into the comforting realms of denial, but even there she could find no escape from the pain. It was filling her up, crushing her, scaring her. Even if she could she didn’t want to take the movie away from him, she wanted to make it with him, and if it meant having Michelle in the lead she’d live with it, just as long as they stayed together.

  She was about to pick up the phone when it suddenly rang. She looked at Matty and felt her heart begin a slow, fearful throb as Matty reached for the receiver.

  ‘Hello?’ Matty said.

  ‘Matty, it’s Michael again. I’m really worried about Ellen. Tom says she left the Four Seasons almost an hour ago, but she’s not answering her phone. Has she called you since we spoke?’

  Matty’s eyes went to Ellen. ‘She’s right here,’ she said, ‘I’ll pass you over.’

  Ellen’s face was deathly pale as she took the phone. ‘Hello?’ she said.

  ‘Darling, are you OK?’ he said. ‘I’ve been going half out of my mind wondering where you are. Are you coming home?’

  Tears were stinging Ellen’s eyes at the love and confusion in his voice. ‘Honey, I’ve … I’ve had a little too much wine to drive,’ she said. ‘I think I better stay the night with Matty.’

  ‘I’ll come and get you,’ he said.

  ‘No. Don’t do that.’

  ‘Ellen, I’ve missed you. I want to see you.’

  Her throat was locked with emotion, and though she wanted to scream at him for what he had done, she also desperately wanted to carry on as though it had never happened.

  ‘I want to see you too,’ she whispered, ‘but Michael…’

  ‘Yes?’ he said when she didn’t continue.

  She looked out at the starry night sky and envisaged him standing in their study, his belovedly handsome face creased with concern. ‘Honey, I think it’s better if I stay with Matty until Michelle leaves. Please don’t think I’m trying to pick a fight,’ she rushed on as he started to protest, ‘I just think it would be a good idea for you three to spend some time together. I’ll see you at the office.’

  ‘Ellen, I can’t agree to this,’ he said. ‘I want to see you, now.’

  ‘No, Michael,’ she said. ‘Please, just do as I ask and don’t insist I come home until after Michelle has gone. Is she still leaving the day after tomorrow?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Then it’s not long to wait, is it?’ She paused. ‘Do it for Robbie,’ she said. ‘Let him have some time with his mommy and daddy.’

  He was silent, and Ellen could feel her heart breaking as she tried to figure out what he was thinking. He had to be wondering if she knew what had happened, guilt alone would make him think that. But short of asking her right out there was nothing he could say, and the fact that he didn’t argue any further was a horrible confirmation that what she had seen really had taken place. But now she was just as guilty as he was, for she had made love with another man and were he ever to find out about that it would be an end to his friendship with Tom – and how the hell could they carry on with the movie if that were to happen? Though somehow they’d have to, because with so much investment already in place, or spent, there was no backing out either.

  ‘Do you have a breakfast meeting in the morning?’ he asked.

  ‘No.’

  ‘Then meet me at seven thirty in your office. I’ll bring coffee and bagels.’

  She said nothing.

  ‘Ellen?’

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘I love you.’

  ‘I love you too,’ she whispered, and barely able to hold back the tears she abruptly ended the call. ‘Then why did you screw her, you bastard?’ she sobbed. ‘Why the hell did you do it if you love me so much?’ She turned to look at Matty. ‘I don’t even have the luxury of getting mad at him,’ she raged, ‘not unless I want him to know I’m as guilty as he is.’

  Matty sat quietly, waiting for her to calm down. It was a while before she spoke. ‘I was just wondering,’ she said, ‘you know, about Tom, and what he was like? I mean, he’s kind of cute and … All right, I’m sorry, I should never have asked,’ she finished hastily as Ellen looked at her in disbelief.

  A few seconds ticked by.

  ‘I just had the feeling that he’d be kind of good,’ Matty said, ‘but no big deal.’

  ‘OK, he was,’ Ellen confessed. ‘But it wasn’t like it is with Michael.’

  ‘Did he make you come?’

  ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘Well you were there, weren’t you?’

  ‘OK, yeah, I guess he did. But none of this is relevant, Matty. It’s only Michael who counts.’

  ‘As far as you’re concerned. And as far as he’s concerned you’re the only one who counts. But Michelle and Tom have feelings too. One of them could be seriously in love with one of you guys.’

  A cold dread opened up in Ellen’s heart. ‘I hope to God it’s not Michelle,’ she said. ‘If it is, then there’s every chance this could happen again.’

  ‘And if it’s Tom?’

  Ellen sat with that for a while, then finally raised her eyes to Matty’s.

  ‘If he is in love with you, you could use it to persuade him out of casting Michelle,’ Matty said, slightly awed by the machiavellian slant to her own suggestion.

  Ellen’s eyes widened. ‘In favour of you?’ she said.

  Matty shrugged. ‘If Michelle’s no longer in the running for Rachel, then as far as I can see it, we can both only win. Better still, after what he did tonight, I can’t see Michael putting up much of a fight to keep her. Not if it’s you he still wants, which it certainly seems to be.’

  Ellen was thoughtful again, then finally shook her head. ‘I know what you’re saying,’ she responded, ‘but I could never use Tom like that.’ Then her eyes came back round to Matty as she added, ‘Except I already might have.’

  Chapter 11

  THERE WERE NOW only three weeks to go before the wedding and though there wasn’t a single shred of doubt in Michael’s mind about how much he loved Ellen, or how much he wanted her to be his wife, he wished to God they weren’t having to go through all this fuss. The mai
n problem was the religious orientation of both their families, meaning that there was just no way they could avoid the church, the motherly input, the endless list of guests, or the thousand and one other things that went into making up the crushingly expensive circus of a Catholic wedding.

  Still, apart from being rushed off their feet, and having far too little time to spend together, they seemed to be coping with it all, and whatever it was that had forced Ellen to spend a couple of days with Matty before Michelle had returned to Asia didn’t appear to have left any lasting damage. At least he didn’t think it had, but in truth it was hard to tell when there was so much going on around them. Occasionally he got the sense that Ellen was avoiding him, but then, during the times they did manage to spend together, she was as loving and receptive as ever, unless she was putting on an act. But she seemed excited about the wedding, and kept insisting how much she was looking forward to the honeymoon and being able to relax and spend two whole weeks just enjoying each other.

  It was of course what he wanted too, but whether it was guilt that was taking the edge off his own excitement, or whether it was the way Ellen seemed to be putting on an act, he couldn’t really say. All he knew was that something wasn’t right. Of course, there was nothing like a guilty conscience to breed paranoia, so maybe it was all in his head, and as her oddness of behaviour had only started about a week ago, it was easy to persuade himself that it had nothing to do with Michelle at all.

  But it wasn’t easy living the lie, unable to explain why he’d done what he had, or to swear it would never happen again. Though nothing would ever induce him to confess, when the only one it would really hurt was Ellen. Of course it would never have happened if she’d come to the airport that day, for there would have been neither the opportunity, nor the inclination. Not that it was her fault, things had just turned out that way, but there was no doubt that he’d been seriously pissed off when he’d discovered that it was a meeting with Chambers that had taken priority.