by Robert Orben
Fellas who drive with their girl friends right beside them sometimes engage in premarital wrecks.
I’ve only had one accident in my life. I crashed into the gate of a nudist camp. Someone came running out and said, “Why didn’t you look where you were going?” I said, “I couldn’t. I was too busy going where I was looking!”
Yesterday I broke down on the freeway and one of those emergency trucks charged me twenty-five dollars to pull me off. I think it was the abominable towman.
He pulled me into this garage and the first thing I saw was a big sign saying: WE OPERATE A CASH BUSINESS. And they do. They get the cash and you get the business.
She was a very tense girl. I never knew if she had a nervous tic or she was planning to make a right-hand turn.
Yesterday my son came home and said, “I have good news and bad news. The good news is I got 18 out of 20 on my driver’s test.” I said, “Great! Now what’s the bad news?” He said, “They were pedestrians.”
Now my son wants a new car. I said, “You gotta be kidding. There’s one whole fender you haven’t used yet!”
DRUGS
What’s happened to school kids? I can remember when they played KICK THE CAN. Now it’s KICK THE HABIT!
Every time I hear the name “dope peddler,” I wonder if that refers to the product or the customer.
Every college campus in America is faced with a dope problem. If you don’t believe it, take a look at the marks.
DRUNKS
Hi there—and you certainly are.
I know the bars close on Election Day, but aren’t you stocking up a little early?
You know what I like about him? He knows just when to stop. It was March 4th, 1952.
Sir, would you mind sitting down? You’ve made alcoholic. Try for being anonymous.
Sir, would you mind moving back a bit? Your breath is making my eyes water.
Sir, would you mind facing the other way?
Your breath is melting my cuff links.
You know how African pygmies destroy their enemies by blowing into a poisoned dart gun? With his breath, he wouldn’t need the darts.
Please! Don’t serve him any more. That’s like giving Murine to a peeping Tom.
Isn’t he amazing? I have cassettes that take more time to get loaded.
This may be hard to believe, but I happen to know he won the 1979 American Outdoorsman of the Year Award. In 1979, he was thrown out of more doors than any other man in America!
Sir, when you leave would you mind taking the freight elevator? That’s what we use for something that’s loaded.
Two drunks were talking in a bar and one said, “I got all kinds of troubles. Every night my kids are out till two in the morning!” The other drunk said, “What are they doing?” The first drunk said, “Looking for me!”
A drunk was sitting in a bar looking at a Playboy centerfold, called over the bartender, and said, “Pardon me, but could you tell me what this is?” The bartender looked and said, “It’s a girl.” The drunk said, “It couldn’t be. That’s what I married!”
Drink? He’s spent more time weaving than Burlington Mills!
I wouldn’t say he’s an alcoholic. He just has the same problem as the moon rocket. He can’t go anywhere without a blast.
He’s one of those shrewd drunks. One time I saw him finish six martinis in an hour. I said, “You must really like to drink.” He said [À LA W. C. FIELDS], “Not at all, my good man. Not at all!” I said, “Well, what do you call six martinis in an hour?” He said, “Necessity. My wife sent me out for a jar of olives and Safeway is closed!”
EARTHQUAKES
If you’re in California and you feel a tremor, there are two things to remember. Number one: Run to a doorway for safety. Number two: The doorway should be in New York!
Did you hear about the world’s laziest bartender?
He puts all the mixings for a whiskey sour in a cocktail shaker, goes out to ___________, and waits!
___________ is a wonderful place to live.
I just wouldn’t want to bake a cake there!
ECONOMICS
If you really think practice makes perfect—
watch the government manage the economy.
It’s fascinating the way the Administration describes the state of the economy. As I understand it, we’ve reached the lowest peak in history.
Washington says the economy is turning the corner.
I’ll tell you one thing—it isn’t doing it on two wheels!
They say the economy is bouncing back. I have news—so are my checks!
We now have a seat-belt economy. Everybody is walking around strapped!
Do you realize how many economic advisers the President has? Talk about excess prophets!
I’m beginning to think the Administration’s economic soothsayers are more inclined to soothe than to say.
You can tell the economy is improving. Two more raises and my take-home pay will equal my deductions.
The economy is really booming. You can tell.
Last week Detroit sold three more cars than it recalled.
I’m a little worried about the economy. I just got a check from the government and it said: “DO NOT FOLD, BEND, SPINDLE, MUTILATE, OR CASH.”
Capitalism is like this: Forty years ago lead was added to gasoline, and the price went up. Now lead is being removed from gasoline, and the price went up.
I have two terrible worries. One worry is that we may never get back to the good old days. And the second worry is—these may be them!
EDUCATION
A school principal today is someone who tells the graduating class that they are the hope of America—while fingering his Swiss bankbook.
“PTA” means different things to different people. If you’re a parent, it means Parents Threatening Action. If you’re a school administrator, it means Principals Taking Aspirin.
What is happening to this world? This morning I dialed a number and said, “I’d like to talk to Bertram T. Partridge, dean of the Perfect Diction Institute.” A voice said, “Thpeaking!”
Apathy is so common in America today, one school is giving a course in advanced shrugging.
ELECTIONS
Breathes there the voter, with soul so dead, who hasn’t looked at the winners and softly said, “What have I done?”
Closing the bars on Election Day makes sense. It’s the next day, when you read the results, that you need the drink!
Did you ever get the feeling that if they put a space on the ballot labeled NONE OF THE ABOVE—it would get 98 percent of the vote?
I have no problems with voting this year. I just listened to what the [PARTY] had to say about each other—and took them at their word.
Breathes there the man, with soul so dead, who never to himself has said, “Maybe I should have voted for Harold Stassen!”
Just before I went into the voting booth I said to myself, “Should I listen to the voice of my conscience?” Then I thought, “Naaaah! Who wants to take advice from a total stranger?”
I never knew I needed glasses until Election Day. I went into the polling place, closed the curtain, pulled the lever, and then I heard a sound I had never heard in a voting booth before—flushing!
An election year is when you rent a tuxedo for $30 and your wife buys a dress for $200, so you can go to a dinner that costs $500—to elect a two-bit politician.
I don’t want to say anything about our elected officials but pigeons are attracted by crumbs—and you’ll notice how many there are at City Hall.
Recycling means different things in different areas. In Washington, recycling is waste paper. In Texas, it’s water. In Cook County, it’s votes.
A voting machine is like a slot machine.
If you’re not lucky, you can wind up with lemons.
It isn’t easy being a voter. I’ve been stepped on so many times, I have a broadloom tie!
You have to feel sorry for the losers after a national election. Suddenly they�
��re as prominent as the banjo part in Beethoven’s Fifth.
Almost being elected is like almost beating a train to a crossing.
As one politician put it, “I was beaten fair and square and I’m gonna send my opponent a nice, warm, friendly note of congratulations. Tell me, how many k’s in skunk?”
One candidate was beaten so badly, they put a sign across his campaign headquarters: OPENED BY MISTAKE!
ENERGY
I’m really worried. Either we’ve had an exceptionally cold winter or my wife is carrying on with the oil man!
You think you’re confused? Look at the electric company. They’re telling us to cool it by turning off our air conditioners!
Ninety-degree weather is when electric companies and sixty-year-old bridegrooms worry about the same thing—power failure.
AFTER A POWER FAILURE: I’d like to say something about [LOCAL UTILITY]. I don’t mind defrosting my refrigerator—but I’d like it to be my choice!
Do you think they’re trying to tell us something? The electric company is running a contest. First prize is a gas range.
POWER MAD is what you get when the electric company tells you not to use the appliances that ten years ago they told you to buy!
We have a marvelous electric company in my hometown. Last year it grossed $4 million and netted $58. And it wouldn’t have made that if it hadn’t added a sideline—candles!
Last month my wife decided to save money on electricity. We didn’t turn on any lights; we didn’t watch TV; we didn’t play the radio; we even unplugged the refrigerator. The electric bill for thirty-one days was eight cents. It would have been zero but [ELECTRIC COMPANY] kept ringing the bell to find out what was wrong!
EXECUTIVES
What a great idea for executives who drink—
Listerine-flavored whiskey!
The newest trend in management is very young executives. Companies are hiring twenty-three-year-old presidents for their youthful thinking and it works. A company treasurer went into the chief executive’s office and said, “We owe $32 million, we have no operating capital, and the banks are calling in their loans. What’ll we do?” And here’s where the twenty-three-year-old president summoned up all of his youthful expertise. He said, “First—round up all the deposit bottles!”
I know a corporate vice-president who’s so young, it’s embarrassing. He was involved in a child-molesting case. What made it so embarrassing—he was the child!
FASHION
The Department of Health sent a mobile chest X-ray unit into our neighborhood—and thanks to the new fashions, we have a lot of mobile chests to X-ray.
The no-bra look is when a lot more interesting sights than the red, red robin come bob, bob, bobbin’ along.
The problem with having a liberated no-bra type girl in your office is—she may work but nobody else does.
Getting used to the no-bra look takes time. Then again, who’s in a hurry?
What with slit skirts and X-rated movies, there are very few things today that are “out of sight!”
You know why this trend towards nudity won’t last?
Women will never be happy wearing the same outfits.
And now for our helpful, handy, homely, household tip: Girls, if you want to change your short skirts into long skirts without spending one cent on alterations, it’s easy. Walk on your knees!
My wife is a little immature. I found that out when we went to our first fancy dress ball and she wore elbow-length mittens.
Have you noticed how the big trend in clothes today is leather? My wife has boots that come from a cow and I have a coat that comes from a bull. We don’t take any chances. Before we open our closet door, we knock!
I can remember when you dressed up in a ridiculous-looking outfit and went to a masquerade party. Now you go to work!
I have one of those gentleman’s valet stands. Last night I put my cerise tie around it, my lavender shirt, my powder-blue bell-bottoms, my shocking-pink jacket—and it crossed its legs.
FAST FOODS
One of those hamburger chains ran a suggestion contest on how to improve sales. One employee suggested they put meat in the hamburgers. Would you believe it—they gave him $155 for that suggestion? His severance pay.
Now there’s a franchise for people who buy franchises and don’t read the small print. It features take-out lawyers!
FAT FARMS
I went to one of those fat farms and they really work. The first day alone I was $500 lighter.
I always feel a little silly going to a fat farm. There’s something about spending $500 to take off what it cost you $5,000 to put on!
You have no idea what these fat farms are like. Two hundred starving people standing around counting the minutes to the next meal. It’s the first time I ever saw a waiter hijacked for his rolls!
Then they put us in the steam room and that’s really something. Everybody’s standing around in sheets, sweating. It’s like a Ku Klux Klan meeting in Watts.
They put you on a very strict diet. It starts off with three martinis, sour cream and blintzes, roast beef and baked potatoes dripping with butter, and two slices of apple pie à la mode. They show this to you and then you have your first meal—you eat your heart out!
I lost so much weight, people kept looking at my ankles. Why not? That’s where my pants were.
FATHER’S DAY
Did you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have fathers is to provide material for situation comedies?
Mom gave Dad a membership in Weight Watchers and I gave Dad a subscription to Playboy. I figure, let him decide whose weight he wants to watch.
Isn’t that sweet? My secretary is giving me clothing for Father’s Day. Tell me, what’s a paternity suit?
It isn’t easy to be a father these days. My daughter brings home more crumbs than a sloppy waitress!
Have you noticed how the big thing in men’s toiletries is lime? Everything smells of lime and it really works. Yesterday I got a phone call and a voice said, “[YOUR NAME], ever since you started using lime after-shave lotion, lime toilet water, and lime cologne, I’ve fallen madly in love with you.” I said, “You have? Would you mind speaking a little louder?” It said, “I can’t. I’m a grapefruit!”
FISHING
Did you hear about the two killer whales who were watching a fleet of fishing boats pull in their catch? Finally, one nudged the other and said, “Look who’s calling names!”
Two fish were talking and one said, “Did you hear that Charlie the Tuna called off his engagement to Minnie the Mermaid?” The second fish said, “Charlie the Tuna called off his engagement to Minnie the Mermaid? What for?” He said, “What for? Did you ever see the top half of her?”
FLORIDA
I happen to know that Florida is now working on something that could revolutionize its real estate market. It’s an alligator that eats crabgrass!
There is only one problem with taking a winter vacation in Florida. You spend two weeks getting a deep, rich, golden tan—then they hand you the bill and you’re pale again!
Last year I got down there and right away I put in a long-distance phone call to my travel agent. I said, “I’m paying sixty-five dollars a day and you ought to see this room!” He said, “Is it facing the ocean?” I said, “It isn’t even facing the hallway!”
In all fairness, he did warn me. I asked him if you could get along in Florida on sixty-five dollars a day. He said, “If you’re an alligator, yes. If you’re a tourist, no!”
I should have been suspicious when he said the hotel was in North Miami Beach. North Miami Beach—that’s travel agent talk for Wilmington, North Carolina.
I won’t comment on the weather we had. Did you know they named a wine after the first bird who ever flew down to Florida for the winter? Cold Duck!
FLU
This is the season when you’re faced with the problem: What do you say to the person who has everything—and he’s breathing on you?
The flu
season is when you start off in the morning with a light heart and end up in the evening with a heavy nose!
In our house the only thing that gets recycled is the flu.
If you’re a husband, this time of year can be dangerous. I’ll explain what I mean. What if only two people in town have the flu—you and the baby-sitter?
You know what really shakes you up during the flu season? When you tell the doctor your symptoms and he starts backing away!
FLYING
Can you imagine riding in a plane at two and a half times the speed of sound? You whisper something to the stewardess and by the time she hears it, it’s too late!
Personally, I always fly first class.
You meet a better class of hijacker.
I just finished reading a book about the Wright Brothers—the two fellas who invented the airplane. Boy, just think what would be happening today if it wasn’t for the Wright Brothers. They’d be showing movies on stagecoaches!
They say Orville and Wilbur Wright learned how to fly by watching the birds. It’s a good thing they didn’t watch rabbits!…
We’d all be hopping. Don’t get ahead of me like that.
The last time I went to New York, it was incredible. We circled the airport for two hours. What made it so incredible, we were in a bus!
I can’t help it, I’m deathly afraid of height.
When I sneeze, my wife just says, “Gesund!”
FOOD
Now here’s the plan. We cross pasta with a boa constrictor. We get spaghetti that winds itself around the fork!
All this talk about food stamps. It’s ridiculous. How often do you get to mail a pork chop?