by Robert Orben
My wife bought a leg of lamb last Sunday. I won’t say it was tough, but I think we got the only lamb in town that went in for jogging.… I had to use an electric carving knife to cut it—and this was just the gravy!
There’s so much deception in this world. I bought a barbecued chicken, took it home. What do you think it was? A duck with a nose job!
Puffed rice is very popular these days. It’s what you throw at weddings when the bride is expecting.
A bagel is a recruiting office for dentists.
FOOD PRICES
Prices are so high, it’s ridiculous. I don’t mind breaking a hundred on the golf course—but in the supermarket?
You can’t imagine how high food prices are. I can remember when it was bread that was enriched. Now it’s supermarkets!
Prices are so high, they used to have signs saying, “WATCH YOUR CHILDREN.” Now they say, “WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE.”
Prices are just ridiculous. Yesterday I went into one of those fried chicken places and spent $1.50 for a wing and a drumstick. It’s the first time I ever paid an arm and a leg for an arm and a leg!
It shows you how times have changed. I can remember when people were singing: “How High the Moon?” Now it’s “How High the Lamb Chops!”
Food prices are so high, last night we had a religious experience. I think it was the Last Supper.
If food prices go any higher, a status symbol is going to be a toothpick!
Food prices are so high, shoppers have the same problem as the [LOSING BASEBALL TEAM]. It’s awfully hard to get the bags loaded.
FOOTBALL
You can always tell when the baseball season is over and the football season is starting. The fellas doing the shaving commercials are much bigger.
For an ideal fall vacation, why not see Effigy—a charming little town whose principal industry is burning football coaches.
Football is a game in which twenty-two big, strong, healthy fellas run around like crazy for two hours—while fifty thousand people who really need the exercise watch them!
You can’t believe what some of these professionals look like. Six feet six—360 pounds. If you re out at the beach and a fella like this kicks sand in your face—do the smart thing. Help him!
Did you hear about the world’s dumbest center? They had to stencil something on the seat of his pants—THIS END UP!
Fellas who sit with a six-pack in front of a TV set and watch two football games and a golf tourney bring something special into a home—divorce.
I finally discovered the reason why housewives don’t like football. I was watching a game on TV and I said, “Look at that! He’s sweeping around right end!” My wife said, “What’s that?” I said, “Right end?” She said, “No—sweeping.”
A religious liberal is someone who goes to the Notre Dame-SMU game and roots for a tie.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER
Let’s all stand and sing the marching song of horror movie fans: “Gory, Gory, Hallelujah!”
Then there was the Frankenstein monster. He always walked around like this: [STIFF-LEGGED WALK WITH ARMS OUTSTRETCHED]. Worst case of arthritis I ever saw!
The Frankenstein monster never talked. He just went like this: [ROAR AND MAKE A MENACING GESTURE WITH YOUR HAND]. Fortunately I can understand that ’cause I’m married.
I’m so married, every time I see the Frankenstein monster go: [REPEAT ROAR AND GESTURE], I get up and take out the garbage.
Now they’re trying something new in horror pictures. It’s a Frankenstein picture with heart. The opening scene shows the monster looking up at a flash of lightning and calling, “Mother!”
Did you hear about the Martian who was standing in front of a movie theater staring at a picture of the Frankenstein monster? Finally, another Martian comes up beside him and says, “Is that all you ever think about—sex?”
FUND-RAISING
Isn’t it wonderful the way politicians always try to add that warm personal touch to everything? Yesterday I got a fund-raising letter addressed: To Whom It May Concern. It said, “Dear Whom”!
As you know, this is a $1,000-a-plate dinner. I don’t know who came up with that price but I think it’s my dentist.
I didn’t really think they were going to charge $1,000 a plate until I saw the treasurer and finance chairman wearing nylon stockings-over their heads!
Did you hear about the $1,000-a-plate political dinner that lost money? The dum-dums served meat!
The latest concept in charity is the benefit cocktail party. It gives you a chance to raise funds and hell at the same time.
This church is so prosperous, one Sunday the finance chairman took the collection—all the way to Brazil.
UNCHURCHED can mean a person who isn’t affiliated with any religious organization. It can also mean a congregation that didn’t think the bank would foreclose.
Most churches would have no problems if people put in the plate on Sunday as much as they take off the plate at the annual dinner.
As the minister said to his wife after counting the Sunday collection, “I just figured out why so many people are switching from drugs to religion. It’s cheaper.”
Many churches operate on Mickey Rooney budgets. At the end of the year they’re a little short.
Let’s all sing that wonderful old hymn about the church that spent $140,000 for a new building and didn’t have enough left over to buy pews. It’s called “Stand Up, Stand Up for Jesus!”
“My uncle’s a coin collector.”
“He’s a numismatist?”
“No, he counts the Sunday offering.”
It’s called cold cash because our treasurer doesn’t keep it long enough to warm it up.
I know a church that held a two-month fund-raising campaign to buy a $2,000 boiler and came up with $87. So they didn’t buy the boiler. They figured they were in enough hot water already.
It’s rather discouraging to belong to a church that’s always asking for money. You’re never sure if you’re one of the flock or one of the fleeced.
I had kind of a prophetic introduction to my church’s building fund campaign. The minister said, “O Lord, give us Thy succor!” And then I walked in.
True faith is dropping your last three bills into the collection plate—one from the butcher and two from the dry cleaner.
Our finance chairman didn’t want to alarm you but he did ask me to say that if we don’t put some money into our treasury soon, we’re going to be arrested for impersonating the government.
Then there’s the more direct method of fund-raising. Like the finance chairman saying, “Each member in favor of our meeting the budget this year, please raise your hand—and have a $500 check in it!”
Show me a finance chairman who believes in secret giving and I’ll show you a fund-lowerer.
Even in the dead of winter, the finance committee is never chilled by cold cash.
An amateur fund-raiser says, “Give till it hurts!” So does a professional fund-raiser—only he applies a little novocaine first.
Most churches pledge their membership once a year. There’s no money down and twelve months to pray.
It’s amazing how many church members are like the mantis. They pray a lot but they don’t pledge!
I’d like to talk to those of our members who are pledging weekly—very weakly.
We’re looking for militant givers. If you want to sign a pledge card for $5,000—write on!
Be a good host to your canvasser. Invite him into your giving room.
Then there’s the canvasser who reported back to his team captain and said, “I have good news and bad news. The good news is Mr. Smith gave us a bundle!” The captain said, “Mr. Smith gave us a bundle? That’s great. Now what’s the bad news?” The canvasser said, “He’s a laundryman.”
I won’t say how he gets such big contributions, but his last three pledges were signed with a swizzle stick.
FUNERALS
The greatest problem in America today is procr
astination. Take funerals. Why do people wait to the last minute to have them?
Have you noticed how the people who work in funeral homes all look alike? You have to nudge them to make sure they’re not one of the customers.
Do you know what they’re getting for funerals these days? Twenty-five hundred dollars! Now you know why they call them the dear departed.
I don’t mind telling you, I’m worried. Yesterday I caught the bouquet at a funeral.
The reading of the will has never made much sense to me. Here’s a bunch of people sitting around listening to someone who’s dead say he’s of sound mind and body.
Show me a fella whose uncle dies and leaves him $2 million—and I’ll show you an eager bereaver.
My aunt never stopped criticizing my uncle. I can still remember his funeral service. The minister said, “Ashes to ashes.” She leaned over and said, “I told you where he’d go!”
FUR
If your wife feels bad, is downright sad,
at finding another wrinkle;
It’s hard to say what will make her gay,
but somehow I think a mink’ll!
I have never won an argument with my wife. Last month I wanted to get a watchdog and she wanted to get a fur coat. She said, “I’d feel pretty silly wearing a German shepherd to the opera.” Well, yesterday it happened. A burglar broke in. You don’t know how silly I felt saying, “Kill!” to a mink!
I know a fella who went into a store and bought a $4,000 fur coat. He said, “It’s for my wife.” And his wife saw him. So it was.
Women are never satisfied. I gave my wife a brand-new mink coat for Easter and she gets mad because of one little word on the label—SANFORIZED.
GAMBLING
The real gamblers can always tell when winter comes to Las Vegas. The chips feel colder.
OVERHEARD: “It’s so discouraging. Last week Melvin bought $50,000 worth of life insurance and this morning he dropped dead! —I never win a thing.”
I know a bookie who’s all heart. At Little Big Horn he would have given you Custer and three points.
GARDENING
Seed catalogs are a triumph of hope over experience.
It’s like having another kid.
Faith is what you find in churches, synagogues, and people who buy twenty-five-cent seed packets.
I don’t know why but I’ve always had a lot of trouble with gardening. That space out in the backyard may look like a garden to you. To me it’s more like a Forest Lawn for seeds!
Did you ever get the feeling someone was feeding your garden birth control pills?
I have so much trouble with my garden, the immortal Sir Walter Scott even mentioned it. He wrote: “Breathes there the man with soil so dead!”
The first thing you should do with a garden is turn it over. Turn it right over to someone who knows what they’re doing.
The one thing every good gardener has is a green thumb. It comes from pulling twenties out of your wallet at the garden supply shop.
You’ve heard the expression “dirt cheap”? My garden supply store hasn’t.
Scientists claim that plants have feelings and they’ll grow faster if you talk to them. All right. How do you say, “Right on!” in Geranium?
For you gardeners in the audience, March is the time to plant pansies and sweet Williams—but not too close together.
They say gardening is hard work. You bet your asters it is.
I never realized how much work there was. You show me any garden, and if the flowers look like heaven—the gardener looks like the other place!
Thanks to gardening, I have calluses in places I didn’t even know I had places!
I gave up gardening the day I learned that the secret of a green thumb is brown knees.
You know what I like about a garden? Every day you can have something that’s fresh cut. Sometimes it’s flowers. Sometimes it’s fingers.
GOVERNMENT
I just heard a comment that could explain all of our problems. It went: “Of course we’re having our ups and downs. What do you expect when you elect yo-yos?”
An authority is someone who knows that half the people in Washington are crooks. An expert is someone who knows which half.
No wonder the truth is in such bad shape in Washington. Look how it’s been stretched.
Senators and congressmen are public servants, so we really shouldn’t complain. You know how hard it is to get good help these days.
I keep having this terrible dream. That I’m part of a profit-sharing plan—and I work for the government.
I just found out why my wife and I are having such a hard time keeping up with the Joneses. They’re on welfare.
The problem with welfare is, people neither love it nor leave it.
I know a government efficiency expert who loves to go to the ballet. Says it’s the only chance he gets to see people on their toes!
Some places have a town crier. We have thousands of them. Anybody who voted for Mayor ___________.
You know what this city really needs? A mayor who’s on the premises as much as he’s on the payroll!
In all fairness, our city government is always trying. Yesterday a plane flew over downtown and dropped 3 million leaflets. They said: A CLEANER [YOUR TOWN] IS UP TO YOU!
Graft is a thumb on the scales of justice.
Good government is when the Department of Sanitation cleans up and the Police Department doesn’t.
GOVERNMENT SPENDING
The national debt is approaching a trillion dollars. Which raises an interesting question: How do you repossess a country?
This is the kind of budget that makes you wonder if the ship of state has lifeboats.
What this country needs is a taxpayers’ revolt. Let’s put the seat of government on Weight Watchers!
It’s no wonder the government is losing money. Look at the old-fashioned way it does things. Like, when was the last time Internal Revenue ran a sale?
The Administration is really concerned about money. You can tell. Last week the First Lady gave three parties—two dinner and one Tupperware.
We may complain about government spending but it really is involved in some worthwhile projects. For instance, it just funded a $75,000 study to find out how people who don’t have kids get headaches.
The Federal Reserve has increased the liquidity of money. I know it has. Mine goes like water!
I love that phrase “revenue sharing.” It sounds so dignified, so important. Isn’t that what a mugger does?
Revenue sharing with the government is like giving your secretary a mink coat and getting a handshake in return.
GRADUATE SCHOOL
Kids today are very independent but I notice most of them are graduating with a Ph.D. Pa’s Help and Donations!
I read that thirty thousand Ph.D.s were awarded last year. Isn’t that ridiculous? Where are they gonna find that many cabs to drive?
Thanks to modern, progressive, enlightened methods of education, we could be growing the first generation who ever applied to welfare in Latin.
HAIR
Women have a unique way of looking at things. For instance, if the world were coming to an end on Wednesday—on Tuesday two places would be packed: churches and beauty parlors.
I think every woman has this fantasy: that she’ll come out of a beauty parlor and have to be introduced to her husband.
It’s ridiculous! What do you say to a wife who insists she’s a natural bluehead?
When it comes to misplaced priorities, what about women? My wife spends two hours a day teasing her hair and five minutes a week teasing me.
I’m just amazed at all the women who wear curlers in their hair-when watching the Eleven O’clock News alone would do it!
You don’t know what fear is until you’ve shared a double bed with a wife who wears curlers in her hair! I wake up the next day and my face looks like a Band-Aid farm!
I’ve noticed an interesting thing about women—the more they worry, the b
londer they get!
They say long hair makes you look intellectual. Not when your wife picks one off your collar!
You know when I gave up wearing long hair? The day two women followed me into a men’s room!
My son has one of those haircuts that cover his eyes, ears, nose, and neck. If the barber is busy, we take him to the vet!
My kid has so much hair, three times we had to let out his beanie!
The new hairstyles always look like they were inspired by someone with two feet on the ground and one finger in a light socket.
I know a fella—his sideburns are so long and so thick and so bushy, it’s embarrassing. People keep going up and whispering in his nose! I go to one of those cut-rate barbershops. The manicurist doesn’t trim your nails. She bites them!
HALLOWEEN
Pretty soon strange people wearing masks will be coming into your house, and it’s known as Halloween. In my neighborhood it’s known as Monday—or Tuesday—or Wednesday—or …
New York is probably the worst place in the country for Halloween. Kids ring the doorbell and by the time you look through the peephole, open the three locks, slide back the bolt, unhook the chain, disconnect the burglar alarm, and leash the German shepherd—it’s Christmas.
The symbol of Halloween is the jack-o’-lantern—a head with nothing inside. Some of us make them and some of us vote for them.
There are all kinds of ways to scare people on Halloween. My neighbor has eight kids. If you want to scare him all you have to do is knock on his door and deliver something—pickles and ice cream.
This Halloween my eight-year-old knocked on the door and held up something that really scared me—his Christmas list.
My accountant has an interesting theory about Halloween. He said, “If you really want to scare somebody, put on a black suit, knock on the door, and say three words.” I said, “Trick or treat?” He said, “Internal Revenue Service.”