by Robert Orben
This year we’re going to have an ecological Halloween.
We’re going to fill a tub with oil and bob for water.
And Halloween is different everywhere you go. One time I spent Halloween in Texas and a little kid knocked on the door. I said, “Do you have change for a dollar?” He said, “Mister, in Texas a dollar is change!”
Have you ever taken a good look at what kids are given to eat on Halloween? There’s licorice sticks, marshmallows, candy bars, apples, bubble gum, popcorn, saltwater taffy, sugar-coated peanuts, lollipops, jawbreakers, peppermint sticks, potato chips, fudge, jelly doughnuts, raisin cookies, and chocolate layer cake. All you have to do is look at it and you’ll know what made Wyatt Earp!
HEALTH
You know you’re overworked when you start arguing with recorded messages.
If medical science has made so much progress, why do I feel so much worse than I did twenty years ago?
When it comes to physiques, I don’t have to take a back seat to anyone. Take it? I can hardly lift it!
Did you ever get the feeling on your forty-fifth birthday that your warranty is running out?
It goes back to my childhood. Even then I was weak. You’ve heard of support stockings? I had a support diaper!
You know you’re over the hill when you don’t look at Playboy because holding open that center page aggravates your arthritis.
I don’t know if copper bracelets cure arthritis, but it’s just amazing the way diamond bracelets cure ugliness.
She always gives you the impression of eternal youth and it’s all because of something she puts behind her ears—tucks!
I just had my annual physical and the doctor says I’m as sound as a dollar. But he thinks I’ll recover.
Girls look on me as the strong, silent type. That’s because I can’t talk and hold in my stomach at the same time.
I have a lot of health problems. For instance, I don’t take out the garbage—bad back. I don’t mow the lawn—bad back. I don’t carry in the groceries—bad back. We don’t even have any children—[NOD].
I sure hope Linus Pauling is right. I’ve been taking so much vitamin C—yesterday I broke out in grapefruit!
HEALTH FOOD
I finally figured out why they call it health food. To survive this food, you have to be in perfect health.
I met a fella I haven’t seen for twenty years and I said, “How have you been?” He said, “Not so good. I have emphysema, hardening of the arteries, ulcers, bleeding gums, water on the knee, arthritis, gout, a floating kidney, and high blood pressure.” I said, “That’s terrible. What are you doing for a living now?” He said, “Same old thing-selling health food.”
Have you ever noticed the people who go into these health food stores? They all look like comparison shoppers for Forest Lawn.
I went into one of those natural food restaurants and it was really great. Everything looks so healthy. It’s the first time I ever saw a roach with a tan!
Organic restaurants are where they add nothing to the food and 50 percent to the prices.
I don’t mind telling you, I’m a little suspicious of this restaurant. They claim they never use frozen food. So how come the chef wears mittens?
Do you realize what a crazy world we’re living in? Everything today is artificial preservatives. Nowadays we have bread that lasts and marriages that don’t.
HECKLERS
It’s been such a pleasure talking to you, I’d like to invite you to spend the weekend at our summer place—if you don’t mind sleeping in the cellar. One more thing—it’s a houseboat.
I need you like Rip Van Winkle needed Sominex.
Sir, I’d like to leave you with one thought, but I’m not sure you have a place to put it!
Sir, about your last remark—and I hope it was.
I have an idea. Let’s all get down on our knees and look for your IQ!
Tell me, would you care to step outside and say that? Good! I’ll stay here and finish my talk.
I need you like Van Gogh needed stereo!
I just heard a wonderful curse: “May you be an exhibitionist and may all your victims be nearsighted!”
He says he has an open mind and I believe it. It retains nothing.
Has it ever occurred to you, you’d make a great parole officer? You never let anyone finish a sentence.
I like the way he’s always smiling. I don’t know if he has nothing to worry about or nothing to worry with.
Sir, I know this is an open meeting—
but that means guests, not mouths.
Having you in the audience is like getting a kidney transplant from a bedwetter!
Sir, you’re a disgrace to your race—the human.
He reminds me of the flight I came in by. It’s also nonstop.
Sir, how does it feel to be a beer can on the highway of life?
Sir, are you studying to be a Xerox machine? You keep repeating yourself.
I’ll say one thing. When you put in your two cents’ worth, you sure haven’t overvalued it.
Please, let’s keep this an ethyl-type meeting. No knocks!
One of the first rules in business or in life is, learn how to cut your losses. For instance, I happen to know this man is an only child.
He’s the type who votes for a bond issue and then moves.
Sir, would you mind sitting down? So far you’ve had all the impact of a Water Pik on the Chicago Fire.
There’s a man who’s got it all together.
He has a loud tie and a mouth to match.
Sir, I see you’ve been drinking martinis on the rocks and I think they’ve gone to your head. Not the martinis—the rocks!
Sir, has it ever occurred to you that half of communication is listening?
Madam, you have a tongue that could slice pickles!
I like that outfit you’re wearing. First time I ever saw a seersucker mink!
HIGHWAYS
Every time I take the expressway I run into the work of that great French road builder—De Tour.… I’ve veered to the right so many times I get fan letters from Bill Buckley.
You know what shakes me up? There’s always a sign saying: THIS HIGHWAY IS BEING BUILT WITH $42,000,000 IN FEDERAL FUNDS, $3,000,000 IN STATE FUNDS, $800,000 IN COUNTY FUNDS, $350,000 IN CITY FUNDS—and all you can see is three fellas leaning on shovels.… Three fellas leaning on shovels at eight dollars an hour and another fella with a red flag at ten dollars an hour. Naturally he gets a little more. How do you lean on a red flag?
And somewhere on the sign there’s the line: THIS HIGHWAY WILL BE COMPLETED BY—and the date is always six months ago. They’re called bulldozer projects. The workers doze and the signs are bull.
But what really gets to me is the part that says: YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK. You don’t know how it chokes me up to realize that a lifetime of blood, sweat, and tears has gone into an off ramp to Bayonne, New Jersey.
Isn’t that a wonderful name—leap year? Sounds like a pedestrian trying to cross Hollywood Boulevard [LOCALIZE]!
I was in a traffic jam on the Long Island Expressway [LOCALIZE] that was so bad, it’s the first time I was ever passed by an abandoned car.
HISTORY
Legend has it that Columbus stepped onto the soil of the New World, dug a hole, and planted a sprig of mistletoe. Then he told the Indians to kiss their country good-bye.
Actually, for the next five hundred years the white man was very good to the Indians. We didn’t give them the complete arrow, but we certainly gave them the shaft.
Did you ever get the feeling that Indians are red because they’re embarrassed for us?
Historians have just discovered the original battle flag from Little Big Horn, and embroidered across it is the affectionate nickname the troops had given to General Custer: KLUTZ!
Misery is General Custer turning to his troops and saying, “Don’t worry, men, reinforcements are on their way—by Amtrak!”
My son flunked history. I said, “History!
When I was your age, that was my easiest subject!” He said, “Big deal. When you were my age, what had happened?”
A typical American is someone who complains about violence in the streets, violence in the schools, violence in the media—then tunes in the roller derby.
You know what’s wrong with this country? We remember the Alamo; we remember the Maine; and we remember Pearl Harbor. When we win, we forget!
I always observe the anniversary of Pearl Harbor by doing something patriotic—like getting bombed!
HOLLYWOOD
In a way, plastic trash bags are like the movie industry. They make garbage look attractive.
I don’t know what’s happening to Hollywood. I watched them shoot a scene of a girl taking a bath and it was embarrassing. There was a ring around the tub—three deep!
Hollywood actresses are very grateful to the Academy Awards. It’s one of the few times they get patted on the back and it’s that high up!
Hollywood is now very money-conscious. If they did Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs today—they’d use Mickey Rooney and six mirrors.
I think that Hollywood has been amazingly tolerant through the years. Let’s face it, when have you ever heard of a movie rating a church?
Hollywood is now doing an updated version of Cinderella. Cinderella’s coach turns into a pumpkin and the very next day two people are looking for her—the Prince and Ralph Nader.
As you know, Cinderella has two stepsisters. I didn’t believe they were stepsisters until I saw their measurements—22–33–44.
HOME MOVIES
I have to admit, my wife and I are sadists. We visited a couple who had just come back from Africa. They had a projector set up, the screen, forty-two cans of film—and we never asked them about their trip.
What can you really say during three hours of home movies? I’ll tell you what I say—“Wow!” It’s not very clever but it hides a yawn.
People really get wrapped up in home movies. He was saying, “We saw Venice and Florence and Rome and—” I said, “Our house burned down, the kids were kidnapped, and my wife has leprosy.” He said, “And Munich and Hamburg and Stuttgart and …”
HONEYMOONS
You can always tell the brides who have a problem. They’re the ones who wear a sheer black nightgown, an exciting French perfume, and rubber gloves!
One of the first things you learn on your honeymoon is, when you’re carrying your bride over the threshold, always go in sideways—unless two broken ankles and a concussion turn you on.
I know a couple who were arrested on their honeymoon. He carried her over the threshold and made passionate love to her. Unfortunately, not in that order.
Talk about embarrassing moments—I know a mortician who got married, carried his bride across the threshold, dropped her onto the bed, and from force of habit crossed her hands.
A sinking feeling is what you get when you marry a shy, demure, retiring type girl; you go to Niagara Falls; you open your suitcase; she opens her suitcase—and it’s full of whips!
A sadist is someone who slows down the elevators in a honeymoon hotel.
I’ll never forget my honeymoon. My wife put on her sexiest negligee, snuggled up close, and in a very shy voice said, “Dear, now that we’re married, can I do anything I want?” I said, “Anything you want.” She said, “Anything I want?” I said, “Anything you want!” So she went to sleep.
I leaned over and whispered in her ear, “I love you terribly.” She said, “I know, but we’ll have the rest of our lives to work on it.”
HOSPITALS
I feel good tonight. I just came from a hospital with a great new gimmick: Bourbon tongue depressors!
Nowadays hospitals seem to have a formula. They keep you two days if you have high blood pressure and two months if you have high insurance.
And this place can really run up bills. It’s the only hospital I know that takes three weeks to cure the twenty-four-hour virus.
I’ll tell you how money-hungry this hospital is.
When have you ever heard of pay bedpans?
And when it comes to paying, hospitals don’t kid around. I won’t say what happens if you don’t pay a hospital bill—but did you ever have an appendix put back in?
While I was in the hospital I met the world’s most honest doctor. A nurse asked him, “What are we operating for?” He said, “Five hundred dollars.” She said, “You misunderstand. What does the patient have?” He said, “Five hundred dollars.”
But the doctors are so friendly. One of them kept saying, “How’s every little thing?” I didn’t mind that so much but he was examining my head at the time!
Now, the first thing a hospital does is give you a gown to wear—and these gowns come in three different sizes: SHORT, SHORTER, and DON’T REACH FOR THE COOKIE JAR!
Hospital gowns are like medical insurance policies. They only cover you partway.… In the front it’s cotton and in the back it’s you!
It took me time, but I think I finally figured out why these hospital gowns are so short. It’s their way of pushing the private rooms!
I had a private room. Really private. None of the nurses ever found it.
Have you ever noticed how nurses who give you penicillin shots and airline stewardesses say the exact same thing? “Bring your seat to a full upright position!”
They stuck so many needles into me, I asked the nurse for a glass of water. She said, “Are you feeling faint?” I said, “No. I just want to see if I leak!”
I knew I was in trouble when they gave me a hospital gown with six things on it—handles.
I don’t want to brag, but I take pain pretty well. You’re looking at the only fella who ever wore a starched collar to a tennis match!
You should have seen the guy in the bed next to me. Covered with bandages from head to toe. I said, “What do you do for a living?” He said, “I’m a former window washer.” I said, “When did you give it up?” He said, “Halfway down!”
They use a lot of psychology in this hospital. For instance, they never gave me a sleeping pill. The doctor told the nurse, “When he wakes up, give him an enema.” I slept for thirteen days!
HOUSEHOLD APPLIANCES
Nowadays, everything in the home is run by machines. There’s a machine to wash dishes; there’s a machine to wash clothes; there’s a machine to open cans; there’s a machine to take out the garbage. I know a kid who’s eight years old and he still thinks the repairman is Daddy!
And laborsaving devices have really made housework a lot easier. Why, they figure the average American housewife spends 50 percent of her time in front of something operated by electricity—the TV set!
My wife has the cleanest, whitest, brightest linens in town and it’s all because she uses the same product you see in those detergent commercials—new sheets!
They just put out the world’s first honest washing machine. It has three buttons: RINSE, FADE, and SHRINK!
I always thought a trash compressor was somebody who ate cotton candy.
HOUSES
Show me a man who will get in his car when the temperature is twenty below; drive to the bank through a raging blizzard; then shovel a path to the front door—and I’ll show you a fella who’s making the last payment on his mortgage.
You should see what our house looks like. We have garbage that leaves by itself!
People keep asking me if there’s much work involved in owning a forty-year-old house. Well, on my income tax I list a hardware store as a dependent!
Today I’d like to pay tribute to the local hardware store owner—sometimes known as the Ann Landers of homeowners!
Frankly, I’m not the handiest person in the world.
You can tell that by the questions I ask—like, “How do you get blood off a saw?”
Even my wife knows I’m not handy. For my birthday she gave me a power saw with a year’s supply of fingers.
A happy homeowner is one who likes to fix things around the house—martinis.
When you own a pool, the main thing is to keep it clean. If you can’t vacuum it twice a week, do the next best thing—dust!
To a homeowner, the higher-priced spread is wallpaper.
I’ll tell you what our house looks like. Yesterday the garbage men picked up the living room.
They say Rome wasn’t built in a day. I think this house was.
I’ve had to apply so many layers of plaster, one of the rooms is now a closet!
The wiring is kind of interesting. Every time the phone rings, the lights dim.
I’ll tell you what our roof is like. If we find a puddle on the floor and it’s raining, we don’t blame the dog.
It comes with faucet-type plumbing. If you want anything to work you have to faucet!
I happen to be an armchair traveler. Every time I sit in a chair my wife starts rearranging the furniture.
My wife bought some of that inflatable furniture. Have you seen it? Looks like a contour chair for Quasimodo!
HOUSEWORK
Nowadays, all housewives have one big problem. It’s called the Zoo Problem. A housewife today is expected to dress like a peacock; sing like a nightingale; act like a lovebird; and work like a horse!
Did you see where someone wants to erect a monument to the Unknown Housewife? Isn’t that a great idea? A housewife is someone who spends seven days a week scrubbing the floors, shopping for food, cooking the meals, washing the dishes, watering the lawn, weeding the garden, walking the dog, and being a valet, maid, and chauffeur for the kids. But that isn’t what hurts. It’s when someone asks her husband, “Does your wife work?” And he says, “No!”