by Robert Orben
RELIGION
Some of the new fads in religion are so wild, it’s more like Christ-inanity.
Southern California is known for its avant-God religions.
I don’t mind going to a church service in a drive-in theater. But when they hold the baptisms in a car wash, that’s going too far!
God isn’t dead. He’s just trying to break Himself of going, “Tsk! Tsk! Tsk!”
The wages of sin is death—but at least there are no deductions.
Nowadays the only time people seem to get on their knees is when looking for a contact lens.
I don’t believe in all this popularizing of religion. Somehow I can’t ever see myself saying, “Our Dad who art in heaven.”
It’s amazing how many Detroit Christians there are. The closest they come to a religious experience is buying a raffle ticket for a car.
What the world really needs is one more hymn: “I Did It Thy Way.”
My uncle is a holy roller. He’s the one who mixes up the numbers for Bingo.
The Atheists of America have just announced they will hold their annual convention on April 27th—God willing.
I feel sorry for an atheist who needs help. How do you pray to Charles Darwin?
I just figured out what the smile on the Mona Lisa reminds me of—an atheist in Northern Ireland.
Isn’t that awful? I know an atheist who’s spreading a rumor about the Billy Graham TV show. He claims they’re using canned reverence.
I don’t know what’s happening to this world. I saw a long skinny insect standing like this: [ARMS CROSSED]. I said, “Aren’t you a praying mantis?” He said, “No. I’m an agnostic.”
RENT
I think it’s very nice of them to return to Standard Time on the day before November 1st. It gives us another hour to figure out how to raise the rent.
I just moved into a high-rise apartment. That’s not the architecture. That’s the rent.
Rents are now so high, for the first time in history leases are breaking tenants!
One of the nice things about paying $800 a month for an apartment is, you’re able to retrieve a much better class of magazine from the garbage.
I’m not too thrilled with living in an apartment. Paying rent is like being in the U.N. It costs you a fortune and you have nothing to show for it.
RESORTS
The most important part of any summer resort is the dining room. You’ve never seen such eating. Every ten minutes they have to throw cold water on the cutlery to keep it from overheating.
Eat? People come away from these resorts with black and blue marks from going like this: [TAP YOUR CHEST WITH THE SIDE OF YOUR FIST].
Do you know they got the idea for acupuncture in one of these dining rooms? Twelve people were sitting around a table with forks in their hands and one of them reached out for the last piece of meat.
People eat so much at these resorts, I know a woman who was mugged for her Rolaids!
You have no idea what goes on in these places after midnight. You know how some resorts have a social director? They have a lookout!
And the girls at these resorts are so poised. I told one of them I was a writer and I was only there to get some material. She said, “Well, what you have your hand on is 100 percent nylon.”
Personally, I always use the suave, sophisticated, man-of-the-world approach at summer resorts. Ask them if they want to come up to the room and measure belly buttons!
I do another Continental-type thing I saw Paul Henreid do in a Bette Davis movie. I take out a gold case, put two cigarettes in my mouth, light them, and you’d be surprised what this gets me—emphysema!
Fellas, when going to a summer resort, be careful. In the pantry of every single girl’s heart—there’s a box of wedding cake mix!
RESTAURANTS
I don’t like to go to a very good restaurant. It does something to me to use a napkin that has better material than my suit.
This restaurant is so exclusive, if you want water, they ask you, “What year?”
And they were having a big problem in the kitchen. The owner was saying to a new employee, “Wash those dishes!” The fella said, “But sir, I’m a college graduate.” The owner said, “You are? All right, I’ll show you how.”
I was telling my neighbor, “When you go to a restaurant, if you really want to look important, have the busboy, the waiter, and the maître d’ escort you right out to the street.” He said, “How do you get them to do that?” I said, “Don’t tip!”
The big problem in restaurants is tipping. Tipping is like prunes. You always have to ask yourself, “Is one enough? Is five too many?”
Do you know that I just bought my wife a dinner that cost $175—because the soup had something very special in it? Her contact lens!
They feature soup like Mother used to make—just before they took Dad to the hospital.
It’s one of those restaurants where the waitresses have their hair in a bun—and it’s usually the one on your plate.
You can’t trust some of these restaurants. I paid $5.95 for speckled trout. What do you think I got? A herring with the measles!
Personally, I make it a point never to say grace before a Hungarian dinner. I feel there’s something cynical about saying, “We thank Thee for what we are about to receive,” when what we are about to receive is heartburn!
Where else but in America can you see a sign saying “NO BARE FEET” in a topless restaurant?
RETIREMENT
I’m a little depressed today. I’ve been paying into a plan that allows me to retire at fifty-five on twelve hundred a month. I just found out that means calories.
Retirement is when you settle back and see which gets collected first—pensions, annuities, Social Security, or you.
Pension plans are when all your life you do without steak so that at age sixty-five you’ll have something to sink your teeth into. A glass of water.
Retirement is all in the way you approach it. An interviewer went up to three senior citizens sitting on a park bench in St. Petersburg and asked the first one, “What do you do all day?” He said, “Nothing.” Then he asked the second senior citizen, “And what do you do all day?” He also said, “Nothing.” Finally he asked the third senior citizen, “What do you do all day?” And he answered, “Are you kidding? What do I do all day? In this glorious land of sunshine, contentment, natural beauty, clean air, and unlimited opportunity—what do I do all day? Is that what you’re asking?” The interviewer said, “Yes.” He said, “I help them!”
But have you noticed that retired couples have reached a level of maturity where they never have any of those piddling little quarrels that other people do? They have one big argument that starts at seven in the morning and goes right through till bedtime.… Retirement is when the husband comes up with all kinds of theories on how to do the cooking, housework, and shopping better. And retirement is also when his wife comes up with a theory—that all pills don’t come in bottles!
“My husband’s under my feet all day long.”
“He’s retired?”
“No. He’s a midget!”
I’ll tell you one thing. Retirement communities aren’t like they used to be. Remember when everybody just sat around listening to their lips chap?
No more. Last week I read about a retirement community that was raided. Caught ’em playing strip shuffleboard!
Have you ever been to one of those swingin’ retirement communities? It’s really something. First time I ever saw anybody mainline Geritol!
ROCK MUSIC
Rock isn’t dead. It always smelled like that.
I’m fascinated by these rock groups that have all the electrical equipment on the stage. I know one musician who doubles. He plays first guitar and second fuse box.
People wonder how rock groups can afford all those expensive microphones and amplifiers and tuners and instruments. Then again, look how much money they must save on music lessons.
I wish they wouldn’
t hold any more rock concerts in this town. Every time they plug in the organ, the three guitars, the sixteen spotlights, and the thirty-four amplifiers—my refrigerator defrosts.
And the sound level! Have you ever heard three guitars being fed into thirty-four amplifiers putting out 28,000 watts? Sounded like Ethel Merman with her finger caught in a wringer.
The reason guitars are so popular is, they’re easy to learn. For instance, my kid knows two chords. One is C major—and the other isn’t.
Show me an adult who can smile through a rock and roll concert, and I’ll show you a hearing aid with weak batteries!
What is so rare as a day in June?
A rock and roll hit that sounds like a tune!
That group reminds me of something. My car needs a tune-up too!
I think we should all be tolerant of rock groups. If you bent over in pants that tight, you’d howl too!
It’s like I keep telling my daughter, “I have nothing against the [ROCK GROUP], but every third number, they couldn’t play a polka?”
I can understand why so many kids are becoming composers. Nowadays if you have half a mind to write a hit song—that’s all you need.
It’s just amazing how young some of these rock singers are. I asked one for his autograph and he signed it in crayon.
It’s just amazing how little spare time teenagers have—what with school, homework, baby-sitting, and explaining the names of rock groups to their parents.
Times have changed. In the forties, you shook hands with a singing star and you were so proud you didn’t wash your hand for weeks. Now you shake with a singing star and they haven’t washed their hands for weeks!
I went up to one rock group and I said, “You fellas really have good voices. You could be a great barbershop quartet!” They said, “What’s that?” I said, “Quartet?” They said, “No. Barbershop.”
RUSSIA
Russia is where freedom is everybody’s job and you’ve never seen so many people unemployed!
Don’t tell me what a great country Russia is until its people are allowed to leave. Freeing is believing!
There is no street crime in Russia. This is the only country where you only worry about getting mugged after you get to the police station.
Russia is a country of many religious convictions—
anywhere from five years to life.
Everybody is surprised at how quiet the Russian supersonic plane is. A reporter asked the Russians, “How do you keep the engines so quiet?” He said, “It’s easy. Inspired engineering, meticulous workmanship, unbelievable technology, and we remind them they have relatives back at the factory!”
The big thing in Russia today is chain letters. That’s right. You get a letter from the government and the next thing you know, you’re in chains.
In Russia, it’s not how you play the game—it’s whether you win or lose. Two Russians were talking and it went something like this: “Did you hear about Krupnik? He died after losing the World Tiddlywink Championship.” “Krupnick died after losing the World Tiddlywink Championship? When?” “He starts tomorrow.”
I know one manufacturer who isn’t the least bit worried about competition from Russia and China. He makes voting machines.
I happen to know that Russian airliners have wider seats than we do—only they’re on the stewardesses.
These Russian fur hats are ridiculous. Three times last week I put the cat on my head and walked out.
SALES MEETINGS
Ladies and gentlemen, the purpose of this meeting is to hold a close order march. If we don’t get some orders by March, we’re going to close!
I’d like to start off this sales meeting by saying we had one of the greatest years in history. Boy, would I like to!
This sales meeting will now come to order—to see if we can get our customers to do likewise.
What our selling needs is some imagination! You remember imagination. It’s what you put in your expense accounts.
For the last three weeks the only thing I’ve seen on order pads is dust.
One day our telephone operator fainted and it was six hours before anybody noticed it.
Then there’s the sales manager who doesn’t kid around. He said, “Ladies and gentlemen, the purpose of this sales meeting is to fire you with enthusiasm. If it doesn’t work, I’m going to fire you—with enthusiasm.”
I didn’t do much over the holiday. I read some light fiction—last week’s expense accounts.
SCHOOL
And now, a special message for all you parents in the audience:
School has begun,
You’re feeling alone;
But you haven’t lost kids,
What you’ve gained is a phone!
September is when millions of bright, shining, happy, laughing faces turn toward school. They belong to mothers.
Kids have gone from school to summer camp and now back to school again. It’s mankind’s way of recycling headaches.
My neighbor took her kids to school on opening day and the principal asked her how old they were. She said, “These two are six. These two are eight. And these two are ten.” The principal said, “That’s amazing. Do you get two every time?” She said, “No. Sometimes we don’t get any.”
I’m suffering from a low-grade infection. Every time I see my son’s report card, I get sick!
I’m not sure what my kid is taking in school but I think it’s an acadumbio schedule.
Nowadays there’s no such thing as a kid getting left back. Mark my words, ten years from now the dumbest kid on the block will come home and say, “I just got a fud.” His parents will ask, “What’s a fud?” He’ll say, “I dunno. It just says fud—Ph.D.”
Not that I was such a great scholar. You’re looking at the only kid who ever had to take remedial sandpile!
I couldn’t help it if I didn’t do well in school. My teacher was always saying, “Look, stupid”—and I did.
I was kind of a backward kid in school. For five years I did nothing but ride a bicycle. So they gave me a guitar to change my interest, but it didn’t work. I kept falling off!
I was always getting into trouble in school and it wasn’t my fault. One time I raised my hand and said, “Can I go to the bathroom?” The teacher said, “Did I hear you say ‘can’?” I said, “No. I said ‘bathroom.’ ”
When we were in the third grade, we had two big problems. The first problem was, we had to raise our hand if we wanted to leave the room. The second problem was, the teacher was nearsighted.… I stood on one leg so much, I got fan mail from storks!
We may have been poor, but when I went to school, I always had a hot lunch. I stole a sandwich from another kid!
Do you know that kindergartens are now holding proms? I didn’t believe it myself until I saw that combination dinner jacket/diaper.
A group of teachers threatened to strike if something isn’t done about violence in the schools. Don’t pay any attention to them. They’re just punch-drunk!
I’ll never forget the immortal words of my saintly white-haired old teacher who said, “Show me a boy who talks and fights and carries on—and I’ll show you a pain in the class!”
Yesterday I went to our local public school to see a familiar little figure with snow-white hair—my son. He’s the one who cleans the blackboard erasers.
An interesting thing happened in my son’s school today. The teacher said, “An effigy is a dummy.” One kid said, “I didn’t know that. You mean to say that in November, my father voted for an effigy?”
SCHOOL BUSES
So many kids are riding buses, they say a special prayer each night:
“Now I lay me down to sleep;
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
If I should die please don’t delay;
Call my school and the A.A.A.”
One kid has spent so much time on buses he’s graduating magna cum nauseous!
It’s a very simple idea. Busing is when 20 million school kids and 60 m
illion taxpayers get taken for a ride.
Thanks to school busing, the seat of learning is now black and blue!
Busing is very educational. It’s already taught two thousand drivers to stay single.
I just saw forty-five typical kids waiting on a corner. Now I know why school buses are yellow. I’d be a little chicken myself.
The way kids dress today, it’s kinda dangerous putting them out on the curb at seven o’clock in the morning. One kid was picked up three times for school and twice for garbage.
Happiness is a fella who has just found out the school bus stops right next door to his place of business—and he’s a midget!
SECRETARIES
You can always tell what your secretary thinks of your speech by the kind of pad she takes it down on—steno or Five Day Deodorant.
I just figured out why there are so many problems in the business world: Any woman smart enough to be a secretary—is too smart to be a secretary!
My secretary is a very literal person. Yesterday I was dictating a letter, and for the date, I looked at my Playboy Calendar. She put down, “January Wow!, 1980”!
My secretary always gets upset with me. She says that my heart’s in the right place—but my hand isn’t.
My secretary claims I’m one of the most important men she knows. Unfortunately, she keeps leaving out the r.
I have a very honest secretary. This morning she told a bill collector, “Yes, Mr. [YOUR NAME] is expecting you. He’s out!”
I don’t know how, but I have the only secretary who can make four carbons and no original.
SELLING
Salesmanship is the fine art of getting your customers to pass the buck.
Selling is a lot like water skiing. If you don’t keep moving, you’re sunk!