by Robert Orben
A good salesman is someone who has found a cure for the common cold shoulder.
A good salesman should never overlook the proper use of flattery. You go from show and tell to snow and sell!
I just met the world’s greatest salesman. He rang our bell and I said I couldn’t buy anything because I already had a hard enough time keeping track of all my bills. So he sold me a four-drawer file.
Is this man a salesman? He could have convinced the captain of the Titanic that it was a submarine.
A real salesman is someone who can convince his wife that the X in a movie’s rating stands for Xceptional.
A sales manager has two objectives: to make sure today’s sales are better than yesterday’s—and worse than tomorrow’s.
Then there’s the proud sales manager who looked at his map and said, “We now have pinheads in every state of the Union!”
It’s one of those companies that use subtle psychological motivational techniques. They tell their salesmen to sell like all get out, ’cause if they don’t, that’s what they can do.
SALES CURVE: a 38–22–36 Avon lady.
I think I may have figured out what’s wrong with our business. I overheard the switchboard operator saying, “The sales department is on its coffee break. They’ll call you back in an hour.”
Our sales department has the same problem as the Olympic rowing team. The minute they sit down they start going backwards.
Beware of the salesman who buys shoes by the pair and pants by the dozen.
Do you ever get the feeling that your sales staff couldn’t sell pickles in a maternity ward?
We had one salesman who couldn’t sell Blue Cross to Humpty Dumpty!
He’s the sort of salesman who doesn’t need leads. People keep telling him where to go.
He’s one of those David and Goliath type salesmen. He’s either stoned or slinging it.
I’m not saying Charlie is a dud. But whenever we get a response to one of our ads that say “NO SALESMAN WILL CALL”—we send Charlie.
SENIOR CITIZENS
“My uncle has a terrible problem with liver spots on his hands.” “He’s a senior citizen?” “No. He’s a sloppy eater.”
Have you ever gone to a cocktail party in Sun City? It’s the first time I ever saw a martini served with a prune.
Did you hear about the two old-timers who were sitting in a Playboy Club? Finally one of them nudged the other and said, “Did you ever get the feeling they’re transplanting the wrong things?”
I asked one old-timer, “Do you still go out with girls?” He said, “Are you kidding? Last Friday I took the fastest girl in town up to Lovers’ Lane. We parked and fifteen minutes later she walked home!” I said, “No fooling.” He said, “That’s why she walked home!”
SEX BOOKS
Isn’t it amazing the ads for sex books you get in the mail? I can remember when you took out the garbage. Now you bring it in!
Have you seen some of these sex manuals? They’re ridiculous. How do you explain to a hotel clerk why you’re carrying two suitcases and a trapeze?
I’m so naïve about things like sex manuals, the first time I heard the word “foreplay” I thought they meant bridge.
SEX EDUCATION
Nowadays schools have more sophisticated courses than we had. For instance, they have logic, the art of putting two and two together. Then they have sex education, the art of putting one and one together.
You know what’s embarrassing? A sign saying “EXPERIENCE IS THE BEST TEACHER” in a sex education class.
Schools today aren’t practical. We have the only educational system in the world that teaches kids what to do in bed but not how to make them.
The trouble with sex education is, some kids are getting the answers three years before they come up with the questions.
When it comes to sex education, kids today have a problem. They don’t know whether to pass it and please their teacher—or fail it and please their parents!
Times have changed. Years ago you told kids the facts of life to try to convince them that sex wasn’t all that bad. Now you try to convince them that sex isn’t all that good.
Kids today say that sex is a sublime, inspiring, uplifting, almost religious experience, which can only mean one thing—they’re doing it all wrong.
Frankly, I’m getting a little worried about my son’s school. They charge $25 for a sex education course and $150 for the field trips.
But it’s just incredible the things you learn in sex education classes. Like, I always thought autoeroticism was parking.
When I was a kid I got all of my information from novels and nothing was explicit. Until I was eighteen years old, I thought you got married, went to Niagara Falls, and asterisked!
I’ll never forget the first time I heard the phrase “reproductive organ,” I thought it was a pregnant Wurlitzer!
My parents were very strict. When I was eighteen the most daring thing I had ever done was touch a flesh-colored Band-Aid!
What a great slogan for a sex clinic: PATIENTS ARE OUR MOST IMPOTENT PRODUCT!
SHOPPING
THE JONESES RESPOND:
We were the first to have ten-inch TV;
We were the first to have color TV.
You wonder what’s next for all to see?
We’ll be the first to have bankruptcy.
I just got a phone call from my wife. She said, “On your way home, stop in the store and pick up a package of Cheer.” I said, “Procter & Gamble’s or Seagram’s?”
It’s always dangerous to send a husband shopping. Like, who else would take advantage of a special on twenty-five pounds of pepper?
You know what bugs me about department stores? They advertise a carload sale, and no matter how early you get there, nothing is left. I think the car they load is a Volkswagen.
This is an age of specialization. One store sells nothing but chairs, couches, and cushions. It’s a headquarters for hindquarters!
You don’t know what fear is until you see your wife pushing a shopping cart—through Tiffany’s.
My wife loves bargains. Last week she bought me long winter underwear that was irregular—no flap in the back. But it’s all right. Fortunately, I’m irregular too!
It’s amazing the things people will buy providing they’re on sale. For instance, you’ve heard of electric blankets? Ours is a windup!
Remember when you went into a store, ordered the most expensive item, and said, “The best is none too good”? Now you can say that about almost anything.
SHOW BUSINESS
I haven’t heard from my agent in so long, I’m getting worried. Either he died or I did.
I don’t want to say anything about my agent, but sometimes I get the feeling he couldn’t book the Pope on Sermonette!
Two agents were discussing a comedienne who got married. One agent asked, “What did she do for something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue?” The other agent said, “Her act.”
I’m just fascinated by male singers who always have to take off their ties and open their shirts. Tell me, why can’t they buy clothes that fit?
I once heard a singer who was so bad, they booked him in Off Key West.
I’ve always wanted to go up to Marcel Marceau and say, “Ve haf vays to make you talk!”
I just heard a sad story. This girl always wanted to be a ballerina but she had one great handicap—she had a wooden leg. But she wouldn’t let this stop her. She studied and trained and practiced and rehearsed—and after ten years she was ready to make her debut with the Royal Ballet. The curtain went up, she tiptoed to center stage, did a fantastic pirouette on her wooden leg—and burned the theater down!
“SHOW ME”
Show me a shoplifted girdle and I’ll show you a tax-free foundation.
Show me Mordecai Tupper checking into a motel with Prunella Ware and I’ll show you a Tupper-Ware party!
Show me a person who reaches out to his fellow human being�
�and I’ll show you a purse snatcher!
Show me a fella who hasn’t memorized his speech and I’ll show you the Wizard of Uhs.
SKIING
Skiing has brought joy and happiness and a sense of well-being to hundreds of thousands of people. There is even a name for these people—doctors!
You think I’m kidding? If there was no such thing as skiing, doctors would have invented it!
One of the first things they teach you when skiing is, always keep your knees together. It gives you balance and control, and when you hit something, they don’t have to look as far for your shoes.
I was in a class and the girl next to me was having a terrible time—standing and falling, standing and falling. But she wouldn’t give up. She said, “I’m gonna stand on my skis or bust!” The instructor said, “Don’t be ridiculous. Just stand on your skis!”
Every time I go to a ski resort I have the same thought: What a great name for a training bra—BEGINNER’S SLOPE!
SMALL TOWNS
I come from a town that’s so small, the zip code is a fraction.
It’s a very small town. You know how some towns have a godfather? We couldn’t afford a godfather. We had a second cousin.
It’s the kind of town where the Sunday paper could be delivered by carrier pigeon.
It’s a quiet town. If we wanted to have some excitement we’d go down to the hospital and watch them rip off Band-Aids.
This town is so square, a playboy is anyone who stays up to see the eleven o’clock news!
And it was a very poor town. You know how some communities have public washrooms? We had pay bushes!
You would have loved this town. If it wasn’t for bowling, there wouldn’t have been any culture at all.
I come from a town that believes in law and order. You know how some towns have a cannon in the courthouse square? We had a subpoena!
SMOG
I’ll tell you how bad the smog is. I know a six-year-old kid who doesn’t believe in three things—Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the sun.
Remember when Lost Horizon was a movie? Now it’s Los Angeles during a smog alert.
Smog is so bad, this morning I thought I saw a blue jay. It wasn’t. It was a cardinal holding its breath.
You know smog is getting to be a problem when a fireman is treated for smoke inhalation—and it’s his day off!
Pollution is definitely getting worse. This morning I had to give mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to an air conditioner.
They keep saying the smog situation is getting better but I’m not so sure. Look at Los Angeles. Where else can you find indelible skywriting?
You’ve heard of “My Sin”? Now there’s a perfume that smells like smog. It’s called “Our Sin.”
You know something’s wrong with the air when your tires start wearing out from the inside.
The smog is so bad in this city, it’s ridiculous. Yesterday they caught two people sucking the air out of Canadian tires!
The woman next door really tells it like it is. Yesterday I heard her yelling, “Junior! Don’t stand outside. You’ll get your lungs all dirty!”
But have you noticed how nobody ever talks about the good side of smog? Do you realize if it wasn’t for coughing, some people wouldn’t get any exercise at all?
SMOKING
What can you really say about people who smoke three packs a day? They have a heart of gold and fingers to match.
The nice part about smoking three packs a day is, you don’t have to worry so much about eating mushrooms.
Actually, smoking and sex have a lot in common. They both give you something to do with your hands.
They now claim that smoking causes wrinkles. So does army coffee.
I quit smoking cold turkey, and you know why? You ever try to keep a cold turkey lit?
Have you heard about the new two-step method to cure yourself of smoking in bed? (1) Buy a water mattress. (2) Fill it with gasoline.
I owe a lot to smoking. Thanks to smoking, I now puff on cigarettes, cigars, pipes, and stairs.
Misery is being a smoker—and being chased by a mugger who isn’t.
SNOW
I just saw the abominable snowman. It was a kid who charged me ten dollars to shovel the walk.
That’s what kids are charging these days. I call them the Mittens Mafia.
I think this kid was even mentioned in the Bible. It says, “And a little child shall bleed them.”
Ten dollars to clear a walk and he’s really in demand. I know I called him. You should have heard what I called him!
You know something? When I was a kid, if I had charged someone ten dollars to clear off their walk, I would have wiped my fingerprints off the shovel!
I have to be honest. I can’t stand to see my wife shoveling snow. I pull down the shades.
I would have asked my brother-in-law to shovel the snow but, in all fairness, he does have a medical problem—his elbow. He can’t get it off the bar.
Once upon a time a middle-aged father sat in his living room and outside it began to snow and snow and snow. Then his big, strong teenage son came into the living room and said, “Gee, Dad, it’s beginning to snow and snow and snow!” Whereupon he called up his girl friend, canceled their date for that evening, and without ever being asked, he shoveled all the snow off the driveway, the sidewalk, and the path to the front door. Once upon a time.
Everybody on our street has a snow blower. It’s fantastic. We have snow that fell three weeks ago and it still hasn’t hit the ground!
Incidentally, do you know the difference between a snow blower and [NAME OF CANDIDATE]? [NAME OF CANDIDATE] throws it all year round.
This should be an interesting winter. My neighbor and I have parallel driveways—and we both bought snow blowers.
SOAP OPERAS
I really don’t know much about TV soap operas. To me, “The Secret Storm” is ulcers.
I love those titles—“Search for Tomorrow”! I didn’t even know it was missing. Quick, somebody call God!
My wife watches so many soap operas, our picture tube doesn’t have snow—it has suds!
My wife loves soap operas. She saves her ironing for them. Every time I smell burnt cloth, I know someone’s been either hatched, matched, or dispatched!
Soap operas are marvelous. One show is about an alcoholic, a murderer, a two-timing husband, an embezzler, a teenager on drugs, an unfaithful wife, a child molester, and an unmarried mother. You know what it’s called? “Just Plain Folks”!
I won’t say what goes on in these stories, but when I change channels, I wear rubber gloves.
They say these soap operas are true to life, which is ridiculous. When did you ever have a thirty-minute argument with your wife that ended with organ music?
But you really get involved. I was watching one today and a father said, “You mean our little Sissie—our sweet, innocent, sheltered, unspoiled daughter—is expecting a baby? Who do you suspect?” Well, I’ve seen Sissie and I’ll tell you who I suspect—the 43rd Armored Cavalry!
And the way these stories drag on. I saw one woman take eleven months to have a premature baby!
I know a soap opera writer who has a terrible problem. His wife said, “Take out the garbage”—and he hasn’t sold a script since!
SOCIAL SECURITY
Is there anything more embarrassing than two forty-nine-year-old women meeting in a Social Security office?
Have you seen the estimates of what we’ll be paying for Social Security in the future? Congress thinks of everything. Not only does the government take care of you in your old age—but it makes you reach it a lot faster.
My neighbor’s a real conservative. He says the only Social Security he ever needed was a diaper.
SONS
I have a son who needs orthodonture, his tonsils taken out, glasses, and orthopedic shoes. It’s like I told my wife, “This is the last kid we take ‘as is’!”
What’s more, he’s a hypochondriac. Five times
a day I have to tell him there is no such thing as terminal acne!
Kids today have it made. My kid has his own room, his own TV, his own stereo, his own library, his own refrigerator. When he wants to run away from home he doesn’t pack a suitcase, he calls Allied!
My kids are always on the defensive. One morning I shook my ten-year-old and said, “Wake up. I want to show you something.” He said, “What?” I said, “The break of day.” He said, “I wasn’t near it!”
Have you noticed how kids are always complaining? To a five-year-old, nothing is ever right. He’s like Ralph Nader with a runny nose!
I was telling my boss about the upsetting thing that happened at our house today. The dogcatcher got Rex. He said, “Rex is your dog?” I said, “Rex is our son.”
There’s something unnerving about a kid with a Daniel Boone haircut, a Mark Twain mustache, and an Abe Lincoln beard telling you he’s rejecting the past.
I have a fourteen-year-old son who has so much hair, I don’t know whether to call him Melvin or Rapunzel.
I’ll tell you how long my son’s hair is. It’s been three years since we bought him a haircut, a tie, or jockey shorts.
My wife gets so sentimental about our teenager. Last week she went out and bronzed his parole.
I don’t want to brag about my kids but my son is a four-letter student in high school and it’s going to save me a fortune in college. The four letters are D-U-M-B and he isn’t going!
Kids today are very concerned about ecology. Yesterday my teenager said, “We have to do something about cleaning up the environment!” I said, “Great! Let’s start with your room!”
You should see his room—and he won’t let anyone touch it. He says, “Leave it alone. I know where everything is.” And he does. It’s on the floor!