The Cost Of Love And Sanity

by Jaye Cheríc

  “Sure,” she said, puzzled.

  Once she hung up, Alex grabbed her notepad and pen out of instinct. Whenever she had to go talk to her boss, she always wanted to have a pen and paper, certain that he would say something she needed to remember. From the way he sounded over the phone, he had important things to discuss.

  Within five minutes, Alex was knocking on his door.

  “Come in,” Mr. Sims said.

  Alex walked into the plush office and shut the door behind her. It looked like something out of a magazine. The dark brown wooden furniture matched the rest of the wood décor. A chess game was set on a small round table next to an unlit fireplace. Three historical paintings on the wall were lit from above. He motioned to her to come forth. She walked carefully over the thick, beige carpet. When she reached his cherry brown executive desk, she stood in front of it while he finished a call.

  He hung up and pointed toward the seat in front of his desk. “Have a seat.”

  Alex sat down and leaned forward, awaiting his words.

  “How’s everything going?”

  “Pretty well, sir.”

  “Great. How’s the proposal coming along?”

  “Very good. I am putting the finishing touches on it now.”

  “Now?”

  Why didn’t I just say it was complete? “Yes, Sir. Finishing touches.”

  He nodded. “Is there anything that you need?”

  “No, Sir. Everything is under control. Once I present the proposal, we can hash out the details and I will get started.”

  “Okay. As I’m sure you recall that we’ve been having a tough time over the past year with recruiting. As a result, we’ve had to pull back on a lot of our resources.” He sighed. “Your event is not only going to require a lot from our clients but it’s going to require a lot from us as well. With that said, if we do it, it must be a success.”

  “Oh, it will be. Absolutely. Without a doubt.”

  “Let’s hope so because if it is not,” he paused, “let’s just say it won’t look good for you.”

  Alex swallowed the lump in her throat. She understood what this meant. If this job fair did not succeed, she could kiss her job goodbye. A small surge of panic crept up her spine but she headed it off before it could go all the way up.

  “I understand, Sir. You nor the clients will be disappointed.”

  He smiled for the first time since she arrived in his office. “Good. I look forward to that. Well, that’s all I had. Let me know if you need anything.”

  “Sure.”

  Alex stood up and walked out the door. She couldn’t get back to her own office fast enough. She walked with her head down deep in thought about Mr. Sims’ little “pep talk.” Alex didn’t expect to feel this type of pressure. He was obviously sending her a warning that she’d better heed. Alex had to make this job fair work and she would start with this proposal. It would be done before she left the building. No exceptions. I will make this the best event this company has ever had.

  CHAPTER 9

  At seven on the dot Friday night, Alex stood in front of her mirror half-dressed. It took some time to decide what to wear. The cleaners still had her preferred outfit, which meant she had to find something else quickly. She thumbed through the clothes in her closet. She pulled out a pink and black dress she’d worn about five months ago but it looked too summery to her. Her eyes rested on a long skirt with two five-inch slits up each side. She frowned. The matching shoes were unsuitable for winter weather. Alex chose a long sleeve, beige sweater dress and matching boots. After she laid it out on her bed, she returned to her mirror to figure out what to do with her hair.

  As she pulled her hair backward and turned it sideways to view it from different angles, her nerves set in. She’d managed to avoid them all day but, in her quiet moment of getting ready, they were threatening to overtake her. She had so many thoughts and feelings that were unresolved. She wanted to ask Nathan many questions. Like did he ever love her? Did he regret cheating on her? Had he changed? Yet, she didn’t know how to ask these questions casually. Alex plugged her flat iron into the wall and slid into her sweater dress.

  After parting her hair a few times and smoothing out the rough edges, Alex unplugged her iron and brushed her hair over her shoulders. She gave herself a nod of approval in the mirror and walked downstairs. She passed the clock on her stove. It read seven forty-eight. Alex sighed. I wonder where he is. With no call, text or email, she didn’t know what to think of his tardiness but decided not to draw a conclusion about it yet. She paced the floor a few times. Alex finally picked up her phone, walked over to her living room and flipped on the TV. She placed the phone on the coffee table and switched the channels. She landed on Lifetime. She didn’t usually watch that movie channel but she figured she’d watch the current movie while she waited.

  Three commercial breaks passed. Alex picked up the remote and hit Select. The clock read eight thirty-five. She stared at it hoping it would magically subtract an hour and five minutes. It didn’t work. She didn’t have an explanation for Nathan’s absence but one thing she did know for sure; her anger felt like lava heat ready to ooze out of her and melt everything within her reach. She let the screen return to the movie and crossed her arms. Her cell phone rang.

  She picked it up off the coffee table.

  “Hello?”

  “Hey, Alex,” Nathan said, as his voice came through the line. “I’m so sorry. My friend’s car broke down. He called me to help him at four and I thought sure I had enough time to get to you but…” His voice trailed off. “I just got home and I’m covered in grease.”

  Alex closed her eyes and sighed.

  “I’m sorry. We can reschedule this for another time. How about tomorrow?”

  Alex’s chest felt heavy, almost too heavy to suck in enough air to speak. How could he do this? Does he expect me to be available at his whim? What kind of game is he playing? This must have been a mistake. She didn’t even know why she gave him her number. “I have a lot to do tomorrow,” she uttered.

  “Oh. Well, what about next Wednesday or Thursday?”

  “I’m not sure about then either. Look, thanks for giving me a call. I hope your friend’s car is working again,” Alex said, devoid of any emotion.

  “I think it’ll be fine. I’m gonna call you later so we can set something up, okay? I’d really like to see you again,” Nathan said.

  Alex took a deep breath. “Sure. Goodbye, Nathan.”

  She hung up without hearing his goodbye. As she kicked off her shoes and threw her legs onto the sofa to finish the Lifetime movie, she felt the heaviness again. Except this time it wasn’t just her chest that felt heavy; it was the heart underneath it that weighed a ton.

  •••

  On the following warm and sunny Saturday afternoon, Alex sat in the office inside of her house. The room overlooked the subdivision’s neat and clean landscape. She glanced out the window and caught a glimpse of the sunlight bouncing off the tree leaves—so inviting. She wished she could go outside and at least take a walk somewhere but she needed to work. Even though she’d finished her proposal, Mr. Sims’ warning still rang in her head. She needed to stay ahead of the game. So, she decided to start planning for the fair.

  However, in the middle of looking through venues, she found her mind wandering. Alex leaned back in her black, executive chair, unable to resist allowing her mind to replay Nathan standing her up. She couldn’t believe she wasted time wanting him to call and then, when he finally called and set up a date, he missed it. A mixture of sadness and anger engulfed her heart all over again.

  Alex usually figured things out quite quickly but relationships were kicking her butt. It was enough to make her forgo them in favor of taking matters into her own hands. But where would she start? She sat up in her chair and switched back to the Internet. Alex went to Google and searched for sperm donors. A sperm bank popped up first. She reluctantly clicked on it and the yellow and white website appeared bef
ore her eyes.

  The phone number and hours of operation for the bank sat at the top left-hand corner of the site. Farther down, she saw one of the most thorough search boxes she’d ever seen. It was like a catalogue. She had the choice from a variety of hair colors, eye colors, heights, weights and ethnicities. Out of curiosity, she clicked on black hair, any eye color and around six feet tall. She clicked on search and leaned into the computer for the results.

  Up came the basic demographics for donors, along with a code number. She clicked on the African-American donor who was six-one and 185 pounds. She immediately saw a list of information on his hair type, blood type and other profile information. They even provided a description of his personality. On the right side of the screen, she saw the price for the donor’s sperm. $565. Alex leaned back in her chair, floored.

  Instinct led her to pick up the phone to dial Izzy’s number. She had to tell somebody about this. Izzy picked up on the second ring.

  “Hello?”

  “Girl, you will never believe what I am looking at.”

  “What?”

  “I am looking at an online sperm bank.”

  “What? Why are you looking at that?”

  Alex gasped. She remembered that she hadn’t told Izzy about her thoughts of pursuing motherhood on her own. She placed her hand over her mouth, trying to think fast and figure out what to say.

  “Oh. I happened to be on Google searching for something else and you know how other stuff pops up on the search engine? Well, it was there.” Alex crossed her fingers, hoping that her friend bought her excuse.

  “Oh! Whew! You scared me for a minute there.” Izzy laughed.

  “Yeah. Well, I had to click on it to see what it was about. It’s like a catalog,” Alex said.

  “Really?”

  “Yeah. They got prices and all.”

  “OMG! I gotta see this. What’s the website?”

  “www.theasibank.com.”

  “Hold on.” Izzy disappeared from the phone. A few minutes later, she came back.

  “Wow! I am blown away. Who knew it was this deep?” Izzy asked.

  “I didn’t,” Alex said.

  “Well, thank God we don’t have to do this. Paying for what should be free is not the way to go.”

  Izzy’s comment felt like an arrow piercing Alex’s skin. She winced a little.

  “Yeah, but I guess it helps a lot of people,” Alex said.

  “Sure but it’s also a business. Someone is making money off of what should be a part of nature. Selling our blood on the corner. It’s an abomination.”

  “What?” Alex looked at the phone.

  “Okay, maybe that’s going a little overboard but it’s definitely unnecessary,” Izzy said.

  Mixed emotions ran through Alex’s body. On one hand, she was happy that she hadn’t told her friend that she’d been thinking about doing this on her own. As free-spirited as Izzy had always been, she never expected her to be so judgmental about this but she guessed everybody had an opinion. On the other hand, she was disappointed that her best friend opposed another woman’s choice. Sure, she didn’t know that Alex had considered this choice but it still stung to know that in this decision—the most important one of her life—she may not be able to count on her friend.

  She supposed she might have received a different reaction had she told Izzy that Nathan had stood her up. Sympathy, perhaps. But Alex wasn’t in the mood to talk about that disappointment. She looked up at the ceiling as if expecting some reassurance from God.

  “Well, I saw that and had to share. Let me get back to work,” Alex said, seeking to end the call before she began to show her true feelings.

  “Okay. I’ll call you later,” Izzy said.

  “All right. Bye.”

  After Alex hung up the phone with Izzy, she went back to searching the bank website. She spent forty-three minutes looking at the donor descriptions. There was only one that stood out but he cost $700. Why in the world does sperm cost so much? These people really were trying to get rich off a delicate situation.

  She clicked on the X at the top of the site’s window. She didn’t see anyone on the website that was worth $700, even if he was a Ph.D.

  Alex turned back to the window she originally opened. She needed to get back to work and focus but the words on the page seemed to run together. Baby thoughts were still occupying her mind. She had searched the bank, hoping she would find answers to help clarify her direction. Instead, she had more concerns. She didn’t know how Roxie was able to reach such a happy destination, but the road Alex occupied seemed to twist and turn, leaving her as confused and lonely as before.

  CHAPTER 10

  The meteorologist on Channel 14 predicted a sixty percent chance of rain. So far, the sky only had a slight overcast. Alex almost cancelled eating dinner with her mother. Between the weather and her unexpected letdown from Nathan, she didn’t feel up to it but she decided she still craved some good food and hoped the sky would stay clear. Maybe her mother wouldn’t notice her distraction.

  Alex turned onto Robin Avenue with her mother in the passenger seat. As she approached the red light, her mother held out her hand.

  “Wait!”

  “What, Mama? I was stopping. What do you think, I’m gonna run through the red light?” Alex asked.

  “Well, I don’t know. You kept going,” her mother said.

  “I wasn’t going to run a red light, Mama.” She couldn’t wait to reach The Seashore Restaurant. She really hated driving her mother anywhere. She complained even without anything to complain about. She tried to insist that her mother drive but she climbed into Alex’s passenger seat and refused to move.

  Alex finally pulled into the restaurant parking lot. As soon as they walked in, she noticed a long line of people waiting for a table. They approached the chipper, young hostess.

  “Hi. Welcome to The Seashore. Will there be two?” the hostess asked.

  “Yes,” Alex said.

  “Okay. It’s going to be about a fifteen-minute wait. Is that okay?”

  “Not really,” Alex’s mother mumbled.

  “Ma,” Alex said. “That’ll be fine,” she said, turning back to the young girl.

  The hostess nodded and handed Alex a beeper. Alex looked around the waiting area for a place for her and her mother to sit but all the seats were taken. She remembered seeing empty chairs outside. When she peeped through the window, she noticed that they were still available.

  “C’mon, Ma. We can sit outside.”

  Alex opened the door for her mother and they walked over to the empty, wooden chairs. She sat down and crossed her legs. Her mother plopped her stocky frame down in front of her.

  “Ooh. These chairs are too low,” her mother said.

  “Well, I didn’t see anything higher, Ma. Unless you want to go back to the car or sit on those bricks over there.” Alex pointed to the stack of bricks that were holding the greenery close to the building.

  “Then, I won’t be able to enjoy the dinner for itching.” Her mother tooted her lips up. “I guess I might as well stay here.”

  If the Olympics made complaining an event, her mother would win a gold medal. Alex prayed that she didn’t spend the whole lunch complaining. She didn’t feel like hearing it today. She had too much on her mind. She frowned.

  “What’s going on in your life?” her mother asked, peering at her daughter. She leaned forward to hear what she had to say, seeming to sense something wrong.

  Although Alex knew what her mother wanted to hear, she chose to give her what she wanted to give her: work talk.

  “Well, my company is undergoing a lot of changes. Executives say we aren’t doing as well as usual and someone will lose their job soon.”

  Her mother’s eyebrows shot up. “Who?”

  “They haven’t said but we are all instructed to be on our Ps and Qs.”

  “You do not need to lose your job, especially with that big house you’re living in. Who ever heard of a sing
le woman living in a house that big?” Her mother shook her head.

  “It’s a two-story house. Not a mansion.”

  “Still. It’s too big.”

  Just like her mother to see the negative. She couldn’t be happy she had a successful daughter. She had to find a means to point out Alex’s shortcomings. It never failed. “Anyway, I don’t think I’m going anywhere,” Alex said.

  “I hope not.” She scanned Alex. “Anything else going on? Met anyone new?”

  “No, Ma.”

  “Why not?”

  The beeper flashed and buzzed. Grateful for the distraction, Alex stood up and led her mother inside the restaurant.

  The hostess sat them in a booth near the window, offering full view of the busy intersection and a Babies “R” Us store across the street. Alex immediately thought about the sperm bank she found on the Internet. She quickly turned away, hoping that the baby longing she felt in her heart didn’t show in her eyes.

  The women ordered and within twenty-five minutes the server brought their food to the table. Alex ordered a Wood-Grilled Shrimp Fest. Her mother had a full plate of pasta and a side of broccoli.

  “Enjoy your meal, ladies,” the server said.

  Alex nodded. As she picked up her glass of water and took a sip, her eyes fell back on the Babies “R” Us store and she began to ponder the bank again. Was it really all that bad of an idea? Maybe she needed more than one opinion.

  “Ma?”

  “What?”

  “Have you watched the news lately?”

  “A little bit but I don’t listen to the radio shows anymore because I don’t work. So now I only catch the evening news, except for last Wednesday. I had to wash my car. It’s been so cold outside but I couldn’t take looking at that car another day. It had dirt spots all over it. You know the kind that look like they’ve been on there for days, accumulated from when it spot-rains? That’s how mine—”

  “Ma,” Alex said, sighing. “I asked because I wanted to know if you saw the story about the actress, Roxie Miller.”

  “I’m not sure. What about her?” her mother asked, digging into her plate of pasta.