Just Here for the Pain (gay rocker BDSM romance) (The Underdogs Book 2)

by K. A. Merikan

  He eventually untangled himself from the crowd, relieved that it was Dusk and Lolly who had to deal with most of the attention, and ran behind the bus to hide in the Tesla and maybe smooth out things with Asher.

  But the car was gone.

  Sid looked around in confusion, but neither Asher nor his Tesla were anywhere to be seen.

  Was this Asher throwing a tantrum? Patient, pleasant Asher? Sid couldn’t believe this shit. He rolled his eyes and grabbed his phone, ready to even apologise if Asher was particularly sulky.

  But he followed the onslaught of text messages on his phone, and a sick feeling curled up in his gut. The messages were full of misspellings, but Sid understood them well enough to get goose bumps all over.

  [I need a breather. Go with the guys.]

  [How do you imagine this tour anyway? Do you want me to pretend that I’m just your publicist? The more I think about it the less I like it.]

  [We’re together, and if Dusk and Lolly can be out there with their entire relationship, why can’t you even admit that you’re with someone? Is it because you don’t want anyone suspecting it’s me?]

  [I thought you were serious about this.]

  Sid was serious! That didn’t mean the whole world needed to know. With dread climbing up his back, he read on.

  [I’ve chased you for years, but you’re only really interested in getting what you want from me. You wouldn’t even look at me if I couldn’t spank you as hard as you want.]

  [Are you embarrassed of being with a guy like me? Do I not fit in with your bad boy image, or something?]

  [I love you, but this won’t work.]

  Sid’s eyes went wider and he had to read the message twice for it to sink in. “The fuck?” he whispered to himself.

  [Let’s just finish it now, before things get even more intense. This is already too much for me, and you think I’ll just be there every time you want me, to give you exactly what you want at the moment. What about the things I need? I can’t constantly bend to what you want.]

  [I’m not made of stone. If you want something casual and secret, it can’t be with me. I thought you’d get there, but I can’t wait anymore.]

  Sid’s heart beat like a mad drummer, and he hovered his fingers over the phone to type something back, but as his mind went blank, yet another message came in.

  [Thanks for everything anyway. Have a great tour. Mage can still contact me about the promo. I want you all to succeed, even if we didn’t work out.]

  “No, no, no, no,” Sid whispered, confused as if hit over the head with a baseball bat. This wasn’t possible. Asher couldn’t have…left.

  Since Sid couldn’t work out what to text, he quickly chose Asher’s number and called, but after several rings, Asher just disconnected the call.

  So Sid tried again, only to hear a robotic voice tell him the number could not be reached.

  Did Asher…block him?

  Sid stared at the screen until it went black again, but nothing came to his mind as he read the messages over and over. So this was it? Sid had opened up his chest until his ribs cracked, offered Asher his heart raw and still beating, for Asher to bail at the first hint of inconvenience?

  This was bullshit.

  Sid walked around the bus, relieved to see that at least some of the fans had gone already. “Mage, can I use your phone?”

  “Yeah, sure.” Mage gave him a quizzical glance, but handed over his cell without question.

  Sid climbed into the bus and ushered Abra out of the back so that he could hide in a dark corner himself. He chose Asher’s number.

  The signal tortured him for a while with its dead sound, but the moment Asher picked up, a word-bomb dropped out of Sid. “Are you seriously fucking dumping me over text for not holding your hand? After all we’ve been through? What the fuck is wrong with you? Something doesn’t go your way once, and you bitch-quit on me?!”

  Asher only responded after a moment’s silence, his voice dull. “It’s not about the fucking hand. I did everything I could to be the man you need, but you won’t compromise on anything. You don’t even discuss this with me. You just expect me to follow you like a puppy, to always play by your rules. Can’t do this anymore.”

  “You were perfectly happy yesterday! And it’s me who follows, because you’re the Dominant!” Sid barked out the last words, trying to keep his voice down, but his nerves were spiraling out of control so rapidly it felt as if the walls of the bus were about to collapse around him.

  “In bed, and only because that’s what you want from me. You know what, Sid? I’ve suffered through all those rejections, through all the mocking, hoping that things would change, but that never happened. You still just assume things and never discuss them with me.”

  “I suffered through you stalking me, so I think we’re even!” Sid couldn’t keep his breath in check anymore and curled his knees under his chin.

  Asher exhaled so loudly the line crackled. “And that’s the problem, Sid. I’m always gonna be just a stalker. You won’t get close to me in public, and when someone better comes along, you’re gonna run. I know you will.”

  “No, Ash. I’m trying to communicate important shit to you here. Why are you making this so hard?” Sid squeezed the phone, wishing Asher was here so he could shake him into being reasonable.

  “You’re trying to communicate that it’s all about you. And it’s not sudden, because this kind of stuff comes up time and time again when we talk. I don’t want to constantly keep myself in check and worry about the thing between us ending. I’m done. I’m tired. And through with this. And don’t go home, because I’m heading for the airport. Need time to think.”

  Sid opened his lips, but Asher disconnected, and when Sid tried to call him again, Mage’s number was blocked as well.

  Sid let his hand drop, stunned by what had just happened and torn between hiding under a blanket and breaking a window with his bare fist. The curtain opened, and he recoiled when Mage popped his head in. “Are you going with us after all?” he asked.

  “Yeah,” Sid said, passing him the phone. He tried to smile, but it didn’t work out.

  Mage looked back as the crazy train of Lolly and Dusk entered the bus, and he slid into the bedroom area, shutting the curtain behind him. “What’s up with you?”

  “I’m fine.” It came out harsher than Sid would have wished. He leaned against the back of his bunk. “It’s just so annoying with the bus thing. Maybe we can upgrade next year.”

  Mage stood still, as if he wanted to pry some more, pull on the fresh scab until Sid bled to death, but in the end he mumbled something and disappeared when Dawn called out for him.

  Sid sighed in relief when he realized his backpack was in the bus, not in the Tesla, since that piece of luggage contained pretty much everything he owned.

  He was numb when he put his hand over his newly-pierced nipple. How could Asher have dumped him? He’d been there through the highs and lows of The Underdogs, always enthusiastic and immune to whatever insults Sid hauled at him. Kinda creepy in his love-me-love-me neediness, but he’d been the one person Sid could rely on never leaving him.

  How did the two of them get to the point when Asher chose to leave Sid behind?

  Dusk barged in behind the curtain with a grin. “We’re popping the beers open,” he said and encouraged Sid to get up with a gesture.

  The bus came to life, reminding Sid just how shaky his life would be once again. “I’m not in the mood.”

  Dusk rolled his eyes. “You want me to make you a sandwich?”

  “I don’t want a motherfucking sandwich, Dusk! I’m not in the mood!”

  “What if it’s peanut butter?”

  Sid got up and pushed Dusk out behind the curtain. “No!”

  Dusk laughed, but at least he pissed off, and Sid was free to bury himself under a blanket in the deepest, darkest corner of the bus.

  Maybe if he slept for long enough, Asher would decide to call him back after all?

  W
ith the short curtain drawn along his bunk, he slid under the blanket and curled up as frosty needles bit into his flesh. Gravity shifted constantly as the bus moved over uneven roads, leaving Sid feeling as if he was stranded in the bowels of a ship traveling to the end of the Earth. The sense of catastrophe squeezed like an iron cage around his chest, tightening with each passing minute.

  He’d done it.

  He’d managed to antagonize the one person he’d fallen in love with.

  Maybe he should have just let Asher do what he wanted? And yet somehow it now felt there must have been a much deeper undercurrent of resentment on Asher’s side that Sid had no idea about.

  Sid remembered how Asher confessed wanting to punish Sid for all the rejections. Was this just his final, mastermind move? Have Sid fall for him, only to crush his heart? He stuffed a bit of pillow in his mouth to stay quiet, but he wanted to scream.

  This felt so much worse than being kicked out by Crash Landing. Back then, he’d been left full of anger, but now he didn’t even have the energy to rage anymore. He felt like an empty shell, with life draining out of him by the minute. For years, he’d kept his feelings behind thick walls, never letting anyone in until Asher, the man who steadily drilled his way under Sid’s skin. Him, Sid offered the kind of trust and vulnerability that left him naked…and now the same man had dumped Sid as if they’d been casually dating and things just ‘didn’t work out’?

  At the front of the bus, the voices of Sid’s friends competed with loud music, leaving him further isolated in his cave of misery. Each sound was like a droplet of water landing on his forehead, a prolonged torture that would eventually crack his skull.

  He pulled the blanket closer to his jaw when someone moved behind the fabric wall that guarded his hideout. He’d expected whoever-it-was to rummage through their stuff and go back to the front, but instead they remained silent, a solid yet invisible presence behind the curtain.

  Sid bit on the pillow to stop the sob forming in his throat and settled on breathing through his nose instead. Never again would he give anyone the kind of trust he gave Asher. From now on, he’d live off anonymous blowjobs only, and not get entangled with people too much.

  He flinched when someone poked the curtain. Then did it again. And again.

  “You can’t knock on a fucking piece of fabric! That’s not how fabric works!” Sid spat in fury, but his voice was cracking and he couldn’t fight it anymore.

  The curtain moved away and revealed Dusk’s frowning face. “Did you two have a fight?” he asked with no frills.

  Sid rolled over on the bunk to face away from Dusk, his body going rigid. “No, I’m just sleepy. How is this any of your fucking business? Go and suck on Lolly or something!”

  “I would if you weren’t occupying the bedroom for the last five hours. Can’t really do it in front of your sister either, so there.”

  Sid rolled back to his original position and pushed him away. “It’s my fucking bed, and I will stay here until the end of time if I feel like it. I might just grow roots here and die, so get used to it!”

  “Who fucked you sideways this morning?”

  Tears prickled Sid’s eyes, so he worked hard on just keeping them in. “No one. And no one will be anytime soon. If you want to fuck Lolly across from me, I don’t care. Just go and do it. Jesus, fucking Christ!”

  Dusk exhaled, and his big, hot paw squeezed on Sid’s shoulder. “Come on, Sid, spit it out. We can’t stand you this quiet. Someone has to say it.”

  Sid opened his mouth to speak, but only a sob came out, and he quickly hid his eyes behind his arm. He didn’t mind crying in a scene, but this? This was pathetic. He was being pathetic.

  The low exhale came from way too close, and within seconds, Dusk’s substantial body pushed into the bunk next to him.

  “Come on, man, spill it. We’re all on your side. Stan can go fuck himself.”

  There was no running away from Dusk anymore. Sid’s weakened walls were crumbling, and the flood of regret they’d been holding back started slipping through the cracks. “He dumped me. He fucking dumped me,” Sid choked out. “I let him do…I mean… The shit I let him do to me, and he dumps me?” The tears wouldn’t stop anymore. He was trembling like a puppy kicked out into the cold.

  Dusk exhaled and lay along Sid, pulling him into a firm hug. It was the first time they touched this extensively, but instead of being weird, the embrace brought Sid such relief he was reduced to a sobbing mess.

  More footsteps followed, and he flinched when Lolly called out for Dawn to stop the bus. And then he too was there, sticking his head into Sid’s bunk from the front. “Is it about Stan? It is, isn’t it?”

  Sid hid his face under Dusk’s arm, but he heard Dusk whisper a confirmation to Lolly. The last thing Sid wanted was for everyone to try and coddle him, but Lolly was already petting his head.

  “I should have never gone for him,” Sid said between one sob and another. He had never shown himself to his bandmates so unguarded, but there was nowhere to turn, and he was so utterly broken he needed someone to hold him together so he didn’t fall apart.

  He wasn’t a cuddler. He didn’t particularly like people, but in this moment of agony, he was so grateful for someone being interested in his state he couldn’t even put it into words. The black hole in his chest was sucking in every good thought left in the world, but the worst thing was that as damaged as he was, his heart still screamed out for Asher to come back. Hoped that he would reconsider, chase them down and take Sid into his arms, asking for forgiveness.

  The bus changed its course and slowed down, eventually stilling to the point when not only the engine but also the music went completely silent.

  “I don’t want to make a scene, let’s just drive on,” Sid whined, but he couldn’t help himself and hugged Dusk tighter. In times like these, he loved that his friend was a mountain of muscle big enough to hide behind.

  “What happened?” Dawn’s voice was high-pitched with worry as he ran all the way from the driver’s seat and joined Mage next to the bunk.

  “Stan dumped him.”

  Dawn covered his lips with his hand and exchanged a sharp glance with Mage, who stood next to him with a tight frown.

  “What happened? You two were all lovey-dovey before we left.”

  Sid wouldn’t look at them, but there was nowhere to hide either when Lolly squeezed into the bunk, completing the hug-sandwich around Sid. “Until he threw a hissy fit about me not wanting to be out in front of fans.”

  Dusk growled and poked Sid with his fist. “Well, shit.”

  Lolly petted Sid’s hair, exhaling loudly. “Does he want to be famous, or something?”

  Mage shook his head. “Oh, come on, guys, let Sid say what happened. He doesn’t need you putting dumb ideas in his head.”

  Sid couldn’t be embarrassed by the tears anymore. It was all too exhausting. “No, he says I’m not serious about him. I’ve never been more serious about anyone. He wouldn’t let me explain, and now he blocked my number. I don’t know what to do without him.”

  The silence that followed was choking, and it twisted in Sid’s chest, forcing him into a shudder.

  For once, it was Dawn who spoke first. “Why are you here then? You should have gone after him.”

  “That’s not how it works, Dawn. He dumped me,” Sid said with a groan, but Mage gave him a stern glance.

  “I don’t know. He’s followed you for six years, I think you’d be excused if you stalked him for a change. Especially if it’s for a good cause.”

  Lolly, whose strawberry-scented face was uncomfortably close to Sid’s, twisted his lips. “Is that really what this is about? He feels like you don’t like him as much as he likes you? That is the big issue?”

  “He has no idea how much he means to me. I’m not…good at expressing shit.”

  Dusk slapped his forehead against Sid’s neck. “So your solution is to pretty much prove him right and let go? I thought this was just like a ho
t sex thing for you. Dawn’s right. You should see him.”

  Sid groaned. Sadly, there was some truth in what Dusk was saying. “I’ll just make an ass of myself. I don’t even know where he went.”

  Mage stuck his face into the damp bunk too, and his long dreadlocks trailed over Sid’s face. “You’re making an ass of yourself right now. Man up and talk to him. Otherwise, maybe he’s right and you don’t care enough.”

  Sid rubbed his face in frustration. “The fuck am I supposed to do? I don’t even have a car. Will we all drive to the airport together like it’s a rom-com?”

  Dawn’s lips parted and he clutched Mage’s arm. “Oh, Sid… Yes. Please, please let’s do that.”

  Lolly’s eyes went wide. “O-M-G, we need to do that. Sid, we can distract the security guards, and you’ll run after him, even if he’s already past the gates.”

  “Yeah!” Dusk fist-bumped his boyfriend over Sid’s head.

  Abra stepped closer, entering their little Friendship is Magic moment. “You have always been so brave, brother. Please don’t give up now.”

  Sid raised his arms in frustration, but in truth, the whole idea gave him hope when he’d thought all was lost. “Okay, okay! I’ll do it!”

  Dawn squealed like the happiest little pony, and Lolly intensified his hug.

  Chapter 16

  Asher had thought leaving Sid would be like ripping off a very sticky band-aid, as opposed to the slowly progressing gangrene of being in such an unequal relationship.

  It was not.

  It left him with a giant hole where his heart was, and despite knowing he’d made the right decision, regret still bled out of him, no matter how much ice cream he’d eaten.

  The house in Aspen was small in comparison to the property in Calabasas, cozy despite its fine furnishings, in that way only wooden beams and soft rugs could make it. No one would bother him here as long as he ignored any messages on his phone and computer. The nearest neighbors lived behind a thick patch of trees and never bothered visiting, so it would be just Asher, the buzzing fire, reruns of the Kardashians on TV, the ice cream, and Balto, the housekeeper's St Bernard.