Closer

by Mary Elizabeth

  “I took care of the rooms,” I say, packing the last of my things. “They’re going to call us when the cars are ready.”

  “Thanks,” Maby says, standing in the doorway. There’s no sign of the girl who couldn’t get out of bed when we first arrived. She’s been replaced with the headstrong version of my sister, in search of answers to her questions so she can find a way to fix everything. “Any chance you want to talk about what happened?”

  “Which part?” I ask, folding a pair of jeans before placing them inside my bag.

  “How about you start with why it looks like you and Ella we’re in a cage match.” She comes closer and sits on the edge of the bed. “She’s not saying a word to anyone.”

  Zipping my suitcase closed, I close my eyes and take a deep breath. The sound of her name sends a chill down my spine, and I don’t know how we’re supposed to make it through the rest of this trip in one piece.

  “Maybe I should get a car and head home,” I say, placing a hat over my head.

  “Or maybe you should tell me your side of the story, Teller. You don’t look any better than she does, so I know there’s more to it than what Em’s saying.” She picks at a feather sticking out from the comforter. “After Joe and Kristi, I thought you guys might have gotten it together this time.”

  “Thought wrong,” I reply.

  Yearning crushes my chest like a stack of cement bricks, blocking my lungs from expanding and pressing down on my heart as it struggles to beat. It’s heavy on my shoulders, bending bones and straining my back, tearing muscles and tendons. Truth’s burden is more weight than I can carry alone, but I don’t think it’s something I can let Ella suffer because of me anymore.

  The phone rings, shattering the quiet moment between my sister and me.

  “Mind getting that?” I say, lifting my bag from the bed to carry it toward the door.

  “The cars are ready,” my sister calls out.

  I ride the elevator down with my sister and Husher, where Catrina waits for us with three bottles of cold water, a gift basket for our long stay in their most expensive rooms, and a plastic smile on her easy-to-forget face.

  “I hope you enjoyed your stay,” she says robotically. “We look forward to seeing you in the future.”

  The thought makes me want to throw up.

  Lacking energy to spare to return her enthusiasm, we walk by, offering nothing more than slight nods and exhausted expressions.

  “Ride with us,” Maby says, squeezing my hand when we approach the vehicles. Ella’s G-Wagen is parked in front of Maby’s Cadillac Coupe. Both engines are running, ready to take us out of town.

  I’m tipping the concierge with a cigarette between my lips when Emerson, Nicolette, and Ella arrive. My heart drops into my stomach at the sight of her, mostly hidden under an oversized hoodie, hugging a blanket to her chest. The marks on her throat are concealed under the thick cotton, but the circles under her makeup-free eyes and sight of her pale lips kill. Deluded doesn’t look at me, slipping right into the back seat of her car, and I want nothing more than to save her from this pain.

  “Come on, Tell. We’re going to the next stop together, and we’ll figure out the rest when we get there.” Husher clasps his hand on my arm, offering me the front seat.

  I climb into the back.

  The four-hour drive to the Grand Canyon is torturous, and listening to Maby go on and on about how unfair Emerson and Nicolette are only makes it harder to endure. Husher’s mastered lowering her voice to a hum, nodding at the right time and smiling when he needs to, but it’s talent I’ve yet to learn despite growing up with the chatterbox.

  “They wanted to take her home, like she’s a twelve year old,” she says, looking back from the passenger seat to gauge my reaction. “There has to be a point when we back off and let the two of you figure this out, right?”

  “Right, honey,” Husher says, mechanically agreeing with everything she says.

  Miles and miles of dry shrubs, dirt, and rock-strewn mountains roll past us as we race forward. I watch them pass, finding it hard not to crawl out of my own skin and take my chances with the sun and snakes as I sit here instead of with my girl.

  “You and Ella have always had your own ways of doing things, and something like that’s going to take time to correct,” she says, sitting straight in her seat. “It could be worse. At least you’re successful and mostly have your lives together. Lord knows it wasn’t easy for either one of you to get where you are today. How long do you have until your residency is over, Tell?”

  “A little over a year,” I mumble, hoping she doesn’t do the math. Cutting my residency short isn’t a conversation I want to have.

  Not that the current topic is awakening.

  “You may not have done things Dad’s way, but you should be proud of your accomplishments. Husher and I are proud of you, right, Hush?”

  “Yeah, real proud,” he replies with a little more emotion in his tone.

  “What I’m trying to say is, if you want to be with Gabriella, then I support you. Oh, this is where we need to get off!” She points to the exit, and Husher crosses two lanes to make it in time. The G-Wagen follows closely behind. “And toning down the rough sex until everyone’s on board might not be a bad idea. Are those teeth marks on your neck?”

  “I’d let you bite me, babe,” Husher says, reaching over to squeeze Maby’s knee.

  I close my eyes and groan.

  “We have a couple of hours before we can check-in at the hotel. Should we head straight to the canyon? We can grab something to eat or hike a trail,” Maby ponders, typing in the GPS on the dash of the car.

  “Or jump off the edge,” I say, dropping my head back.

  She scoffs. “Don’t say that, Teller.”

  The navigation system directs Husher to the entrance of the Grand Canyon National Park, where we idle in a short line to pay the thirty-dollar permit fee to park the car. Desert tapered off to lush trees and greenery along the way, and I feel a million miles away from the lights in Las Vegas. But my problems followed me here.

  Literally.

  After the ranger gives us a map of the park, she directs us down the road. “You’ll run right into a parking lot where you can leave the car. Welcome to the Grand Canyon, where it’ll make your hole vacation.”

  “That was cute.” Maby rolls down the window to let in the Arizonian air. “I like this place already.”

  Neither car has come to a complete stop once we reach the parking lot and visitor center when Ella opens her door and jumps out, running toward the edge of the Grand Canyon. We watch her in disbelief as she brushes past other visitors, like she can’t get away from us fast enough.

  “Where the hell is she going?” Maby asks.

  “Probably to jump. That’s how I feel after long trips with Nicolette, too.” Husher shrugs.

  “Let me out,” I say, tapping the side of Maby’s headrest. My heartbeat surges, propelling a dose of anxiety through my veins as my chest swells with heavy pressure. She can’t get out of the two-door car fast enough, and I’m not above kicking a hole through the fucking side.

  Once my feet hit pavement, I bolt after the one who always gets away, determined to fix my sorry behavior. Tourists and employees watch us curiously, not daring to come nearer as crazy chases crazier to the edge of the world.

  If she goes over, I’m going with her.

  She reaches the brink of the canyon and stops, kicking up dust and lowering her hood to let the sun warm her pale face. The enormity of the crevice swallows Ella whole, framing her in quartz and clay, highlighted by shades of oranges, reds, and browns I’ve never envisioned. It’s incredible, and she’s more beautiful than all of it.

  “Are you here to tell me how to live my life, too?” she says without turning to face me. “Because if you are, I’ve been given enough unwanted advice in the last twenty-four hours to last a lifetime. Save your breath.”

  I come to a standstill with five feet between us, not above
lighting a cigarette at the Grand Canyon to stop the nerves wreaking havoc on my insides. I’ll set this whole motherfucker on fire.

  “Or did you follow me to say it’s over again? Because I’ve heard it before, so don’t bother reciting the whole speech twice.” Ella looks over her shoulder, wiping tears on her sleeve. “I don’t even know why I’m here. I wanted to go home.”

  “I’m sorry, baby.” My insides collapse at the look of suffering in her brown eyes.

  She brushes a lock of hair behind her ear, pressing her chapped lips together. “For what?”

  Taking a step forward, I pocket my hands to keep them from her. “For it all.”

  Golden sunlight tints soft cheeks pink and glistens from the tears clumping misery’s long eyelashes. The tip of her straight nose is red from crying, and the marks across her throat match my own. The bond that links us together swells, stretched out and fucked up, but used to the wear and tear.

  “Why am I unlovable?” Ella looks down at her shoes, unlaced and dusty. “What did I do to deserve being left repeatedly?”

  Tears fall from her eyes, and I reach out and catch one in the palm of my hand. It runs along my heart line, coating the deep stripe in sadness from the only person I’ve let this close.

  “I’m right here,” I say, swiping more sadness from the roundness of her cheekbone.

  She shakes her head, and my whole world shudders with it. We’ve been here before, and I know what words are going to leave her lips next.

  “We can’t,” Ella whispers.

  With my heart in my throat, I reach for her and say, “We have to.”

  Pressing my mouth to hers before she can say another word, everything around us dissolves to stardust, and nobody exists beyond this. Our hearts beat the same, too swift and pounding, driving fever-laced blood through veins and arteries. We’re dizzy and frantic, forgetting to breathe, because who needs air when we have lips and tongues and small cries that send chills up our arms?

  Ella reaches on the tips of her toes, and I bend at the knees so she can wrap her arms around the back of my neck. Her bottom lip fits perfectly between mine, warm and supple, as if it were made for only me. My heart, my lungs, my soul feel like they’re going to burst at the taste of her mouth, sweet like strawberry candy with a hint of spearmint.

  We needed this.

  I needed this.

  Holding Ella’s face between my hands, I tilt her head back and make it deeper, because I never want to stop kissing her. I never want another day to pass where I’m not kissing her. I don’t want to kiss anyone but Gabriella Mason for the rest of my life. A heated sensation seven years in the making floods my chest cavity, balloons through my torso, and warms my skin. It’s destiny, hardening around my bones, and destiny whispering, you’re fucked now.

  Pressing wet lips to the corner of her mouth, to her chin, to her forehead, I whisper, “Ella, open your eyes, baby.”

  “Don’t make me,” she replies.

  Resting my forehead against her, I say, “Trust me.”

  She opens them slowly, blinking tears from her lashes, hesitant to show me the need radiating from my favorite brown irises. Dotted with copper and gold in the sunlight, they’re glossy with emotion that won’t stop, triggering it from myself.

  How am I supposed to say anything if I can’t man the fuck up and do this?

  “I’ve been lying to you,” I say with a smirk on my lips.

  Panic crosses her face, but she doesn’t look away; she holds tighter.

  “I’ve known exactly how I felt about you since the day we met.” I let out a small laugh thinking back to that day. “And I’ve allowed this back and forth shit to go on, when I knew what I wanted all along.”

  “I don’t understand, Teller.”

  This is it—now or never.

  “I want you so fucking much it hurts, baby. It causes me physical pain to think about a life without you. It’s always been this way, but after you met Joe—”

  She cries, looking away from me, “I’m as guilty as you are.”

  “No, you’re not. I pushed you into that relationship with him. I knew how I felt about you, and instead of making it work, I ignored what my heart was telling me and drove us insane. Things could have been so different, but I was scared. I’m still scared.”

  “What are you so afraid of?”

  “That I’m a fuck up. I’m afraid that you’ll wake up one day and realize that I’ve ruined your whole life. I don’t want you to feel like you’ve wasted this much time on someone who’ll never make you as happy as he did.” My voice shakes. Ella doesn’t know the truth, but that doesn’t change the facts: he was good for her, and I’m wrecked.

  She smiles, brushing my hair away from my forehead. “Not possible.”

  “You saved me from myself, Ella, and I took advantage of you. I used you.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I wanted you around because you made me happy, and you made me feel important, and all I gave you in return was stress. I made your life hell to keep you in mine and made sure that I could be around you whenever I needed.”

  I fucking hate myself for letting our friendship get so screwed.

  Ella shakes her head and exhales. “Why don’t you understand that you make me happy, and you make me feel important, too? The shit we stirred, Teller, we did that together. I don’t regret Joe and Kristi, but do you ever think that maybe I didn’t really give you a chance to love me?”

  “No.”

  “My life was as fucked up as yours. I just did a better job at hiding it. I’m messed up, Tell. I’m damaged.”

  Now

  “Get the fuck out.” I open the G-Wagen’s driver’s side door and stand to the side. Ella waits behind me, holding on to my hand, pressing her face to my arm.

  Emerson looks from his sister to me with wary eyes and says, “So, you’re going to do this, sissy? This is going to happen?”

  My grip on the door tightens, and I exhale slowly through my nose and talk myself out of grabbing this motherfucker by the throat and pulling him out of the car. He’s worried about his sister, and I’m not mad at him, but if he doesn’t remove himself from behind the wheel in three fucking seconds…

  “Get out, Em,” Nicolette says. She unbuckles her seatbelt and lifts her purse from the floorboard. “We’re not doing this at the Grand Canyon, for fuck’s sake.”

  Ella crawls over the center console, and I climb in behind her, slamming the door in her brother’s face and starting the engine. Reversing out of the parking spot, I roll down the window, looking past Emerson as if he’s invisible.

  “We’re at the hotel we passed on the way in, right?” I ask my sister. She nods, and I drive away, putting space between them and us.

  Massive trees lining the pavement throw shadows across her face as we cruise by, only allowing sporadic breaks of sunshine through their thin branches, enhancing the craving alive in her eyes. I rest my palm on the back of her neck, looking away from the empty road to watch her watching me. Ella turns her head and kisses the inside of my wrist, sending a rush of warmth through my arm.

  I lick my lips, scarcely keeping an eye on the traffic ahead when she releases her seatbelt and comes out of her sweater. Static electricity from the worn cotton sizzles and snaps, standing her wavy strands of hair on end. She shakes her head, laughing as unruly tresses sweep across her exposed shoulders, releasing the scent of vanilla shampoo into the cab. Ella moves onto my lap, lying across my thighs with her feet in the passenger seat. Wind outside the open window captures her waves, and she laughs, placing her right arm around my neck.

  “Drive faster,” she says, pressing her lips where my jaw meets my throat.

  With my left hand on the steering wheel, I slip my other under the waist of her leggings, low, low, lower to the warmest spot between her legs. Ella curves her back and parts her knees, rocking her center against my fingers. A web of blueish veins is visible under her closed eyelids, and she has a freckle in the arc
h of her brow, totally exposed for me to see everything.

  “We’re here,” I say, dipping two fingers inside of her just to hear her gasp.

  We check-in to the hotel in a fog of small touches and shy looks, unable to make eye contact with anyone other than each other. She holds on to the fingers that were just inside of her, and I brush my thumb across lips I can’t believe I waited this long to kiss.

  “Your keys, Dr. Reddy. Enjoy your stay.” The clerk passes our keycards, and I take them, whispering a soft thank you.

  Ella and I stand on opposite sides of the elevator going up, luggage-less, wordless, breathless, facing each other the entire way. Everything we said and left unsaid is stacked between us, years of half-truths and half-commitments coming down to this.

  We finally make it to our room, and my hand shakes, giving irresistible a good laugh when I can’t get the card in.

  “Shut up.” I chuckle, swallowing my heartbeat.

  She bites her bottom lip, pressing her forehead against my arm, sighing, “You’re killing me. You’re killing me.”

  The suite overlooking the Grand Canyon is ours for the next two days, but I don’t give a fuck about the amenities or the out-of-this-world view. I slip the Do Not Disturb sign on the door handle and shut it, securing the deadbolt and chain.

  “Last chance to change your mind.” I linger at the door in case she does. “Do it now if you’re going to, because if I take one more step in this room, you’re stuck with me.”

  Ella ignores my warning, lifting her tank top over her head and dropping it to the floor. “Take me to bed, Teller.”

  I come up from behind her. Holding her back against my chest, I slip my hand into her bra. Ella and I are completely wrong for each other, but we’re too far in to ever back out now. We’ll kill each other trying to make this work.

  She’s officially mine, but I’ve always, in all ways, belonged to her.

  There’s nothing fast about this. There’s no pulling, or scratching, or biting, or crying. We’re hasty breaths and easy touches. We’re trying to find the room, but unwilling to stop to do so. We’re making up for lost time, and trying to stop it altogether.