by Blue, Kaye
“She tried to leave him. I don’t know how many times. But he would always find us, bring her back, be nice, then beat the shit out of her and start the cycle all over again.
“One day, she took me to the mall, and we had a great day.
“We got new outfits, got our nails done. It was the best day of my life for long, long time. We got home about fifteen minutes late, and when I looked at him, saw his face, she pushed me toward my room and told me not to come out.
“I did what she said, and I still hate myself for that. Because I knew what was coming.”
“What were you going to do? You were a child.”
“That was the thing that kept me in the room. Because I couldn’t help her. In the end, if I’d tried, he would have only hurt her worse. I remember one time I asked her why she stayed, and she looked at me, sadness in her eyes. I didn’t understand for a long time, but over the years I grew to. I know he had told her he would kill me if she tried leave again. And he would have. He would have hurt anyone to have his way.”
I knew the type and hated that Erin had been exposed to that kind of man.
“Anyway,” she said, exhaling. “That day, I listened, listened as he beat her for so long that I dozed off…”
She shivered and shook her head.
“How could I have fallen asleep listening to her screams? I don’t know, and I’ve never understood how I could do that.”
“Trauma. You can only stand up for so long. You reached your limit and went to sleep. Your mind’s way of protecting you,” I said.
“You sound sure.”
“I am.”
I didn’t expand on how I had come across this knowledge, but I’d seen it before. Knew that people reacted to stress in many ways.
“When I woke up, she wasn’t screaming, and I took that as a good sign. I finally dared to open the door, wanting to find her, to make sure she was okay. Usually, after he beat her, he left, and I would tend her. I expected to do the same that day.”
“But you couldn’t?”
She shook her head.
“I went out to the living room and saw him sitting on the couch. My sister was on the floor, and I don’t know how I knew, but I knew.”
Her lids slammed shut, and I could see her trying to steady herself.
After a moment, she opened her eyes, though she was still staring off in the distance.
“What did you do her?” I remember asking him, and he just shrugged.
“I told her not to be late. What was I supposed to do?”
“My rage was overwhelming, but I was powerless. I checked my sister, even though I knew she was dead.”
Her expression was twisted, her pain and anger clear.
“He was sitting on the couch like it was nothing. Like she was nothing. He was even eating cake. My sixteenth birthday cake.”
I went to her, put a hand on her shoulder, but didn’t pull her into a hug.
“He got two years. I went to foster care, and my sister was cremated.”
She took a deep breath and then looked at me.
“And all because I couldn’t help her. And know I was a kid,” she said, cutting me off before I could speak, “but I’m not a kid now. And I can help these women the way I’d never been able help my sister. Show her that she didn’t lose her life in vain.”
I hugged her this time.
I understood why she did what he did, but that didn’t make it any less dangerous.
When I pulled back and looked at her, she was watching me, waiting for a reaction.
I had so many thoughts in my head, but chief among them was that I was glad she was okay.
I was angry at all she had suffered.
Angry at the danger she’d put herself in.
“I understand, but your sister wouldn’t want you to die.”
“I try to be smart, Sasha. Safe.”
“Safe? You call coming to me safe?”
“It worked out,” she said, giving me a smile that soon dropped.
“Pure luck. You had no idea what you were walking into.”
“I didn’t, but I’m so glad she—”
At first, I didn’t think anything of it, but then I looked at her, instinct raising the hairs on the back of my neck.
It was a feeling I never ignored.
“Glad she what?”
I stared at her, something I had done often, something I didn’t think I would ever tire of.
But I felt like I was seeing her for the first time, saw something I wanted to deny, something instinct wouldn’t allow me to.
“She what, Erin?” I asked, not wanting to hear the answer, knowing I had to.
“It’s not like that, Sasha,” she said quietly, proof that she knew how serious this was.
“So tell me what it’s like, Erin,” I said, my voice calm though I was feeling anything but.
I was angry enough to feel numb, and as I stared at her, the impossibility and undeniability of the truth hit me.
“Natalia sent you to me, didn’t she?”
“I told you, it wasn’t like that.”
She answered immediately, which only served as confirmation.
“So tell me what it was like,” I responded, somehow managing to maintain my calm, though I suspected as Erin started to talk, I would lose that grip.
“She told me about her husband. How horrible he was. How no one could stop it. She hadn’t even bothered to go to the police,” she said.
“It wouldn’t have done her any good. Just like it didn’t do you any.”
“Yeah,” she said, nodding, some hope for understanding growing in her eyes.
“And?” I said, the roughness of my voice breaking the spell.
“She said the only way I might be able to keep those idiots from sniffing around the store—and maybe eventually finding her and her daughter—would be if someone powerful, someone people like her husband was afraid of, was involved.”
“Someone like me?” I said, hating the words, knowing they were true.
She nodded, her face stony but her lips soft, almost like they wanted to tremble.
I hated that, hated seeing her upset even when I knew the cause.
But I wouldn’t allow myself to be played.
I had already been far too blind when it came to Erin.
“I’m impressed,” I said.
“What?”
“Your approach was very good. Brutal, vicious men have tried to intimidate me. Beautiful women, far more beautiful than you, have tried to entice me. None of them made it past the front door.”
I stared at her, then looked away, the energy, the recklessness that was racing through my veins making it impossible for me to stand still.
As it was, I should throw her out, but once I started, I couldn’t stop the words flowing out.
“But you…your smart eyes, innocent eyes, or so I thought. They were my weakness. As was my curiosity.”
I glared at her then looked away again, paced more, the rage needing some way to come out.
“Was throwing in a little pussy her idea or yours?”
“It was your idea, Sasha,” she whispered.
“You’re right, it was. That whole little show you put on, thinking about it, turning me down. That was just to make sure you had me right under your thumb.”
“No—”
“No what? You found me wildly attractive, irresistible,” I said.
“Yes.”
“Most of all, useful,” I said.
“Yes,” she repeated, her voice quiet this time.
She reached out to touch me, and my glare froze her in her tracks.
I never wanted her to hurt, even now, I didn’t want that. But if she touched me, I didn’t know what would happen, so I was grateful when she dropped her hand and seemed to shrink into herself.
She took a deep breath, the expression on her face one that I recognized, one that told me she was trying to center herself.
I looked at her with new eyes now, wondering how I ha
d missed so much before.
How I had mistaken a woman so obviously cunning for something else.
“It’s true I did not come to you with complete honesty, and I am sorry if I hurt you. I never intended for any of this,” she said, her voice trembling.
“What is this?”
“Us! Things got so out of hand.” She closed her eyes and then opened them and met mine, her gaze unwavering. “I never meant to fall in love with you.”
She loved me.
I might have been stupid, and in fact, I knew it definitely was, but I believed her.
Just two hours ago, I wouldn’t have allowed myself to think I might one day earn her love.
Knew I wasn’t worthy of it.
But now, her words were like ash, only reminding me of all I would miss with her, all I would never have.
Reminding me that the joy I had felt, the utter happiness, was a lie.
“You could say that to me, even after all this?”
“It’s true,” she whispered.
I tilted my head, another thought popping into my mind.
“Did that junkie really try to rob you, or did you do that to yourself, to trick me and then beg for his life?”
“Of course not! I would never…” she said.
“Never what? Lie to get your way?”
“Sasha, I—”
I stared at her, lips tight with rage.
“Do you have any idea what I would have done for you!” I bellowed, my voice shaky.
“I have some idea,” she whispered, her voice sounding broken, the tone both satisfying me and shattering the last pieces of my heart.
“Get the fuck out of my sight,” I said through gritted teeth.
I was letting her get away with a crime that should have meant instant death, but even as angry as I was, I couldn’t bring myself to hurt her.
She looked at me, her lips pursed, like she wanted to say something else. She crossed the room and reached for the doorknob, pausing only long enough to speak.
“I’m sorry, Sasha. I love you.”
Fourteen
Erin
I knew his guards could see the tears streaming down my face, but I didn’t care.
“I will take you home, miss,” one of his men said.
“Thank you, but I don’t think he’d like that,” I responded, shocked that I could speak.
“I think he would,” the man said.
I thought about arguing, but I was too exhausted to do so. And besides, it was a miracle I was holding together the little bit that I was. It wouldn’t be good for me to walk home alone.
I nodded, and he took me down the elevator and ushered me into the back seat of an SUV. He closed the door, and I couldn’t help but remember the times I had been here before, how the large vehicle felt so much smaller with Sasha inside.
The tears that had never really stopped intensified, and I wondered how I had ended up like this.
I’d done the right thing.
I knew that.
Or at least I hoped I had.
“Thank you,” I said when the SUV came to a stop.
The guard looked at me through the rearview, holding my gaze for longer than he ever had before, and then nodded.
I got out of the vehicle, went to my apartment, and looked out the window.
The SUV was still there. It stayed for a second longer and then finally pulled off.
So this was it.
A fresh round of tears started.
Seeing a car leave shouldn’t have sent me to tears, but it meant so much more than that.
Because it wasn’t just a car leaving.
It was Sasha leaving, and I knew he wouldn’t be back.
I closed my eyes, as if that would do something to change reality.
It didn’t.
I hadn’t been looking for this, hadn’t expected it, but I’d fallen in love with him. I needed him in a way I told myself I would never need anyone or anything.
And now he was gone.
Whatever my intentions, I knew there was no way Sasha would forgive me.
And somehow, I’d have to accept that and try to pick up the pieces.
The tears flowed more freely now.
It was the kind of crying I hadn’t done since my sister died. I cried so deeply that I wasn’t paying attention, so deeply that it took me far too long to realize my front door had swung open.
I turned around, the split second of hope that it was Sasha dashed instantly.
The man who walked in wasn’t Sasha, and in that moment, I knew my broken heart was the least of my worries.
Denis looked around the room and then finally settled on me with ice-cold eyes.
“You have something that belongs to me.”
Fifteen
Sasha
I wanted to burn my fucking apartment to the ground.
She’d spent so little time here, but every inch of it was marked by her.
I couldn’t stay.
I couldn’t live where she had been, where I could so easily imagine her being again, and keep my sanity.
Because if I stayed here, I might do something stupid like forgive her.
I couldn’t do that.
Pride, honor, and practicality wouldn’t allow it.
There was a knock at the door, and after my words, it swung open and Etienne walked in.
He was expressionless as usual, but it was after three in the morning, and he had paid me a personal visit.
It wasn’t good news.
“What’s happened?” I asked.
“Why don’t you tell me, Sasha?”
He sauntered over to the couch and sat down, not giving anything away, not that I expected him to.
I respected him too much to bullshit him, and I still had enough pride to own up to my fuckups, so I told him.
“I met somebody.”
That got a rare reaction out of him.
He frowned.
“I guess I could spare you the lecture, but I’ve always told you these types of entanglements never end well. But don’t you tell me how your meeting someone is going to fuck with my business.”
“Because she used me to protect her from Denis Fedorov.”
The shame at having been so stupid burned at my neck, and Etienne didn’t make it better.
“She used you, or you allowed yourself to be used?”
That question irritated the fuck out of me, as he had known it would.
But I didn’t respond, wouldn’t let his provocation goad me into being dumber than I already had been.
“However you want to phrase it,” I said noncommittally.
“And now this has been brought to my door,” he said, as close to demonstrably pissed as I’d seen him.
“How?”
“Denis has talked to people back in the home country. They say the terms of the truce have been violated,” he said.
“Fuck,” I said.
“Indeed,” Etienne replied.
Three years ago, there had been a power struggle, a bloody one, that had only ended after Etienne had engineered a needed but extremely fragile peace.
It had taken more deaths than I cared to think about to reach that truce, and in the interim, things had been tense but peaceful.
That wasn’t the case anymore.
“Yes, you and your Erin have really upset the apple cart, Sasha.”
“You know her name?”
That shouldn’t have surprised me, because Etienne was nothing if not thorough and wouldn’t have come to me unless he knew all the pertinent information.
But still… It hit me then that something was off, and the feeling left me uneasy.
“I didn’t before tonight, but after I received this, I thought it best to find out,” he said.
He pulled out his mobile phone and turned the screen toward me.
I wanted to revolt against what I saw, but I couldn’t.
I took the phone, pulled it closer to my face, then closer still.
“When did you get this?” I asked, my voice calm, though I knew it didn’t fool Etienne.
“An hour and a half ago.”
“And you waited to tell me?”
It was a struggle to keep my anger in check.
“Yes, because I needed to know what’s going on. And you’re too busy thinking with your cock to be useful.”
“She’d better not be hurt, or…”
I didn’t continue the sentence, didn’t want to think about it, but I knew if something happened to Erin, there would be no end to my vengeance.
“You said she played you,” Etienne said.
“She did.”
“But you want to try to help her anyway.” His disgust was barely disguised.
“I’m not going to try to do anything. I’m going to see to it that she’s unharmed.”
“Even after what she did?” he asked.
It was a challenge and a subtle reminder of the loyalty I owed to the Brotherhood and the men who were a part of it. A reminder of how we viewed betrayal.
I would have gladly given my life for the Brotherhood.
But nothing would happen to Erin, not while I still drew breath.
“Yeah,” I said.
He shook his head, looking more like a put-upon parent than the ruthless killer I knew him to be.
“I thought you’d say that,” he finally said.
“Meaning?”
“Meaning, you obviously care about this woman, and as much as that annoys me, an attack against her is attack against you. And an attack against you is an attack against me and the Brotherhood. That can’t stand, truce or not,” he said.
Etienne looked completely unruffled, his tailored suit still perfect, but the look in his eye was what mattered.
He had his trappings, but anyone who ever mistook him for anything other than exactly what he was had to be a fool and would pay for the mistake.
“Thanks,” I said.
I hadn’t intended to ask for his or anyone else’s help, but I would take the unspoken offer.
I’d made this mess—or had allowed Erin to—and by rights, I should have been the one to clean it up.
But all that didn’t matter, at least not now.
What mattered was her being okay, and I would do whatever it took to see that she was.
“What do you want to do?” he asked, allowing me to take the lead, a gesture I appreciated but one I wouldn’t acknowledge now.