The Day My Butt Went Psycho

by Andy Griffiths

  Eleanor glared at Zack.

  ‘All right,’ she said. ‘You win!’

  She turned to the Kisser.

  ‘You’re going to have to swing,’ said Eleanor. ‘Get a big enough swing going and then jump to the rock ledge on your right.’

  ‘I can’t swing,’ said the Kisser. ‘There’s too many of them.’

  As he spoke one of the maggots coiled itself, boa-constrictor-style, around his waist.

  ‘You’d better start swinging while you still can,’ said Eleanor.

  ‘I can’t!’ yelled the Kisser. ‘I can’t do it.’

  ‘You’ve got to try,’ yelled Zack, but his voice was drowned out by a large splash.

  It was too late.

  The jungle vine dangled in midair.

  The Kisser was gone.

  There was a brief flurry of activity on the surface of the lake, and then the maggots were gone too.

  ‘What a terrible way to die,’ said Zack.

  ‘He’s only got himself to blame,’ said Eleanor. ‘If he hadn’t been double-crossing the B-team all these years the lake wouldn’t have been here to fall into.’

  ‘I wouldn’t be so sure about that,’ said a voice behind them.

  The voice chilled Zack to the core.

  It was a voice he knew only too well.

  It was his bum.

  Zack turned to face it.

  It was standing with its chubby little arms by its sides, as if ready to draw in a gunfight.

  ‘We need to talk,’ said Zack.

  ‘About what?’ said his bum.

  Zack shrugged. ‘About you. Me. All this!’ he said.

  ‘How did you know I was here?’ it said.

  ‘I followed you to the midnight bum rally,’ said Zack. ‘I found out everything.’

  Zack’s bum looked at Eleanor.

  ‘Are you his girlfriend?’ it said.

  ‘No!’ said Eleanor, a look of disgust on her face.

  ‘That’s too bad,’ said Zack’s bum. ‘You’re cute.’

  ‘Pity the same can’t be said of you!’ she said.

  ‘Hmmm,’ said Zack’s bum. ‘Fiery temper. I like that in a girl.’

  ‘Okay, you asked for it!’ said Eleanor, advancing on the bum, her arms outstretched. ‘I’m going to rip you in half.’

  Zack’s bum’s only reply was to laugh, spread its cheeks and take aim at Eleanor.

  Zack watched, terrified, as Eleanor placed her hands together in front of her chest, just like he’d seen the Smacker do.

  ‘Praying won’t help you,’ said his bum.

  ‘You’re the one who should be praying,’ said Eleanor, unleashing the full force of a double-handed atomic power smack on both cheeks of Zack’s surprised bum.

  It reeled backwards, Eleanor’s handprints clearly visible on its white flesh.

  Zack’s bum raised its hand to its cheeks, and gently touched the places where Eleanor had hit it.

  ‘That was a big mistake,’ it said.

  It turned around, placed its face against the floor and launched itself towards Eleanor, aiming straight at her head.

  Eleanor threw herself backwards and gave it a midair donkey kick. Zack’s bum flew off behind her and landed hard on the rocky ground of the bumcano.

  Zack’s bum picked itself up, looking dazed. It now had a red mark in the shape of Eleanor’s foot in addition to the handprints.

  ‘That was your second big mistake,’ it said.

  Zack’s bum curled itself up and came rolling at Eleanor like a bowling ball. Eleanor had nowhere to go.

  She dropped to her stomach, placed her head level with the bum, and puckered up.

  WHAM!

  Zack’s bum hit Eleanor’s face full on, but she managed to kiss it and the bum immediately fell backwards. Zack’s stunned bum picked itself up and started to stagger towards her on drunken legs. But just as Eleanor was preparing to deliver the knockout kiss, Zack stepped in between them.

  ‘No!’ yelled Zack.

  ‘Get out of my way,’ growled Eleanor.

  ‘No,’ said Zack. ‘Violence isn’t going to solve anything. We have to talk.’

  ‘What a good idea,’ said Zack’s bum, cowering behind him.

  But Eleanor was in no mood for talk.

  She grabbed Zack’s shoulders, threw him to the ground and advanced on his bum.

  But Zack was fast. He lunged forward, grabbed Eleanor around the legs and pulled her down.

  She fell hard, slamming her head against the ground.

  Zack got ready for her to get up and come at him again but she didn’t. She lay very still. Unconscious.

  Zack gulped. He hadn’t meant for that to happen.

  ‘Thanks,’ said his bum producing a roll of toilet paper and starting to twist it into long strands. ‘She was out of control. She could have hurt someone.’

  ‘You’re the one who’s out of control,’ said Zack. ‘When are you going to stop all this nonsense and come home?’

  ‘I’m not coming home,’ said Zack’s bum as it hopped onto Eleanor’s stomach.

  ‘Leave her alone,’ said Zack, stepping towards his bum.

  ‘Keep back or I’ll do something that will make your eyes water,’ said his bum, tying her wrists together with the toilet paper. ‘I don’t mean to be ungrateful but I can’t allow you, or her, to endanger the success of our mission.’

  Zack stopped. He had to be careful. His bum was dangerous. He’d didn’t want to end up like his grandmother’s cat.

  ‘Do you have any idea who she is?’ said Zack.

  ‘Yes, of course I do,’ said Zack’s bum, putting a toilet-paper gag on Eleanor. ‘She’s the Bum Hunter’s daughter. My leader is going to be very pleased.’

  ‘But I thought you were the leader,’ said Zack. ‘That’s how it looked at the rally.’

  ‘I just do the recruiting,’ said Zack’s bum. ‘I don’t run the show.’

  ‘Who does?’ said Zack. ‘The Great White Bum?’

  Zack’s bum looked surprised. ‘Very good, Zack,’ it said. ‘You’re smarter than I thought.’

  So Eleanor had been right all along, thought Zack. His bum was just a stooge. The Great White Bum was the mastermind.

  ‘Don’t you think this has gone far enough?’ said Zack.

  ‘All we are asking for is a fair deal,’ said his bum. ‘The heads have been on top for long enough. Now it’s our turn.’

  ‘And you’re prepared to destroy the world to get it?’

  ‘Not destroy the world,’ said Zack’s bum, looking shocked. ‘Just rearrange it a little, that’s all. We’re not going to hurt anyone.’

  ‘A lot of people have been hurt already,’ said Zack.

  His bum stopped tying up Eleanor.

  ‘I’m really sorry to hear that,’ it said. ‘But the evolution of bums is an unstoppable force. Those who try to stand in its way will be crushed.’

  Zack had heard enough. There was no point trying to reason with his bum. It had been hopelessly brainwashed. He was going to have to take his bum by surprise. He made sure his nose-pegs were securely fastened and was about to charge at his bum when he heard loud popping sounds coming from the lake. He turned and saw a series of enormous dome-like bubbles bursting on the lake’s surface.

  Zack didn’t know what had caused them, but it was obviously something big.

  And very smelly.

  And even worse, it was rising fast.

  Zack watched in stunned horror as it broke the surface.

  A giant bum.

  An enormous bum.

  A bum bigger and more enormous than any bum Zack had ever seen.

  As it emerged into the chamber it looked like it was streaked with brown treacle, but underneath Zack could see that its skin was white. A brilliant white. A white so bright that Zack had to shield his eyes.

  There was no mistaking it.

  It was the Great White Bum.

  CHAPTER NINE

  THE GREAT WHITE BUM


  The Great White Bum rose up to its full height, about half as high as the roof of the chamber.

  Its presence had a dramatic effect on Zack’s bum. It stopped staggering and straightened itself up.

  ‘Master,’ it called, ‘I have brought you an offering. An offering that will make you very happy!’

  The Great White Bum waded regally to the edge of the lake, the maggots giving it a wide berth. Zack wondered why until the Great White Bum stepped out. Its withering stink was so bad that the maggots couldn’t have got near it even if they’d wanted to.

  Zack had never seen so much bum flesh packed into the one bum before. He was amazed its stumpy little legs could support it.

  ‘Behold,’ said Zack’s bum, bowing low. ‘The Bum Hunter’s daughter!’

  Zack backed away as he watched the Great White Bum walk across to Eleanor and prod her with one of its fat little feet.

  Eleanor, who had regained consciousness, looked up. Her eyes were flashing with hate as she strained against the super-strength toilet paper wrapped around her wrists and ankles.

  The Great White Bum put its hands on its hips, tilted itself backwards and began to laugh. A deep thunderous booming laugh that filled the chamber and seemed to intensify the stench.

  ‘So, you are the Bum Hunter’s daughter,’ said the Great White Bum. ‘The daughter of the man who has foiled every revolution I have ever tried to stage. Hunted and killed untold thousands of my family and friends. Pursued me around the world for the last twenty years with hardly a pause for breath!’

  Eleanor shook her head from side to side, trying to rid herself of the toilet paper gag.

  ‘It is a very great pleasure to meet you,’ said the Great White Bum, ‘and it’s going to give me even greater pleasure to squash you to death.’

  ‘No,’ said Zack, stepping in between Eleanor and the Great White Bum. ‘I won’t let you!’

  ‘And who are you?’ it said.

  ‘My ex-owner,’ said Zack’s bum.

  ‘Throw him into the lake,’ said the Great White Bum.

  ‘But, master,’ said Zack’s bum, ‘what about me? How can I take my rightful place on top of his neck if he’s dead?’

  The Great White Bum laughed, his flesh wobbling like jelly.

  ‘You don’t need him,’ it said. ‘You never have . . . and you never will.’

  ‘But how can I be rearranged if I don’t have a body?’ said Zack’s bum.

  ‘You don’t need a body,’ said the Great White Bum. ‘You are already perfect. You are a bum, are you not?’

  Zack’s bum looked confused. ‘I thought the plan was to knock out all the humans and rearrange them.’

  The Great White Bum laughed. ‘I just said that to get bums to join the revolution,’ it said. ‘I knew that in spite of the way they’ve been treated, that bums would still be a little attached to their owners. But I also know that once they are here they will see it my way. The real purpose of the bumcano is to kill all humans. To completely clear the stage to make room for the last and greatest life-form on Earth!’

  Zack’s bum looked at Zack, looked up at the Great White Bum, and then back at Zack.

  ‘Well,’ said the Great White Bum, ‘what are you waiting for? Throw him into the lake!’

  ‘No,’ said Zack’s bum, clearly shaking. ‘I won’t do it.’

  Zack’s heart was pounding. He wondered if he’d heard right. His bum had stood up for him. It had defied the Great White Bum. There was hope after all!

  The Great White Bum turned black with rage and a terrible sulphuric stink filled the chamber. ‘You refuse to obey a direct command?’ it said, reaching down and grabbing Zack’s bum by the leg. ‘Then you die as well!’

  The Great White Bum swung Zack’s bum around its head and then pitched it into the middle of the lake.

  The stunned bum floated on the surface for a moment and then slowly started sinking. And as if that wasn’t bad enough, Zack watched, horrified, as the maggots started swimming towards it.

  He couldn’t just leave it there.

  He had to save it.

  But that would mean diving into the lake.

  He couldn’t do it.

  Never. Not in a million years.

  The very thought of it horrified and terrified and disgusted him beyond belief.

  But, deep down, he knew he had no choice.

  He had to save it.

  After all, it was his bum . . . and it had tried to save him.

  Zack took a deep breath, dived into the lake and started swimming. It was every bit as horrific, terrifying and disgusting as he’d feared it would be, but he tried not to think about it. His main concern was to get to his bum before the maggots did. Using butterfly stroke Zack was able to propel himself forwards through the lumpy sludge faster than the maggots. Zack’s flailing arms and powerful leg kicks also helped to keep the maggots at bay.

  Zack was winning the race, but his bum was sinking fast. He reached it just as it disappeared beneath the surface of the lake.

  Zack grabbed one of its arms and pulled it up.

  It emerged, coughing and choking. ‘It’s too late for me,’ it spluttered. ‘Save yourself while you still can. No sense in both of us dying.’

  ‘No way,’ said Zack. ‘I’m not going back without you.’

  ‘You’re making a mistake,’ said his bum. ‘I’m not worth it. I’ve been nothing but trouble for you.’

  ‘That’s true,’ said Zack. ‘You might be unreliable, rude, smelly, non-self-wiping and completely psycho, but you’re my bum and I love you.’

  Zack’s bum started to cry. ‘You really mean that?’ it said.

  ‘Of course I mean it, you crazy bum!’ said Zack. ‘Now let’s go!’

  Holding onto his bum’s hand, Zack headed for the edge of the lake. But with only one arm free for swimming, he wasn’t able to move quite as fast as he had before. One of the maggots drew up alongside him, opened its mouth and lunged at his bum. Zack managed to jerk his bum out of the way and punch the maggot in the head, but it had no effect. The maggot lunged again.

  This time it was successful.

  It swallowed Zack’s bum in one gulp.

  ‘No!’ Zack yelled as the maggot disappeared into the depths of the brown lake.

  Zack was shattered. He’d come all this way, only to have his bum eaten by a giant maggot. He watched as the rest of the maggots closed in on him, but made no attempt to stop them. What was the point? He figured he might as well become maggot food himself. He obviously didn’t have what it took to save the world. He couldn’t even save his own bum.

  Suddenly Zack felt an enormous shockwave from below. A giant bubble of foul-smelling air rose and burst around him. A few seconds later, Zack was surrounded by huge pieces of torn maggot skin.

  The other maggots quickly lost interest in Zack and began munching on the remains of their dead friend instead.

  Zack shook his head. Now he’d seen everything. They were cannibal maggots. Ordinary maggots were bad enough. Giant maggots were even worse. But giant cannibal maggots? Zack couldn’t take any more. He gave up the struggle to try to keep himself afloat and was beginning to sink into the sludge when his bum bobbed up beside him.

  ‘You’re alive!’ said Zack, overjoyed.

  ‘No maggot’s going to make a meal out of me,’ it said. ‘I hit it with my sonic depth charge.’

  ‘Well it sure did the trick,’ said Zack, patting his bum. ‘Let’s get out of here!’

  ‘Not so fast,’ said his bum. ‘Looks like we’re surrounded.’

  Zack looked up and saw that the maggots, having devoured the pieces of their dead chum, had formed a circle around Zack and his bum. And they were closing in fast.

  ‘Hang on to my hand,’ said Zack’s bum. ‘I’ve got an idea.’

  Zack’s bum cleared its throat.

  Zack knew what was coming.

  It wasn’t so much an idea as an enormous jet of gas. His bum blasted off up into the air, taking Zack wi
th it.

  They shot across the lake and back down to the ground, landing about ten metres away from the Great White Bum who was standing next to Eleanor, clearly enjoying Zack and his bum’s ordeal.

  ‘So,’ said the Great White Bum, its hands on its hips, ‘a boy who loves his bum—and a bum who loves his boy. How touching! What a pity the story has to have such a sad ending . . .’

  It started stomping towards them.

  Zack looked at his bum.

  It looked at Zack.

  They both nodded.

  Zack jumped on top of his bum. It took off into the air and flew straight at the Great White Bum.

  The Great White Bum tried to grab them, but Zack’s bum was too fast. Too agile.

  ‘Get in closer!’ yelled Zack.

  Zack’s bum zoomed up as close as it could. A great wall of pure white bum-flesh towered in front of Zack. But he didn’t have time to feel scared. He launched a double-handed power smack. But it was like smacking concrete.

  Zack’s bum zoomed away, but somehow, in the stench of battle, made the mistake of flying directly in front of the Great White Bum’s mouth.

  They were hit by a powerful blast of wind. Zack lost hold of his bum, fell to the ground and landed right next to Eleanor.

  ‘I’ve got you now,’ thundered the Great White Bum. ‘Prepare for oblivion!’

  It started lowering itself towards them. Its great white hide coming down to grind them both into the rock.

  Zack looked for his bum but it had disappeared. He looked across at Eleanor.

  She was in a bad way.

  Her nose-pegs had come loose and she’d obviously taken in a dangerous amount of methane. Her cheeks were green and her eyeballs, huge and swollen, looked like they had been replaced by tennis balls. Zack hated to see her so helpless. And the worst thing was that it was his fault. If he hadn’t tackled her she wouldn’t have been knocked out. Together they might have had a chance of defeating the Great White Bum. But it was too late now. There was nowhere to run. Nowhere to hide. The Great White Bum was too big. Too huge. Too fast.

  Zack reached across and removed her gag.

  Eleanor coughed.

  ‘Goodbye,’ said Zack, as the Great White Bum came closer and closer.

  ‘Goodbye,’ said Eleanor, smiling weakly, ‘you idiot.’