Straight From the Heart

by Sam Burns

  Alex cocked his head. “Six and a half at most, and he’s not mean looking. He can’t help that he’s tall, and, you know, um . . .” Alex trailed off and made a hand gesture that he had no idea how to transfer into words.

  “Built? Hot? Terrifying? Give me something to work with here, man. Who the hell was this guy?” Jake didn’t look hurt, or even angry. He looked worried, and somehow that was even worse. Alex wasn’t sure how it hadn’t occurred to him that they would be concerned. He was so out of touch with the way normal people acted sometimes. He’d gotten used to flying below the radar, never having to explain himself to anyone.

  “He’s big. Like, um, not like a bodybuilder, but big. And not mean, just serious, I guess.” Sparkling light green eyes popped into his head, and he found himself smiling. “Definitely not mean.”

  Jake gave him a little smirk. “Sounds like he made an impression.”

  Alex nodded and patted his phone. “He said he’s gonna call. Or I should. Should I wait for him to call me first? God, do I sound like a teenage cliché right now?”

  “A little bit,” Jake said, “but that’s okay. As long as this guy didn’t take advantage of you. You were pretty drunk last night, man.”

  Alex blushed. “He, um, he didn’t take advantage of me.” He glanced toward the kitchen to make sure Jenna wasn’t listening, and then back at Jake. “Jenna would be really disappointed by how much he didn’t.”

  Jake let his full weight drop onto the arm of the couch, his whole stance telegraphing relief. “No kidding?”

  “None at all,” Alex confirmed.

  “Then I guess I don’t need to kick his ass,” Jake said, sounding surprised. “Not yet, anyway. Not unless he doesn’t call you.”

  “So you’re not mad at me?” Alex asked. He made it sound casual, but it wasn’t.

  “Mad about what?” Jake asked seriously. “That you were too drunk to call before you ran off with Andre the Giant?”

  Leaning forward, Alex put both hands on Jake’s chest and shoved, making him fall backward onto the couch. “Bite me, McKenna.”

  “Now, now,” Jenna called from the kitchen. “No biting unless I can film it for one of those sites where we get paid when people watch it. And none right now anyway. It’s breakfast time, and then I have to get to the deli.”

  Silence and coffee had never sounded so good. Alex loved Jenna, but he really didn’t want to think about recreational biting in her presence. Still, he thought as he bit into the dry toast she’d made them, coming out of the closet had been easier than popular fiction had warned.

  On the other hand, his mother would probably disown him again if she knew about it.

  The weather was still unseasonably warm for November, so they all decided to walk down to Spielman’s Deli when Jenna had to go for her shift. It was a few miles from the apartment, but again, exercise was supposed to be good for you. After almost being mugged the night before, he also didn’t want his friends going anywhere alone.

  Spielman’s was where the band had met Elsi. Her family owned the place, and the moment Jenna learned that she knew how to play drums, Elsi’s fate had been sealed. Despite her father’s dreams of her getting an MBA, and her Nana’s dreams of her marrying a nice Jewish boy with a college education, Elsi had decided to do what her mother suggested and follow her heart. Her Nana had told her father that he shouldn’t expect any better, since he’d insisted on marrying a shiksah.

  Jenna had been working there for more than four years, and Jake liked to say it had put him through college. It wasn’t completely true, but it was true enough, and it made Jenna feel better about having chosen not to go to college herself.

  “Maybe I should look for help wanted signs on the way there,” Alex suggested as they were leaving the apartment. “I do need to find a job.”

  Jake snorted. “Yeah, you’re gonna find a job on the walk to the deli.”

  Jenna unsubtly elbowed him in the ribs and smiled at Alex. “You never know, right? No reason not to give it a shot.” She draped her scarf around her neck. Despite the unseasonably warm temperature, she always seemed to wear one. When they were ready to go, she held the door open for them, gesturing dramatically.

  “Exactly,” he agreed. “I doubt the people at the market would hire me since I don’t speak, um, Arabic, I think? But you never know.”

  “I’ll bet the people at the porn theater would hire you,” Jake offered with a sly grin, heading for the stairs. “You could stand outside handing out fliers.” That time, when Jenna aimed her elbow for his ribs, he saw it coming and dodged.

  Alex pretended to consider it as he headed for the staircase, hiding his smirk by turning away. “Maybe. I could do that.”

  They both stopped at the top of the stairs and stared at his back, until they were forced to either follow or lose sight of him.

  “You’re not doing that,” Jenna called after him, hurrying to catch up. It was scary how much she reminded him of his mother when she took that tone of voice. It wasn’t often, but she was good at it.

  “Why not?” he asked. “It’s not like I have a lot of qualifications for a job, and I need to find something. I’m not suggesting I should become a drug dealer, but shilling a little porn never hurt anybody.”

  They passed by an older man on his way into the building, and he stopped and gave Alex a hard look. Alex just stared at him, not feeling apologetic in the least. Adults like this guy weren’t that innocent. Alex wasn’t going to pretend shame over porn when it wasn’t hurting anybody.

  Jake seemed to consider the idea of Alex working at the theater for a moment, then shook his head. “Nope. No porn for you. I could talk to the guy at the music store. You could give bass lessons.”

  Alex laughed at that. “I’m not you, Jake.” At Jake’s offended look, he continued, “I play fine, okay, but I don’t think I’m good enough to teach someone else how to play. I haven’t been playing since I was like, smaller than my instrument.”

  “To be fair,” Jenna interrupted. “His first instrument was a piano. It was kind of inevitable that he was smaller than it.”

  Jake ignored his sister and spoke directly to Alex. “You don’t have to give like, high-level lessons. You could teach beginners. Kids.”

  That time, Jenna was the one who gave Jake a dubious look. “Lots of kids out there dreaming of playing bass, are there? No chance. They all wanna be primadonna guitarists just like my baby bro.”

  Letting his head drop onto Alex’s shoulder, Jake groaned. “Why am I saddled with this for a twin?”

  Alex tried not to laugh and shrugged lightly, careful not to dislodge Jake’s head. “Because only you could handle her? She’s right, though. I doubt there are a lot of openings for people offering beginner-level bass lessons.”

  Jake’s lack of response suggested that he agreed as well, but didn’t want to say so out loud.

  They passed by the porn theater then, help wanted sign posted, and all burst into giggles.

  “We are such children,” Jake managed to get out through his laughter. “Seriously, though, we’re not that hard up. I do pretty well at the music shop, and Jenna makes bank in tips at the deli, which is completely bizarre.”

  “Hey!”

  Jake held up a hand to forestall the tirade that was sure to follow. “Seriously Jen, you serve lunch at a mid-range deli. There’s no steak. No wine list. It’s weird how much you make in tips.”

  “It’s that thing we were talking about this morning,” Alex told him, and Jake cringed.

  Jenna looked at them suspiciously. “What thing?”

  “Apparently,” Jake said, dragging the word out to contain extra syllables. “There are people who think you’re hot. Weird, right?”

  Jenna gave a wide, white smile and struck a pose. “Who, me? Why Alex, have you been checking me out?”

  They both shook their heads, but Alex was the one who spoke up. “I mean, kind of, I guess. It’s how I realized I’m probably totally gay. Still not sure, b
ut there must be something to it if I don’t think you’re hot.”

  She laughed at that, and yanked him in for a hug. “You’re my favorite, you know that?” Leaning in a little closer, she whispered in his ear. “Don’t tell Jake, but I get so many tips because the guys who eat lunch at the deli think I’m ‘exotic’ looking.”

  He hugged her back tight, and whispered in return. “They’re assholes, and I’m glad you get their money and they get nothing but dry corned beef.”

  Jenna burst into laughter again, and it took her a moment to catch her breath. “Oh my god, don’t tell Elsi’s Nana that you think her corned beef is dry.”

  “It’s corned beef,” Jake said. “Isn’t it supposed to be dry?” He was looking at the two of them suspiciously.

  Alex shrugged. “I honestly don’t know. Never had it before the deli. My mom would probably call it ethnic food.”

  That led to another round of laughter, and they found themselves standing outside the deli by the time they wound down.

  “You guys wanna come around for dry corned beef later?” Jenna asked, looking hopeful. “We could have a late lunch before heading back to Elsi’s for practice.”

  They agreed, and left her to work.

  Jake and Alex kept walking away from the apartment after they left Jenna at the deli. They were quiet, but unlike their usual silences, this one was a little awkward.

  Alex began to worry that Jake had been pretending to be okay with everything. He did that sometimes, but he was usually honest with Alex.

  “Don’t look at me like that,” Jake muttered after a moment without looking up.

  Alex cocked his head. “Like what?”

  “Like you’re expecting me to turn around and bite your head off, or tell you that we can’t be friends anymore, or something stupid like that.” Jake gesticulated wildly as he spoke, which was odd. Jake usually reserved his non-verbal communication for when he had an instrument in hand.

  “I don’t think you’re going to do any of those things,” Alex told him.

  Jake turned to look at him, stopping in the middle of the sidewalk and forcing a woman who had been walking right behind them to suddenly adjust course. “You don’t?”

  “No,” Alex said, sighing. “I don’t. I never believed for a second that you were some kind of closeted homophobe.”

  The two of them considered that sentence for a minute, and Jake shrugged, staring down at the sidewalk. “Being closeted usually makes homophobes worse. Nothing as ugly as self-hatred.”

  Alex tried to stifle a chuckle and keep a straight face when he spoke. “Dude. I don’t think you’re allowed to make jokes like that unless you’re gay.”

  Jake didn’t say anything. He just looked at his boots and shifted his weight from one foot to the other.

  “Jake?”

  He sighed, drawing his leather jacket closer around himself like it was a protective shield. “I didn’t want to say anything, okay? At first it was like, you know, you don’t jump out of the closet at a total stranger. Like, hi, my name is Jake, and I’m a homosexual.”

  “Sure,” Alex agreed. “But then we weren’t strangers anymore.”

  Jake let his head fall back and he stared at the sky. The expression on his face was so defeated that it broke Alex’s heart. His voice was softer when he spoke again. “And then it was too late. It was like I’d already told you who I was. I had my chance, and I let it pass. And if I came out later, it would have been like I’d been lying.”

  That made sense, in a twisted sort of way. He hoped Jake hadn’t spent a lot of time worrying about it, since it didn’t change how he saw his best friend. The whole thing made him glad he hadn’t ever considered his own sexuality, so he hadn’t had to worry about how people would see him.

  He had a thought. “Um, does Jenna know?”

  “No.”

  Alex waited until it became apparent that Jake wasn’t planning to continue. “Are you gonna tell her?”

  Jake shrugged, letting his head come down and finally looking Alex in the eye again. “Does it matter? I was just kind of, you know, worried that it would hurt the band’s chances if the guitarist was openly gay. And then there’s you last night, and it was just, I dunno. I don’t feel like I can say anything that makes sense right now.”

  “You thought it would be hard for the band if our male sex symbol was gay,” Alex said, considering the idea and nodding. It made sense. He was sure Jake wasn’t the only person in the world keeping quiet about their sexuality for the sake of their career. It shouldn’t have mattered, but sometimes, it did. “And then I just come crashing out of the closet last night, totally accidentally, and it makes everything harder for you.”

  Jake was already shaking his head before Alex finished talking. “No, man, it’s not that at all. And what do you mean ‘our male sex symbol’? You’re as good looking as I am.”

  Alex rolled his eyes. “You’re the leather-jacket-wearing bad boy who’s supposed to break all the hearts. I’m just the bassist who everyone thinks is probably a closeted pothead. Just, closeted yes, pothead no.”

  “Not so much closeted anymore,” Jake chuckled. “But really, were you ever in the closet? Did you even think about sex till tall, dark, and scary showed up?”

  “Not really,” Alex admitted. “But Jake? You don’t have to be in the closet because you think it’s gonna hurt us with female fans. I don’t care if no one ever likes our music again, I don’t want you to feel like you have to lie.”

  Wiping a palm down his face, Jake looked around, seeming to realize for the first time that they were standing in the middle of the sidewalk. He led Alex over to the side of the building they were closest to, and leaned against the brick facade. “I don’t feel like I have to lie. It’s just easier. I’m too busy to be messing around with a relationship, and if it helps the band that people think I’m straight, then whatever. You know what’s important to me, and it’s not sex.”

  Alex did know. Many were the nights he had stayed over with the twins, only to wake in the middle of the night to find Jake sitting hunched over the kitchen table, feverishly scratching out a new melody that had come to him in his sleep. Alex hadn’t thought of sexuality much in his life, but if he had, he would have suggested that Jake’s somehow focused on music. Everything about Jake focused on music.

  “You know Jenna probably knows, right?” he finally asked.

  Jake considered for a minute, then nodded.

  “And she’s gonna kick your ass when you finally tell her?”

  Jake nodded again, a hint of a smile on his face.

  Alex waited a moment before saying the next thing that had come to him. He wasn’t sure he wanted to bring it up, but he needed to clear the air completely. “You were worried about coming out because I did. Not because two gay dudes in a band was too many. Because you were worried I would think you only admitted it because I did.”

  “Didn’t I?” Jake asked. “I don’t have a crush on you Alex, I promise. I’m not trying to move in on Fezzig’s territory. And I guess I’m not bear enough for you even if I wanted you. Not that—”

  Alex held up his hands. “Jake.” He waited to make sure his friend had stopped talking. “First, Liam is tall, but he’s not any kind of giant, and he’s not a bear. Nor was Andre the Giant, despite any Grizzly-like qualities.” Jake’s lip quirked up at the corner, making Alex suspect he hadn’t meant a real bear, but he dismissed that conversation for another time. “Second, I know. Dude, we’ve been best friends for years. I know I’m a little unobservant, but I’d have noticed if you had a thing for me. I think. I would, wouldn’t I?”

  Jake shook his head.

  “Did you have a crush on me?” Alex asked, thinking through their history together and trying to find any sign of it.

  “Nah, man, you’re like my brother or something,” Jake said, then pulled a face. “Which is funny, ‘cause I never wanted a brother. But Elsi would have sawed off her right arm for a shot with you, way back when
you met.”

  Alex felt his mouth fall open. “Els? No way.”

  Jake nodded. “Giant crush. I think half the reason her Nana loves you so much is because you let her baby down easy, even though you didn’t know you were doing it. You’re just such a nice boy.” He said the last sentence in Nana’s tone of voice, and Alex could imagine her indulgent, smiling face.

  It certainly made sense, when put together like that. Poor Elsi. He felt like a jerk for not even noticing. Still, it seemed like it had worked out well for her. Jenna had taught her to be confident in going after what she wanted, and she hadn’t hesitated in going after the guy she was currently dating.

  He looked up at Jake. “She never needs to know I know about that.”

  “Can’t imagine how she’d find out,” Jake said, giving Alex’s shoulder a squeeze.

  Alex slumped against the brick and hit his head on Jake’s shoulder a few times. “I’m such a mess, Jake.”

  Jake put an arm around him and started leading him back toward the apartment. “Nah, man. You’re not a mess. You were a mess. You just finally realized it now that you’re getting it together. Things are looking up for you, my friend. New apartment, new freedom, new guy who’s apparently some kind of—”

  “I swear, Jake, if you make another crack about his height, I’ll tell Jenna that it wasn’t an accident when you put your red shirt in with her whites.” Alex left his head on Jake’s shoulder, but turned his face up and cracked an eye. “Not even kidding.”

  Jake laughed, and it was the best morning ever, hangover and all.

  4

  Liam Isn't a Stalker. Much

  Despite having made the decision to call Keegan about Alex’s band, Liam found himself hesitating. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to do it. In fact, it was probably the exact opposite. It was unhealthy, how much he wanted to talk to him again.