by Sam Burns
“This menu is bizarre,” Alex mused, squinting at the items. “Tacos, enchiladas, egg rolls, and lo mein?”
“Mexican-Asian fusion. It’s awesome. My favorite is the sesame chicken burrito,” Liam agreed. “Not like, to eat, but to wonder how they came up with it, and who would order it.”
Alex closed his menu. “That’s it, then. I have to try it.”
“For real? That’s what you’re ordering?” Liam looked a little horrified. Or maybe it was fascinated, like people were fascinated by horror movies.
Alex nodded resolutely, and when the waitress came back, he proudly placed his order. Even she looked a little surprised. Liam ordered plain chicken enchiladas, and Alex smirked at him. “Chicken.”
“That’s right, I ordered chicken. And it will be delicious, and not in pseudo-Chinese burrito form.” Liam gave him a challenging look, and they both burst into laughter again.
When Alex’s burrito arrived they both spent a long moment watching it, like it was going to stand up and do a little dance. It looked innocent enough, just a burrito covered in a brown sauce and sprinkled with sesame seeds, with a side of fried rice.
“You’re really gonna eat that?” Liam asked.
Alex nodded, spread his paper napkin over his lap, and delicately cut off a corner of the burrito. It was both delicious and utterly bizarre. He grinned up at Liam. “Want to try it?”
Liam looked suspicious, but still intrigued. “No?” he asked.
Cutting off another piece, he waved it in front of Liam. “You sure?”
Without hesitation, Liam leaned forward and bit the piece off Alex’s fork. His expression almost immediately morphed into one of shock. “That’s amazing,” He said after he swallowed it. “How is that even possible?”
“That’s what happens when you try new things,” Alex told him, chin in the air and smug smile on his face. “Sometimes they’re unexpectedly awesome.”
Like dating, Alex thought to himself.
6
Liam's Feeling Lucky
For their second official date a few days later, Liam offered to cook. He had enjoyed going out, but some part of him wanted to prove that he had some useful skills to offer other than scaring off muggers. Cooking was the only one he could think of, but he thought it was an important one.
Fortunately, Alex seemed to like the idea. “Sweet! Maybe I can help? I’ve never cooked anything more complicated than ramen, but I’ve got the whole variety—beef, chicken, even shrimp.”
The easiest and most impressive thing Liam could think of was lasagna, so he first confirmed that Alex liked Italian food. Then made sure to drop by the market for the correct ingredients and the right tools for his kitchen. It wouldn’t do to get started and then find that he didn’t have a pan for it. He hadn’t done a lot of cooking as Liam Kennedy, so it was a possibility.
He had just put the finished pan in the oven and set the timer for an hour when Alex knocked. A wide smile on his face, he headed over to open the door.
In the hallway, Alex eyed him up and down, quirking an eyebrow. “Have you been cutting up your most recent victim in the kitchen?” he asked, looking like he was trying not to laugh.
Liam looked down at himself and realized that his shirt was covered with spots of tomato sauce. Tomatoes were dangerous like that. He shrugged. “Oops, you caught me.”
“It’s okay,” Alex answered. “As long as you don’t need my help. I’m fresh out of lye.”
“It disturbs me that you know how to get rid of bodies,” Liam told him, pretending to be serious. “I can’t imagine where you learned, since you said you don’t watch much TV.”
“I have the internet and a vivid imagination,” Alex said, putting his hands on his hips. “I’m perfectly capable of looking things up. Wait, that doesn’t sound better, does it?”
“Not really, no. Should I ask why you were looking up how to dispose of bodies on the internet?”
“Should I ask how you know about disposing bodies?” Alex shot back, cocking his head and trying to look as combative as possible. “I mean, really, you’re the one who dismembered a corpse in your kitchen, if you’ll recall.”
“Yeah, I’m a monster,” Liam agreed, plucking at his probably-ruined shirt. “All those tomatoes got what they deserved, though. I swear they had it coming.”
Alex couldn’t keep it up anymore. He burst into laughter.
Liam put his hands on his hips and jutted out his lip. “What? You don’t believe me? You should have heard the things they were saying about you before you got here.”
“You know, I’ve always had the impression that tomatoes didn’t like me,” Alex said, then tried to look serious. “So, tomato sauce? Is there anything I can do to help? I can’t, you know, cook, but I might be able to pour water and stick things in the microwave.”
Liam put an arm around him and led him into the kitchen. “Sure, why not? I still have to make the salad and garlic bread.”
“That sounds amazing. What can I do?”
Liam handed Alex a loaf of bread and a serrated knife, handle first. “Cut this in half while I make garlic butter to go inside, then we’ll do the salads.”
“This is pretty complicated stuff for a second date,” Alex said, focusing on cutting the bread down the middle without cutting off one of his fingers. “I kind of expected, you know, mac and cheese or something.”
“No way,” Liam said seriously. “Mac and cheese is a sixth date thing. There’s no chance I’m making you my uncle’s recipe for browned-butter, four-cheese macaroni until I’m sure you’re as awesome as you seem.”
Alex stopped cutting for a moment so he could chuckle. “As awesome as I seem, huh? Afraid I’m going to turn into a pumpkin?”
“You never know. You might not appreciate my lasagna, and then I couldn’t make you the best family recipes.” He looked up from where he was mincing fresh garlic and considered for a moment. “Well, the good ones are all my uncle’s recipes. The only thing I got from my mom is corned beef and cabbage, and I’m sure they’re great in the right hands, but what she did to them was criminal.”
Alex stopped slicing and turned to Liam, his expression incredulous. “Seriously? Corned beef and cabbage? I didn’t even know people ate that for real. Isn’t it like, a St. Patrick’s Day gimmick?”
Liam laughed. “You kidding? It’s an Irish tradition. And if there’s one thing my family is good at, it’s tradition.” With surprise, Liam realized that he was telling Alex the truth—Liam Collins’ truth, not Liam Kennedy’s. His best recipes were from his uncle, and his mother shouldn’t be allowed near a kitchen. He couldn’t even make himself feel bad about it. He liked Alex’s company, and he was letting himself enjoy it.
They put the garlic bread on the pan to wait, then Liam went to putting the salad together.
The dressing was simple enough. Salt, sugar, vinegar, olive oil, and a little Italian seasoning because he was too lazy to pick specific herbs. While he located and chopped vegetables for the salad, he told Alex how to put the vinaigrette together. When they were finished, he tossed everything in the salad bowl and then tried a leaf of spinach. He almost stopped breathing.
“Is something wrong?” Alex asked, concerned.
“Salty,” Liam choked out. “Really salty.”
Alex frowned in confusion. “I put in the salt you said,” he told Liam, waving his hand at the sugar.
Liam narrowed his eyes. “And the sugar I said, too?” He asked, picking up the salt and holding it out.
“Exact . . . ly.” Alex stared at the salt for a minute. “That’s not sugar, is it?”
Liam shook his head. “Nope.”
“I’m the worst cook ever,” Alex said, hanging his head. He looked absolutely tragic.
“Aww,” Liam put an arm around him. “You’re not the worst cook ever. It’s your first time. I’m sure it’ll be fine once it’s had time to settle.” He glanced at the salad, still sitting on the counter, feigning innocence. For Alex,
he decided, he would eat as much of it as he could without dying.
“You mean it?” Alex asked, his mouth pursed in a little pout.
“Of course I mean it!” The timer went off, indicating that Liam needed to put the garlic bread in the oven, so he had Alex sit down at the table and went to do that.
Twenty minutes later, they sat down to lasagna, garlic bread, and the worst salad Liam had ever tasted. He still managed to eat half his portion before Alex took it away and threw it in the trash.
“You didn’t have to do that,” he said.
Alex looked him in the eye, and then went to dump his own salad in the trash. “It’s gross, Liam. I’m not making either of us eat that. We’ll die of hypertension. Like, tonight.”
Liam had no idea what that meant, but Alex sounded serious. “Is that like salt poisoning?”
Alex cocked his head and considered that for a moment before nodding. “Pretty much, yeah. Now forget about it. Let’s eat the lasagna, because it’s awesome.”
So they ate the lasagna.
Since Alex was working five days a week, Liam needed to find a reason to be at Wilde’s regularly. He went out and bought a used laptop, then took it down to the place just after it opened one morning.
Brigit was working the front, like always, and she looked pleased to see him. “Hey, Alex’s boyfriend. How are you?”
“It’s Liam. And I’m fine, you?” She nodded and chirped back a response, so he continued. “Is it too busy for me to come hang out and work a while?” he asked, brandishing the laptop.
Her ponytail bounced in time with her head shake. “No, we’re never that busy on weekday lunches. I can find you a nice quiet table in the back, where you can sit and pretend not to watch Alex’s exceptional ass.”
Liam quirked an eyebrow at her, and tried to give her an ‘I’m onto you’ expression, but she just laughed and motioned for him to follow.
He tried to spend most of his time looking at his computer, or at least pretending to. When he looked up around noon, he saw Keegan and Alex standing together in the middle of the floor. They were talking about something, Alex pointing to a table where two men in expensive suits sat, pointedly ignoring the conversation. Keegan didn’t look impressed, and kept shooting the men irritated glances.
After a few minutes, Keegan went to talk to the men, and Alex stood there looking annoyed. He let his eyes wander the back wall as he waited, snagging on Liam after a moment. He cocked his head in question, so Liam motioned to the laptop. He minimized the game of solitaire he’d been playing in case Alex came over. He had a fake budget spreadsheet open, and he hoped Alex wouldn’t pay enough attention to it to realize what it was. He also wondered what widgets were, and why he was supposed to be buying thousands of them.
Keegan walked back over to Alex, the businessmen leaving in a huff behind him, and noticed Alex noticing Liam. His expression of amused curiosity was obvious from all the way across the room. The two of them spoke for a moment before Alex waved and scurried back off to work.
Keegan made his way across the dining room, and sat in the chair across from Liam. His back was to the front door in a show of either extreme confidence or incredible stupidity for an ex-mobster.
“You may have the worst job known to man,” Keegan said, leaning back in the chair and watching him expectantly.
“Or the best,” Liam said. It was weird watching Alex all the time, but it was also the easiest job he’d had in his life. “Alex is doing good?”
Keegan looked over his shoulder to where Alex was chatting with a table of twenty-something women. “He’s really good with people,” he said. “He struggled with the basics for a few days, but everybody does. Yeah, he’s good.”
He was curious and couldn’t help asking about the scene he’d just witnessed. “And those guys before?”
Keegan scoffed, waving a hand dismissively toward the door. “Always a few jerks who expect things to be handed to them. Wanted their lunch free because there was more than an hour between their arrival and the time they finished eating. I told ‘em it wasn’t Alex’s fault they were slow eaters.”
“Have they been to a restaurant before?” Liam asked. “I don’t think I’ve ever made it in and out in under an hour.”
Catching Brigit’s eye, Keegan motioned her over. “Who knows? Some guys think just ‘cause they’re wearing a suit, it makes ‘em classy. You want some lunch? On me.”
“Who would turn that down?” Liam gave the other man a grin and closed his laptop.
It only took them a moment to order drinks and food, and Brigit was off again. Liam turned back to look for Alex, and found him dropping off food at a nearby table. Alex looked up right when Liam caught sight of him, and gave him a sly smile. Caught red-handed. Oh well. It wasn’t as bad as if he was sitting there alone staring at Alex.
“This is a tame job for a guy like you,” Keegan said, interrupting his thoughts. “I’d expect you to be pretty bored by it.”
“What, spending most of my waking moments following my boyfriend around like some kind of romance novel hero?” Liam asked, then made a disgusted face. “At least I don’t hang out outside his window and watch him sleep.”
Keegan laughed. “No, you hang out outside his apartment and watch the door. Right?”
Liam ducked his head sheepishly. “Yeah. But at least I’m doing it for a real reason, and I’m not just some kind of lovesick stalker.”
“Though you are that,” Keegan said knowingly. “The lovesick part, not the stalker part.”
Liam didn’t have a response for that. There was nothing he could say that wouldn’t validate Keegan’s assessment, so he figured it was best to keep his mouth shut. He worried about it though, both the stalking and the relationship. He hadn’t initiated any intimacy beyond a few innocent kisses because he didn’t want to do so under such morally gray circumstances.
“What about you?” he asked, deciding to turn the tables. “You’re the big gay boss, right? Shouldn’t you be dating?”
“Oh jeez, don’t get it started.” Keegan looked around, like he expected everyone around them to be listening. “If Brigit hears you, she’ll start trying to set me up again.”
“That stinks, man,” Liam commiserated. “I guess just saying no doesn’t work?”
Keegan laughed out loud, his broad shoulders shaking. “No chance. You say no, you get the guilt trip. Last time I tried, she gave me the giant, TV-orphan eyes and said she just didn’t want me to be alone and sad.”
Liam shuddered. He’d never had anyone that determined to set him up, and he was grateful for it. “That’s horrible.”
“You’re lucky to have Alex,” Keegan said. “And not just because he’s a great guy. Not that he’s my type, but he’s the kind of guy anyone should be happy to have.”
“I am lucky,” Liam agreed. “But you do have a type? Why not tell her that?”
Keegan laughed at that, shaking his head as though that were the most ridiculous thing he’d ever heard. “Yeah, no way. Then she’d be on me to get more therapy instead of a boyfriend. I like the ones who are bad for me. The lying, cheating, violent ones. All my male role models, you know?”
Liam focused on his glass of ice water, rubbing the sides to make that little squeaky noise, but mostly just avoiding Keegan’s eyes. “That’s—”
“You don’t have to say it, man. I know.” Keegan leaned back in his chair, then moved his arms off the table for Brigit, who was approaching with a tray containing their lunch. He gave Liam a look that said not to mention it when she was at the table, but Liam didn’t really need to be told.
“Okay guys, one chicken artichoke pasta and one steak sandwich. Alex says that’s disgusting, by the way,” she added, motioning toward the pasta as she set it down in front of Liam. “Anything else you guys want?”
“Just more water?” Liam asked, and she nodded and looked to Keegan.
“The same,” Keegan agreed. “And I think that’s it.”
Without another word, she left for the kitchen.
“She seems so harmless when she’s not trying to set you up on a date.” Liam said, amusement coloring his voice.
Keegan sighed. “Yeah. Love her, but she drives me nuts some days. Wanted to set me up with a professor at the university who was twice my age and had some kind of freaky fascination with my family.”
Liam winced at that. “Some kind of weird crime buff?”
“Exactly.” Keegan went quiet again when Brigit came back with the pitcher of water. She gave them a curious look, but then she was off to the front again to greet new guests.
“Just another reason to be happy I have Alex, I guess.” Liam had already been happy about it, but thinking about dating strangers made it stronger. He and Alex hadn’t been together long, but he knew Alex in a way he’d never known anyone else he’d dated.
Playing with a french fry, Keegan seemed ambivalent about whether he wanted to be discussing romance. “You should be happy to have him. He’s easy. To deal with, I mean. Most guys are like you and me, they’re hiding something. That’s not how it is with him. With Alex, everything’s straight from his heart to you. He doesn’t filter anything.”
“I know,” Liam said. “I wish I could give him the same. I hope someday I can.”
“Any idea how long you’re going to be doing this?” Keegan asked after finally eating the fry in his hand. “It seems like a stupid job to have a trained professional doing if nothing ever happens.”
“He did almost get mugged once. Or stabbed, since apparently the guy was a bad mugger.” Liam frowned at the idea. Alex getting stabbed was not something he wanted to think about too much. Or at all, really.
“Fair, but it’s not like he works in a high-danger field, or goes out drinking in bad areas of town every weekend.” Keegan looked over at Alex. “Hell, he doesn’t seem like the kind of guy who drinks much at all.”
“He’s not,” Liam agreed. “Which has its own set of issues.”
Keegan didn’t say anything, but raised an eyebrow at Liam.