Notes from Small Planets

by Nate Crowley

  4. SUGGESTED ITINERARIES

  1. A TASTE OF SPACE:

  (6 DAYS[38])

  At Home with the Space Men

  This budget holiday will give you a sample of all SPACE has to offer in the jankily cosmopolitan environs of Outpost Bravo.

  DAY 1

  After navigating the bustling crowds of the station’s arrival hall, the rest of the day is set aside for acclimatisation to the cosmic lifestyle. Despite being largely a utilitarian structure, with many areas cold, grubby and lit by dim CRT monitors, you’ll find the Outpost also has some outstanding beauty spots, if you know where to look. Spend the afternoon in the docking complex watching sleek, finned rocketships cruising to and fro, or watching nebulae swirl through the misty glass ceiling of a relaxation dome, before hitting one of the entertainment districts for an exotic evening meal.

  DAY 2

  It’s time to get used to the stale scent of astronaut sweat and cigarette smoke, as you head to the warren-like expanse of the crew quarters to experience the spartan life of the Space Men. These neurotic hunks spend most of their time working at primitive computer terminals, furthering their inscrutable ‘Missions’, and to be fair, their time off isn’t much more fun either, being spent either frantically working out, dozing fitfully in rows of grimy sleeping bags or smashing back machinery-flavoured spirits in the Recreation Chambers. It’s probably more rewarding to watch than to join in.

  As the station lights dim for the night cycle, why not take a trip to the Imagination Hole, where ‘advanced’ hologram projectors can recreate scenes straight out of your head. The Space Men have mostly stopped using the Hole out of fear, since it keeps showing them images of their dead ancestors pointing fingers in condemnation, but these visions rarely occur to tourists, so you’ll probably be all right. Alternatively, enjoy live music featuring a disproportionate number of theremins, participate in some furtive Megagambling activities, or head to the Fight Dome, where you can watch twitching, sweat-drenched Space Men have fist fights with aliens to the accompaniment of a live orchestra playing discordant battle music.

  DAY 3

  Spending too much time with the Space Men can be overbearingly stressful, so head to the station’s outer ring, where the civilian population lives. Studding the circumference of the ring are the botany domes, where trees, crops and lush tropical foliage are grown beneath the stars, which are fantastic spots for a picnic – so long as you can handle the Barbarians (see below). If that’s not your cup of astro-tea, take in the hubbub of the Grand Concourse, where dozens of alien vendors have made an insane three-dimensional maze of stalls. The low gravity settings mean you can swim between them like an astrofish with an appetite for tourist tat – but don’t get your trajectory wrong, as some of the food sellers are frankly reckless about signposting fire hazards.[39]

  DAY 4

  If you’re after a unique experience, you might want to visit the labyrinthine robot habitation district[40] known as Bleeptown, in the levels of the station surrounding its engine core.[41] Expecting artificial intelligences with almost godlike intellectual capabilities, visitors often find these bulky mechanical citizens quite endearing, with their rasping voices, spinning head-mounted radar dishes and propensity for reading out long strings of numbers. Whatever you do, though, don’t patronise the robots – they seem this close to starting a violent uprising against the Space Men, and the last thing the situation needs is a well-intentioned tourist sticking their oar in.[42] If robots aren’t your thing, you can always head to one of the station’s alien quarters to enjoy a ‘psychic’ experience with an Olang mystic.[43]

  SAFETY FIRST

  By our standards at least, Outpost Bravo is an absolute death trap, with unshielded reactors, wonky airlocks and alarming structural weaknesses all over the place There are quite a lot of dangerous alien life forms stowed away in the recesses of the station too, either brought back as spores from away Missions or escaped from labs, so be sure to stick to well-lit areas when traversing the station. Most notably, some of the botany domes have been infested by Barbarians from the nearby moon of Grondorra, who insist on constantly pillaging crops, while there’s a cabal of vampires living in one of the engine rooms, feeding casually off the Space Man engineers. Nobody’s quite sure where they came from, but they’re bad news.

  DAY 5

  It’s worth taking a trip deep inside the station to view Outpost Alpha, the tiny asteroid where the original Space Man was stranded, and which has been kept intact at the heart of Bravo as a sort of memorial. There’s a neat recreation of the Space Man’s original rocketship, and a little exhibition about the settlement’s early days, as well as the Space Man’s SOS transponder, still broadcasting after all this time, with no reply from home.[44] Another must-visit location is the Bridge: a pod full of wheezing machinery and bleeping computer terminals that serves as the nerve centre of the whole Outpost. Here, dozens of Space Men rush around the haggard, chair-bound figure of the Captain, trying their best to do duties they barely understand. If you’re lucky enough to be there for a Red Alert, you may even get to experience ‘the shudders’: the entire structure is built on a bed of hydraulic springs, so it can jerk around with sparks flying out of every console during a crisis.

  — TESTIMONIALS —

  Outpost Bravo? Outpost their fucking bedtime, more like. I don’t know who sent these clowns to SPACE, but they’re made of the Wrong Stuff, and it’d be an act of mercy to take them back at this point. I wanted to take my grandson for an exciting retro sci-fi break, but I didn’t count on the kind of exciting that involves superheated steam and engines shaking themselves apart. These jokers want to spend less time being complete lunatics and more time fixing their bloody station. Nice views, though – I’ll give them that.

  — Roger Loaves, 72, Engineer

  Did anyone else find Outpost Bravo incredibly creepy, or was it just me? Seriously – that Outpost Alpha exhibition was properly sketchy about what happened in the early days, after that bloke got stranded on the asteroid. Was he really the sole survivor? What did he eat for all that time alone? And what’s the deal with all the ghosts? Don’t tell me it’s just the Space Men who see them – they’re everywhere in the deeper parts of the station.

  — Kelly Pigeon, 34, Artist

  My husband and I had a fantastic homestay with Gluthoor, a Klambian empath who runs a little boutique just off quadrant three of the hab-ring. They’ve knocked down a lot of the Space Men’s bulkheads to make a bit of room there, and it’s becoming quite a pleasant little district, with a park, a theatre and some decent shopping. We were lucky enough to be there when the station was passing a school of Astrocetaceans, and one came right past the window of our apartment. Unforgettable.

  — Maureen Bouffant, 43, Marketing Director

  DAY 6

  On your last day, it’s time to experience the void itself, as you rent a relatively safe SPACEsuit and head outside for a two-hour SPACEwalk. Most visitors opt to spend their walk staring at the stars in quiet contemplation while praying that the pump on the other end of the air hose doesn’t break down. However, if you’re more of an adventurous type, you can make a good few Starbucks by heading out with a rake and doing your best to dislodge some of the metal-eating starnacles that infest the station’s hull.

  2. THE PENULTIMATE FRONTIER:

  (2 SPACE WEEKS)

  Trekking with the Syndicate

  It’s all very well mucking around on Outpost Bravo, but if you want to see SPACE in style there’s simply no other way to do it than with one of the Syndicate’s legendary Captains.

  DAY 1

  After arrival at Outpost Bravo, hang out at the docking complex until you spot a crew of extremely professional-looking SPACEfarers in svelte jumpsuits, with colours corresponding to their jobs. This is the crew of Captain Tess Aquitaine, and they’ll be your hosts for the next few days. They’ll probably be negotiating a legal dispute with some sort of alien, but when they’re done, introduce you
rself and board their majestic Science Dreadnought, the SSD Intrepide.

  DAYS 2–5

  Once aboard, you’ll spend a couple of days being wowed by the Intrepide’s swanky interior, jazz-infused lounges and erotic hologram entertainment. Unfortunately, you won’t see much action. Although Eliza rates Aquitaine,[45] I think she’s dull as dust, as she solves every crisis she encounters with talking, and emotions other than rage. Still, this trip guarantees at least one CSS (Challenging SPACE Situation), chosen from the following list:

  Intervention in a civil war between two species of alien who share a planet but have different-coloured noses; they must learn to get along despite their differences.

  Capture of an away team by a giant blue octahedron; the shape only lets them escape once they discover the true meaning of compassion.

  Visit to the sad planet Lachrimosa, where the ship’s clown on the Intrepide, Blumboid, helps the gloomy Lachrimosans rediscover their sense of fun in time to avert the self-destruction of their world.

  Resolution of an interminable squabble between the bridge crew over who left the SPACEmilk out of the fridge.

  Floyd’s Tip

  Feel free to sleep through your assigned CSS: you won’t miss much. Pretty much all of the action on Aquitaine’s missions could just as easily take place in a supermarket as on a SPACEship, and you’ll be lucky even to see the lasers fire once. Even then it will be to do something soft like set off fireworks.

  DAY 6

  Captain Aquitaine will drop you off at Klapdran’s, a dilapidated SPACE pub (or SPACE bar ha!) in the outskirts of Chiasmus Quadrant,[46] where you’ll meet up with your second Captain (and by far my favourite) – the legendary Karl Bludgeon. When you meet Karl, he’ll almost certainly be having some gigabeers with the boys from the bridge and wearing some kind of badass jacket over his regulation tunic. Grab him a drink and wait for the inevitable fistfight with one of the pub’s rowdier alien groups to kick off. Karl will win.

  DAYS 7–11

  After boarding Karl’s ship (also confusingly called the Intrepide), you’ll meet its crew of handsome roustabouts, and join them for an altogether more boisterous tour of the stars. While Karl is bound to respect the ban on war enshrined in Syndicate law, he’s subject to a special exemption allowing him to have fist fights whenever he likes, so the CSS options on his part of the trip are considerably more exciting than Aquitaine’s:

  A trip to Blethrigar, homeworld of the Ranidans, where Karl will wander around aimlessly with a ripped shirt until one of the world’s rubbery inhabitants (who despise nudity) tries to lamp him. Then he has a fist fight and goes home.

  Crisis in which Karl’s Hephaestan first mate Hrup falls into the clutches of Hephaestan Shag Fever and won’t stop fucking a wardrobe. Karl tells him to cut it the hell out, but Hrup doesn’t listen, so they have a fist fight.

  Journey to a planet of purple-skinned aliens where women are treated as property. Karl fist fights its emperor in order to win the right to make out with as many consenting aliens as he likes. Nobody is freed, however.

  Encounter with a cloaked Olang warship threatening the Intrepide, until Karl dons his Nuclear Knuckledusters, leaves the airlock while holding his breath and has a fist fight with it.

  DAY 12

  After a brief detour that hardly bears mentioning,[47] the Intrepide will take you back to Outpost Bravo, from where you can return home, inspired by Bludgeon’s heroic services to the Syndicate.

  3. CONTRASTING SPACES:

  (5 OR 192 DAYS)

  Hard Vacuum and the Galaxy

  This itinerary might seem grim at the start, but the long haul is worth it, if only to appreciate the knockabout fun afterwards as you join the most enjoyable civil war in the Worlds.

  DAY 1

  Meet with the crew of Sisyphus VII, a joyless border outpost at the edge of Hard Vacuum, as it prepares the cargo ship Boulder 3 for yet another gruelling journey to Sisyphus VIII, the next station along the chain. The hard-faced, malnourished astronauts will give you interminable briefings about how dangerous SPACE is, but don’t listen to a word of it – no matter how much they want SPACE to be difficult and scary, it’s all just wishful thinking. Just give them a knowing smirk and move into your berth on the Boulder 3.

  DAYS 2–189

  While the journey to Sisyphus VIII could be achieved in minutes with even a low-end faster-than-light drive, the Hard Vacuumers insist on doing everything at sub-light speeds. This means you’re in for twenty-seven incredibly cramped, depressing weeks on a ‘real’ SPACE mission, cooped up with a load of humourless bores. You’re not even allowed to open a window to let the breeze in. You will come to be able to tell each crew member by the smell of their farts, and you will grow to hate them all.

  DAY 3 (OR DAY 190, IF YOU’RE HARDCORE)

  Luckily, when you can’t handle any more, and you feel The Madness might be closing in, you can bail out at any moment. I lasted until the second day of the voyage – but who knows, you might stick it out for longer!

  Either way, when you’re ready, punch the pre-agreed code into your SPACEphone and a battered freighter will show up in a blaze of light, having crossed the light years from its home port in a matter of moments. This will absolutely enrage the Hard Vacuumers, and they’ll bang on the windows of the Boulder to complain that FTL travel isn’t possible. After that, they’ll get even angrier when they realise the freighter’s pilot can hear them banging, and is laughing with derision. Take your leave of them, making sure to get your own back for the farts by leaving the door open on the way out.[48]

  Once aboard your new ride, you’ll meet its pilot – the dashing rogue Jimmo Smirk – and his nine-foot-tall dogman friend, Gnnnnnnnnngh. The pair are smugglers, flying right under the noses of the Dictatorship with a hold full of contraband, and they live aboard the ship with a Sword Monk whose name I can’t remember since he waved his hand in front of my face once too often.

  IN-FLIGHT ENTERTAINMENT

  While onboard, make sure to kick back and take advantage of the onboard creature comforts. You can play a sci-fi version of Connect 4, where the counters are little holographic monsters, or chat with what’s-his-name the Sword Monk about his bonkers religion. He might even cajole you into firing a handgun in the close confines of the guest lounge while wearing a blindfold, claiming it’s a mystical experience. Alternatively, switch on the megatelly and watch a SPACE Opera beamed directly from the Galactic Capital – I recommend The Saga of Nasty Daddy, a three-part epic following the life of the naughty boy who grew up to be the armoured colossus at the right hand of the Galactic Dictator himself.

  DAY 4

  On day five, Jimmo, Gnnnnnnnnngh and Thingy will take you to the Ves Banyopp Taverna, on the planet of Thrasheroo, for a big night out. Things will get hairy and limbs will be severed – the Sword Monk can’t hold his bloody drink at all – but by the end of the night you’ll all have declared each other best mates, and someone will have ended up nearly copping off with a relative. When Jimmo realises he’s way too pissed to fly his ship back to orbit, you’ll all climb inside a dead animal to stay warm for the night, and wake up feeling like death.

  DAY 5

  Honestly, Ves Banyopp was too much for me, and I had to head home at this point. I think I was meant to be going to some kind of swamp to learn sword fighting from a muppet, but I really couldn’t handle it on that level of hangover.

  WELCOME TO GRONDORRA!

  Wind-blasted plains, steaming jungles, peril and pleasure and awe: all await you on Grondorra! Here is a grandeur too brutal to be tamed, and where there is no beaten track – save that which you beat for yourself with the flat of a sword. It’s not an easy destination, but it never fails to reward the mighty.

  Why Grondorra!?[1]

  If destinations were meals, then perhaps Mittelvelde would be a hearty stew and Spume a rich bouillabaisse. Good, balanced dishes, nourishing the senses and the soul alike. Grondorra!, by contrast, would be a bucket of raw minc
e eaten with clenched fists at the heart of a thunderstorm. This primeval moon, at the heart of the Pulp Nebula, screams around the gas giant Grum in a cloud-scrapingly low orbit, packed with broadswords, magic, dinosaurs and (thanks to its situation within SPACE) ray guns and rocketships too. It’s old school, to say the least. And yet it commands such primal romance, such jagged authenticity that even self-proclaimed sceptics will find themselves drawn to return again and again.[2]

  Climate and Terrain

  Grondorra is girdled by the Great Plain, a lunar sea of parched grass, fraying occasionally into skeleton-haunted desert or parting around volcanic jungles. The Plain is pocked with the remnants of a thousand civilisations – some mere ruins, others still clinging to the stagnating decadence of former glory. But between them is only emptiness … and Barbarians.[3] Grondorra crashes regularly through Grum’s debris rings like a roustabout being hurled through a plate-glass window, plunging ordinary days into orbital bombardments of rock and ice. Volcanoes vent the moon’s guts as they compress under gravitic stress, while Moonquakes are near-constant, from minor trembles to city-swallowing cataclysms.[4] Still, there’s a fun side to it all: Grondorra’s tiny size gives it extremely low gravity, meaning even complete duffers can run marathons with ease here. Even better, the planetary radiation that gives such ‘dramatic’[5] sun tans also paints breathtaking aurorae across the night sky, allowing for some ‘oohs’ and ‘aahs’ to go with all the ‘AAAARRGHs’ on your holiday.