Blind Man's Bluff

by Gene Lembrick

  Dominic returns the chair he’s sitting in to the recline position. “I feel like shit!” he says.

  “Excuse me, sir?” Mrs. Hernandez asks, her hands on her hips.

  “Sorry, ma’am.”

  While still playing the video game against Brandon, Chris asks, “Where did that term come from?”

  “What?” Brandon asks.

  “Excuse me, Mrs. Hernandez, but ‘shit.’”

  Brandon gives him a quick look as if he’s nuts, but continues to play on.

  “Think about it,” says Chris. “Does it have feelings? How do we know how it feels? How do we know it doesn’t feel good to itself? How do we not know it doesn’t love how it feels? Who are we to say that it doesn’t like how it feels. Just exactly we’re did that term come from?”

  Chris looks over at everyone staring at him with their mouths wide open, including Mrs. Hernandez. Eventually heads shake in disbelief.

  “You have the IQ of a footprint,” says Brandon. “However, you always think that you’re the smartest guy in the room. I’ll tell you what; I’ll give you a chance to win your money back.”

  “I’m game, and what’cha got for me?”

  “Angel,” says Brandon, “can I get an egg and a bowl?”

  Angel comes back into the living room with both. “Here.”

  “All, right, Mr. Know-it-all,” says Brandon, “here’s a simple, regular egg. No trick egg, since you saw that Angel got it from his refrigerator. If you can break this egg by squeezing it in the palm of one of your hands, I’ll give you back your five dollars. As a matter of fact, I’ll throw in another five dollars on top. If not, I’ll get five dollars more from you. Deal?”

  Brandon puts two five-dollar bills onto the coffee table. Chris puts a five from his pocket onto the table.

  “Are you serious?” asks Chris. “This will be the easiest money I’ve ever made.”

  Brandon smirks. Angel and Dominic move away from Chris, expecting him to break the egg all over himself. Chris begins to squeeze and squeeze with all his might; however, he has no success breaking the egg. Brandon busts out laughing.

  “Thank you very much for this donation,” he says.

  “What gives? Did you switch eggs? This must be a trick egg or something,” says Chris.

  Brandon takes the bowl and cracks the egg into it. He continues to laugh at Chris.

  “Naw, son, just a regular egg. You should pay attention in science class.”

  “Interesting, Mr. Turner,” says Mrs. Hernandez. “However, you break it you eat it.”

  “Yes, ma’am.” He drinks the egg from the bowl. It’s no big deal to Brandon since he puts raw eggs into his protein drinks every morning.

  Mrs. Hernandez goes back upstairs. Dominic reclines back and drifts off into a sleep as Brandon and Chris continue to play the game. Angel gets up and goes to the kitchen, where Jesus is cooking.

  “Jesus, pass me the white out,” says Angel.

  Jesus takes it out of one of the drawers and flips it to his brother. Then Angel begins to paint Dominic’s fingernails white as he sleeps; Brandon and Chris quietly laugh.

  While the boys are in the living room, Jesus is plotting a prank of his own. He pulls out a box of oatmeal cream pies. He takes out six pies and carefully opens up three of them. He scrapes off the cream in the middle and replaces it with toothpaste. He then reseals the plastic around the pies with a machine their mother got for Christmas. Jesus then puts three good pies with the three sabotaged pies onto a plate. Mrs. Hernandez comes downstairs to grab her burger, then takes one of the pies while Jesus is in the living room delivering burgers to Chris, Dominic, and his brother. Mrs. Hernandez heads back upstairs. Jesus wakes up Dominic, who’s not happy once he sees his fingernails.

  “Dammit, Angel!” He figures it was Angel since the other funny man was cooking in the kitchen.

  “You snooze, you lose, son,” Angel says.

  Jesus goes back into the kitchen for the plate of pies. He hands one to Angel and sets the plate on the coffee table. The boys grab one each. Jesus sits next to his brother, and gives him a nudge.

  “What the hell!” Brandon says.

  “Dammit!” says Chris.

  Angel and Jesus are cracking up with laughter, while eating non-tampered-with oatmeal pies. They both look at Dominic, assuming he had a bad pie as well. However, they notice that he’s enjoying his pie just fine.

  “Jesus!” Mrs. Hernandez yells from upstairs.

  “It’s time to go, fellas. Someone’s in trouble,” says Brandon.

  Brandon, Chris, and Dominic head for the door to leave. Dominic is still pissed at Angel. Dominic cups his hand over his own butt, passes gas into his hand, and quickly shoves it into Angel’s mouth. A coughing Angel says, “Stop playing!”

  It’s in the Stars

  Later that Friday night, Lucy arrives at Brandon’s parents’ home. His parents are upstairs giving him and his girlfriend a little bit of privacy. It’s Lucy birthday. Just as she arrives, he brings out some hotdogs for them to eat together.

  “Happy Birthday! Come in!” says Brandon, when the doorbell rings.

  “Thank you!”

  Brandon is playing Mariah Carey’s “I’ll Be Lovin’ U Long Time.”

  “I see you remembered my favorite song,” says Lucy, then looks up at the ceiling above the dinner table and is delighted to find shiny silver stars hanging by a thread. Brandon wouldn’t allow a rainy night ruin their evening, so he went to a party supply store earlier to buy a bag of stars. His mother helped string them up.

  “What is this?” a blushing Lucy asks.

  “Well, since it’s drizzly outside, I thought we’d eat under the stars, indoors.”

  “Aww, Amor, Amor Mio, that’s so sweet! Besarte es com over las estrellas! To kiss you is like seeing stars!”

  They embrace and share a brief kiss.

  “There’s a saying that love is blind,” says Brandon, “and I believe it’s true because with my eyes closed I can still see you. I missed you, baby.”

  “I miss you too, Papi. This is the second year in a row that it rained on my birthday.”

  “I’ll say that’s a good sign.”

  “How do you figure that?”

  “I believe that heaven is shedding tears because its number-one angel isn’t with them.”

  “You are so sweet! Tell me about your recruiting trips with your father over the summer.”

  Brandon gives Lucy a run-down; however, he doesn’t share some of the interesting father and son discussions.

  • • •

  Flashback

  “The University of Michigan was nice, Dad,” says Brandon. “How much longer will it be before we get home?”

  “Now that we’ve passed Detroit, it’s around eleven to twelve hours drive to get home,” says Mr. Turner.

  “Cool,” says Brandon.

  “Look here, Brandon,” his father had said, “women will come for you left and right, and men as well will try to get next to you. Stay humble, but be careful. If you’re on a date, trying to get to know a girl, and if she invites you over for dinner, don’t ever eat anything she prepares that has red sauce! It could be her time of the month. Know what I mean?”

  “That’s gross, dad,” Brandon responds!

  “If she likes you a lot, she may just put a little extra love into the spaghetti to put a spell on your ass! That’s why they say the best way to a man’s heart is his stomach. I’ve heard stories from my father about these things. Your grandfather said he’s known men preparing to get married, but they have no idea how the hell they got to that point. You never know! In some cases it doesn’t even have to be prepared with red sauce. I’ve heard women casting a spell through a guy’s meal.”

  “lways protect yourself, because one day you’ll like to get married to a spe
cial woman. The last thing that you’ll want to do is to be linked to a common BM with a child from a woman that you don’t intend to marry!”

  “A baby mama, dad?”

  “No, the other BM, a bowel movement!”

  “What?”

  “You’ll be happily married and this BM will take you to court every few years because she’s pissed that you didn’t choose her to marry! Every time that BM takes you to court and you read that letter of her’s from the court requesting to up that child support, you’ll say to your wife, ‘That piece of work wants more money,’ a.k.a. BM!”

  After Brandon composes himself from laughter, he asks, “Is that how it is with Yolvone’s mother?”

  “I love your big sister Yolvone with all my heart, but her mother and I have had our problems. Yes, she’s my BM. She’s never gotten over that I met your mother and wanted to spend my life with her. You got to be careful, son, whom you lay with. There are two things in this world that could hurt you or kill you. There are so many STDS out there that could seriously hurt you, but if you get a baby mama or BM, that could kill you!”

  Brandon can’t control his laughter; however, Mr. Turner never cracks a smile.

  “So, dad, do you have any tips on how to get the ladies? Lucy is my baby, but you never know what could happen in the future.”

  “Sure, I do,” says Mr. Turner. “I was the man when I was your age! I got my own personal three-step process. If she gives you a chance then step one is to intrigue her mind. Women love to learn or see new things. If you could teach her something minor or major, it could lead to step two. If you can intrigue her, then step two is you’ll capture her heart.”

  Brandon is all ears, absorbing every word from his father’s mouth. He’s as wide eyed as a child on Christmas morning.

  “Okay, dad, and three?”

  “Once you get her heart, then step three is the completion. Her body will follow; you’ll have that woman completely.”

  “That’s some grown-man stuff, dad!”

  Mr. Turner adds, “Also, don’t let a woman’s appearance fool you. If she claims to be 20 because her body looks it, but her face looks like 15, follow your gut because she’s a baby. If you listen to her talk, you’ll be able to tell that she’s a child. Getting between her legs isn’t worth four years prison!”

  “Okay, so what about the women who look young, but you’re not sure of their age?”

  “Look at her hands,” Mr. Turner says.

  “Her hands?”

  “Yes, look at her hands because the hands never lie. A woman could look like she’s 28 years old in her face; however, her hands are saying that she’s in her mid-40’s. Most women try to take care of their hands, but they still can’t stop the aging in them. The only woman that could fool you is if she has a job like a mechanic or has some type of skin disorder. It’s disrespectful to ask a woman her age unless she’s a good friend. This way you don’t have to ask and she’ll never know that you’ve already figured it out.”

  “Wow, that’s deep!” Brandon says.

  “Women are sensitive about their age once they hit 30. You’ll also see as you get older that if a woman approaches an age that ends with zero, it’s a major life-changing moment for her. Your mom was telling people that she was 29 for damn near three years! She had me scratching my head to the point where I almost started to believe her.”

  Brandon and Mr. Turner share a laugh together. Brandon’s father is giving priceless information.

  “Oh yeah, here’s my jam,” says Mr. Turner. “They don’t make music like this anymore!”

  Mr. Turner cranks up the volume to the ‘80s song, “Oh, Sheila” by Ready for the World. Brandon knows that any and all conversation will end until his father gets his moment of glory to pretend that he’s the group’s lead singer Melvin Riley.

  “Oh, baby, love me right, let me love you till I get it right,” sings Mr. Turner. “C’mon, boy, help me out,” he says, “I’m no solo act, we’re a group.”

  Brandon looks and laughs at his dad and thinks, Pops is wildin., I’m surprised he hasn’t started banging on the dashboard as is if it’s a set of drums. Oops, I spoke too soon, there he goes. Brandon shakes his head at his father as he pays Brandon no never mind and continues to sing.

  “Oh, oh, Sheila Let me love you till the morning comes. Oh, oh, Sheila, you know I want to be the only one.”

  “Oh, so you can stay in my pockets on a daily with all the money I’m spending on these recruiting trips, but you’re too good to sing with your old man?” Mr. Turner asks. “Driving on interstate 75 is just the beginning of a long ride home,” says Mr. Turner.

  “Oh, baby, it’s plain to see that you’re qualified to fill your needs,” sings Mr. Turner.

  Brandon gets a kick out of how happy his dad seems. Deep down he knows he’s right. He thinks, These recruiting trips are costing my parents a pretty penny and all my dad wants is for me to sing a song that he knows damn well I know the words to, that I’ve only heard him sing a few hundred times. It’s funny how I’m a ‘90s baby, but know ‘80s music as if it’s today’s.

  Brandon finally caves in and joins in with his dad.

  “Oh, oh, Sheila, let me love you till the morning comes.”

  Mr. Turner looks at Brandon and says, “Yeah, that’s what I’m talking about!”

  Both are bobbing their heads while Mr. Turner bangs on the dashboard, cruising down I-75 south.

  “Oh, oh, Sheila, you know I want to be the only one.”

  • • •

  Back to the Present

  Lucy looks out of the living room window.

  “Baby, it stopped raining. Let’s go to the Big E instead of the movies.”

  “The Big E.?” he asks. “You mean the exposition fair in West Springfield, Massachusetts? That’s about thirty minutes away.”

  “Well, I’m the birthday girl. So for my day I want a caramel apple and to ride the Ferris wheel with you. That fair only comes around for a few weeks every fall and I can’t recall the last time I’ve been there.”

  Lucy gives him her version of a pouty sad face. “Pretty please with sugar on top.”

  “Sure.”

  “Mom, Dad, I’m heading out for a few hours. Lucy and I are going to the Big E.,” Brandon yells upstairs.

  “Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Turner,” yells Lucy.

  Mrs. Turner comes out of her bedroom to the top of the stairs to speak to her son and Lucy before they leave. “Happy Birthday, Lucy!” she says.

  “Thank you, and I loved the stars! This is the best birthday ever!”

  “You’re welcome! Brandon, be a gentleman. Don’t get home too late; have fun.”

  “Yes, Ma.”

  Brandon borrows his parents’ car and they head out. The rain has stopped; it’s now a foggy evening.

  Brandon opens the car door to allow her into the passenger seat. Once Brandon gets into the car, he turns on his mp3 player and asks Lucy a question that’s become very familiar to her.

  “All right, you ready?”

  Lucy looks at him with an are-you-serious look. Brandon plays the song “What Cha Gonna Do With My Lovin” by Stephanie Mills.

  “Are you really serious? Are you going to do this every time we go out somewhere?”

  “Oh, so you thought I was joking? Every time we go out, I want you to sing a verse of the chorus of this song to me. Besides, you’re a teenage girl, you guys are singing all the time.”

  “Hey, I’m the birthday girl; shouldn’t you be doing the singing?”

  Brandon laughs and says, “But I’m driving. All right, here’s your part.”

  Lucy caves in, and says, “All right, already.” She gives a mock grunt of frustration ugh and says, “You’re a trip, Turner,” even as she casts him a sexy look. She makes her hair look messy by running her hands through its
long locks.

  Feel the love in me, tell me what cha gonna do with my lovin,’ I’m crazy ‘bout your smilin’ eyes. What cha gonna do with my lovin’, please don’t make me fantasize. What cha gonna do with my lovin’? Tell me now!

  Brandon is enticed by Lucy’s every word. To him she’s the hottest woman on the planet; her performance makes him feel like he’s the luckiest male on earth.

  “Music to my ears and I know you enjoyed it, didn’t-ya?”

  “It’s cute. Here, take my mp3 player and download me your music. Don’t you think I should practice for my next performance?”

  “Baby, you mean to tell me that you could take it up another notch?”

  Lucy playfully shakes her shoulders, and says, “Maybe.”

  She looks at him over her left shoulder and with her hair slightly covering her left eye. She wiggles her index finger for him to come to her, and he does. They share a kiss in a car that hasn’t left his driveway yet. The windows are now foggy from the heat generated by their passion. She pulls away, realizing that his parents could see them. Mrs. Turner adores Lucy; she wants to keep it that way.

  “Timeout, Turner. We need to stop. Your parents could catch us, plus I want my caramel apple you’ve promised.”

  “You’re right, but damn, you make it so hard.”

  “Do you want to go inside for a quick cold shower?” She couldn’t help but laugh at him.

  “No, I’m good. Put your seatbelt on, and let’s go, smart ass.”

  She playfully sticks her tongue out at her. He returns the favor. He puts the car in drive to head toward interstate 91 north for West Springfield.

  Lucy begins to scan through radio stations. Once she hears the song “Latch” by Disclosure featuring Sam Smith, her search ends. She grabs Brandon’s right hand that’s resting on the middle cushion to hold. As she squeezes his hand with both of hers, she leans back into her seat with her eyes closed humming the tune and only clearly repeating one word to the song as Brandon drives through the misty streets.

  “Hum, hum, hum, never. Hum, hum, hum, never. Hum, hum, hum, never.”