The Surgeon Was a Lady

by Paul Kelly

  “Well now Willie... that’s the last thing you should be thinking about at a time like this. I’m grateful, of course... but another time would have done. You know that.”

  “There won’t be another time, Ted,” she answered softly, “This is my last visit... the cheque will cover all expenses I’m sure... and a little more besides.”

  He looked down at the envelope and then at Willie before a broad smile crept over his large round shiny face.

  “Normally I would try to persuade you to change your mind... you know that, but in your case Willie, I think you’ve come to the right decision... You don’t need me any more... nor any other psychiatrist for that matter, but I’m sorry you had to swallow such a bitter pill to arrive at your conclusion.”

  Willie tried to smile, but the muscles around her mouth twitched and she delved into her handbag again.

  “I’m not gonna cry, Ted. I’m not gonna screw things up now when I’ve come so far dry-eyed, but I think just knowing Paul... and I mean knowing him, made me realize what a fool I’ve been. You never miss the water till the well runs dry... they say and I know how true that old saying is. I tried to change my ways when I eventually understood his values... his quality of life which was so alien to mine... but it was just too late. I just wish I had seen clearer and earlier, the way my life was taking me and how it was taking me away from Paul... but then, you never do see, do you? You never see yourself as you truly are... I mean, that lady who just left your office probably imagines she’s a delicate little six stone flower, eh and nimble-footed with it, by the way she minced out with Baloo whatever she called her under her arm. Ted laughed and stroked his scalp to ensure that his hair flap was intact and Monica came in with the coffee.

  “Brought another one for you too, Doctor... Thought you might like it.” she said and grinned at Willie as she left the office. Willie thanked her and pondered as she thought again about Paul. She looked at her nails, but there was no light in her eye any more.

  “What... may I ask... are your plans now Willie?” Ted asked and she raised her eyes to look out of the window. She wasn’t sure herself, so how could she answer him?

  “I’m not sure Ted. I really am not sure... When I stood at the funeral and watched Paul’s body being lowered into the ground, I just wanted to get down there with him... but as always and with my usual contradictory ways... I decided that I would go straight home and have a nice long soak in the bath; et dressed in my very best togs, lie down on my bed with a fistful of pills and a good stiff whiskey... and end it all.”

  Sutherland leaned forward with his elbows on his desk and studied Willie with great concern when she said that, but she could see his obvious anxiety and she raised her hand in the air slowly.

  “Don’t worry, Ted... I’m still here as you can see... but you know what they say, don’t you... about suicide? You either have to be round the bend or very heroic to top yourself, but I didn’t feel I fell into either of those categories... unless love could substitute for both... I remember looking at my face in the mirror...” She laughed lightly before she went on... “Just to see if I was frothing at the mouth, or something... but I wasn’t... I looked perfectly calm... well, at least I thought so and I looked at my hands. They were steady... I didn’t have the shakes... Ted. I just decided I’d had enough. I was sick of life and what it had to offer until I had my love for Paul restored... and I knew that I couldn’t ever have the life that we had planned together... I wanted to share everything with him and now death had visited us, so why not share that too, I thought.”

  Ted played with a pencil on his desk pad. It was too late to bother about his tape recorder now.

  “What made you decide not to do it, Willie?” he asked as he doodled indiscriminately on his pad and Willie looked at him with such calm and tranquil expression on her face that he wondered how she would answer.

  “I doubt if you’d believe me if I told you, Ted, but of course, you have to remember that by that time. The time when he died... I had lived with Paul and loved him. I knew... for the first time in my life what love was all about, but I was quite unaware that I had adopted some of Paul’s tranquillity of spirit... something that I had always admired in him, although the admiration showed itself as jealousy in the earlier years of marriage and I regarded those same qualities as utter rubbish... because it suited my Ego... I didn’t have them and therefore they were no use... and should be destroyed to avoid my pain. It was as simple as that. Destroy what you can’t have... even if you see it as good. It could be good in you, but not in others... it was just a waste of a talent. It was pure jealousy on my part. But by this time, there was a strength in me that wanted to live no more... and yet that same strength would not allow me to die. It’s my contradictions again, Ted...”

  Ted Sutherland began to wonder who was the psychiatrist... Was it Willie or he.

  “And now...” he asked.

  “Now,” she repeated... “Go on living, I suppose but with Paul’s philosophy of life... not mine any more. I miss him Ted. Don’t think I’m over the loss. I cry buckets when I’m alone, but somehow I feel that Paul comforts me in my grief. He used to hate to see me cry and I can feel him near me sometimes, when we talk together... in silence... just as we did once with his fingers... “

  Sutherland smiled and his mouth went to one side as if he wanted to control his own emotions. It was longer than he could remember... when he last cried.

  “So this is good-bye Willie?”

  She rose from where she had been sitting and held out her hand.

  “Yes Ted... but thanks for all your help. I really needed it, didn’t I?” she said and he shrugged his shoulders as he pursed his lips.

  “We’ll miss you, Willie... Monica an’ me...” he said as Willie put her fingers to her lips.

  “Oh, I nearly forgot. I don’t want to embarrass Monica, but will you please give her this?” She handed Ted another envelope and walked towards the door, but he rushed past her to open it.

  “Good-bye Willie.”

  “Bye Ted.”

  As she walked past Monica in the Reception room, Willie smiled and her eyes sparkled, as the door closed behind her and Ted stood tapping Monica’s envelope in his hand.

  “That was one very fine lady... that was,” he said and his voice shook a little. “Here.” He passed the envelope to Monica and she took it with surprise as Ted went back into his office shaking his head and muttering to himself. “Never ever did meet a lady surgeon before,” he said “And that surgeon sure was a lady...”

  ***

  Willie left Sutherland’s surgery with a sad heart, for this was one chapter in her life that had ended quite differently from what she had imagined. When she had first decided to go and see a psychiatrist, she had hoped that he or she might be able to help her to understand herself and to cope with her marriage... or at least to point her in some direction where she could see some sanity in her wild life. She had been living on a love-hate see-saw and she was fed up with her own moody ways, fluctuating as they did. She looked back at the brass plate outside Ted’s door as she went down the stairs to the street and wondered how she would cope... Now that she was free... but she never felt so vulnerable before in all her life. She had emptied herself of all that she considered to be a waste of time... all the dross... but hadn’t she thrown the baby out with the bath water? She was empty now, as she stood out there on the steps. She was a shell, where the slightest gust of wind could knock her over and crack her open. She had made her final Good- byes now to all those who had tried to help her and she was on her own from that moment on. She would have to manage.

  As she reached the last step, she could see Monica looking at her, peeping anxiously and with curiosity from behind the lace curtains. In a second, the curtains closed again and swayed slightly in the wind.

  ***

  Willie walked
slowly along the street and headed straight for the garden square where she had sat alone with her thoughts on the seat where Brian had sworn his eternal love to Elizabeth. The inscription was still there... but she wondered about the eternal love as she sat down, pressing her back against the arrowed heart and wishing that some of the hope from the two young lovers would rub off on her.

  She wished she could have had a life like Monica or some other girl like her, who had a nine-to-five job, with no real serious commitments to life or limb... or her fellow man. A girl who could lacquer her nails as often as she wished and who could change the colour to match her dress and her mood. Such luxuries were not for Wilhelmina Fehrenbach... for hers was a sterile life of surgery where everything was virgin white and scrubbed clean... without colour other than RED... She longed to be free from exploring the brain and just wanted to run home at the end of a carefree day to a plumber husband... or a carpenter or whatever any ordinary upstanding man did for a living...

  There were none of these things in her life and no possibility that she would ever achieve such an ambition. Alright... so she had a wonderful life to all appearances and there were many who would envy her. She had everything. She wanted for nothing... Only an identity of her own...

  “Why couldn’t they have told me earlier?” she sobbed as she reflected again on her famous father and her indolent mother... “Why couldn’t they have told me that I was only a substitute for the real thing... for the real love of their lives and that my birth being the accident it was, had suited their purpose so well. I was born at the right moment and on the right day... For them. I was a substitute for the ‘real thing’ a sham... an intruder... A bloody bastard.” She shouted her last words aloud unafraid that anyone should hear, for she was beyond caring and she sat alone, hunched up on the park bench and snivelled, feeling lonely and cold... utterly miserable and with only one wish on her mind... to be with Paul. She hung her head and cried bitterly, taking no heed of a little boy who suddenly appeared standing before her. She dried her eyes and tried to smile as he looked up at her; his head cocked to one side with innocent, large brown eyes, standing alone in the silence of the park. His eyes brought back memories... poignant memories and she wanted to look away.

  “Why are you crying, lady?” the little boy asked after a few moments of silent observation where he looked at her with concern. She wanted to answer him so that he would go away, but her voice had gone somewhere for a walk... and anyway, how could a child understand what she was suffering? What was he?... Who was he and how old did she think he might be? Seven or eight years old, she guessed. How would he understand what she was going through... the agony... the desolation of heart? “Is it because you’ve lost something?” he asked and Willie stared at him in disbelief, but before she could find any words to say, he spoke again. “I have lost my football... that’s why I’m crying. Have you seen it anywhere, lady?”

  She smiled and blinked and a warm tear fell down her cheek.

  “No... I haven’t seen it,” she said slowly and it seemed to her that someone had spoken for her. Her voice sounded hollow. It wasn’t her normal voice... She looked about her... near the seat and underneath, but she could see nothing of the football.

  “It must be about somewhere. It couldn’t just have disappeared, could it, lady?”

  “Was it very expensive? Couldn’t you get another one?” she asked forgetting her own problem for the moment.

  “I don’t know what it costs. My daddy gave it to me last Christmas.”

  Willie leaned down towards the small boy.

  “Can’t you ask your daddy what it cost and perhaps you could save up your pocket money and get another one, eh?”

  The little boy screwed up his face and shook his head slowly.

  “I can’t ask him... and anyway, I don’t want another one. I want the one he gave me. It’s very special to me.”

  “Why can’t you ask him?”

  The little boy bent down to pull up his sock which had ridden down to his ankle.

  “Because he’s dead... He’s gone to heaven, that’s why,” he replied sadly and Willie was lost for words. She wanted to hug the little lad, who ran off before she could do anything more to help him, but two minutes after he had gone, the football fell from a branch of the tree that sheltered her where she sat.

  “It’s here...” she called out, “It’s here... I’ve found it. Come back... It’s here.”

  She ran after the child and gave him his ball back, but his little lips trembled as he took it from her and then he ran away again.

  “Thank you... thank you,” he shouted as he ran, “I knew I would find it. My daddy would have found it. He would never give up.”

  At that moment, it began to rain and she had no umbrella with her, but somehow as she thought of the little boy who had found his football again, she didn’t feel the rain as she would normally have done and she started to walk back to the hospital and to her flat there.

  She smiled and held her head high, looking up at the sky and catching the raindrops as they fell on her face. She looked back for a moment and saw again the carved heart with the arrow of love and thought again of Brian and Elizabeth. Would they ever come back to that seat again? Would they ever just?... but she hoped if they did, they would come together and as she shook her head, the dew fell from her eyelashes... and she had an uncontrollable urge to skip

  She wanted to remember all the good things that had happened in her life... and a little boy who had lost his football and found it again... and all because he believed that he would.

  “I will find you again, my darling. I don’t know how or where or when, but I will... I know I will.”

  Her voice echoed in her ears as she walked.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  “I suppose I’d better think of moving on now Danny... I don’t think I’ll be needed here any more, will I?”

  Seyone spoke softly as Danny was preparing lunch in the kitchen. She was troubled... She didn’t want Seyone to go, but she realized that the situation had changed... now that Paul was no longer with them.

  “Hadn’t you better see Willie first... and ask her what you should do?” she asked, but Seyone only grinned.

  “I don’t want to start all that up again,” he chuckled and stuck his finger into the bowl of stuff that Danny was mixing furiously. She slapped his wrist and he made a mock protest against her cruelty... as she wiped her hands on her apron.

  “You know, Seyone... when I first came here, I didn’t particularly like Willie as a person, but the job was good... It suited me... and of course, I liked Paul. I think I even hated her at times and yet now... I feel so sorry for her. When are you going to tell her Seyone?”

  “What? Tell her what?”

  “You know... about you and her... about your relationship together.”

  Seine shook his head and smacked his lips with the last fingerful of the pastry from the mixing bowl.

  “Danny... Paul has gone and like you, my job is finished here. I’ll be gone before she knows it and anyway, what good would it do to tell her all that stuff now? Why should I upset her?... I think it’s best to let sleeping dogs lie.”

  Danny began to cry.

  “But Seyone... I don’t want you to go... Not yet, until we find out what Willie wants. She has changed a lot in the last few days and she may even need us... for a little longer anyway. She’s so lonely... So vulnerable... I don’t think she would be upset if you told her.”

  “Please don’t cry, Danny... I hate to see you crying... and anyway, you know how she felt about... about the man she thought was her father... The man who adopted her. She put him on a pillar... Her whole life as a surgeon has been built around an adoration of this man... No, I don’t think it would be a good idea to tell her anything of the past. It could ruin her life... as she knows it now... I won’t
do it... No, I won’t.”

  “But Seyone, you are her brother. Surely she has the right to know of your existence?”

  “Half-brother, Danny... and don’t forget that. She has much more to lose than I have, if I told her. I was the one who was born on the right side of the blanket, remember. No, I can’t hurt her by telling her anything about that part of her life. It would serve no useful purpose now. She should be allowed to regard the Reinhardts as her true parents.”

  ***

  Willie had just stuck her key in the front door lock when Danny opened it for her.

  “That was good timing, Danny. How are you? Are you alright?

  “I’m fine... but more to the point... How are you?”

  Willie pulled her lilac chiffon scarf from her neck with a faint swishing movement.

  “Got a bit of a headache... but otherwise I’m OK.”

  Danny took her coat as she slipped it from her shoulders.

  “Oh dear... You’ve caught the shower, haven’t you. Your coat is wet. Why don’t you go into the lounge and I’ll bring you in a nice cup of tea. The fire’s on in there.”

  Willie closed her eyes and beamed a large smile.

  “The cup that cheers... wherever you go in the world, isn’t it? Will you join me Danny?”

  Danny hung Willie’s coat in the hall to dry by the radiator. “Sure,” she said, “If you want me to?”

  “Yes... yes, I would like that. Oh and can you bring the aspirins with you, please?”

  “Sure will... and you’ll find your slippers by the fire.”

  ***

  Willie sipped her tea with relish and with her eyes closed... Each sip made her sigh with pleasure. “Lovely, lovely... but oh... what a headache I’ve got,” she said as she stretched her arms above her head. Danny sat opposite on the settee waiting and wondering... waiting for anything that Willie might say... and wondering if her services would be required any more now that Paul was not with them.