Short & Tall Tales in Goose Pimple Junction

by Amy Metz

  She got down on her knees so she could look him in the eye. “I’ll give it some serious consideration.” Then she kissed him.

  A week later, she still had not made up her mind. As she walked to work, an unusual number of people were walking toward her on the sidewalk, and they all had on the same T-shirt in an unusual shade of coral. As she approached the bookstore, a dozen people mingled out front, all wearing the same coral T-shirt.

  Then she heard someone say, “She’s coming.” They suddenly turned their backs to her and formed a line, shoulder to shoulder, so that their shirts spelled out MARRY ME, TESS! The same people who had passed her on the sidewalk a minute ago all stood on the opposite street corner. They too had their backs to her, and each of their shirts said: SAY YES, TESS!

  As everyone began clapping, she hurried inside and ran smack into Jack, who was waiting just inside the door. He too was wearing a coral T-shirt that said: SAY YES, TESS.

  “You’ve got the whole town involved in your proposal now?

  “Well, I wasn’t doing so hot on my own,” he joked, as Louetta and Pickle, also wearing coral T-shirts and big smiles, came from the back room.

  Louetta walked toward them with her finger pointed at Tess. “Tess Tremaine, you won’t find a better man than this one here,” her finger moved from Tess’s direction to Jack’s and back again, “and you know it. I swan, if you don’t hurry up and say yes, I’m gonna steal him out from under you.”

  “And I might just let her too.” Jack put his arm around Louetta and squeezed her into his side.

  “Well, then there’s only one thing I can say.” Tess began walking toward the back room.

  Jack spoke up. “So that’s a yes?”

  She stopped walking and turned around to face him. Walking back to stand before him, she cupped his cheek and said, “I hope you two will be very happy.” Then she turned on her heel and walked away.

  For three days, everywhere she went, someone had on a coral T-shirt with SAY YES, TESS! written on the back. And it seemed that everywhere she looked, she saw the same message written:

  with magnets on the refrigerator

  with a glass pen on the diner’s front window

  inside her menu at the Silly Goose

  on her paper cup from the Muffin Man

  spelled out with green peppers on a pizza

  on the table spelled out in Cheerios

  One day, every person she ran into handed her a flyer that said: SAY YES, TESS! By the end of the day, she had a ream or more of flyers. She tried to form Team Tess and have them spread the message, GET BACK, JACK, but everyone was on Jack’s side.

  Finally, on a hot day in late August, she was gathering her things to go home when Louetta handed her a hard copy of The Princess Bride. When she looked quizzically at Lou, her friend bobbed her head at the book and said, “Open it.” Inside, she found a note:

  Twu wuv…you are my twu wuv…if you were a book, I’d read you all night. Now go to Slick & Junebug’s Diner.

  “What in the Sam Hill – ”

  Louetta folded her arms. “You best be getting on to the diner, missy.”

  Tess walked out into the soup that used to be air and felt like she waded down the sidewalk to Slick & Junebug’s Diner. Walking into the restaurant, she thought about the first time, and all of the subsequent times, she and Jack had come here to eat. She sat down at the counter next to Earl.

  Clive was on Earl’s other side, and he leaned over his friend to tell Tess, “You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter, you know that? What’s the matter with you? When you gonna say yes to that man?”

  Tess raised her eyebrows. “Seriously? He sent me over here to get a lecture from you gentlemen?”

  Junebug stepped up to the counter, holding a paper napkin. “No, he did not. He sent you here for this.”

  The napkin said:

  I love you more than a fat kid loves cake. Now kindly go to the Muffin Man.

  Junebug handed her a cupcake with the word “YES” spelled out on top in frosting. “Give him this, sugar. Put the man out of his misery.”

  She walked to the Muffin Man thinking about the first time she and Jack ever talked to one another in that very coffee shop. At the counter, the barista handed her a paper cup with lemonade tea inside. Written on the outside was:

  You’re the cream in my coffee, the sugar in my tea. I sure wish you would marry me. Next stop: the Silly Goose.

  She just shook her head and headed for the Silly Goose, thinking about all the romantic dinners they’d had at that restaurant. Inside, the hostess handed her a candle with a slip of paper curled around it. She unrolled it and read:

  You are the light to my candle. Now please go to Fern & Moody’s.

  Fern & Moody’s General Store was the specialty store where they always got their picnic lunches. At Fern & Moody’s, she was given an apple with a note tied to a string, which was attached to the stem. The note said:

  You are the apple to my pie. See? There is pie! Next stop: the Second National Bank.

  Tess walked to the bank, thinking about the robbery that occurred there in 1932 and how that one event brought her and Jack together. The main teller was Dee Dee, a dour, grumpy woman who always wore a sour expression.

  “Ya ain’t gonna get rich with that’n, that’s for sure.” She handed Tess a bank envelope. Inside was a penny and a note:

  You’re the copper to my penny. If I had a penny for every person I’ve met who makes me feel the way you do, I’d have exactly one cent. Marry me, woman! If you’re still unsure, please go to the Pure Oil Gas Station.

  The gas station. That frightening day when she and Martha Maye were trapped came rushing to her thoughts. Then she remembered flying out the door and into Jack’s arms. Jeb Crowley, the owner of the filling station, was washing a windshield in the full-service lane while the car’s tank filled with gas. He looked up as Tess approached and shook his head.

  “I don’t have the foggiest idea what that man is up to, but he said to give you this.“ He reached into his pocket and pulled out an object wrapped in paper. She unwrapped it and found a spark plug and a note that said:

  You are the spark to my plug. Okay, I’m reaching on this one. Help me out and say yes.

  Tess looked up at Jeb, and he said, “He said to tell you if you still won’t say yes – and woman, why you wouldn’t say yes is beyond me – but he said to tell you to go to Doc’s Hardware.”

  She walked in a fog to the hardware store. How can anyone be sure in just a couple of months?

  Inside the store, Doc gave her a box, and inside it was a small metal spring with a tag attached that said:

  You’re the spring to my step. Now spring on over to the gazebo.

  Walking toward the gazebo in the town green, she saw that the area was practically deserted. Her eyes went to the gazebo, and there stood Jack with a huge smile on his face and Ezzie at his feet. Behind them, she noticed the gazebo was filled with deep blue hydrangeas – her favorite.

  Jack was wearing tan dress slacks, a light pink button-down Oxford shirt, and loafers. He looked good enough to eat. Ezzie saw Tess and let out a bark, her tail wagging and thumping on the floor of the gazebo. Jack and Tess’s eyes locked as she walked toward him. He took her hand and led her into the gazebo. She had never seen such beautiful hydrangeas, and they covered almost every surface. He’d made sure there was room enough for two on the bench. They sat down, Jack still holding onto her hand.

  “Jack, I – ”

  “Me first,” he interrupted.

  She nodded.

  “I know it’s only been a couple of months. But I know I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. When I’m with you, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. When we’re apart, all I can think about is seeing you again. I want you all the time, Tess. I want us to be together. I want us to spend the rest of our lives making each other happy. And I know we will be. Tess, I want you to be my wife. Please say you’ll ma
rry me. Please say yes.” Ezzie’s cold nose bumped her leg.

  Without hesitation, Tess said, “Yes.”

  In one fluid motion, he stood, pulling her into his arms. Still holding on tight, he yelled over her shoulder, “She said yes!”

  People came out of every nook and cranny, applauding.

  Jack and Tess stood laughing and holding and kissing each other. When he broke the kiss, he looked at her, nose-to-nose, and said, “You did just say yes, right?”

  Holding on tight to his hand, she went to the gazebo’s entrance and shouted, “I said yes!”

  I was born at night, but not last night.

  ~Johnny Butterfield

  Butterbean Applewhite ushered Johnny Butterfield from the front door to the kitchen where her grandmother, Louetta Stafford, sat at the table talking with Jackson Wright, Tess Tremaine, Pickle Culpepper, and her mother, Martha Maye Applewhite. Just a few hours before, Tess and Martha Maye had been held hostage, and the kitchen was abuzz.

  Martha Maye jumped up. “Have a seat, Trooper Butterfield, how about I cut you a nice big slice of chocolate cake?” She smiled up at the state trooper. He stood six foot five, and the phrase tall, dark, and handsome didn’t do the man justice. His biceps stretched the confines of his shirtsleeves, and when his dark eyes landed on Martha Maye, she blushed.

  “Just Johnny will be fine. And thank you, ma’am.” He switched to his Elvis voice. “Thank ya ver’ much.” He forgot for a few seconds that he and Martha Maye weren’t alone. Martha Maye was a pretty woman with just a little too much weight attached to her hips and thighs. But that didn’t stop Johnny from wanting to stare at her. Finally pulling his eyes from hers, he said to the group, “I stopped by to tell y’all that John Ed has resigned his position as police chief. He’s under review for hindering an investigation.”

  “Who’s gonna be police chief?” Louetta asked.

  “Um . . . the position’s open. And they’re taking applications.” He darted a glance at Martha Maye, who met his eyes and then took her gaze to the floor.

  Jackson Wright stood and pulled Tess to her feet. “Well, folks, it’s been a long day. I’m going to see Tess home now.”

  Tess went to the state trooper and took his hand. “Trooper Butterfield, thank you for all you did today. We appreciate it more than we can say.”

  “Aw, just doing my duty, ma’am, and call me Johnny.”

  “Call me Tess.” She smiled up at him. “Thank you, Johnny,” Tess touched his shoulder to punctuate her thanks, while she laced the fingers on her other hand through Jack’s.

  “Goodnight, y’all!” Jack and Tess said in unison, leaving the kitchen with Louetta at their heels. Jack looked at her with a smile in his eyes and whispered, “You’re turning into a Southern belle already.”

  “Night, you two,” Martha Maye said, almost as an afterthought. She busied herself wiping the countertop and sneaking glances at Johnny.

  Johnny turned to the lanky teenager who was leaning against the kitchen counter. “Pickle, I’d say you saved the day, son. You ever thought about a job in law enforcement?”

  Pickle’s face flushed red. “Uh . . . no, sir. I’m still in high school.”

  Johnny studied the kid to see if he might be pulling his leg, but he looked perfectly serious. “I meant after high school.”

  Pickle scratched his head, leaving the hair at the top of his head standing up.

  “Oh. Wull…nope, can’t say I ever thought that.”

  “I think you’d be a natural. You let me know if you’re ever interested in looking into police work as a career.”

  “Aw, I don’t know…”

  “Just keep it in mind.” Johnny gave a lingering look to Martha Maye and then pushed his hands through his hair. “Well folks, it’s been a day and a half today. I’m gonna get.”

  Martha Maye jumped to her feet. “Oh, don’t rush off . . . Johnny.” She smiled up at him.

  Johnny shoved the last bite of chocolate cake in his mouth and handed her the plate. “I expect I better. Technically, I’m still on duty. But I hope to see y’all real soon.” He put on his trooper hat and adjusted it in the front, adding, “If the good Lord’s willing and the creek don’t rise.”

  A week later:

  “Well, Trooper Butterfield, I see your record is exemplary, but I’m just concerned about your experience as a leader.” Mayor Buck Lyons sat back in his chair and laced his fingers over his stomach. He was leading Johnny’s interview for police chief with the city councilmen.

  “Aw, Buck, you flap your gums just to hear yourself talk,” Clive said.

  “Now, Clive, we’re conducting business here. I’d appreciate it if you’d call me Mayor.”

  “Well, I’d just appreciate it if somebody would call me to dinner. Boy, I’ve known you since you were no bigger ‘n a beef roast, and I’ll kindly call you what I want. Stop taking yourself so seriously.” He turned to Johnny. “Does your . . . ” he put his fingers up for air quotes, “lack of experience disturb you, young man?”

  “No, sir, it doesn’t. I have a degree in criminal justice, I’ve learned a lot by paying attention on the job, and I can think on my feet. I’m confident I’d do a good job as police chief. I wouldn’t apply if I didn’t think I could do the job.”

  “The work entails a good bit more than your average crime fighting skills, Trooper Butterfield. We try to keep expenses low. I know John Ed replaced brake pads on the cruisers more than once. He also wasn’t above cleaning a toilet or sitting on dispatch if need be. I — ”

  “I take your point. I’m no prima don. I do what it takes, no matter what.”

  “Uh, isn’t that prima donna?” Clive leaned in.

  “Wull . . . yeah . . . but I’m a guy. I ain’t no Donna.” He grinned.

  “Duly noted.” Buck looked at Johnny over his reading glasses then at the others at the table. “I’ll have to say I was right impressed with the way you handled that kidnapping situation the other day. You were confident, authoritative, and you got the job done.”

  “Thank you, sir. But you have good men on the force here. I was just backup.”

  “You were more than that. We were liable to end up with someone shot. I credit you with getting the job done and nobody ending up seriously hurt.”

  “Thank you again. I don’t like to toot my own horn — ”

  “Well, an interview for police chief sure is the time and place if ever there was one,” Clive said. “G’won.” He waved his hand in the air. “Toot.”

  Johnny’s face turned serious. “I can think on my feet. I don’t get rattled, and I don’t back down. I’m able to size up a scene, and I’m proud to say I haven’t had one unsuccessful outcome of a bad situation.”

  “Do you mind if I ask about your personal life?” Mayor Lyons said.

  “Ask away.”

  “You married?”

  “Nope. Never been. But I hope to someday.”

  “Got someone serious, do you?” There was a gleam in Clive’s eye.

  “No. Just hopes and dreams.”

  “Don’t we all.” Buck pushed back from the table and addressed the other interviewers.” Okay, y’all, anyone have any other questions for Trooper Butterfield?” Everyone looked at each other, but no one spoke. The mayor again addressed Johnny. “That’s it for now, then. We’ll inform you of our decision soon’s we know it. Thank you for coming in.”

  What’s a Southern girl’s mating call? I’ve got season tickets!

  ~ Caledonia Culpepper

  Caledonia Culpepper was the picture of beauty as she walked past the shops on Main Street. The late August sun beaming down made her blonde hair brighter than usual. In her early forties, with a sleeveless yellow sundress and white sandals, her hair falling softly at her shoulders, and a bright smile on her heart-shaped face, she was a head turner. And she was on a mission. She pulled open the bookstore’s heavy wooden door and glided inside.

  The first person she saw was her son, Pickle. She frowned at
his wrinkled T-shirt that said, BUCKLE UP. IT MAKES IT HARDER FOR ALIENS TO SNATCH YOU OUT OF YOUR CAR.

  She propped a hand on her hip. “Pickle, why’re you wearing that shirt out in public? It’s wrinkled.”

  Without skipping a beat he said, “You’re wrinkled.” His face suddenly showed horror as he realized what he’d said. His hand went up to his mouth while his eyes grew big as saucers.

  Caledonia’s mouth flew open, and she gasped, her hand going to the pearls around her neck.

  “He didn’t mean it like that, Callie.” Louetta stepped from behind the cash register. “We’ve got a running joke around here. It’s like a game. Say someone says something is impossible . . . the other person will say, ‘You’re impossible’. Or . . . I might say, ‘That shelf is dusty.’ And someone else would say, ‘You’re dusty.’ See? All in fun.”

  Caledonia gave her son a suspicious look, while he stood there looking as if he were facing a firing squad. Finally, she pointed a finger at him. “You watch out, youngin’. Someday I just might have to turn you into relish.” But she smiled at him to let him know she was teasing.

  Pickle exhaled visibly, and Caledonia turned when Martha Maye came in from the back room.

  “Just the woman I wanted to see.” Caledonia walked up to her. “Did y’all hear?”

  “Hear what?”

  “That state trooper. You know, the one who rescued y’all.” Martha Maye nodded and her cheeks flushed a slight red. “The councilmen and Buck are interviewing him as we speak.”

  “For police chief?” She stood up a little straighter.

  “Don’t you know it.” Caledonia’s head bobbed up and down. “I saw the way you looked at him that day. I thought maybe you should know he was in town.” She grabbed Martha Maye’s hand. “C’mon, let’s you and me just happen to walk past the police station.”

  “I, I, I can’t just leave the store,” Martha Maye sputtered.

  “I don’t know why in the world not.” Lou came toward them. “I can take care of things while you’re gone for a bit.” She smiled and winked at Caledonia. “That’s the best idea you’ve had since you brought that Jell-O salad to the potluck dinner.”