What Remains

by Garrett Leigh

  “He didn’t eat much dinner,” the sister said. “I tried to tempt him with some of Caz’s birthday cake earlier, but he wasn’t interested.”

  Rupert’s bones ached with sadness. Before the accident, Jodi’s sweet tooth had been legendary. “Thank you.”

  The sister left him to it. Rupert adjusted the soft grey blanket he’d brought from home so it covered Jodi properly, then took a seat. “Hey, beautiful.”

  And beautiful Jodi still was, despite the purple smudges under his eyes and the pallor of his skin. His inky hair had grown a little, and Rupert had become addicted to the sensation of his thicker beard against his fingers. He scratched the wiry scruff now and squeezed Jodi’s hand. “Sweet dreams, boyo. Be safe. I love you.”

  April 26, 2010

  Jodi hopped off the bus in Harringay and took in the shabby buildings and monumental traffic congestion. Rupert was right. There really was nothing here but greengrocers with cabbages the size of small planets, Turkish/Cypriot cafés, and row upon row of scruffy bedsits.

  “Welcome to bedshitland.” Recalling Rupert’s gentle sarcasm made Jodi smile, and the address he’d scribbled on a scrap of paper was burning a hole in his back pocket, but he had work to do and another address to find before he paid Rupert a long overdue visit.

  He found the run-down meze bar a few streets from the bus stop. The owner, a wizened man who couldn’t have been less than seventy, greeted him with a mug of coffee you could stand a spoon in. Jodi liked him—Spiros—straightaway. And the job was relatively simple too. Somehow, the old man had discovered the growing market for online takeaway ordering and wanted a functional website to help him offer the service. Jodi glanced around the tatty restaurant and considered his pricing. The old man likely couldn’t afford his going rate—and Jodi had to wonder how he’d found him in the first place—but despite the peeling paint and cracked tiles, the place was spotlessly clean, and it smelled amazing.

  On cue, Spiros placed a plate of grilled halloumi, tomatoes, and herby fried eggs in front of him, complete with fresh sesame bread and a glass of what looked like grappa. The food was rustic, honest peasant fare, and oddly beautiful. Jodi’s stomach growled its approval. He took another glance around. The restaurant was clearly struggling, like any business that wasn’t a fucking Wetherspoons. Did he really want to feel responsible for another shit-hot family business going bust? Hell no. Jodi downed the grappa and quoted Spiros a price that should’ve made him weep.

  A little while later, he emerged into the grey world of Harringay under a haze of garlic and grappa. Spiros had invited him back for dinner, but Jodi had places to be—and people to see—and he was already half-pissed.

  And late. Oops. He pulled out the scrap of paper he’d scrawled Rupert’s address on. The bedsit was a five-minute walk from Spiros’s place, so Jodi turned east and set off, passing the time by planning the restaurant’s website. To fit in with its authenticity, the site couldn’t be too flashy, but it had to work, and work well, which demanded a certain amount of slickness. Trick was to balance the functionality with ambiance and personality, something that would probably have to involve photographing Spiros. Unless I could fudge a graphic of him.

  Hmm. Jodi couldn’t draw for shit, but the idea had weight. He filed it away for later. Right now, he had eyes only for Rupert, who was standing on the pavement ahead, his phone tucked under his chin, and clutching the hand of a seraphic little girl Jodi knew from photographs to be his daughter, Indie.

  Jodi trailed to a stop. Rupert hadn’t said he’d have Indie with him today. Not that it mattered, to Jodi at least, but the lingering tickle of grappa in his belly gave him pause. Though his buzz had faded, it felt a little wrong to gatecrash a father-daughter day when he’d been drinking since breakfast time.

  He considered slinking away, texting Rupert from the Tube to say his client meeting had run over and he had to get back to Tottenham, but as he warred between doing the right thing and indulging the craving need to see Rupert in any capacity he could, Rupert turned and saw him, and his window of escape was gone.

  By Indie’s curious smile, she saw him too. Jodi swallowed a shot of nerves and dug around in his pocket for chewing gum. He didn’t have much experience with kids, especially girls, though he knew Indie was more into football than Barbies.

  They met halfway, and it took Jodi a millisecond to see Rupert was as nervous as he was.

  “I’ve been trying to call you,” Rupert said. “Indie’s childminder is ill, so I’ve got her for the day. I’m sorry. I tried to let you know.”

  “’S okay.” Jodi bent to Indie’s level and held out his hand. “I was coming past anyway. I’m Jodi. Nice to meet you. What’s that on your T-shirt? A fairy?”

  Indie took Jodi’s hand and looked down at her T-shirt with the confusion of a child who’d put on whatever clothes they’d been told to that morning. “I think it’s a mouse-dancer.”

  “A mouse-dancer, eh?” The cartoon character was more like a hippo to Jodi, but what did he know? “What are you two up to? Anything fun?”

  “We’re going to the park,” Indie said. “You come too?”

  Jodi glanced up at Rupert, who shrugged. “We’d love you to, but I won’t be offended if you have better things to do.”

  “Erm, looks like I’m coming, then.” Jodi squeezed Indie’s tiny hand. “On one condition, though.”

  “I already brushed my teeth and I didn’t make a mess.”

  “Oh.” Jodi pretended to think hard and tried to ignore the faint shadow of guilt that darkened Rupert’s features. “In that case, you’ll have to push me on the swing instead. That cool?”

  Indie giggled. “You too big for the swings.”

  “That right? Oh well, you can give me a crunchy cuddle when I fall on my bum, then.”

  “Cwunchy cuddle?”

  “Yeah, one with tickles. We can practice on Daddy.” Jodi lifted Indie up onto his shoulders and caught Rupert’s surprised gaze. “Ready?”

  “Erm, okay. Are you sure you want to do this? You don’t—”

  “Shut it,” Jodi said. “I’m coming.”

  A while later, Jodi found himself at the top of a steep slide with Indie on his lap. “It’s a long way down. Sure you don’t want Daddy to catch you at the bottom?”

  “No! Let’s go! Let’s go!” Indie banged her fists on Jodi’s thighs.

  Jodi laughed. Indie was a sweet girl, but her chubby cheeks and slender bones belied the rambunctious daredevil who’d been tearing around the park and run both him and Rupert ragged. He pushed off the slide and sent them zooming to the bottom where Rupert plucked Indie from Jodi’s lap and swung her over his head. His grin was a mile wide, and Jodi was transfixed by the pair of them, identical in all but eye colour. Had he ever seen anything as innocently beautiful?

  Not that he could think of, and the sight of Rupert and Indie dancing around the park in the sun reminded him that he’d crashed their playdate. “I’m gonna chip off,” he said. “Call me later?”

  Rupert set Indie on the roundabout. “Gotta get back, eh? Work to do?”

  “Always. I’m home tonight, though, if you fancy a Skype chat?”

  Rupert rolled his eyes. Jodi had been trying to persuade him to get Skype since they’d met, but he held firm. Apparently, technology was wasted on him. “I’ll call you. Indie? Jodi’s going now.”

  Indie hopped nimbly from the roundabout and climbed up Jodi’s legs until she was safe in his arms. “Can we go ice skating next time?”

  “Next time?” The thought of seeing her again was more heartwarming and appealing than he’d ever thought possible. “Sure, but you’ll have to stop me falling on my arse—er—bum, okay?”

  Rupert coughed, hiding his grin, and pried Indie back. “That makes two of us you’ll have to supervise, kiddo. Say bye to Jodi.”

  They said their good-byes, and Jodi left them to it, fighting the urge to glance over his shoulder as he walked away. Kiddie time in the park wasn’t how he’d
expected to spend his afternoon, but he’d loved every moment, and though he really did have work to do, going home was the last thing on his mind. He caught a bus back to Tottenham. As Harringay disappeared behind him, he pulled out his phone and sent a text to the one person in the world he loved as much as he was coming to love Rupert.

  Fancy some pie and mash?

  Sophie met him in Tottenham at their favourite hole-in-the wall café, a dive that served all-day breakfasts and the best pie and mash in London. Jodi’s Mediterranean brunch felt like a lifetime ago. He ordered as much as he dared before Sophie reined him in.

  “Flipping heck, Jodi. I haven’t got hollow legs, you know. Some of us can’t eat our body weight in gravy and get away with it.”

  “Fuck off. I’m having two pies.” Jodi placed his order, paid for both of them, then steered Sophie to a table by the steamed-up windows. “Besides, you’re bloody gorgeous and you know it. More of you, the better.”

  Sophie pulled a face that did nothing to make her any less lovely. She’d put on a few pounds since she’d quit her job as an estate agent and retrained as a nursery nurse, and she looked amazing.

  “So . . .” Sophie dumped sugar in her tea. “To what do I owe the pleasure? I’ve been trying to get you to buy me lunch for weeks.”

  “Hey, that’s not my fault. You’re never around when I’m free.”

  “That’s because I work all day and sleep all night, like the rest of the world. Try it sometime.”

  “I’ll have you know I went to bed at eleven o’clock last night.” Jodi didn’t add that by then he’d been up for thirty-six hours, rushing to meet a deadline he’d neglected in favour of rolling around on the floor with Rupert. He didn't have to. Sophie knew him well enough to fill in the blanks.

  “So when do I get to meet this hunky fireman, then?” she said on cue. “How long have you been seeing him?”

  Jodi counted back in his head. He’d met Rupert on Boxing Day, and it was April now. “Four months.”

  “Pictures.” Sophie held out her hand for Jodi’s phone.

  He relinquished it, waiting until a waitress had set their plates on the table before he directed Sophie to the album where he’d stored the precious few snaps he’d managed to sneak of Rupert.

  His heaping plate of two steak-and-ale pies with mash, peas, and gravy proved a welcome distraction as Sophie scrolled through them. He’d made good headway by the time she passed the phone back with a low whistle.

  “He’s beautiful. Fancy sharing?”

  The question wasn’t as innocent as it might have been between two other friends. Jodi and Sophie had ended their romantic relationship more than a year ago. They’d fallen into bed together a few times since, sometimes with company, but that didn’t appeal to Jodi anymore. He loved Sophie with all his heart. Sharing Rupert though? Fuck no. Jodi couldn’t imagine sharing him with anyone. Didn’t want to. In fact, he couldn’t imagine sharing a bed with anyone else ever again.

  Like she’d heard his epiphany, Sophie smiled and patted Jodi’s arm. “It’s okay, babe. I can see how much you like him. This is the real deal, isn’t it?”

  “I think so.” Heat flooded Jodi’s face. He took a gulp of hot tea, which did nothing to quell the warmth filling his chest. “Just gotta hope he feels the same.”

  “How could he not?” Sophie’s smile waned with a touch of the sadness she rarely let Jodi see. “Embrace it. I’m over the moon for you, Jojo.”

  Later that night found Jodi growling at his computer. Eventually, a glitch in the operating system froze the screen. He admitted defeat and shut it down, retreating to the couch with the old grey blanket that seemed to follow him around when the weather turned colder, a relic from his student days. It was tatty and holed, but combined with Blackadder on the telly, it felt like an old friend, and it wasn’t long before he fell fast asleep.

  A low chuckle woke him sometime later. “You look like a Hobbit, wrapped up in that.”

  Jodi grumbled and pressed his face into a cushion. He’d jumped a bloody mile the first time Rupert had used the spare key and crept into the flat under the cover of darkness, but he was used to it now. Loved it. There was nothing better than waking up to Rupert’s comforting warmth beside him when he’d gone to sleep alone.

  Rupert laughed again and pulled the blanket back from Jodi’s face. “Wake up for me, boyo. I want to tell you something.”

  Jodi raised his head and cracked an eye open. “Mate, I already know you’re gay.”

  “Very funny.” Rupert scowled briefly, but he clearly wasn’t annoyed in the slightest. In fact, he seemed happier than Jodi had ever seen him.

  “That grin’s gonna split your face. Spill.”

  “Indie loves you.” Rupert grinned wider. “She’s been talking about you all afternoon.”

  “Really?” Jodi couldn’t name the emotion that stirred in him. He couldn’t deny he’d been a little spellbound by Indie in return. She was nothing like the children he’d come across before. No snot and whinging. No constant trips to the toilet. “What did she say?”

  “It’s more what she asked.”

  Jodi sat up. “Asked?”

  “Yeah.” Rupert caught the blanket as it slipped from Jodi’s shoulders. “She asked me if you were my boyfriend.”

  “Seriously? Where did she get that idea?”

  Rupert shrugged. “I think she might’ve overheard something at home. Jen’s big on slating me to anyone who’ll listen.”

  “Still?”

  “Aye, but I don’t give a shit. Her big mouth’s done me a favour. I’ve wanted to tell Indie for a long time. Just didn’t know how.”

  A slow grin crept over Jodi’s face. “So you told her I’m your boyfriend?”

  “Er, yeah. That’s okay, right? I mean, I know we’ve never—”

  Jodi silenced Rupert with a quick kiss. They’d never had that particular conversation, but their casual friendship had slipped so seamlessly into a warm, companionable relationship, there hadn’t been the need. They had much to learn about each other, but boyfriends? Fuck yeah, Jodi was having some of that. “I am your boyfriend.”

  “Thank God for that.” Rupert’s mile-wide smile returned. “Because I told Indie everything—the Disney version, at least.”

  “Wow. I don’t know what to say. That’s awesome.” And it was. Jodi didn’t have to know shit about raising kids to see how much being out to Indie meant to Rupert. “What about Jen, though? She won’t do anything shitty and try to keep Indie away from you, will she?”

  “She’s going to do her nut, but there’s nothing she can do about it. The courts have already told her she can’t restrict my access to Indie because of my sexuality.”

  “You told the courts you’re gay?”

  Rupert nodded. “Didn’t have much choice really. Jen outed me straight from the bat. Tried to paint me as a bloody deviant. Didn’t do her much good, though. The judge took my side. First time anyone ever did that.”

  Jodi’s heart ached. Rupert didn’t give much away, but it didn’t take a genius to figure out the scars he carried from his old life, both back home in Ireland, and here, with Indie and Jen. Some days, Jodi couldn’t bear to think about it, but others, curiosity burned in his chest, and he wanted to know it all, no matter how painful it was to hear.

  Today was a curious day. A thousand questions fought for dominance in Jodi’s mind, but Rupert clearly had other ideas. He lunged at Jodi, catching him off guard, and covered him with kisses before Jodi could take a breath to speak.

  Jodi fell back on the couch, but he’d barely touched the cushions before he found himself up in the air and bent double over Rupert’s shoulder in a seamless fireman’s lift. “Motherfucker!”

  Rupert laughed, a sound Jodi was becoming gloriously used to. “Yup. Watcha gonna do about it?”

  Nothing, obviously. Rupert was lean, but, damn, the bloke was strong. Jodi knew better than to waste his energy wrestling him. Besides, as Rupert carried him through the
flat and dumped him on the bed, he had little desire to resist whatever Rupert had in mind. They’d fucked many times since that first time a month ago, and Rupert had grown in confidence with each heady night that passed. Jodi was a bossy lover by nature, but sometimes—just sometimes—it was fun to let Rupert have his way.

  Rupert stripped Jodi of the jogging bottoms and T-shirt he’d fallen asleep in, then he drew his own zipper down slowly, revealing that he’d made the journey to Jodi’s place sans underwear.

  “Commando?” Jodi raised an eyebrow.

  Rupert grinned. “Didn’t know I was coming over till I was halfway here. Too late by then.”

  Jodi wondered what Rupert had been doing at home without his boxers on, but was quickly distracted by the cock pressing against his lips. He opened up and met Rupert’s gaze as Rupert slid his dick into Jodi’s mouth. Rupert licked his lips and shuddered with obvious pleasure, a far cry from the nervous wreck he’d been when they’d started messing around like this.

  Not that either of them was messing around right now. Jodi craned his neck and drew Rupert closer, relaxing his throat and taking him as far down as he could manage.

  Rupert groaned and gripped Jodi’s hair. “I was thinking about this on the way over. Think about it all the time. You’re fucking amazing, boyo.”

  Despite the context, the words seemed heartfelt, and they surged through Jodi. He sucked harder, clawing at any part of Rupert he could reach, until Rupert pulled his dick away and shed his remaining clothes.

  Naked, he covered Jodi with his body and kissed him deeply. “I mean it. You and Indie, you’re everything to me.”

  He took his kiss down Jodi’s neck and chest without waiting for a reply. Jodi writhed as Rupert worked his way lower and lower, grasping the duvet, the sheets, searching blindly for something, anything, to hold on to. He found Rupert’s hair and dug his fingers in, scraping Rupert’s scalp with his nails. “The feeling’s mutual, you know— Fuck!”

  Rupert held the base of Jodi’s cock and blew warm air over the head, a gentle warning, before he took him in his mouth.