What Remains

by Garrett Leigh

  “Don’t I?”

  “Do you?” Rupert hadn’t meant to challenge Jodi so bluntly, but the words were out before he could stop them, laid bare between them.

  “I do want you,” Jodi said. “I just don’t know if that means I wanna bang you and leave, or hold you all night long after. And I don’t know how to learn. I thought it would come back to me, eventually, but Dr. Nevis says it probably won’t, that if I want to be with you, we have to start over again. And I don’t know how to do that. Or if you even want to. Why the fuck would you? Why would you—”

  Jodi’s voice cracked. He clamped a shaky hand over his mouth briefly, then let it drop, fixing Rupert with a gaze that hurt Rupert’s heart. “I’m broken, Rupert, and I can’t be fixed. Why the hell would you want me now?”

  “Jodi.” Rupert closed the distance between them and gripped Jodi’s shoulders. Only Jodi’s injuries stopped Rupert from shaking him. “Jodi, you’re not bloody broken, you hear me? And I do want you, as much as I ever did, I just . . . I don’t know what that says about me. I’m your carer, Jodi. I shouldn’t be thinking about stuff like that. It’s not right.”

  “Oh God.” Jodi twisted himself from Rupert’s grasp and abruptly sat on the floor, like his legs wouldn’t hold him any longer.

  Alarmed, Rupert dropped beside him and took his face in his hands. “What is it? Are you okay? Are you dizzy?”

  “I’m fine.” Jodi pushed Rupert’s hands away. “It just feels like we’re going round in circles. Am I being totally fucking dense, or are we both saying the same thing? You think it’s wrong to want a broken man, and I think I’m too broken for you to want me in the first place?”

  Rupert replayed Jodi’s words. Matched them with his own, then sat back on his heels as a crashing wave of perspective rocked his equilibrium. “Jesus.”

  Jodi laughed humourlessly. “I know, right? I think one of us needs to spell it out, and it has to be you, because I need to believe it. Will you do that for me? Please? I need to know it’s real.”

  “It’s real, boyo. I promise.” But was it? Jodi’s emotions had been volatile and unreliable since the accident, often swinging from one inappropriate reaction to another too fast for Rupert to keep up. What if this was just a cruel trick played by the shadow clouding his brain? What if they woke up tomorrow and Jodi hated him all over again?

  He never hated me. He just didn’t know me. And as far as being wrong goes . . . we’re both bloody wrong, or not. Perhaps we never were.

  For once, Rupert’s relentless inner monologue was worth listening to. He crawled closer to Jodi and put his hands on his bent knees, waiting for Jodi to meet his gaze. It didn’t happen.

  “Listen to me,” Rupert said. “Something terrible happened to you, to us, and it took everything we had. This,” he gestured around the dimly lit kitchen, “all of this, is just the remnants, but it’s enough for us to build something new. I want to, Jodi, because I want you, because I love you. I know you can’t say the same right now, but maybe, if we go back to the start, you might learn to love me again.”

  Jodi finally looked up. His eyes were red-rimmed and watery. “Do you really love me?”

  “Yes. Have done since the moment I met you.”

  “Do you want me?”

  “More than ever. It just scares me a bit.”

  “I know how that feels,” Jodi said. “But I wish I’d known the rest of it from the beginning.”

  Rupert swiped at his face. “I’m so sorry. I told you every day until you started talking, then I got scared, because you were scared too, and I didn’t want me loving you to be the reason you couldn’t get better.”

  Jodi moved, his body blurring in Rupert’s gaze until they were nose to nose. “I think I got better because you still loved me, even though I was gone. I must have known on some level, because it feels so right now.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Yeah. Now all we need to do is figure out how to make it awesome.”

  “Awesome?”

  “Indie told me we were awesome. She said I made you happy. I want to do that again.”

  “Sounds like we want a lot of things.” Rupert blew out a breath.

  Jodi frowned. “Is that bad?”

  “No, just means we’ve got a lot of work to do.”

  “Then we’re going to need some more chips. I kinda chucked mine away.”

  Rupert laughed, feeling somehow lighter than he had in a long time. “Get your coat then, boyo. Chippie shuts in ten.”

  That night, with Rupert by his side, Jodi slept better than he could ever remember doing before: long, deep, and pain-free. He felt like he’d just blinked when he opened his eyes in the morning. Shame he hadn’t meant to fall asleep in the first place.

  He rolled over, searching for Rupert’s warmth, but found only cool sheets. He bolted upright. Panic roared through him. Had he dreamed it all? Had the long hours talking into the night, stretched out on the bed with a bag of chips between them, been nothing more than a figment of his defunct imagination?

  “Easy, boyo.” Rupert popped up from nowhere at the side of the bed, his hand comforting and warm on Jodi’s knee. “Gonna give yourself whiplash, sitting up like that. What’s the matter?”

  Jodi shrugged, unwilling to admit he’d been on the verge of a meltdown. “What are you doing on the floor?”

  “Cleaning up. We passed out in a bit of a mess last night.”

  “Did I fall asleep first?”

  “Yup.” Rupert grinned. “With a mouthful of chips and a can of Tizer in your hand. Reminded me of those nights you used to get tanked on JD and wait up for me, only to KO before you took your bloody clothes—”

  Rupert stopped, flushing guiltily.

  “Go on,” Jodi said. “Tell me.”

  “Not sure it’s something you want to know.”

  “Why do you think that?”

  Rupert didn’t answer. Jodi replayed his last sentence. “. . . only to KO before you took your bloody clothes—” “Did I summon you home on a promise and let you down?”

  “You’ve never let me down, Jodi.”

  It was sweet of Rupert to say, but Jodi doubted it was true. Whoever he used to be, he couldn’t have been perfect. Lord knew, he wasn’t now. “Did we have sex a lot?”

  The blush returned full force to Rupert’s fair cheeks. He got awkwardly to his feet and made a meal out of stuffing crumpled chip papers in the nearby bin. “Why do you want to talk about that?”

  “Talked about everything else last night, didn’t we?”

  “Aye, but we never figured out what we were going to do about it.” Rupert left the room.

  Jodi thought about following, but something told him to stay put and do all the things Rupert usually had to remind him to do.

  He’d just swallowed the last of his morning medication when Rupert reappeared, sheepishly brandishing a mug of tea and a plate of Nutella toast.

  “Sorry I keep walking out on you,” he said. “This is way harder than I ever imagined it would be.”

  “What is?”

  “You getting better. I thought we’d done the hard bit, but it feels like we’re just getting started.”

  Jodi twisted the cap back on his antiseizure drug bottle. “Is that why you won’t talk about sex?”

  “Jesus, Jodi.” Rupert scrubbed a hand down his face. “Why do you suddenly want to talk about that?”

  “Because it was the first thing that came back.”

  “What?”

  Shit. It may have been the first part of his attraction to Rupert that had returned, but it was the last thing Jodi had ever intended to say. Still, there wasn’t much he could do to take it back. He got up and turned away while he stripped off the T-shirt he’d slept in and rummaged in a drawer for a clean one. “I started dreaming about you a few months ago before I . . . before I knew about, um, us.”

  “Dreaming?”

  “Yeah.” Jodi had never been so glad he couldn’t see Rupert’s face. “Except it hap
pened when I was awake too.”

  “What kind of dreams?”

  “Erm . . .”

  “Oh.”

  The single syllable wrapped Jodi in a cloak of heat. He turned around. Rupert was staring at him, eyes wide. Jodi chanced a grin, and tried not to fixate on Rupert’s teeth digging into his bottom lip. “Whatever you’re thinking, you’re probably right.”

  “You don’t want to know what I’m thinking.”

  “Don’t I?”

  “I have no idea, but I know I sure as hell don’t want to tell you.”

  Jodi pulled a T-shirt on. Part of him wanted to take pity on Rupert and leave it alone, but the more selfish part of him won out. “I kept thinking about being with you. It scared the shit out of me for a while before I realised it was real. It drove me fucking crazy. I thought I was a freak.”

  Rupert flinched. “Why would you think that?”

  “Why do you think? I didn’t know I was supposed to feel that way, or that you felt that way about me.”

  “I’m so sorry.”

  “Don’t be,” Jodi said. “Just don’t keep anything else from me. I know you’re worried about putting ideas in my head, but you don’t need to be—they’re already there. Now I just need to know the truth.”

  “The truth about what?”

  Jodi sighed. “Have you always found it so hard to talk about sex?”

  Rupert came further into the room and sat on the edge of the bed. “Actually, yes, but I’d never really tried until I met you. Before then, I did everything I could not to even think about it.”

  “But you were married before you met me. Why didn’t you think about sex then?”

  “I was married to a woman. The kind of sex you’re talking about scared the bejesus out of me.”

  “Oh.” Jodi processed Rupert’s words and tried to match them with the “Rupert Files” in his brain. “So, you were married, then you split up and came out? And then you met me?”

  “Pretty much. Look, I’m not saying we can’t talk about it. I know we should . . . that we probably need to. Give me some time, yeah? I’m still getting my head around the fact that you want to be in the same room as me again.”

  Jodi felt bad then. It was hard enough to keep up with himself. How the hell did he expect Rupert to? “I’m sorry.”

  “I told you: don’t be. I’m over the feckin’ moon. I just need a moment to pull myself together.”

  Except that moment was going to be far longer, as Rupert had to leave for work and he wouldn’t be back until the evening. Jodi tried to hide his disappointment. Failed. Rupert put two fingers under Jodi’s chin and gently forced him to meet his gaze.

  “We can talk about this later, if you still want to. I promise I won’t freak out. I’m in this for as long as you want me. Just gotta man up.”

  It was on the tip of Jodi’s tongue to tell Rupert he was all the man he’d ever need, but was that true? How many men had come before him? Would Rupert know the answer? Did Jodi dare ask?

  “Jodi?”

  “Hmm?”

  Rupert shook his head slightly. “This is surreal, but I’ve got to go. Are you going to be okay today? You’ve got an appointment with Ken, haven’t you?”

  Jodi scowled. Fucking Ken . . . “I’ll be fine. Do we need any shopping?”

  “Maybe some bread and some milk? Haven’t had a cuppa yet today. Gonna be raging by the time I get to work. Can you remember the PIN for your debit card?”

  “Nope. Gonna get it tattooed on my arse.”

  “Good luck looking it up when you’re at the front of the queue in Sainsbury’s. It’s one-seven-nine-three. Start from number one and draw a U shape.” Rupert stood and drifted toward the door. “Sure you’re going to be okay?”

  “I’ll be fine,” Jodi snapped. “Jesus. It’s not like you’ve never left me.”

  “Don’t be an arse.”

  “Excuse me?”

  Rupert fixed Jodi with a steady gaze. “I said, ‘Don’t be an arse.’ It’s not unreasonable for me to worry about you a little bit. The last time I left you without a second thought, you got mowed down by a stolen car.”

  Guilt returned full force. Jodi closed his eyes and imagined how he’d feel if their roles were reversed—if Rupert was snatched away when Jodi was just beginning to comprehend loving him.

  There was no worse feeling. There couldn’t be. Jodi opened his eyes and found Rupert on his knees in front of him. “Don’t leave me,” Jodi said. “When you come home tonight, I need you to sleep in the bed with me. I don’t care about the sex—I don’t even know what the fuck I’m talking about . . . I can’t remember it, but I need you with me. I can’t be away from you anymore.”

  Rupert cupped Jodi’s face and stroked his cheek with the pad of his thumb. “If that’s what you want, boyo. I’m there, every night I’m home. I love you.”

  “I love you too.”

  “So things are good at home, then?”

  “Hmm?” Jodi tore his gaze from the window and struggled to focus on Ken. “Oh, um, yeah. It’s all kind of falling into place. At least, I think it is. It’s not like I know what it should be like.”

  Ken raised an eyebrow. “Sounds to me like you know exactly what you want, and why can’t that be how your life should be?”

  “You tell me.”

  “I don’t need to, Jodi. You might not remember every moment of your past, but you know how you feel right now. You love Rupert. You want to be with him. If that’s what Rupert wants too, there’s no reason you can’t have it. Is it what Rupert wants?”

  “He says it is.” Jodi chewed on his lip. “He wouldn’t lie, would he?”

  “What do you think?”

  “I think— I know he loves me. I knew it before he told me.”

  Ken smiled. “Then focus on that and don’t let yourself be distracted by any negative thoughts. Talk them out, with Rupert or with me, and then move forward. There might be bumps in the road, but you and Rupert have overcome so much already, you should both be proud of how far you’ve come.”

  Jodi couldn’t speak for Rupert, but as a faint sense of pride bloomed in his belly, he realised Ken was right. So much had changed in the last few weeks alone, but it was all for the good. He was no longer lost and lonely; he was loved, like he’d always been, only now he knew it, believed it, and had made it his own.

  He left Ken and began heading home, stopping at the supermarket for milk. On the few occasions he’d ventured out to do the shopping alone since the accident, he’d deliberately chosen the quiet corner shop near the flat, ducking in and out with the exact change, counting it carefully before he went in. Today, with his last conversation with Rupert keeping him company, he braved the Sainsbury’s he and Rupert had bought the toad-in-the-hole ingredients from all those weeks ago.

  The shop was busy. Nerves tickled Jodi as he searched for the milk aisle. It was a big store, but as he navigated through it, the ceiling seemed to get lower with every step. Anxiety roared in his ears, growing louder and louder, until the urge to bolt and run became too strong to ignore.

  Just gotta man up. Jodi sucked in a breath and pulled his phone from his pocket. He craved Rupert’s gentle, comforting voice, but Rupert was on shift and couldn’t answer. So he rang Sophie, preempting her usual afternoon call.

  “I’m in Sainsbury’s,” he said by way of greeting. “I don’t like it.”

  Sophie’s laugh was like a bell. “Oh honey. Are you by yourself?”

  “Yup. Tied my laces myself and everything.”

  “Don’t be a dick.”

  Jodi stopped walking, ignoring the trolley that banged into his ankles from behind. “Am I really that bad? Rupert called me an arse this morning.”

  “Did he mean it?”

  “I think so, and he wasn’t wrong. I forget sometimes how much this has hurt him. It’s like that gap in my head swallows me up.”

  “But that doesn’t happen as much as it used to, does it? And the gap’s getting smaller.”
/>
  Another trolley collided with Jodi’s ankles. He moved out of the way and found a quiet-ish spot by the lacto-free milk. “Not anymore it’s not. Dr. Nevis says I’m probably done with my neurological recovery.”

  “I know that,” Sophie said. “But he also said that nothing was definite. Anything could happen, Jodi. Besides, even if you never remember another thing, you’ve got the rest of your life to plug that gap with new memories. You won’t need to be certain of your old past, because you’ll have a new one.”

  It sounded pretty fanciful to Jodi, and he would’ve called bullshit to anyone else, but Sophie’s dreams had always felt real. “He said he loves me.”

  “He does love you.”

  “I know. I love him too.”

  “I know.”

  “Do you love me?”

  Sophie sighed. “Of course I do—not the same way Rupert does, though. I thought I did for a while after the accident, but I don’t.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “It means you’re the love of my life—for now, at least, and even though I adore Rupert, there was a tiny twat-ish part of me that enjoyed the fact that you forgot about him and loved me all over again. But I was wrong to like that. I feel so much better knowing you and Rupert are working things out. It’s like the stars are aligning.”

  Sophie finished her monologue with another sigh, and Jodi wanted to cry. He often forgot that damn-fucking car had hit Sophie too. “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be sorry, Jodi. Don’t you bloody dare. We’ve had this conversation a hundred times. I want you to be happy. Rupert makes you happy. Just let him.”

  “I’m trying,” Jodi said. “I think I’m freaking him out, though. Reckon he’s got too used to me being a wanker.”

  “Be patient. He’s waited this long for you. It’s your turn to have a little faith.”

  Sophie said good-bye and hung up, leaving Jodi to realise that he was still in the milk aisle. He grabbed a pint of semi-skimmed and some butter. Logic took him to the bread section, where he picked up a sliced loaf. That done, he headed for the checkouts and found queues at every till.

  Sod this. Jodi considered ditching the groceries and running for home, but then he pictured the empty bread bin and Rupert trying to have a cup of tea with no milk, and joined the shortest queue. A battle with the thinnest plastic bag in the world ensued, but with a little prompting from the “Rupert Files,” he remembered the PIN for his debit card and made it out of the store with most of his dignity intact.