New Forever
Page 17
She smiles back at me before leaning forward once again and hugs me.
“I’m proud of you, too. Now, let’s go make Hannah proud.”
Before we even close our car doors, my parents are outside the house waiting for us. My mom walks slowly toward me, but I see the tears she’s holding back in her eyes and don’t second guess my decision to hug her tightly to me. In her arms, I forget the resentment I’ve held onto for so long and simply become her son again. A boy whose Mom only let him down once.
Not once had she ever raised a hand at me or spoken badly to me. She’d always been there for me, defending me, protecting me, loving and supporting me. She’d always been my mom and I’d turned my back on her for five years. I’d held onto my anger and never bothered to call her to see how she was doing. But she was still my mom, and as always before, she welcomed me with the love and warmth that brought back memories of my childhood.
“Hi, Mom,” I say quietly and we pull apart from each other without any awkwardness. As if five minutes had passed since we’d last seen each other, instead of five years.
“Hi, kiddo,” she says through the tears she brushes away with her hands. “Who’s this?” She smiles at Hayley and my heart constricts, feeling as if I have already betrayed Hayley by still loving my mom.
“My name’s Hayley,” she says softly and gives my mom a comforting hug. My heart slams in my chest when they embrace and the love I have for Hayley somehow manages to grow when I realize the gift she’s given me by simply hugging my mom.
“Are you the reason my baby boy has finally come home?”
“Kind of.” Hayley looks at me for help so I reach out to her and put my arm around her shoulders so that I can guide her into my childhood house.
“We should talk inside, Mom,” I tell her and she nods her head, obviously unaware of the sudden unease between us. The only emotion on her face is the pure joy to having her son back in her life.
When we turn around, I see my dad standing by the front door staring at us with his hands shaking over his open mouth and his face an ashy white. He knows. He may not have known Hannah had a twin sister, but he knows why I’m here.
“Dad,” I say, nodding my head at him in acknowledgment, but he doesn’t see me. He only sees Hayley.
“How?” He stretches out a shaky finger at Hayley while my mom watches them in confusion.
Hayley takes my dad’s outstretched hand in hers and looks back at me with a look of terror. I have to make this right for all of us. It won’t be easy, but I don’t think I can close off my parents again. Not when the love I once had for them slams into my gut, reminding me I had only pretended to erase them from my life.
My mom was always my rock, my anchor. She was the one who could love me at my most unlovable moments. My dad was the voice of reason, who always made time for a boy who worshipped him. They never stopped being my parents or the people I loved. That’s why these years have been so difficult. I held onto their betrayal and let it take over every inch of who I was. Almost every inch of who I am. Even the bitterness I felt toward them couldn’t snake its arms around the love I still felt for them.
I need today just as much as Hayley does. I can only hope I can leave their house with all three of them in my life. Because if I had to choose, I’d choose Hayley. She’s my future. But I’d long for my parents the same way I’ve done for years, only this time I won’t be able to deny it.
“Inside,” I instruct everyone and with my dad’s hands in hers, Hayley follows me into the house.
I look back at Hayley several times to make sure she’s okay, but she just smiles at me uncertainly. I want so badly to pick her up and take her from this place, from these people who have caused her nothing but pain. I want to protect her, but she won’t let me. And what’s more, I can’t let myself do it. Not if I want my parents back.
Trying to maintain a sense of normalcy, my mom comes into the living room with a tray full of glasses of water. Hayley is the first to take a glass and drinks majority of it in one gulp. She looks back at me again and waits patiently for me to start, but I’m having a hard time forming any words in my mouth. I want to make everyone happy, but don’t think it’ll be possible.
“I don’t understand,” my dad manages to strangle out.
“Don’t be silly.” My mom hits him on the shoulder playfully when she sits down next to him. “Our son is back and brought a beautiful young lady with him.”
“No.” He shakes his head in denial.
“Dad-“ I start, but Hayley interrupts me.
“Mr. Davis. Sir.” She clears her throat. “My name is Hayley Bell.”
“No.” He shakes his header harder this time.
“Yes, sir,” she continues undeterred. “I know you think you recognize me-”
“You-you died. Five years ago. You died.”
“No, sir.” Hayley gets up from the couch and walks slowly to my dad where she crouches down in front of him. She places a hand on his knee, trying to comfort the very man who brought her the worst pain in her life. “My sister, Hannah, died five years ago.”
“Your sister?” he asks, while my mom inhales sharply, finally understanding what is transpiring.
“Yes, my twin sister. I understand my sister and you had an affair just before she died.” Hayley looks back at my mom apologetically and my mom nods silently as tears roll down her face, but my dad stays quiet. “It’s okay,” Hayley tells them. “It’s time for me to let it go.”
She looks back at both of them and smiles warmly at my parents. Hayley then reaches into her back pocket and hands my dad a piece of paper that he immediately opens with jerky movements that show just how nervous he is.
“What is this?” He stands up suddenly, pushing Hayley and my mom back with his erratic movements.
“It’s Hannah’s suicide letter.”
I get up from the couch and put my arms around Hayley, who leans into me as soon as she senses my closeness. I kiss the side of her head and run my hand over her arm.
“I don’t want this! Why would you give this to me?”
My dad’s anger springs from every corner of the room and I step toward him, ready to defend Hayley and her actions. They’re hers to make and mine to support, because she has a right to this. To put her grief to rest and let it rest on his shoulders.
I leave Hayley’s side to grab my dad’s shoulders but he turns on me quickly, pinning me to the wall while his eyes widen when he looks over at Hayley. Instinct immediately kicks in and I knee him in the stomach and am about to punch him when Hayley gets in the middle of us.
She yells at me, and I don’t hear her over the ringing in my own ears. But I see her and her eyes plead with me to stop, so I do. I take a couple steps so that Hayley is behind me and stare at my dad who is lying on the floor bleeding, daring him to come toward me again. He slowly gets up from the floor and wipes his mouth of the blood dripping from open cut he must have gotten when he hit the floor and takes a step toward us.
“Now, listen here.”
“No, you listen,” Hayley’s voice is dangerously low as she glares back at my dad through silted eyes. “The most important person in my life was taken from me. I live with that every day. Every time I breathe, it’s a reminder that I’m alive and she’s not. I don’t hold you accountable for what she did—they were her actions, her decisions. But I do expect you to treat me with the respect I deserve and not belittle the pain of my past. Look at her letter, read it, and then throw it out for all I care. But at least admit that she was a part of your life. Maybe she wasn’t important to you, but she was important to me, and you shouldn’t just go about your life pretending she didn’t even exist.” She steps forward, away from the safety I’m offering her and points at me as she continues to speak. “That’s your son. The only son you have. I want you to be in his life,” she says, surprising both of us. “But you have to take the next step. It’s all on you.”
My mom walks around my dad and hesitates for a
second before hugging Hayley. Hayley stiffens against the sudden embrace, but eventually puts her arms around my mom and strokes her back as my mom cries in her arms. I watch them in disbelief. I’m not sure who is comforting whom, but they both seem to need each other so I leave them to it.
Hayley’s forgiven them with the same ease she forgave me. She’s not holding them accountable or cursing their very existence. Instead, she’s giving us the opportunity to be a family again. She tried to comfort my dad and is now openly comforting my mom. I feel my heart soar as I watch my girl and my mom embrace, find comfort in one another, and let go of the past.
My dad walks around them and pats me on the back once so I follow him to the kitchen where he opens up a beer for himself and me. He watches me for a long moment before he puts his beer down on the counter and sighs deeply.
“I never meant for that girl to kill herself,” he says quietly. “I know you think I didn’t care, but I did. I still do. Every day I’m haunted by her face and the sadness that overtook it when I told her we couldn’t see each other anymore.” His eyes drift to the kitchen window and he stares out of it for so long I’m sure he’s forgotten I’m there. “I never should’ve had an affair. Not that it matters, but that was my last affair. I don’t know that she killed herself because of me, but I know I broke a part of her. I thought she’d move on. She was so young, Max. She had her whole life ahead of her. I was just one guy. One old perverted piece of shit that should never have touched her and left her dirty.” He brings his head down to his hands and rests them on the kitchen counter. “I never should have touched her,” he repeats.
“You can’t undo the past,” Hayley says quietly from behind us and we both turn around startled. “It’s in the past.” She shrugs. “Hannah died for a lot of reasons, not simply because you broke her heart. She loved too deeply, felt too much, and I think eventually it got to her. She’s gone,” Hayley whispers. “But we’re still here. So, I want us all to start living. I mean it and I don’t care if it sounds cheesy. We need to start living and be happy that we’re alive. For Hannah.” She smiles and shrugs her shoulder and I pull her to me and kiss her forehead.
“For Hannah,” I repeat and am rewarded with another one of Hayley’s smiles.
“We can do that,” my mom agrees. “For Hannah.”
I don’t know that any of us will ever truly move past what has left us broken, but we’ll make a valiant attempt at it. Not just for Hannah, but for the woman who saw past every one of my demons and saw me for who I am at the core of my being. The one who loved me when I carried the ugliness inside of me that I believed made me unlovable. Who looked at my parents and not only forgave them, but told them to forgive themselves. Who gave me my family back and gave living a meaning.
My Hayley.
She carries a torch inside of her that glows even in the darkest hours. She loves completely and lives without remorse. She teaches everyone she meets the very definition of living. Not merely existing, which is what I was doing until I met her.
But I don’t want to simply exist anymore, I want to live. And I want to live with her by my side forever.
We stayed at my parents’ house until after dinner and slowly my parents and I started to mend our relationship with the encouragement from the woman who had every reason to hate them. We didn’t speak of Hannah again until my mom walked us out and apologized for acting as if Hannah’s life didn’t matter all those years ago. I realize now it was her way of coping with my dad’s infidelity and the traumatic result of that infidelity. Hayley simply nodded at my mom and hugged her as she whispered something in her ear.
The drive back home is quiet, with only the sound of our breathing breaking the silence. Normally, Hayley would be changing the stations on the radio between songs, but she’s lost in her own thoughts so I leave her to them.
Janus greets us by the door and Hayley gets on her knees to hug his big head. After a quick shower, Hayley and I crawl into bed and I pull her close to me.
“You’re amazing, Hay,” I whisper into her ear and kiss it.
“I know,” she says and I can hear the smile behind her words. “I’m glad you and your parents are gonna work things out.”
“You know, out of all the scenarios I played in my head, what you did never even entered my mind.”
“Then, you should have asked me what my plan was.”
She rolls over to face me and I rub the back of my hand over her cheek.
“It would have saved me from months of worry,” I say and she laughs. “But, why, Hay?” I still don’t understand how she could be so forgiving.
“Because I love you,” she says simply. “Your happiness is mine, and when I saw you hug your mom I knew it was the only choice I could make. I wasn’t completely sure I could up until that point.” She hugs my waist and when she inches away from me, she shrugs her shoulders uncertainly. “I also did it because I don’t want to hold onto grudges—either of us. I want to be free of the pain and anger, so all that’s left is us. Just you and me, Max.”
“What did her letter say?” I ask, wanting the last bit that she’s letting go of said.
“Just for me to be happy and seek the light and sun in everyday life. That’s what I found with you—my happiness. And I refuse to live a single day without the sun by my side.”
“I can live with that.”
Max, Dee, Adam, Josie, and I arrived in Bimini three hours ago, but aside from dropping off our luggage and putting on our swimsuits, we haven’t done much of anything. Not that anyone really minds, except maybe Josie and me. None of us really get the chance to be lazy, so I’m sure they’re all relishing in the inactivity. But, already, my limbs are growing antsy, eager to go to the beach and play with Josie on the shore.
I sigh dramatically on the couch next to Max and see his lips twitch into a small smile when he lies down and puts his head on my lap. Needing some kind of movement, I run my fingers through his hair, only pulling it when he closes his eyes.
“Don’t get too comfortable,” I warn him. “We’re going to the beach as soon as Dee gets here.”
“Yes, dear,” he agrees and I pat his head like the good boy he is.
I get up quickly, dropping Max’s head on the couch, when I hear Josie’s happy voice outside our door and quickly grab our beach bag. With our friends by our side, we walk to the beach and drop our belongings under an umbrella that is provided by the resort. Before I run to the water with Josie, Max takes my hand and kisses my cheek on a slow exhale.
Keeping my hand tucked in his, he says, “I feel like everything in my life has led me to you. Every misstep, every tear, and every smile. I no longer regret any of it, because it all led me to right now, with you. Given the opportunity, I wouldn’t change any of it, because what if I did one thing differently and missed out on meeting you? I can’t chance that.”
With my hand still in his, he kneels down in front of me. I put a trembling hand to my lips and smile down at Max, my Max. We’ve come a long way, and this moment proves it’s all been worth it. Every misstep, every tear, and every smile has brought us together. When we’re together, it all seems worth it, you know?
“Hayley,” he interrupts my thoughts and my eyes meet his. I push back the tears needing to see him clearly. “You’re my best friend, my heart, my soul, the very thing that keeps me alive. I love you, I breathe you, I live for you. In every lifetime we’re given, through every version of reality, my soul would find yours and choose you. Every time.” He reaches into the pocket of his swimming trunks and hands me a small black box. “Marry me.” It’s not a question, but I can still hear the uncertainty in his voice.
I kneel down in front of him and cup his face in my hands. His eyes shine back at me, promising me a forever I’d only dreamt about. I only get the chance to nod my head once before his lips crash into mine. I put my arms around his neck and pull him down until we are both lying on the sand, making silent promises to one another only our hearts can hear.
“Let’s go,” she tells me, and I’m certain she’s lost her mind so I shake my head at her unwilling to leave the perfect little space Max and I are creating.
“You won’t be gone long,” Max promises and I squint my eyes back at him in confusion. Wait, he wants me to go?
“We don’t have all day,” Dee complains.
“You ruined the perfect proposal,” I tell Dee and huff out an exasperated breath when I get up. “Both of you did.” I look pointedly at Max and Dee, but can’t really feel the anger behind my words.
“In a few minutes, I’ll make it up to you.” He takes my hand and kisses the palm before pushing me away.
“Another surprise?” Max laughs at my eagerness while Dee pulls me away from the beach and toward the house she and Adam rented for the weekend.
“We don’t have much time.”
Dee ushers me in and leads me to her bedroom where she opens the closet and brings out a white dress. Not just any white dress, but my wedding dress. The one I tried on when pretending to be a bride.
“I don’t understand.” I touch the dress gently, afraid it’ll vanish and this will all be a lavish dream.
“It’s your dress,” Dee explains, hugging me. “I couldn’t let someone else wear your dress. I went back and bought it the very next day. And when Max told Adam he wanted to propose to you, I had the tear and stain fixed.”
“But what’s it doing here?” Because, seriously, who buys a wedding dress for someone else and brings it to a small island in The Bahamas? Crazy, emotional, pregnant ladies, that’s who. Or more accurately, crazy, emotional, pregnant best friends with porn star boobs and the cutest five month baby bump.
“You’re so dense.” She laughs and just then my parents step into the room and embrace me. Startled, I simply stare at them wide eyed and confused.