Spies on Bikes

by Dennis Forster

  ‘Prince Hal,’ said Marigold, ‘you drove the MG like a racing driver. You were wonderful.’

  Harry blushed.

  ‘Stay for dinner, CB,’ said Sir Charles.

  ‘I’m dressed for the trenches, not dinner … nothing to change into.’

  ‘If it comes to war, I rather think dressing for dinner will not be a priority. A chap will be too busy trying to stay alive.’

  ‘Very kind, I’m sure, but I have to get back. The undertaker’s calling to talk about Pruney’s funeral. I do hope I haven’t missed the fellow. At times like this tradesmen take advantage. They tell you a time that is convenient for them … know you are too down to argue. He’ll put the price up, I know he will. He’ll charge me more because I’m a major … thinks I have money because I breed horses.’

  ‘CB,’ said Lady Elizabeth, ‘I apologise … all that has been happening has made us forget dear Pruney.’

  ‘Some of us more than others.’ He looked at Harry. ‘She was in love with you, you know?’

  ‘If the dear girl had lived we might have become relatives. Charles and I would have liked that very much, wouldn’t we, Charles?’

  ‘Yes … yes, if there’s anything we can do to help, just say the word.’

  ‘Put a saddle on Ginger. I’ll ride home.’

  ‘Let me give you a hug,’ said Marigold. ‘Am I forgiven for stealing Ginger?’

  ‘You did not steal, you borrowed. I’m a widower, you know. You ride like an angel. That’s what made me fall in love with my wife. When she rode to hounds she’d no fear of jumping a five-barred gate. She used to tell me, “CB, you are a good jumper, but I’m better.” I didn’t mind her saying that … it was true, you see.’

  ‘I’m pretty good on a horse,’ said Harry. ‘Isn’t that so, Uncle Charles?’

  ‘Of course you are, my dear,’ said Lady Elizabeth. ‘CB, when are you going to measure our Rolls-Royces to see if they can be used as ambulances?’

  ‘I’m giving a talk tonight at the Institute on that very subject. “How to make Extraordinary use of the Ordinary.” I don’t feel like giving a talk, I can tell you … personal circumstances being what they are, but my country needs me, so I will. In peacetime who’d ever think of using a Rolls-Royce as an ambulance? Perhaps, Marigold, you might be interested in attending? Front row seat … won’t miss a word of what I have to say.’

  ‘That’s very kind, CB, but if you don’t mind I won’t commit myself. I have letters to write to the President.’

  ‘Of which organisation?’

  ‘The United States of America.’

  ‘Oh, that President. I fear the good Lord has dealt me a bad hand. I can’t compete with Roosevelt. Bert, take me to Ginger. He at least will be pleased to see me. Sir Charles, Lady Elizabeth, Harry, Marigold, I bid you all good afternoon. Please don’t show me out. I know you have matters of great import to discuss. If I’m to catch the undertaker I’ll have to give Ginger the spur. With your permission, Charles, I’ll take the short cut over the top field.’

  ‘Of course, anything … anything we can do to help.’

  ‘Elizabeth, where’s my Dundee cake?’

  ‘I don’t know. Let me think … you know I do believe I put it on Bashful’s roof … you know, when we saw Marigold, though of course at the time we didn’t know it was Marigold, stealing, I mean, borrowing Ginger. It will have fallen off the roof. When you get home look in the grass beside your front door.’

  ‘If the coffin filler finds it first he’ll keep it. I know this fellow, had dealings with him when my wife died.’

  ‘No time to lose then, is there?’ said Sir Charles.

  26

  As soon as CB and Bert had left Lady Elizabeth said, ‘Charles, you were naughty to make me pour tea for my own butler.’

  ‘Lizzie,’ said Marigold, ‘think of it as practice for how things will change if war does break out.’

  ‘I’m assuming, Marigold,’ said Sir Charles, ‘that before the incident of the shooting, Mike appraised you of my suspicions?’

  ‘You mean before he fainted at the sight of his own blood?’ said Lady Elizabeth.

  ‘He did.’

  ‘And?’

  ‘I am prepared to go along with your plan. The shooting removed my last doubts.’

  ‘The story we will concoct may make you seem less than a model of efficiency. I suspect your compatriots may take advantage.’

  ‘Will someone please tell me what’s going on?’ said Harry. ‘I’m nineteen and when this war starts I will be fighting for my king and country … so, if it’s not too much trouble …’

  ‘Shall we?’ said Sir Charles.

  ‘I’m not sure,’ said Marigold, ‘he could be a security risk.’

  ‘Stop teasing.’

  ‘Harry,’ said Lady Elizabeth, ‘I know just how you feel … no one ever tells me anything.’

  ‘It’s O’Neil,’ said Sir Charles.

  ‘Is he the one my aunt made you think was not a full shilling?’

  ‘Your dear, kind, generous aunt was the first to lift the stone; since then discreet enquiries have been made. A picture is emerging. The British Embassy in Washington has been working overtime. At dinner, please do not sit and stare at him. He may not be the ogre we think. When you skimmed our rooftops this morning he thought you were trying to kill him. He was not amused by your daredevil antics.’

  ‘I thought you were wonderful, Harry. I knew it was you,’ said Lady Elizabeth. ‘Marigold, he was so low … Harry has his very own aeroplane. People were frightened he would crash. I wasn’t … he is such a wonderful pilot.’

  ‘What’s your crate?’ said Marigold.

  ‘I beg your pardon?’

  ‘What kind of plane do you own?’

  ‘It’s a Puss Moth.’

  ‘Mine’s a Tiger Moth.’

  ‘You fly?’

  ‘Got my aviator’s licence before I got my driver’s licence.’

  ‘Wow!’

  ‘How very American,’ said Lady Elizabeth.

  ‘The scare you gave O’Neil, Harry,’ said Sir Charles, ‘made him cuddle his golf bag the way you used to cuddle Pumpkin. Do you remember that game we used to play? If The Hall was on fire and you could only save one thing, what would you pick? You, Harry, always said you’d save Pumpkin. I wonder … would O’Neil save his golf bag? And if so, why? He’s very attached to it.’

  ‘Pumpkin is my teddy bear,’ explained Harry. ‘I still have him. He’s my mascot, now. All the chaps in the squadron have mascots.’

  ‘I have a stuffed rattlesnake,’ said Marigold. ‘I killed it when I was ten. Daddy had it stuffed for me.’

  ‘Fathers will do anything for their daughters,’ said Lady Elizabeth. ‘He must love you very much.’

  ‘O’Neil,’ said Sir Charles, ‘is not a member of the Anglo-American club. Further, I now know he pulled strings to be my guest. He arrives on Tyneside at the same time as the Irish bombers. Your aunt tells me he is anti-British and back home is a known supporter of Ireland for the Irish Movement. What is he doing here drinking … I was going to say, “My champagne” but the fellow’s one of those odd bod teetotallers … drinking my tap water? Do you know him, Marigold?’

  ‘I know he doesn’t play golf.’

  ‘Perhaps it’s a new passion,’ said Lady Elizabeth. ‘Charles once had a passion for stamp collecting, didn’t you, Charles? It lasted a whole year. It sort of flared up and then burnt itself out. Mr O’Neil came across to me as a very nice man.’

  ‘Even if O’Neil is not connected to the Irish bombers,’ said Sir Charles, ‘the question Lord Frederick and I have been asking is, why are the Nazis and the Irish Republicans fraternising? What’s their game? Marigold has agreed to keep her run-in with the latter sub judice. If O’Neil should be playing a double game I think it a sensib
le precaution not to let him know, Marigold, that you are able to identify his possible contacts.’

  ‘I agree.’

  ‘I say,’ said Harry, ‘if O’Neil is sharing a bed with these … Republicans, he’s involved in Pruney’s murder. If it’s ever proven you’ll have to tie my hands behind my back. I’m telling you, if I get my hands on him, I’ll punch him on the nose.’

  ‘Not a good idea, Harry, he’s bigger than you. If an involvement is proven, we’ll let the law decide his fate. Now, what’s our story going to be? First of all there was no shooting this afternoon. Mike is in hospital because he ran the Rolls off the road. Marigold borrowed Ginger to tell us Mike needed help. When one lies one should stick as close to the truth as possible,’ said Sir Charles.

  ‘And,’ said Marigold, ‘how did I find myself in a railway station as remote as a cavalry fort in Wyoming?’

  ‘You got lost.’

  ‘Because I’m a silly woman and that’s what women do, get lost?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘I do not like to be made to look foolish but if Mike is to be made an incompetent driver and all for the sake of saving the British Empire, then, count me in.’

  ‘Thank you, Marigold. If it comes to war I hope your President will be as helpful. Now, I suggest we disperse. I am missing my afternoon nap.’

  ‘Charles must have his nap,’ said Lady Elizabeth. ‘Without his nap he is quite useless.’

  ‘Dinner is at seven-thirty. Snifters will be served on the terrace at seven. Listen for the gong.’

  ‘Excuse me,’ said Marigold, ‘but what am I going to wear?’

  ‘Ah, the small matter of your missing luggage.’

  ‘It’s not a small matter to me.’

  ‘My dear,’ said Lady Elizabeth, ‘my dresser is a wizard with a needle. I assure you, at dinner, you will look stunning.’

  ‘On a practical note,’ said Sir Charles, ‘it would be helpful if no one bathed in a full bath of hot water. The boiler is limited. Now, I suggest we don’t all leave together. We don’t want to give the impression of a meeting breaking up, do we? Harry, you go first.’

  ‘Shall I whistle?’

  ‘Good idea … nonchalance … not a care in the world.’

  27

  Sir Charles lay on top of the bed, eyes shut. As his wife kept reminding him he was no longer a young man. He thanked the Good Lord that Mike was in no danger. His prayer was born of deep personal conviction. Life was not pointless. In the trenches he’d seen atheists pray.

  The Americans were all younger than himself. Was that why they were so full of energy? Or, were they like that because they were Americans? They had thought the largest of his fields, “kinda like a model of the real thing”.

  ‘Your brandy and soda, sir.’

  He opened his eyes. ‘Where am I?’

  ‘In bed, sir.’

  ‘Bert, you know I don’t drink this early. You have made a mistake. Not at all like you.’

  ‘It’s my cover, sir.’

  ‘I beg your pardon?’

  ‘It’s my cover, sir, my excuse for disturbing you, sir. It concerns the American in the Blue Room. He gave me this.’

  From a pocket Bert pulled out a five pound note.

  ‘That’s a handsome tip.’

  ‘It’s not a tip, sir. It is, “Bert, keep your mouth shut money.” He thinks I know something he doesn’t want me to know.’

  ‘And do you?’

  ‘What I seen was odd, sir, that’s all. Such times as these makes even easy going men like me suspicious.’

  ‘He’s the gentleman who doesn’t drink?’

  ‘That’s right, sir. Mr O’Neil.’

  ‘Prefers golf to shooting?’

  ‘That’s him, sir.’

  ‘Never trust a man who doesn’t take a dram, Bert. Hitler’s a teetotaller, don’t you know? If you had come to me with suspicions about any other guest but this fellow, I’d have been sceptical … sit yourself down.’

  ‘Thank you, sir.’

  ‘Let’s share the brandy.’

  Another glass was found.

  ‘It’s his golf clubs, sir … his Mashie-Niblick is not as long as it should be.’

  28

  ‘Charles, what are these two glasses doing in here?’ said Lady Elizabeth. ‘May I remind you, Charles … this is a bedroom? Why one balloon and one tumbler?’ She sniffed the tumbler. ‘Brandy … why is it here and not in the bathroom? And please don’t tell me it has legs and walked in here by itself. Tumblers, as both you and I know, Charles, do not have legs.’

  ‘It tumbled.’

  ‘Don’t be clever. You never drink in the bedroom unless you have a head cold. You’re not ill, are you? If Mike hadn’t been in hospital I’d have suspected him of leading you astray. Who is the guilty party this time … one of the Americans? They are all high consumers, except of course, O’Neil.’

  ‘He is the guilty party.’

  ‘He’s one of those, is he … says he’s teetotal but knocks it back in private.’

  ‘Bert was my drinking companion, O’Neil was its cause.’

  ‘Bert? Our butler has enjoyed a meteoric rise in status this afternoon. I, mistress of The Hall, pour out his tea when he is paid to pour out mine … and now I find he is your secret drinking companion. You should not have asked me to pour, Charles … you really shouldn’t. What I found shocking was the fact that our butler did not appear to be in the least fazed … took to being waited on like a duck to water. What Marigold must have thought, I do not know … the mistress of an English country house pouring her butler a cup of tea.’

  ‘She will have thought you enlightened. Americans love informality. May I now tell you why Bert served me a drink in our bedroom?’

  ‘Will we be murdered in our beds?’ said Lady Elizabeth after digesting her husband’s explanation.

  ‘Highly unlikely.’

  ‘I wish Mike was here.’

  ‘Because he’s a good man with whom to go to the well?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘You know, my dear, Mike can’t win. You accuse him of overfamiliarity, then, as soon as he’s out of action you want him sleeping outside our bedroom door with a shotgun.’

  ‘I wouldn’t give him a pillow but he could have a chair.’

  ‘You are too hard on the poor fellow.’

  ‘Not after what Jack told me.’

  ‘What’s our little Puck been up to now?’

  ‘He says … Mike says, “I know everything”.’

  ‘Is that not a compliment?’

  ‘You know as well as I do the tone of voice in which Mike would have made the remark … “that woman, she knows everything”.’

  ‘What a good impersonation … can you do a cuckoo?’

  ‘Charles, you may find it amusing … I do not.’

  ‘I can hear him saying it.’

  ‘So can I … that’s what makes it so annoying. You should have him horse whipped.’

  ‘But you’d still like him on guard?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘You’d trust him with your life?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘And, so would I. Jack is a mischief-maker. For his age he is too knowing. He has an old head on young shoulders. Now that I’ve employed him as the Eyes and Ears of The Hall he’ll not have time for tittle-tattle. Without his vigilance I’d not have known of O’Neil’s trip to the telephone box. If the fellow had nothing to hide he’d have used The Hall’s telephone.’

  ‘I do hope George gets on with Jack.’

  ‘Since dashing off to rescue Mike I’ve not seen my grandson. I suppose they’ll bump into each other, sooner or later. Having someone the same age to play with will be good for both of them … keep them out of mischief.’

  ‘They should not be allowed to
run wild.’

  ‘I did at their age, it’s done me no harm.’

  ‘It’s made you eccentric. Freddy and Dot think you’re eccentric.’

  ‘Freddy has a train set.’

  ‘Because of your melon infatuation we’ve missed Ascot twice. Our set think us … standoffish. Do you know it’s a year since we were in London?’

  ‘Have you been discussing me with Harry?’

  ‘I don’t have to. Harry and I think the same. You are in grave danger of forgetting your class. You were not born in a pigsty … no matter how much you might like to think you were, you were not. However hard you try, you will always prefer claret to beer. Your tailor in London makes your cloth caps.’

  ‘Is my socialism the reason I’m thought eccentric?’

  ‘We must be the only titled family in England with an armed butler.’

  ‘The Webley is not loaded.’

  ‘After recent events I think it should be. It seems to me, Charles, that it is time to stop playing games.’

  ‘Dressing for dinner is playing a game … as outmoded as burning heretics.’

  ‘I disagree. I do hope you’ve not encouraged the Americans to dine without jackets?’

  ‘Showing off their braces?’

  ‘Charles, please, do not tease.’

  ‘To make our guests feel at home I told them it was their choice to dress or not to dress for dinner. They are forever telling me how free and easy they are in the New World.’

  ‘But, Charles, we always dress for dinner. What will the servants think waiting on men in lounge suits?’

  ‘Bert will love it. He has socialist leanings.’

  ‘Well, I don’t.’

  ‘The good news is … the Americans insist on dressing for dinner.’

  ‘I am not surprised. It is my experience that Americans have good manners.’

  ‘I think it shows their imperialist streak. They copy what they profess to despise. The eagle is a predatory bird. Their capital buildings are modelled on those of Ancient Rome. They have senators. We all know how ambitious Rome was. They can’t wait to take over our Empire? When they do, Bombay will be full of fast food shops selling hamburgers. One informality I have agreed with them is that we call each other by our familiar names. From now on, you are Elizabeth and I am Charles. I do think Marigold went too far calling you Lizzie.’