Kira hugged me saying, “No matter what Rachael, you are not alone. I’m here for you.” Then reminded me with fear in her voice, “What about your mom?”
My nerves were bad, my face was hot, and my body wouldn’t stop shaking. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do at that point, but I knew one thing for sure; I needed to get rid of the baby before my mother found out.
I responded angrily, not at Kira but from my situation, “Thank you for reminding me, and that is exactly why I’m not going back home.”
Reality set in as I told Kira about a situation that happened when I was younger.
“I mean… she dislocated my shoulder in the tenth grade because she didn’t like the grades I brought home, so what makes you think she wouldn’t take my life when she finds out about the baby.”
Shook, Kira asked, “Wow, really?”
“But you’re seventeen and about to graduate from high school, so running away is a very bad idea.” Kira said.
I knew it was a bad idea, but running away was the best decision I had at that time.
“I know,” I said while grabbing the door handle preparing to sit inside the car. “But there is no other option at this point; and hell, I don’t even know where to run to.”
We sat in her car; clueless about the near future. Assessing my situation, I started talking, staring straight ahead, with my focus out the front windshield; not looking at Kira, not really looking at anything.
“My grandmother died of a heart attack when I was a little girl, and my mother cut everybody out of our lives soon after. I have no contact with my aunties or my uncles”.
“I still think it’s a bad idea, and you know running away will kill your mother with worries.”
Shrugging off the thought of picturing my mom being worried, I said, “Yeah, well after a few shots of her favorite drink, she’ll get over it. Besides, I would rather let her drink her grief away, than to beat this baby out of me.”
At that moment, I snapped back to reality.
Starting the car, Kira said, “Don’t say that, you know your mom loves you, and she cares about you. Drinking might just be her way of coping with her life choices. And yes, she may be too harsh on you sometimes.”
Transferring my aggression, I snarled at Kira, “Well she has a horrible way of showing her love for me!” I barked, “Fuck that! She’s always harsh!”
I was ready to leave that parking lot, but I didn’t want to go home yet. I was so confused. I felt out of control, loss even. I wanted to cry, but I had no more tears left. I could hear Kira talking but I didn’t want to talk about it anymore. I needed a break.
“My parents, they’re harsh too sometimes,” Kira said. “The only difference is they don’t drink and that’s only because they weren’t raised like that,” she continued as she looked at me and smiled.
Now in defense mode I looked at Kira with a confused glare. My voice betrayed me when it came out in almost a whisper.
“My mother was not raised like that either. My grandmother was the best mother to her. I wish I had a mother like that. At least your parents love you; they still till this day make sure you are happy. Hell, they spend time with you when they can right?” I said angrily shaking my head. “But my mom on the other hand would rather chase after men, and leave me home by myself, then come home and take her anger out on me when the day didn’t go her way. I’m not even sure if she even loves me.”
Kira looked at me odd and I was not sure if it was from the surprise from my confession or pity.
“Damn Rachael, give your mom a little credit.”
“For what?” I asked not changing my tone. Not giving Kira a chance to respond, I continued with my rant, “Well, she is not my problem anymore; this thing I’m carrying in my belly is. So, I’m done talking about it!”
“Ok fine! What about Kenny?”
Confused and irritated with the question, I asked, “What about him?”
Kira responded, “Well since he is the father, he can at least help you fix this problem.”
I gave no response because I was trying to avoid talking about him.
The ride seemed to be taking forever. I wanted to get out of the car before the question that I had no answer to continues. I didn’t even know where we were anymore. Everything just became a blur of street signs, colored lights with the steady hum of the road sounding like boring background music or white noise.
For a few moments it was quiet. Then Kira broke the silence by asking, “Well what are you going to do?”
Feeling exasperated from the last argument. I didn’t want to continue with the discussion anymore, but the talk was helping me cope with my decision. So with annoyance in my voice, I responded with, “About what Kira?” I knew where she was going, so I interrupted her reply and continued to answer my own question. “I don’t want to keep the baby, but I don’t have any money, and I don’t suppose they do abortions on credit.”
I was getting more worn down by the minute as we continued to talk about my situation. Kira came back with what she thought was a solution.
“Well, you can at least talk to Kenny and get him to help you with the money for an abortion.”
I took a deep sigh and shook my head before I said anything else. I already played out that scenario in my head. Kira knew who Kenny was. I mean she had met him. But she just doesn’t really know him. The way I felt about Kenny was private, and I didn’t want anybody knowing about how I felt about him, not even my best friend Kira. I think I felt for his cocky act and also him being straightforward, unlike the other boys who tried to sweet talk their way into my panties.
I first met Kenny one day after school, while waiting for Kira who had been in detention. She received detention for standing up for me from the ‘queen bee’ Denise McLoggin. She was beautiful and had everyone at the school eating out of the palm of her hand, everyone but Kira. That made me her victim being Kira’s best friend. On this particular day, Denise and her band of tramps caught me alone in the lunchroom waiting for Kira to join me, what was holding her I didn’t know. But I wished she would hurry being that I hated being alone and I’ve always felt that people stared at me because they knew just by looking at me that I was the mistake of the town whore.
“So, where is your bodyguard?”
I looked at her and her band of tramps and shrugged my shoulders.
“What, you don’t speak? Didn’t that whore of a mother teach you that it’s rude not to speak when someone is speaking to you?”
I looked at her for a moment and turned my gaze back to my lunch.
“Oh I forgot; the whore actually has to be home to teach her anything instead of out chasing dicks.” Her band of tramps chimed in with their laughter.
I kept my eyes fixed on my tray.
“Speak BITCH!” she shouted and gains the attention of the entire lunch room.
I wanted to disappear.
“Hey Denise, why don’t you go back to the hole your mother shit you out of.”
I smiled and looked up at Kira who was now standing beside me.
“Oh Kira, we were just asking about you,” Denise spoke still looking at me.
“Well you have seen me. I’m well and fine, can I help you with anything else?” Kira answered.
“She won’t always be there to protect you,” Denise spoke, never taking her eyes off of me.
“Yeah? I sure will be there to avenge you all one by one, try me Denise and I will bury you and your fucking skanks. So walk away.”
Denise looked at Kira as if to call her bluff.
“Now,” Kira whispered and sat down next me and looked at me. “I’m fine.”
“She’s right you know; you need to stand up for yourself kid.”
I nodded my head and hugged her.
“I love you.”
“I love you too,” she said and hugged me back.
“Miss Simons, I see you are causing trouble again.”
Our hug was interrupted by Mr. Miller the chemistry
teacher.
“No Mr. Miller just having lunch.”
He stared at her as if to will her confession.
“That is what Denise McLoggin and her friends said.”
“Did you ask Denise what she did Mr. Miller?”
“Detention, after school.”
“But Mr. Miller...” I intended to prove my friend’s innocents.
“Would you like to join her as well Miss Reed?”
“No Mr. Miller, she was just saying how handsome you looked today,” Kira answered for me.
“Three p.m. Miss Simons; don’t be late,” he left us to our meal.
When Mr. Miller was out of ear range, Kira looked at me, “How much do you want to bet he is giving Denise the business?” we both burst into laughter.
“What are you doing?”
I looked up from my book and saw Kenny towering over me, “Waiting.”
“I see that, but why? School was out 20 minutes ago.”
“I’m waiting for my friend.” I said not knowing why he was making me nervous; I wanted him to leave me alone.
“You’re Rachael right?” he sat down beside me before I could answer him.
“I see you all the time with that one girl, you’re always so quiet.”
I looked at him and smiled, I didn’t know how to respond.
“So what’s your story anyways, why don’t you talk to anyone?” he smiled, “Do you think that you’re too good or something?”
I smiled, “Me, too good?” I asked cutting him the slack of not knowing. If he only knew my life, he would know that was the most untrue statement.
“I just really like to be by myself.” I was shocked by his laughter.
“I can respect that,” he said then stood up and just walked away.
“Kira, I got to tell you something...” I had to brace myself for what I was about to say “…Kenny is sixteen, and besides, I don’t think he has any work skills with the way he runs these streets.”
I didn’t realize that I was waiting for her comeback.
“Damn, are you serious? You’re a cradle robber? Damn, I didn’t know that was your style. If I knew, I would’ve been taking you to the middle school to find a man.”
It came out before I could suppress it; a loud roar of laughter surrounded the car. I needed that even though it didn’t last long, I needed it and she always delivered. She continued after noticing that my laughter faded.
“Ok fine. What do you want to do? You know I am here for you in whatever decision you make.”
Exhausted from the day, I responded, “I don’t know yet. I know I need a place to stay until I find a job to pay for the abortion.”
Chapter 2
Trying to make me feel better she came up with a resolution that would benefit us both.
“You know you can stay at my house right?”
With a hint of embarrassment and worry, I asked her, “But what about your parents?”
“What about them? I mean they don’t have to know. I can sneak you in every day until you get yourself together, or when you do decide to go back home.”
I liked her idea. For one, going home at that point was not an option in my mind, especially with the baggage I was carrying. Nodding my head, I acknowledged her idea.
Smiling at me with a toothy grin she asked, “Staying at my house?”
“Yes.” Even though I was tired, I cracked a little smile as I answered her question.
“Cool,” she said as she drove towards her house.
All she talked about the entire ride home was our new living arrangement. With enthusiasm in her voice she said, “Oh my God, we’re going to be roommates!”
With the reality of the situation bearing on my mind heavily, I responded, “I know.” I was very unhappy knowing what I was about to do.
We finally pulled up in front of her house. It felt like we had been riding forever.
“What’s wrong now?” she said.
Reading my expression, she saw that I still wasn’t happy. How could I be? I’m pregnant, and I just ran away from home.
“Are you not happy that you’re staying with me?” Kira asked with slight irritation in her voice.
“No, no I’m very grateful for your help. I’m just in a bad situation, and I’m really lost right now.”
After my answer, Kira eased up on her interrogations and began to help calm me with her warmth, and understanding.
“Rachael, you’re human. You made a mistake, we all make mistakes. You have to stop beating yourself up over this. How to fix this should be our focus right now.” Without another breath she continued, “You’re doing your best to make things right, and get them back to normal again. So please don’t beat yourself up over this. Let’s find you a job and get rid of this situation.”
I nodded knowing it wouldn’t be that easy. “I know, and thank you for being here for me.” I turned to face her while holding her right hand and said, “You know I wouldn’t be able to do this without you.”
“You’re my best friend, we are all we got,” she said as she flipped our hands over, and then continued to squeeze mine. “I’m here for you.”
We got out of the car. Before I placed my foot on the first step, Kira turned and whispered, “Wait right here, let me make sure everything is clear.”
“Not a problem,” I responded, feeling drained and tired.
She left and came back five minutes later, “Ok, come on in. But we have to be careful; my dad is in the living room watching T.V.”
“Ok,” I said as I followed closely behind her.
Her house was huge, at least to me. The back door leads into the hallway just off the kitchen, so as long as no one was in the kitchen, we wouldn’t be seen.
Her bedroom was upstairs and she has her own private bathroom. Her parent’s bedroom was downstairs across from the living room, towards the front of the house, so we won’t have to walk past her father and his giant flat screen TV. The house could be burning down and he wouldn’t notice as long as the game was on. This idea was looking better by the second as we quickly headed upstairs to Kira’s room. Once in her room, we talked as low as possible so no one would hear us.
“Make yourself at home; I’ll be right back with some food. I’m starving, and I know you are too.”
“Thanks. Oh, and can you bring me a towel to take a shower please?” I asked.
“There are some towels in the bathroom,” Kira responded as she headed out of her bedroom door.
“Ok great.”
Quickly stepping back into the door, Kira said, “But wait until I get back, that way my dad would think I’m the one taking a shower.”
Nodding in acknowledgment, I agreed, “That makes sense, I’ll wait.”
“Cool,” she said, about to leave her room again.
“Thanks again Kira,” I said with a smile as my stomach groaned.
“Your stomach will be thanking me soon too,” she said while we both laughed softly.
“It sure will.”
Kira headed back downstairs to the kitchen as I glanced around her room, and then suddenly felt out of place. Despite the fact that I’ve been in Kira’s room a thousand times which used to feel warm and cozy with all her stuffed animals and painted a cool blue, along with a big bow on the center of her wall. I still couldn’t help but to feel a little bit like an intruder. But that feeling subsided once Kira returned with two sandwiches, an orange soda and an empty cup to split the soda. We sat on her bed and ate. My stomach was definitely thankful.
“You know what just crossed my mind?” I asked after taking the last sip of my soda.
“What?” Kira asked.
“School,” I said with concern.
“What about school?” Kira asked, looking confused.
“When am I going to have time to find a job when we have class Monday thru Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 3:00 p.m.?” I said, while getting up from the bed to head to the shower. My heart was feeling heavier knowing that quitting school was some
thing I was once against.
Drawing a loud breath in, Kira retorted with, “Ughhh, you know I didn’t even think about that. But we can always go look for jobs after school.”
“I might just end up quitting school for now,” I said as a solution.
“Are you stupid? You can’t quit school!” Kira said with a disapproving glare.
Sitting in a chair opposite her and next to the door, I quickly responded, “I may not have a choice.”
“You do have a choice,” she retorted, while clearing up the paper plates, and napkins off the bed.
“But what if I do get a job, and they want me to work full time, then what?” I asked.
“Tell them you’re in school,” she said, while tossing the trash in a nearby waste basket.
“Kira they won’t care about that,” I said while starting to head to the bathroom door.
“Well, if you tell them they might,” she responded as she sat down on the bed facing my direction.
“We’ll see, but I still want to work full time, so I can get the money in enough time to get rid of this baby.”
“Ok, but try not to quit school,” Kira said just before closing the bathroom door.
I turned on the water in the shower as I tried to find the perfect temperature to ease my stress filled body and thought about what my next move would be for the upcoming days. Whatever the plan was going to be, it had to be immediate. I didn’t have much time to clear up the mess I was in. I stood for a moment, looking at my body in the full length mirror. I checked my stomach to see if i could tell; nope, not yet. I continued to look at myself realizing my body was changing. Not from being pregnant, but from becoming a woman. I was starting to see my mother a little bit and that kind of scared me. Even after I have the abortion, my reflection will never look the same to me. I’m definitely not a little girl anymore. I stepped in the tub and slowly submerged my face into the warm refreshing water from the shower head. The rest of my weary body moved under the spray and I proceeded to take the longest shower of my life. My mind raced with a thousand different thoughts, like the thousands of droplet’s bouncing across my skin. I wanted it to stop; I wanted the voice in my head to just shut the fuck up for one second.
Sacrifice Page 2