“Ok but I need your support.”
“I’m here now, just don’t let us have this discussion on you giving her away ever again ok?”
“Ok.”
“This is the time to flex your muscles. I know you will pull through this, if you start acting like the mother that you really are,” he advised.
“Ok I will.”
From that day forward he helped me bond with Ella. We did everything together. Ella never wanted to be alone with me. She didn’t even want me to do anything for her at all; I couldn’t comb her hair or take her to the park, nothing. Charles had to take over my responsibilities as a parent and I couldn’t blame anyone but myself. I tried and I tried but she still saw me as the person who stole her from her family.
The more time Charles spent with us, the more he began to fall in love with the person he says I am. In due time, he became part of the family and he popped the question, which I accepted for the sake of Ella.
“You’re so beautiful and I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you.”
“I love you too,” I said knowing deep in my heart I didn’t love him the way he loved me.
“So will you marry me?”
I sighed and looked at him.
“I just want to start by saying thank you once again for making my daughter feel comfortable, and I know she will love it if you stick around forever, so yes I will marry you.”
“So is that the reason you want to marry me?”
“Does it matter why I want to marry you? Just be happy that I said yes.”
“It’s not good enough for me.”
“Yes, I want to marry you for me how about that?” I said as I kissed him. I know I couldn’t love him because my heart was buried elsewhere, forever. “Now get cleaned up for dinner, it’s almost ready.”
“So when are you going to tell Ella?” he asked.
“We can tell her now,” I responded not having much thought in having something special for marrying the man I didn’t even love.
“You don’t want to take her to a special place to tell her?”
“Ella is going to be happy regardless of where we take her.”
“Why am I getting the feeling that you’re only accepting to marry me for the sake of your daughter?”
“Charles, you don’t know what you’re talking about, please just leave it alone,” I said as I walked out of the room to finish dinner.
I sat in the dining room and looked at Ella sitting across from me, and thought it was the right time to tell her.
“Guess what sweetie?”
“What?” she said as she kept stuffing her face.
“Charles and I are getting married.”
“So I’m gonna be your dad,” Charles said.
“So you never gonna leave?” Ella asked.
“Nope, I’m part of the family now for good, so what do you think?”
“Yay!” she said as she got up and hugged him, “I love you” she said and sat back down without even looking my way.
“I love you too sugar,” I knew right then I would never get the bond I wanted from her.
I sat at the dining room table with them both excited about the wedding and throwing out ideas. I felt invisible.
“What do you think Rachael?” Charles asked.
“Good idea,” I said holding in my pain. I pretended that whole night I was happy, just the way I pretended I loved him when I said my vows on our wedding day to him.
It started to get to me as the days, months and years went by that I was married to a man I didn’t love, but I was married to him for the sake of my child. Charles made me stop working and moved us to his mansion. It would get lonely in that large mansion when Charles would go to work and Ella to school. I stayed home and did the same things the next day that I did the previous day; watch TV, clean and sleep. Sometimes I would get my hair and nails done but nothing filled in the void of my pain.
My treatment ended up becoming alcohol. I became addicted. The alcohol numbed my pain until I was sober again. At first, I would deliberately mask my addiction, but eventually the signs were obvious to Ella and Charles.
“You need to stop this habit of yours, I’m not going to let you do that in front of her,” Charles said.
“I’m not, so leave me alone.”
“I don’t want you doing it period. I refuse to come home to kiss my wife, and all I smell is liquor on your breath? Stop it,” he said as he walked away.
“You know what? All my life, people have been trying to make decisions for me and I am sick of it. Leave me alone, I am not in the mood!”
“I wonder why anyone would want to make decisions for you when you sit here all day and drink!”
“Don’t judge me Charles!”
“I’m not; I just want to help you! It’s not good for Ella to see you like this! You two already don’t get along and I think you should work on that instead of drinking your life away.”
“There is nothing that I can do that will show her how much I love her,” I said as I held back my tears.
“It’s one thing to love, and it’s another to show that you care. You need to show her you care about her.”
I went silent as Charles held on to me when tears started coming down my face.
“It’s going to be ok, just put in the effort and you will see the results,” he said.
“I was never like this Charles; I don’t know how my life ended up this way.”
“Your life hasn’t ended yet, you still have plenty of time to change it, it’s never too late Rachael,” he drew closer to me. “If you can’t do it for yourself, then try and do it for your daughter like you have done everything else for her. She’s a freshman now, she is not a child anymore she knows what’s going on so please stop it.”
“Did she call you to tell you about her first day in school yet?”
“Nope, how did she get there?”
“The bus picked her up in front of the house. They will drop her off in front of the house afterwards.”
“I need you to get rid of all this liquor and any empty bottles.”
“I don’t keep any empty bottle in the house”
“Full or empty, get rid of it.”
“Well, at least let me finish the bottles I have and I will never drink again,” I said with a little smile. Deep inside, I panicked at the thought of trying to stop drinking overnight.
“No! What for?”
“You’re making me stop for good and you can’t even grant me just one wish?”
“It’s not a wish,” he said as he sighed. “Fine, go ahead, and I never want to see another bottle of liquor in this house.”
“Ok, done.”
“Wait, how many bottles do you have?”
I was afraid to answer that.
“Umm, you want the truth?”
“Rachael, don’t play with me.”
“Ok, only three.”
“Only? Where are the bottles?”
“Why?”
“Rachael where are the bottles?”
“They’re underneath our bed.”
He went underneath our bed and pulled out three large bottles of Hennessey. He took two with him, and proceeded to pour them out into the sink.
“Oh my God you’re wasting good liquor!”
“I know. Here, you only need half,” I sighed as I grabbed the half bottle from him.
“Thank you,” I said with an attitude.
“It’s for your own good,” he said as he kissed me, “I got to go back to the office, I’ll see you shortly.”
“Ok,” I sat down and drank my last bottle as I closed my eyes and thought about life.
Ella
I used to just watch my mother drink her life away. It hurt me to think that I was the reason she developed her habit. I never had a chance to choose my mother, I never begged her to take me away from my adopted parents. She insisted.
“How was school?” she said as she opened her eyes to see me standing i
n the living room looking at her with disgust. She was intoxicated.
“Not bad at all.”
“That’s good sweetie, wow you’re a freshman now.”
“I know.”
“I am so proud of you,” she said smiling.
“Quit acting like you care mommy, it really pisses me of,” I said as I walked towards my room.
She got up and followed and asked, “Excuse me?”
“You heard me mommy.”
“Little girl you better watch your mouth you ungrateful bastard,” she looked like she was appalled at what just came out of her own mouth.
“How can you tell me to watch my mouth but you’re so quick to curse up a storm?”
“Because I am your mother and I can do that.”
“Are you sure about that?”
“You know what you pissing me off, get out!”
“Glad too,” I said as I walked to my room.
I hated the sight of her. I felt bad for her because she’s my mother, but I can’t stand the fact that she drinks. I heard she was never the one to drink, and that it was always her own mother who would drink. I guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. She came into my room.
“You know what, you should be lucky to have a mother like me, who loves and cares for you, unlike my mother.”
“Should I?”
“What is wrong with you? It’s like whatever I do is never enough and you’re always so disrespectful to me.”
“Because you don’t act like a mother and you’re embarrassing.”
“How?”
“Mommy, you sit in that black rocking chair and drink your life away!” she yelled then got silent.
“Is that why you hate me?”
“No, I don’t hate you at all, I just don’t like your ways. I am only fourteen and I see my mother drinking while my dad comes home and takes care of me.”
“You wouldn’t understand.”
“Try me,” I said as she sat next to me.
“I don’t know how to be a mother; you never gave me the chance to. My mother didn’t teach me anything. She never even saw you or wanted to meet you.”
“That’s her loss.”
“I know. Every time I try stepping up as a mother to you, you cry and ask for Charles.”
“My dad?” Which is what I called him because he is the only father I knew and I dare not call him a stepfather because he is way more than that.
“Yes your dad. So I just stepped back to make you happy, which is why I started drinking.”
“You started drinking because me?” I felt bad hoping she would say no.
“No sweetie, not because of you. It’s just my selfish way of blocking out all my problems so I wouldn’t have to deal with things momentarily.”
“But I’m a child; you could have done something instead of giving up. All I see every day is you sitting in that chair and drinking.”
“Yeah I know. It’s like I gave up on myself when nothing went my way.”
“That is not a good example mommy.”
“I know, but I can change if you promise to stop giving me a hard time.”
“I don’t mean to mommy, and I can’t promise you it will stop, because all my life I have always thought you resented me because your mother resented you.”
“Oh no baby, your mother is just a weak link who can’t face reality when it’s staring her right in her face. I guess all I have ever done was run away from all my problems and hide, but I promised Charles I would stop drinking after today.”
“Why?”
“Because I love you and I don’t want…” I cut her off before she finished.
“No, I didn’t ask you why you were going to stop drinking, I’m asking why are you running away from your problems,” she looked surprised at my question.
“I guess it started at home, craving my mother’s love, but I never got it, she always made it clear that she was forced to have me. She would always say to me: ‘I might have been forced to have you, but I can never be forced to love you.’ Those were the words that made me lose my sanity. I became insecure thinking no one would ever love me because my mother wouldn’t love me and here I am, having a baby at the age of 18. I lost you when you were first born. I did some stupid stuff thinking it would help me get you back. Your foster parents made it almost impossible for me to get you back until I found Charles.”
“Wow, my dad was already fighting for me even when he didn’t know me.” I had a moment with myself smiling, but things got serious again for me, “But mommy, you got to realize that things happen and you can’t keep running and hiding when trouble comes your way. You’re supposed to stand tall and fight.”
“Oh wow, is this my fourteen year old giving me advice?”
“Yup, I do love you mommy, I just don’t like your ways.”
“I’m trying to change.”
She looked at me and asked, “Do you ever wish you can turn back the hands of time and redo some things over again?”
“Yes!”
“What?”
“To have never let you leave my sight.”
“But what do you think I can do now to make things better for you?” I asked.
“Just love me as I find myself all over again. I feel like I am still locked up somewhere, but with you I know I can find my way.”
“Ok I will do what I can to be there for you and I do love you.”
“Thank you baby,” I said as she hugged me. “So tell me about your new experience at school.”
“It wasn’t that bad, people are just weird; that’s all.”
“But were they mean to you?”
“No mom, they didn’t even talk to me; which is fine by me.”
“You’re just like your mother, very private.”
“Yeah I don’t like people in my face.”
“Me either. So you got any homework?”
“Nope, the first day we just get to know each other I guess.”
“You’re right. So are the boys already checking you out?”
“Mommy, we are not having that conversation,” she said getting up from the bed.
“Come on baby I just want to know,” I said pulling her back.
“I don’t know I wasn’t paying attention.”
“Ok, but you know you can come to me for anything right? And it doesn’t matter how bad it is, I will still be on your side.”
“Ok mommy,” she said as she hugged me again then left the room.
Chapter 6
In my junior year, I sat in class in front of a girl named Reggae. She had blue eyes that I admired, but she seemed to hate her own eyes. People always made jokes about her eyes saying they were fake and that she looked weird. She was dark skin with curly hair and with her ocean blue eyes, she looked quite exotic. I wanted to talk to her one day but she always had a tendency to run off right when the class bell rung and I wouldn’t run after her because I had a fear of her blowing me off. I had seen her around so much, but I never once saw her smile. She looked angry all the time but I could feel this energy about her; that she had a place in her heart where she could be fun to be around. I was interested in getting to know her, I felt like I could understand her but I was still afraid to approach her. At times she sat in the cafeteria alone with a mean mask on her face. I was determined to woman up and step up to her after class or during lunch, wherever I saw her first.
The school bell rang and she zoomed out of class before the teacher could even finish her sentence. The students often made fun of her when she would run out so fast.
“Sorry Mrs. Hayden, her contacts are hurting her eyes,” the other students laughed.
“You don’t know if they are real or fake Ryan.”
“Come on I know your smarter than that, she’s black, black people don’t have blue eyes.”
“You don’t know that Ryan, her father might have blue eyes.”
Mrs. Hayden defending her, made me want to stand up for her too, but I became comfortable wi
th playing an invisible role. I would wear baggy clothes so people wouldn’t see my shape and wouldn’t judge me for my physical appearance.
“Whatever, I still don’t think they’re real and that is my opinion,” Ryan said as he walked out of the class with his friend who also found it funny.
I went to my next class thinking of how to approach her. I wrote it down as the teacher was talking. I was completely tuned out from her class until I heard her call my name.
“Ella?”
“Huh?” the class laughed knowing I was not paying attention.
“What is the definition of ethics?”
“Oh, ethics are what we do on a daily basis, as far as how we are being treated, whether it’s ethical or unethical.”
The class laughed as I put my head down. It wasn’t that I didn’t know what the definition was; the words just didn’t come out right.
“Not quite, I need you to pay more attention in class,” she said as she called on someone else as I tuned out again with shame.
I hated being embarrassed, I hated being laughed at because I couldn’t control how people felt about me, so I often secluded myself and excused myself from reality whenever I was at school. The school bell finally rang for lunch. I walked slowly, thinking about the right words to say to Reggae. I walked to the cafeteria and saw her getting her food and she sat down in the corner where she always sat. I walked towards her hoping for nothing but the best.
“Hel…hello, my name is Ella, what is yours?” she didn’t speak for a minute so I almost walked away in shame until she said something.
“Reggae.”
“H…h…hi. Nice to meet you.”
“Yeah?”
“I just wanted to let you know that your eyes are very beautiful, I wish I had them.”
“No you don’t.”
“Why not? They’re beautiful.”
“Trust me you don’t, because ignorant people will laugh at you for being different.”
“I wish I was different.”
“You wish a lot huh.”
“Yeah but most of them don’t come true though,” she cracked a smile that made me a little comfortable.
“May I sit with you?”
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