“I am sorry for everything I have ever done to you to make you hate me this much. I am sorry on behalf of my donor. I am sorry for everything because I know there has to be something that happened to you to keep hatred deep inside you so that the ones around you will suffer, including your only child!” I shook my head as tears came down my eyes, “You’re my mother and I will always love you and I hope you forgive me one day for something I know I didn’t do.”
She kept silent while turning her back on me as I walked outside knowing I had just lost my mother for good this time.
‘How did this happen?’ I said to myself, ‘How did I lose my mother, my child and my man? I have nobody!’ I cried out loud to myself. I sat in my mother’s parking lot and cried until I was satisfied. Anger grew in me as I called Latif and said, “I don’t care what you say but I am living in that house. I’m going to pay the bills until my money runs out if I don’t get a job by then.”
“You ain’t got money to pay for nothing.”
“That goes to show how dumb you are. You thought I was giving you all the money? Boy you are truly stupid.”
“Excuse me?”
“Yeah you heard me. So I’m staying there till I get my stuff together because you did this to me.”
“Fine, just pay the bills then because I am not going to be able to help you unless you start working for me again.”
“Ha that will never happen, bye.”
“Wai...” I hung up before he even said anything and drove to that hell hole of a house, even though it didn’t feel like home anymore.
I sat in the living room in pain, reminiscing about losing my mother and my man. It all went down so fast, it hurt like hell knowing I had no chance to retaliate, but I was determined to fight for my daughter. I started calling different lawyers inquiring about hiring one to get my daughter back. I finally got in touch with a lawyer whom I was comfortable enough to pour out my situation.
“The only way you can get your daughter back is to prove to the judge that you are a fit mother for your child.”
“How?” I asked.
“First of all, you have to get yourself together because this is a win or lose situation, and there’s no guarantee that you will win. Also, you need a legal, stable job to show the judge you can take care of her financially.”
“I don’t do that anymore,” I said feeling offended that he was already using my story against me.
“I know, but I just have to let you know as your lawyer, believe me I’m on your side. Don’t let things I tell you offend you because I am only telling you things that will help us win this case.”
“Ok,” I said.
“And lastly, you have to go to this class. It’s for parents who have lost their children and it’ll teach you to be a better mother. It will help a great deal if the judge sees how consistent you are attending this class.”
“Ok thank you. So what is my first move?”
“Start looking for a job and you can start the class next week. What is your email so I can send everything to you?”
“[email protected].”
“Ok. I will send that information to you.”
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. Talk to you soon.”
“Ok bye,” I responded then hung up.
I took in all his words and was willing to put in the work. For the next week, nobody would hire me because, well, my resume had true facts.
“Girl you cannot be telling them the truth about your resume,” my neighbor said.
I let her in on my job situation while walking home from my interview; I surely knew they weren’t going to hire me.
“So what do I do?”
“Come in and let me help you with it,” said my neighbor as we went inside her house.
I gave her my resume and she completely turned it around. It landed me a job at the Double Tree Hotel as a Front Desk Specialist. Upon getting that job, I realized that sometimes, the truth wasn’t worth telling. It was very hard adjusting to working at the hotel. I was on my feet for 8 hours pondering about going back to the life style I was used too, but the only thing that kept me fighting for better was Ella.
I started working 5 days a week, going to the class twice a week and reporting everything back to my lawyer.
After a while for not paying the mortgage, they finally kicked me out. It didn’t bother me because the house was in his name and was repossessed anyways. I moved into a two bedroom apartment and designed my daughter’s room the way I had always wanted mine; pink and black with the cartoon characters Princess Jasmine from Aladdin. I left my room plain and spent most of my money buying stuff for when I won Ella back. I knew that eventually Ella would be mine again because I was living right. I was working without calling out and I stopped talking to outside influences, which happened to be easy because I had no friends or family. My best friend became my lawyer; somewhat.
“If you really wanted your daughter back, giving up wouldn’t be an option.”
Every time I was on the edge of giving up, he would remind me of what I was fighting for. He pushed me towards the better things in life, and subsequently, I became so close to him that I started talking to him about personal matters.
“Do you have a wife?” he was caught off guard.
“N...no.”
“Any kids?”
“Nope.”
“Why don’t you have a wife or kids?” I asked, shocked.
“I haven’t met the right one yet.”
Curiously, I asked, “What is the definition of the right one for you?” I was hoping he wouldn’t get tired of me asking questions.
“Umm, a respectful person who is not selfish, who is independent with a loving heart, has self-respect and a woman with a great personality.”
“You know you just described me right,” I said half joking as he laughed.
“Oh yeah?”
“Well I just gained my self-respect back working with you, and I’m getting more and more independent, and the rest of the stuff you described is natural, I was born with it!” I laughed.
“Oh yeah?” he said as he laughed with me.
“Yup!”
“That’s good to hear; now I got to add you to the list.”
“I should be the only woman on that list.”
“Matter of fact, I am changing it right now,” we both laughed.
“I finally heard you joke about something and it makes me feel good.”
“I know, I take my work seriously and you know, sometimes you can’t just joke with anybody so I have always kept it professional.”
“I understand.”
Since then, we became glued to the phone; we talked about my daughter, my life and his life, but mostly about mine. A few days later we went to dinner together and I got more curious.
“So you’re thirty two with no kids or wife, how do your parents feel about that?”
“Nothing,” he said with no feelings.
“So they don’t care about you not giving them a daughter in law and grandkids?”
“They would if they were still alive.”
“I had no idea, I am very sorry.”
“It’s ok,” his voice went sour.
“How did they die, if you don’t mind me asking?”
“Well actually my dad is still alive, but he is dead to me,” his tone was very depressing, it made me want to stop asking questions, but I couldn’t.
“Why would you say that?”
“He killed my mother.”
“Oh my, I’m so sorry about that.”
“Don’t be sorry, things happen.”
The look on his face was so disturbing. I could feel he was holding stuff in, so I wanted to see if I could get him to confide in me, my curiosity was out of control.
“How did he kill her, if you don’t mind me asking and please feel free not to answer if you don’t want to.”
“Oh no it’s ok, he was drinking while driving.”
“How?
” I whispered feeling his pain.
“Twenty two years ago when I was twelve, I got in trouble. My mother made me stay home on her birthday and she made the nanny watch me so her and my father could go to dinner. My dad had already been drinking, and he was past his limit as always. He insisted on driving since it was my mother’s birthday. So he took her away that day and that was the last time I set my eyes on my mother. I never saw her again.”
“Wow that sounds painful, I am so sorry about that.”
“It is painful, but the pain slowly heals as the years go by.”
“How did you cope with the fact you have no mother?
“I didn’t really, I got tired of crying. Then I started blaming my father for killing my mother which made me better over time. It obviously didn’t make his life any easier.”
“Wow, so have you talked to him since?”
“Yeah.”
“Do you think you will ever forgive him?”
“One day maybe when he is dead.”
“That is not nice.”
“It’s wasn’t nice when he started dating less than a month after my mom died. He didn’t give me time to heal; instead he started dating and never stopped drinking.”
“Well maybe he was doing that so he wouldn’t feel that he was responsible for her death.”
“Right, he wasn’t thinking about me and what I was going through, it was always about him.”
“You couldn’t possibly believe that.”
“I lived with him; I didn’t have a choice but to believe him because I was right there.”
“I am so sorry you had to go through that.”
“It’s alright, its life.”
“Right, life must go on no matter what the situation is or was.”
“Yup, anyways, we should be leaving any minute now, I got to stop by the office and do some work.”
“Is that how you’ve been coping?”
“Sometimes, but that is not why I’m going to the office.”
“Ok.”
“We’ll talk later and don’t forget court is next week, so let’s get in there and do some damage.”
“I like that because I’m so ready to get her back and start my own family.”
“That’s the spirit. I’m looking forward to it so let’s go get it.”
Next week came as I prepared to show the court that I was a fit mother. The big day finally arrived. The foster parents brought up every skeleton in my closet that they knew of.
“She was eighteen when she had her, and she gave her up because she was not ready and she was supposed to get her back in nine months, but instead she chose to sell her body to men, got on drugs and forgot about her daughter. So I took her in like my own and protected her from her.”
She almost broke me there but I was not willing to let her get the best of me.
“Yes I was eighteen when I had my baby. I gave her up because I was convinced that I was not ready to take care of her. I got lost in selling my body, I chose wrong and thought I was in love. At that point I was vulnerable, desperate for someone to love me because I felt like I had never been loved. Not even my own mother or my father loved me.” I sighed then went on, “I love my daughter. Everything I’ve done was because I wanted the easiest and fastest way to get her back but instead I got lost. But I will never stop fighting for her, she is the reason I turned my life around. She is why I am doing everything I’m supposed to be doing, and I will continue to do just that. I refuse to go home without my daughter, not again,” I walked off the stand with tears streaming down my face.
“Good job,” Charles whispered.
We went back and forth in court and the jury saw I was consistent and ready to take care of my daughter. I finally won with the help of Charles.
“Oh my god we won!” I screamed as I hugged Charles while inside the court house, rejoicing about the fact that we won the battle.
“You have no idea what you just did, you’re taking your child away from the people who truly love her,” her foster mother said.
“Don’t sit here and tell me about love, the love you have for the money is what is making you believe that you love my child. You might care a lot, and I thank you for that, but you will never love my child the way I do.”
“How can you love someone when you don’t even love yourself?”
“Putting them first, loving them before you love yourself.”
“Why am I even worried? She will be back at home soon because she doesn’t know you as a mother. You’re only going to make her miserable taking her away from us. She is almost 3! Yeah, she will be back.”
“I know I messed up, but I am willing to do whatever to make her happy. I only hoped you could have told my daughter who her real mother was and let me see her more often,” I said almost crying.
“Honey come on let’s go, she will be back soon,” her husband said as they walked away.
“I hope you’re not listening to them losers, you just won your daughter back and that is all that matters,” Charles said.
“Yes that is all that matters. I just hope my daughter doesn’t resent me for trying to do the best for her.”
“She is your daughter, and it’s not going be a smooth road but things will get better with time.”
“Ok, thank you.”
I took my daughter home and she cried constantly. She didn’t want to eat or talk to me. All she kept saying was, “I want to go home.”
“You are home!”
“Noooo,” she said as she kept crying.
I tried everything I knew to make her stop crying, but she wouldn’t and she refused to eat. All she did was cry. It made me question myself.
“Did I sign up for this? Do I really want to go through this or put her through this?” I called Charles.
“Hello?” he said.
“I don’t even know how to be her mother,” I said as I started crying, “I think it will be best if I give her back to them since she thinks they are her real parents.”
“Wait what are you talking about Rachael?”
“I just want her happy and I also want the best for her, so I’m giving her back tomorrow and that is final,” I said and hung up before he could get another word in.
“You want your mommy back?” I said to Ella when I returned back to her room. She nodded her head yes.
“Ok come help me pack your stuff.”
She ran towards me anxious to pack which hurt. I knew it wasn’t her fault she didn’t want to be with me, it was my fault for giving her up in the first place so I couldn’t blame her for choosing her temporary mom.
“I’m going home?” she asked.
“Yes honey you are,”
“Thank you,” she said.
She made me feel like I kidnapped her when all I tried to do was let her know who her real mother was. I then had to live with the fact that I made the wrong choice.
The phone started ringing. I knew who it was so I ignored it.
“The phone is ringing,” she said.
“Ok sweetie, let me go see who it is,” I said as I finally got up to answer it.
“What is wrong with you?” Charles said as I picked up the phone
“Nothing.”
“So you mean to tell me you’re giving her up again?”
“Don’t say that. I didn’t decide that, she did.”
“Don’t you hear yourself? You’re acting like she is a toy you bought from the store and now you’re returning it because it wasn’t the one you expected to get. What was the point of fighting that hard then? For fun? To prove to yourself?”
“Keeping her here with me is hurting her and I don’t want to keep doing that to her,” I said crying.
“She is your child for God sake!”
I didn’t have anything else to say. I just sighed.
“You know what your problem is?” he went on, “You’re irresponsible, you don’t know how to be responsible for no one, not even yourself, or better yet you don’t want to be re
sponsible because you had been free from her for so long. Now you don’t know where to start, so you’d rather ship her back to her foster parents instead of working it out.”
“You don’t fucking know me so spare me the insults.”
“You’re right, I don’t know you and all you have been through, but I do know that you are about to make the biggest mistake you will regret for the rest of your life.”
“This is not my choice, she keeps crying that she wants to go home and it makes me feel like I am punishing her and holding her against her will.”
“First of all, she is home and she is a child, ‘your’ child so she doesn’t get to make a decision for herself at the age of three. She is the child and you are the mother so you need to wake up and smell the damn coffee and take responsibility for your actions.”
I sighed again knowing he was right, “But I don’t know where to start.”
“Try and keep her calm, I’m on my way.”
“Ok thank you,” I said.
I looked in her room to see her sitting next to her stuff ready to go. I didn’t know how to tell her I changed my mind so instead, I went to the living room to wait on Charles. I felt relieved to see Charles at my front door. He flashed a disappointed look at me when I opened the door and walked in to see Ella standing in the living room when she heard the doorbell.
“Hey honey, I got something for you,” Charles said as she ran to him with joy and embraced him.
“Come open your gift.”
“Ok,” they both sat on the floor to open her gift, and I sat on the couch and watched them.
“I am going home tomorrow,” she said.
“Open your gift and see what I got for you,” he said, ignoring what she just said. She ripped the gift wrap off her present to see what he had got for her.
“A doll house?” she said in disbelief.
“You like it?”
“Yes thank you!” she said as she hugged him.
“You’re welcome sugar; now play with your new present while I talk to your mom ok?”
She looked up at me then said, “Ok.”
Charles signaled me to meet him in the other room.
“See, she is happy to be going home.”
“She is home.”
“Tell that to her.”
“Look, I didn’t come here to have this conversation; I came here to help you. Now you just have to be patient with her to make this work.”
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