“I just don’t like to see people down and out. You looked so sad that first day I saw you. It’s hard to explain. Sometimes I get this feeling around people. Something inside me knows I should help them.”
She shook her head at me. “Well Lord knows I can’t stop you, but I hope you’re being careful coming down here. We don’t need no trouble. We gots plenty a that on our own.” She rubbed her stomach, and some of the color drained from her face. “Excuse me just a minute.”
She walked over to a pail in the corner, and just like that she was on her knees heaving into it. I couldn’t stand watching her suffer, so I went over and knelt beside her, resting my hand lightly on her back. It wasn’t near as bad as what Matthew had done, but still, I hated the sound of vomiting. She tried to brush back her hair, but it fell into her face again, so I pulled it back. When I did, I noticed a fading bruise that looked like fingers on the back of her neck. I caught my breath. Hannah pushed my hands away and sat back on her heels. I handed her a rag that had been draped over the back of a nearby chair.
“Thank you,” she managed.
“Why don’t you lie down? Let me help you.”
She let me support her as she stood, and I guided her to the pile of blankets. I helped her down and tried to make her a little more comfortable. Then I wiped her face with the rag and felt her forehead.
“You don’t have a fever. Any idea what’s wrong with you?” She didn’t say anything, just looked away from me at the wall. “You might need a doctor.”
“I don’t need no doctor. Ain’t no cure for what I got.”
I sat down on the blanket beside her, wondering if I really wanted to know what was ailing her. “How come you’re out here all on your own?”
“You seen my boy. We don’t fit in nowhere. Can’t get help from white folks cause we too dark. Can’t get help from black folks cause he’s too light. Just got squeezed out of both worlds and fell into a crack, I guess.”
“So is Samuel’s father…?” I had no idea how to keep talking. The whole conversation was making my skin itch.
She sat up and leaned against the wall, a lost sort of look coming over her face. “I was a fool. That’s all they is to it. I was young and ignorant. I thought if you loved someone enough, the color of they skin and yours would just sort of melt into one.” A faint smile came over her face, and for a moment she looked ten years younger. “You know, that’s what the Bible says is supposed to happen. The two become one flesh. That’s my Samuel. He’s one flesh.”
I wasn’t sure what to make of her words. They begged more questions than they answered. And I couldn’t rightly speak to her interpretation of Scripture on the matter, but I wasn’t too sure that it meant what she thought it did. Most folks I knew believed God made different races for a reason, and he meant them to be different. Why, if he’d wanted everyone to look the same, he could’ve saved us all a lot of trouble and just made us that way. But looking at things through Hannah’s eyes, well now that was something I’d never considered. I certainly didn’t believe God made mistakes, and here was this little boy who didn’t deserve an ounce of hatred, who couldn’t have been created on accident.
I couldn’t work all the answers out in that moment, so I put my questions aside for the time being and concentrated on figuring out how I could help Hannah. “You said there isn’t a cure for what’s wrong with you. I don’t want to pry, but are you pregnant?”
She stared down at the floor, her eyes hardening as she spoke. “Life’s funny sometimes. It can take what you dream of and turn it into a nightmare.” Then she looked up at me and met my gaze. “Yes. I am pregnant. But this time, this baby, this is not one flesh. It’s the devil himself growing inside a me.”
She must have seen my horror flash across my face. “Hannah, how can you say that?”
“Cause it’s true. Evil done planted itself inside me. That’s all they is to it.”
I spent the following week praying over Hannah and Samuel and how to help them. I didn’t want to think too much on what Hannah had shared with me cause my mind kept going to the worst conclusion it could think of. Just the thought of someone violating her made my stomach turn all kinds of sick. So I prayed for wisdom and compassion. I prayed for enough food to come my way to share. I prayed for courage for all three of us, and I did my best to keep my faith strong, knowing that as long as I was in God’s will, he’d protect us.
On Saturday, I finally let Matthew drive me all the way home, like Asa had said. It was harder than I expected. I hated seeing him look on me with pity. He insisted on walking me inside and speaking to Mother, which of course I objected to.
“Ruby,” he sighed. “I don’t care about where you live, or what you have or don’t have. You’re my friend no matter what. I ain’t gonna judge you.”
I looked around at the pitiful progress we’d managed with the yard and house, wondering if this was God’s way of totally destroying my pride. Lord, there isn’t a thing about this place to be proud of, that’s for sure.
Mary leaned up between us and rested her arms on the seat. “I hope you know we love you like you’re family. You don’t have to feel ashamed. But if you don’t want us to come in, then we’ll respect that.” She turned a pointed look at Matthew. “Won’t we?”
He smiled at me and shook his head, sending my heart racing. “Of course we will. I ain’t aiming to force you into anything. Just wanted to be polite is all.”
I grabbed the jars of vegetables his mother had given me from off the seat between us. “Well, come on then.”
They followed me into the house, and I announced our arrival. Mother wasn’t inside, so I made a grand gesture with my free hand. “Welcome to the Graves estate!”
They both laughed, which released some of the tension. I put my jars on the table and suggested we look for Mother around back. She’d started doing laundry for Mrs. Calhoun, so she spent most Saturdays trying to catch up on ours. Sure enough, when we went around back, she was pinning damp clothes to the line James had finally gotten to stay in place. She smiled and wiped the sweat from her brow as we approached.
“Mother, this is Mary and Matthew Doyle.”
“It’s about time Ruby had you two over. I’ve heard so much about you I feel as though I already know you.”
“You have a lovely home, Mrs. Graves,” Mary said.
Mother let out a small laugh. “Well, it keeps the rain off our heads at least.”
Matthew caught my eye and grinned. I think my mouth nearly split from smiling so big. I felt like a complete idiot when I did that.
“Would you two like to stick around and join us for supper?” Mother asked.
My heart dropped, knowing extra food at the supper table meant I wouldn’t have any to take to Hannah. Plus, I wasn’t too eager to have my brothers picking on me the whole time while Matthew was around. Fortunately, they had plans with their family. I breathed a sigh of relief, which Matthew must have caught. His head tilted slightly as he raised an eyebrow at me.
As I walked with him and Mary back to the car, he stopped in front of it and touched my arm. “What’s the matter with you? Why don’t you want me and Mary to stay for supper?”
I couldn’t think of an answer that wouldn’t upset him. “It’s not that I don’t want you to stay. I just…I don’t know. We’re just different, that’s all.”
“Not as different as you think.”
“If it means so much to you then come to supper. It’s not that big of a deal.”
He looked down at me with suspicion, but I couldn’t hold his gaze for long. “Mother says you take the jars she gives you to a family that’s starving.”
I nodded and kicked at some pebbles. Mary stuck her head out of the car window and told him to get moving. But he didn’t budge. I could feel him looking at me, could feel it like the heat of the sun.
“I want to come with you.”
I jerked my head up and answered way too quickly. “No, you can’t.”
“Why not?”
“Cause, it’s… It’s nobody you know. And besides, they’re very private about it. They’d be ashamed if I brought someone with me.” The more I stammered out excuses, the more intently he studied me.
“Something’s going on with you, I know it. Who is it you’re taking food to?”
“It’s private. I can’t tell you.”
Mary stuck her head out again. “Come on! I’m melting in here!”
“All right! Just a minute!” He turned back to me. “Let me come with you. When do you go?” When I didn’t answer, he bumped me with his elbow. “I’ll just start asking around and find out where you’re going anyway. Might as well tell me.”
“Please don’t do that. You’ll just make things worse. Believe me, I want to tell you. But it isn’t my place to talk about someone else’s business. Please understand.”
“I know you hate it when I say this, but promise me you’re being careful.”
“I promise!” I could swear he was the most exasperating person I’d ever met. “Now go on home before Mary has a heat stroke.”
He walked over to the car and opened the door. Then he climbed onto the running board and looked down at me over the door. “Hey, come to church with us next week. I’ll pick you up and you can ride with me and Mary.”
“Come to your church?”
“Sure! You know, I’m leaving for school next Sunday. I’d like you to come to dinner at our house after church.”
Cass would surely have some sort of seizure if I showed up with the Doyle family. I smiled at the thought. “I’d love to!”
“Great!” He climbed into the car and they both waved as he drove away.
As I stood there and watched, it hit me how dumb it was to accept his invitation. I was just asking for punishment. How was I ever going to get over him if I kept feeding that darn hope beast inside me? Every smile, every word he said, every effort on his part to protect me, only fed it even more. Maybe on some level he did love me. Maybe in a couple of years he would grow to love me like I loved him. I could wait. I’d wait forever if I had to.
The next day when I took my jars down to Hannah’s place, she was still suffering from terrible nausea. I made her lie down and brought her a cool, wet rag for her forehead. “Have you eaten anything today?”
She shook her head. Samuel sat at the end of the blankets and rubbed her feet. “Helps with her stomach,” he said.
“Good. Keep it up.” I looked back at Hannah. “You have got to go to a doctor and get checked out. Something might be wrong.”
She looked at me like I was four years old. “Child, ain’t no doctor in these parts gone see me, colored or white. I’ll be fine. Just a bout a morning sickness. It’ll pass.”
“It’s two in the afternoon.”
She smiled and patted my hand. I wasn’t too sure about how well she was, but I figured she was probably right about the doctors. Then a terrible thought came to me. “Hannah, who’s going to help you deliver this baby?”
“I reckon I better start teaching Samuel some things. He’ll have to help. But that’s a long ways off.”
I glanced over at Samuel, who looked horrified. “You mean I’m gone catch that thing when it comes out a you?” he hollered.
She laughed, which I realized I’d never heard her do. “Why, I reckon that’s about the best way a putting it. You sure is gone catch it. Don’t worry, though. I’ll teach you.”
He shoved her foot away as she laughed some more. “Naw, I ain’t doing that. You better get Ruby here to help you or something.”
“That might be best,” I said.
“Well, like I said, it’s a long ways off. No sense in borrowing trouble.”
I couldn’t argue with that. So I let it go for the time being. I pushed myself up from the floor and looked around to see if there was any housework I could do for her. I could see out the window into the front yard where she’d started hanging a basket of clothes on a line. So I excused myself and went out to finish the job. Not more than five minutes later, Hannah was at my side picking one of Samuel’s shirts out of the basket and hanging it up.
“I can do this,” I said. “You go on back and rest.”
“Ain’t no way I’m gone let you do my work for me, Miss Ruby. I thank you for your kindness. It means more than you know. But I can’t let you do my work. It ain’t right.”
I thought about insisting further, but I got the feeling her mind was made up. Besides, it only took us another few minutes to finish since neither of them owned more than two sets of any kind of clothing. I wondered if maybe I should see if the Doyles had any old clothes they wouldn’t mind giving me, or maybe get some of my brothers’ old clothes for Samuel. Why hadn’t I thought of that already?
“I suppose you’ll be back in school soon,” Hannah said as she clipped a couple of socks onto the line. I couldn’t help but notice the holes in them.
“Yes, I’ll be starting ninth grade in a couple of weeks. What about Samuel? Where does he go to school?”
“He don’t go to school no more.” Her gaze drifted down to the creek where he was tossing rocks across the water. “He went for a spell when we was over in Colony, but only for a couple a years. Even then, the school year wasn’t no more than a few months long. I reckon he’s only had about six months or so a schooling all together.”
“Why did you leave Colony?”
She shook her head and picked through the basket, pulling up some washrags. “Just ain’t no place for us around here. Ain’t wanted in Colony. Ain’t wanted in Hanceville. Lord knows we ain’t wanted in Cullman. Just the way things is.”
“But…why? It doesn’t make any sense. Why wouldn’t your own people, your own family and friends want you around.”
She stopped working and faced me. “Now Miss Ruby, I know you’re a kind girl and all, but you can’t be that blind to the world. Open your eyes. They’s two sides of a war going on and both sides is full a hate for the other. Now which side is my Samuel supposed to be on?”
“I don’t know, honestly.” I’d never thought of things that way, of there being two sides of a war. What were the sides fighting for anyway? “Seems to me most people I know just want to live their own life in peace, to work and live the way they see fit. I figure colored folks want the same thing.”
“Most folks don’t think the way you do. They’s still plenty of white folks that see me and don’t see a real person. Just a mule or something. Just something to be used.” She rubbed her hand across her stomach, and I had that horrible sick feeling again.
“I see you,” I said.
Her eyes held mine, and I saw gratitude behind the hardness there. I thanked God right then for leading me to her, cause I suspected Hannah and Samuel were ministering to me as much I was to them. Maybe I didn’t know enough about the world to make sense of how they ended up alone in the woods, but maybe a world that cruel wasn’t meant to be understood.
We finished the laundry and said our goodbyes. I walked back through the woods quite content with myself since Hannah had finally felt comfortable enough to open up to me. Even Samuel seemed more at ease this time. Maybe I was starting to make some progress. But I couldn’t help wondering who would’ve hurt Hannah.
As I came around the last curve in the trail, only a short distance from exiting the woods, I nearly ran smack into a large man coming the other way. He stopped abruptly, his hands out to catch me if I stumbled, which I nearly did. I’d been so deep in my thoughts I hadn’t even heard his footsteps coming.
“Whoa!” he said. “Who we got here?” We both stepped back, and I could see it was Mr. Calhoun. “Ruby? What’re you doing way out here?”
“Oh, I’m sorry I ran into you,” I said. “I was just taking a walk to get some fresh air.”
He looked at me curiously, then let his gaze follow the trail behind me. “You come down here often?”
“No, sir. Just once in a while.”
He smacked his lips and looked behind
him. “This ain’t the best place for you to be taking a walk, honey. You should get on back home.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know. Is this part of your land?”
“I own just about all these here woods. Still, there’s critters all over the place. Snakes and such. Not safe for a little girl.”
My temperature rose, and I clenched my fists at my side. “I thank you for your concern, but I’m hardly a little girl. I can take care of myself on a walk through the woods.”
He scratched at his mustache and studied me more closely. “No, I guess you’re not a little girl. I can see that. All the same, don’t go wandering down in these woods. No telling what, or who, you’ll come across that might be dangerous.”
“Yes, sir.” I dropped my head and walked past him. “I’ll be going home now.” I walked a few more steps then turned around again. He was still watching me. “But I was just wondering something?”
“What’s that?”
“What are you doing down here?”
He took a quick glance down the trail behind him, and then he started walking toward me. “Like I said. I own all this land. I like to check on things from time to time. Make sure ain’t nothing out of order. But I reckon everything’s fine. I’ll make sure you get back all right.”
He walked along beside me to the end of the trail and across the road. I turned to him as I started to head in the direction of our house. “Have a good afternoon,” I said.
“Just a minute, Ruby. Let me ask you something.” Mr. Calhoun shoved his hands in the pockets of his overalls and looked over toward his house. “Everything working out all right for you and your family here? You had any troubles?”
“No, sir.”
“Good. That’s real good. I know how hard it can be when it feels like everyone and everything is set against you. I’ll say this. You and your brothers seem like good folks, and you work hard. That old preacher may have some sway in this community, but it ain’t with me.”
“Wh-what did he tell you?” My heart went to racing. Could Calhoun know about the healing?
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